... to think this is a bit weird? PILs and sleepovers...

[lollipopalooza]

I need a fair perspective on this please you sensible mumsnetters.... My inlaws are a bit bizarre, and have never been particularly involved with their GC, DD1, DD2 and DS. They spend most of the year in warmer climes, and have just got back for a bit over the summer to spend a few weeks in their house - 5 minutes down the road. DH doesn't get on very well with them, and FIL doesn't really like coming to our place - long story - so we normally end up visiting them every now and again. It's always awkward, FIL ends up drinking too much and saying inappropriate things and/or insisting we sit through 4 hours of holiday photos. Both of those scenarios are as painful as each other....

When I phoned MIL yesterday to welcome her back (they've been away so we haven't seen them for a few months), she mentioned her and FIL want to have my 2 DDs over to stay with them for a few days. DDs are 9 and 7. It's uncharacteristic, because normally we go and see them, or MIL comes to our house for short periods - cup of tea, chit-chat - perhaps once in a two-week period and they don't take the children out on their own. I said something like 'lovely idea, but perhaps lets spend some time all together before we leave them with you for the weekend'. MIL seemed quite surprised that I'd react in that way and didn't seem to want to meet up, just have DDs over to stay with them.

Am I being weird or are they? Does anyone else have PILs like this - or is it just me? Come on MN - don't hold back....

im struggling to understand why its weird or why they need to do outings beforehand. surely they will bond with the sleepover experience

lollipopalooza can I ask why you didn't mention the abuse bit in your OP - it was clearly what was making you nervous about it, but you didn't mention it until further down?

My DS knows his DGPs very well but doesn't have sleepovers with one set and isn't ever alone with them because of a history of abuse in our family. In our case the abuse was due to mental illness and addiction which is currently more or less under control but still I wouldn't let DS go there alone just in case. If I'm there then I can tell if things are going a bit weird and whisk him away. It comes up quite often and I'm sure there are lots of conversations of the 'Becstarsky is so strange, we keep offering to have her DS, and she won't send him' type, with people replying 'I wonder why she's so weird and unreasonable'. But I'm old enough and ugly enough to cope with them talking about me. Not going to risk DS having a scary experience for the sake of keeping the peace.

Do not leave your children alone with someone who has a history of abusing children. Surely this is a no brainer?

I think that if you can trust IL's to keep the kids safe, then I would let them have the kids over night in order to help build a bond. Maybe they realise that they need to put a bit more work into the relationship.

Just read your last post and no, you shouldn't send your children to stay with someone who has a history of abuse.

In what way was FIL abusive by the way?

Really worried by this-not so much naive as away with the fairies. Sorry OP, but on what planet are an unrepentant alcoholic abuser and his enabler suddenly going to morph into trustworthy people to leave your children with?
Why initiate contact with them at all?
It might help you to do some reading up on this kind of thing to see what you are truly up against.

WeeDom that was my first answer then the op revealed some more facts about her Pil and then my second post gave a firm no!! That's the trouble with info when it's drip fed!

i think they are old enough to give it a go...but only one day/night not a few.
say one then see how it goes, they are old enough to tell you what they think of the experience etc...if they were any younger personally would say no.

i missed abuse bit too - scap that other post!

Just no. Do not risk exposing your DDs to someone like that. You know that it's not unreasonable!

I think that if they can't be totally trust to behave when you are there, then there is no chance of them doing so without you there. So no my dcs would not stay over in tgat situation.

Absolutely no way would I do this in your circumstances. Your DC are far too precious to risk on the off chance that an abusive person may change. I wouldn't leave them alone with PIL at all never mind at a sleepover! Just say no to them and repeat until the message gets through.

You were lucky to have had a close relationship with both sets of GP's but in this case it's just not possible and no amount of hoping things will change will make a difference.

My DH had a tough time growing up. His father used corporal punishment (ie, spanked him with a belt) which would def be classed as physical abuse today, though was fairly acceptable then. DH left home at 18 but has salvaged his relationship with his parents and gets on well with them now, though will never be close.

FIL is a really, lovely man! I trust him implicitly with my DC despite knowing about DH's childhood and can only conclude a huge amount of mellowing on FIL's behalf! I have let all my DC have short stays with the ILs since they were about 6. My 3 SILs have been leaving their DC to sleepover since they were tiny.

So, I'm saying, a lot can happen over the years, BUT, OP:

1. Your DH is not happy about this and hasn't made up with them.
2. This has come totally out of the blue
3. You know that your FIL is still a drinker and doesn't behave appropriately around you and your family

Keep contact under your and DH's own terms and supervised at all times. Not worth the risk.

The drinking and abuse would make me say no. Even without that I don't see the point in them staying overnight when the grandparents only live 5 minutes away.
Some grandparents do seem obsessed with sleepovers but I don't see the attraction. It's understandable if they are babysitting as a favour for you and want to spend the evening in their own house, but in general I don't see why they don't just take the kids out for the day and then drop them back off with you and go home. What is the attraction of having hyped up or homesick kids spending the night with you and getting up umpteen times during the night because it is different and then being woken up at 5 or 6 am?
I would say no and that if they want to start by taking the kids out for a few hours on a weekend or during the holidays that would be fine, assuming your husband is happy with this. His parents his decision.

What is the attraction of having hyped up or homesick kids spending the night with you and getting up umpteen times during the night because it is different and then being woken up at 5 or 6 am?

Kids who are used to sleepovers don't behave this way. The attraction is that the kids learn to be a little bit more independent of their parents, the GPs get some quality time and the parents get to have loud sex and a sleep in.

What's the attraction with keeping kids home all the time?

Nevertheless, I think the OP is BU in even considering disregarding her DH's concerns about his parents' behaviour.
They abused their own child so badly he killed himself, but maybe they'll do better this time? Fingers crossed hey!

My friend & her dh have very strained relationship with his mother & stepfather.

They never really see them unless it is a special occasion, I.e birthday etc. They rarely talk on the phone & there is, it is fair to say, a fair bit of animosity between them, not least because the IL have a habit of being unavailable when really needed (like when friend had terrible PND after her third was born). However, one thing they all insist on is that the girls remain largely unaffected by their 'relationship' and each half term the ILs have the girls for a sleepover. The girls love it, as do the inlaws & it is actually helping build bridges.

If your girls are happy to try it, I don't see why you should stop, to be honest. Is it not important that the children have a good relationship with their grandparents? They are old enough to decide if it is something they want to do & also old enough to say if it isn't working!

Oh & I should point out that the overnight stays have only been since Christmas & the dds are 6 & 9.

Although your post of 22.14 changes things a little for me. I wouldn't leave my daughters with my mother (who was emotionally abusive).

Would bet better if you had explained that all along, op!