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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to think this is a bit weird? PILs and sleepovers...

70 replies

lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 21:48

I need a fair perspective on this please you sensible mumsnetters.... Wink My inlaws are a bit bizarre, and have never been particularly involved with their GC, DD1, DD2 and DS. They spend most of the year in warmer climes, and have just got back for a bit over the summer to spend a few weeks in their house - 5 minutes down the road. DH doesn't get on very well with them, and FIL doesn't really like coming to our place - long story - so we normally end up visiting them every now and again. It's always awkward, FIL ends up drinking too much and saying inappropriate things and/or insisting we sit through 4 hours of holiday photos. Both of those scenarios are as painful as each other....

When I phoned MIL yesterday to welcome her back (they've been away so we haven't seen them for a few months), she mentioned her and FIL want to have my 2 DDs over to stay with them for a few days. DDs are 9 and 7. It's uncharacteristic, because normally we go and see them, or MIL comes to our house for short periods - cup of tea, chit-chat - perhaps once in a two-week period and they don't take the children out on their own. I said something like 'lovely idea, but perhaps lets spend some time all together before we leave them with you for the weekend'. MIL seemed quite surprised that I'd react in that way and didn't seem to want to meet up, just have DDs over to stay with them.

Am I being weird or are they? Does anyone else have PILs like this - or is it just me? Come on MN - don't hold back....

OP posts:
Minesaguinness · 09/07/2012 22:33

What does your DH think?

mybabywakesupsinging · 09/07/2012 22:33

I'm with theotherboleyngirl on this.
I confess what just went through my head was "what kind of abuse?" followed by "never in a million worlds".
Sorry if that's unhelpful, but I can't help it.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:33

Messages crossed TOBG. You're right. I can't see it happening anytime soon though.

OP posts:
Minesaguinness · 09/07/2012 22:34

X-post. If your DH says no, then it's a no.

theotherboleyngirl · 09/07/2012 22:34

then please, respect that. I'm speaking as someone in DH's position. Your DC's mustn't be there without you. And your DH needs to have the final say in it.

LimeLeafLizard · 09/07/2012 22:35

I'm surprised you need to ask whether you should send your 9 and 7 year old DC to stay overnight in the house of someone you know has abused a family member to the extent that they took their own life.
Seriously?

I'm surprised your DH wants to see them at all, let alone leave your kids in their care.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 22:43

Heard and taken on board TOBG. Thanks for posting on such a painful subject. Appreciated.

Limeleaflizard - this is a brand new development. They haven't wanted anything to do with DCs up until now. If this is going to be a pattern - asking for DDs to spend time alone with them, I want to work out a sensible strategy that will protect my kids while still allowing them some sort of 'interaction' with their GPs. DDs adore their GPs (rolling eyes emoticon) and I don't want awkward 'but why not' questions at this stage. Or perhaps I should be addressing them?

Cliched I know but I had a lovely childhood and a very close & happy relationship with both my GPs and if there's any chance of salvaging even a tiny bit of that type of relationship, I'd like to. Naive maybe?

OP posts:
LimeLeafLizard · 09/07/2012 22:54

Sorry OP that probably sounded harsher than I meant it to. When you write what has happened though, it does sound pretty awful.

I'm not sure there is much chance of having a great relationship with someone who can do that to their own children.

I think you're sensible to make a plan of how to deal with such requests though, in case they start coming more often. Can your DH face the PIL and explain why this isn't an option?

MagicHouse · 09/07/2012 22:57

Sorry - even from your first post alarm bells were ringing. I think it is naive of you, but not impossible to develop a relationship, but it needs to be done with you there at all times. especially as that's what your dh wants. He of all people should know what's best in this situation.

Why do they suddenly want to see them without you, having shown little interest before. Surely you would already be seeing a warm relationship developing if that's what they wanted, but you say they've never really been involved. The story you tell sounds horrific. These are your children, you can't take chances on their behalf.

I wouldn't consider it (leaving my DDs overnight) for a split second if it were me.

FizzyLaces · 09/07/2012 23:01

Following your disclosure, I can't think of a single reason why you would let them. Your kids are too precious to take the risk.

susiedaisy · 09/07/2012 23:10

Ah then no op I would not do overnight stays at all with your Fil's history, protect your dc and be their voice! Is your Dh ok has he ever discussed the abuse with you did he ever have counselling for it?

G1nger · 09/07/2012 23:12

Your FIL bollocksed up his relationship with his own children. His own! Why would you leave your children with him? He's not even as close to them as he could have been to his own children.

That's a definite no from me.

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 23:13

Harsh is fine LLL - this thread was getting far too nice for aibu... and yes it is awful. Reading back my post about my happy relationship with MY GPs - of course my PILs aren't going to be able to offer that to my kids - I am being naive.

Having DH sit down and chat with them and explain clearly and rationally why it's not going to happen and have them nod sagely? Probably not. It's a nice suggestion and I'd feel happier if that happened, but in all reality - we're not going to get there. Discussions of that nature have not gone well in the past when I've initiated them... and DH retreats and shuts down (understandably) when it comes to this type of confrontation with his parents.

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 09/07/2012 23:19

i wouldnt.
fil was abusive to his own children leading one to kill himself. well i wouldnt let my kids go there alone

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 23:22

this insight you have described has a whole different view of things now....I wouldn't consider for a second letting my child be alone with people with this history...sorry...no possible way I could take that risk with my child.

This FIL drinks alot, has a terrible history of abusing children....how might he react if your kids are too noisy, won't go to sleep, arguing, having a carry on etc...drink and patience and being reasonable don't ever go together...it's a recipe for disaster imo

Just allow visits and always be there...maybe it could progress to your DC's having a mobile phone and maybe in time they may be allowed to pop in for a few minutes...you say they are 5mins away from you so maybe that's an option.

You should probably discuss this with your DC's though as PIL's could ask them and put you on the spot....make sure you have said that they are 5mins away and there is no need to be staying and they have to say no thank you if asked...they don't have to know why...they are children who just have to do as their parents tell them to and trust that you have good reason...

Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 23:25

Thanks everyone. I needed that strength of reaction to counteract my knee-jerk reaction to create a 'happy family' with my PILs and their relationship with their GC - and my guilt at putting limits on their interaction.

But their family wasn't happy - and my priority is protecting my children.

Sometimes it's so weird, I think it's me going mad and that perhaps if I just changed how I behaved towards them, everything would be ok. You've helped remind me that that's not right.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollipopalooza · 09/07/2012 23:28

That's a good strategy soozeedoll re: discussing with DCs and having response already set. PILs are likely to do that...

OP posts:
pigletpower · 09/07/2012 23:29

So now your DD's are 'growing up' they want them to stay over without you? Mmm,think I may have a touch of tinnitus here... no, it's alarm bells ringing loud and clear.

HipHopOpotomus · 09/07/2012 23:29

I'd have to go with my DPs decision in a situation like this. I would certainly never knowingly put my DC in the care of anyone who had been abusive to me or DP. Why exposé them more than necessary to such a person.

Trip to the zoo - perhaps.
Overnight stats - no way.

Naoko · 10/07/2012 00:09

I was going to say 'give it a go, it's only a weekend and they're old enough to express not wanting to do it again if they don't enjoy it' but now that you've mentioned the abuse and the fact that your DH does not want this to happen, I'm saying 'no bloody way'. Imagine you were in your DH's shoes: if you had parents who abused you as a child, and whom you don't get on with (for obvious reasons), would you sleep a wink while your DC were with them? Would you trust them? I wouldn't. And I don't even have DC.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/07/2012 00:23

I think the only thing to do here is to support your husband.
I had a big long post all about the whys and reasons and wherefores, but then it occurred to me, you either know why or you don't, and if you don't, you have bigger problems than whether your DDs go to visit their grandparents or not. You know why - support DH, take his views on board, and be guided by him. (Not in a "submissive little woman" way, but because he needs you to be 'on his side' and stand beside him when he protects his children from what nobody protected him and his brother from :( )

AnyFucker · 10/07/2012 00:29

just say no

end of

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 00:47

No way. Are you mad? You can't turn his neglectful and abusive family into a loving one like yours. Seriously - his brother killed himself because of his childhood. Show some respect and listen to your husband's wishes.

WeeDom · 10/07/2012 00:51

@susiedaisy:"seriously though I would spend time with them check everything's ok see who else will be in the house at the time"

Really? Really?? The paedophiles/asronists/masons(?)/scientologists(??)/ might have infiltrated the grandparents whilst they were amongst all those dirty foreigners... ? Really??? wth??

WeeDom · 10/07/2012 00:57

hang on - I take all of that back, susie, as I've clearly missed the abuse bit.

Scrolling back, I still can't find it, but I utterly retract my comments to susie until I've found some sort of reference to what she's talking about

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