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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu expecting dh to take time off to look after sick dd?

79 replies

lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 20:57

Started back to work 4 months ago dd attends nursery 5 afternoons a week, i work part time and dh full.

DD has chicken pox this week so cant go to nursery, dh thinks i should take the week off with her as he cant! too busy at work, staff on holiday etc.

I have already had time off with her on two separate occasions since i started back.

I think this is unfair and that he feels his job is of more importance than mine.

Also i do not get paid if i am off, so will lose a weeks pay. Dh and i keep our money seperate and we both put in the same amount each month to cover bills etc. When i said today i would not be able to put my full amount in next month he pulled his face and said how did i manage last time!!! This has made me really mad. I only have just over £100 per month left after i put my half in.

Sorry bit long

So aibu to expect dh to either take time off himself or pay more in to our joint funds when i lose a weeks pay??

What do others do in this situation?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 09/07/2012 21:00

I don't know sorry as I would never enter into such a relationship which involved such financial inequity.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 21:02

Me neither sauvignon.

I can understand it to a certain extent when there are no children, and it is a fairly new relationship, but when you have a child, surely all income becomes family income and goes into one pot.

pinkappleby · 09/07/2012 21:04

YANBU.

Is there a friend or relative who could help out? I don't think you should take the time off if it can be avoided.

BonkeyMollocks · 09/07/2012 21:04

What they said.

When it was just dh and I we had all money separate and split the cost of everything.

Ds was born, this didn't work, it all went into the same pot.

If I was in your situation, I would be the one too take the time off and look after dc. The money would be family money, not judged on how much someone does or doesn't work!

Original poster
lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 21:05

we have been together 10 years but lived together for 8, we have always done it this way and never thought to change it when dd came along! Think now we should have though!

OP posts:
playftseforme · 09/07/2012 21:05

Also hard to comment re finances. But because dh and I both work FT, if one of the DCs is sick, the diaries come out and the negotiations start - certainly no presumption that it'll me be at home...

mollymole · 09/07/2012 21:05

if you do not work, and earn, you cannot pay the same as when you are earning a full months wage - quite simple
your problem is deeper than having time off to care for a child

BonkeyMollocks · 09/07/2012 21:06

I risk being flamed....but if you work part time and dh full time, then surely you would be at home more anyway therefore you would lose less money than he would should he take the week off.

not saying your job is any less important but thats the way we would look at it.

TheSurgeonsMate · 09/07/2012 21:07

This is nothing like my situation, but YANBU to be Hmm over the face pulling about money. The "arrangement" you have hasn't go enough clauses and counter-clauses to cover life itself.

We do think about whose work can take the hit. It's usually mine. But if it isn't there's no face pulling.

Iwillorderthefood · 09/07/2012 21:08

It sounds as though an old arrangement has become unworkable.mmit may be good to discuss both of you working,by our views on working, how much he should appreciate your money going into the pot and what would happen if you got sidelined as you could not be relied upon to be there when it mattered at work. It is very hard to get in whilst working part time in any case. You need to really talk this through, also explain how little you get left with once you put your money into the pot. You are both parents now and therefore DC are both your responsibilities. Your taking care of them part of the week and impacted on your salary, and you are being penalised for this. In addition there is an assumption that you should be the one to take time off. Talk try not to get heated.

Donki · 09/07/2012 21:09

One possibility to make a more equitable arrangement would be to pay bills etc pro-rata to earnings - my sister used to do this with her partner.

e.g. if you earn £500 pcm and your DH earns £1000 pcm, then if monthly outgoings are £600, you pay 500/(1000 + 500) x 600 = £200, and your DH pays
1000/(1000+500) x 600 = £400

This way if you take the time off (because you lose less money as a family than if DH takes the time off) your share of the bills would drop, and his would rise to compensate.

Personally, I prefer all our money to go into one conceptual pot, and the bills come out of that. DH has used annual leave to care for the Young Donki on the rare occasions he has been ill, because that way we don't lose money. (My leave is fixed). If we needed to take unpaid leave we would split it so that one work place wasn't bearing the brunt of absences.

Justhadenough · 09/07/2012 21:09

If is was in that situation with my DH I would look after the DCs but would explain to him in the first place that I would not be able to give as much towards the bills. I would also explain when he pulled a face that I couldn't afford to pay as I had taken the time off. If he didn't like that it would be tough because I didn't have the money and in the end he would have to pay it.
(however me and DH do not use that sort of system so if what I just said was wrong then I am sure someone will come along with something better)

Sirzy · 09/07/2012 21:11

How many days do you work? Surely he can arrange to cover at least one of those days?

pinkyp · 09/07/2012 21:11

I think you should split the difference, if you earn 100 less them dh should have to pay 50 extra

Iwillorderthefood · 09/07/2012 21:13

Hmm that made no sense at all

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/07/2012 21:13

YANBU

Original poster
lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 21:16

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I know we have a "strange" arrangement keeping money separate and then putting some into joint pot (none of my friends/family do this) but this is what we always have done and its been ok ish till dd came along.

I do think we need to talk however i find it difficult to talk money with him, i am very independant and like to pay my own way and feel like i am asking him for money.

Going to show him this thread later i think

OP posts:
funnyperson · 09/07/2012 21:17

Maybe I'm being stupid but if you work part time then your DH need only take time off for the days you work, not for the whole week. And yes, I think he should take some of the time off. It depends a bit how much further on he is in his career. You need to be able to hang on to your career but if, for example he is a financial whizz kid earning millions and you are a PA earning 20,000 then his career is probably less flexible.

I agree with the others you need to renegotiate your financial arrangements - putting the same amount each worked before you had the baby but wont work now.

Be careful. Babies and finances can ruin a marriage based on other things, and can cause a lot of resentment, so choose your moment to discuss these matters carefully.

moreearlymorningsthesedays · 09/07/2012 21:18

How can your money continue to be kept separate when you have been on ML and are now part time? You seriously need to sort this out, it's penalising you for taking the majority of childcare responsibilities. You're a family, your money should be joint.
At the very least, you need to work on a percentage basis, and if you have time off to look after your child and earn less, that percentage should then be adjusted.
IE if you usually earn 500 and he earns 1000, he puts twice as much as you in the pot. If you have time off one month and only earn 250, then he puts in 4 times as much.

But really, he is taking the piss, you need to sort it.

ShuckingFattered · 09/07/2012 21:19

Yanbu. I can't believe you put the same amount in when you earn significantly less. In fact I'm really Angry on your behalf.

I too have had the "my job is more important than yours" but DH soon learnt that wasn't going to wash and, if anything, probably takes more time off than I do now.

Do you have any family or friends that can help put? I feel for you - sick children and juggling work is an absolute nightmare.

BonkeyMollocks · 09/07/2012 21:21

OP I was very independent with my money pre-ds.

When we started to combine everything, it took a long time to adjust, but now, if we didn't there would be resentment. We would argue.

We make sure we both have our own money for the week. We can spend that on whatever we like but once its gone its gone. Family money pays for ds's clothes/birthdays , bill, rent etc.

Your are a family unit, you need to chuck it all in one place and work from there.

Original poster
lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 21:27

Sorry should have explained better, i work 5 afternoons 1 till 6.

Dont want to say what i do as it may out me, but its not something i could bring home or work one full day if you get my meaning.

No family to help and friends who do not work have little ones who wont want to catch chicken pox.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 09/07/2012 21:31

Two separate things here. First, no it isn't fair that you pay half a share of the bills when you earn a lot less than him. That is totally not on. But I do agree with it being more sensible for you to take the time off when you are only working part-time. And not many firms pay people when they are off with sick children which is different from them being off sick themselves. Mostly it would have to be negotiated.

And really, the person who earns the most money, is sadly the job that is the most important I think. Whether this is the woman or man. That's just the way it has to be in these difficult times.

Original poster
lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 21:37

I know it makes sense for me to take time off really as i only work half the day, it just makes me cross that he assumes its going to be me.

The money thing annoys me the most though, that he doesnt offer to put more in the pot knowing that i am not being paid

OP posts:
mercibucket · 09/07/2012 21:39

Holiday days for him?
I don't agree about the job that pays more being more important. You are more vulnerable to being sacked in some jobs than others eg a new job, casual job, and that's the one to worry about more sometimes
Anyway, I would share the time off between you, or see if a relative can step in for a few days. We take it in turns.
And sort out the money - that's a very unfair agreement.