Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

aibu expecting dh to take time off to look after sick dd?

79 replies

lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 20:57

Started back to work 4 months ago dd attends nursery 5 afternoons a week, i work part time and dh full.

DD has chicken pox this week so cant go to nursery, dh thinks i should take the week off with her as he cant! too busy at work, staff on holiday etc.

I have already had time off with her on two separate occasions since i started back.

I think this is unfair and that he feels his job is of more importance than mine.

Also i do not get paid if i am off, so will lose a weeks pay. Dh and i keep our money seperate and we both put in the same amount each month to cover bills etc. When i said today i would not be able to put my full amount in next month he pulled his face and said how did i manage last time!!! This has made me really mad. I only have just over £100 per month left after i put my half in.

Sorry bit long

So aibu to expect dh to either take time off himself or pay more in to our joint funds when i lose a weeks pay??

What do others do in this situation?

OP posts:

Collaborate · 09/07/2012 21:41

I presume that if you only work half days then H only needs to take half days off?

My W can work from home and has more understanding employers so she takes off more than me - plus she has 2 weeks more holidays than I do, but I agree with those above - diaries come out and you see who can cope best. There shouldn't be a financial penalty for you to pay.

JumpingThroughHoops · 09/07/2012 21:41

major wage earner stays at work, job security is paramount.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/07/2012 21:45

I don't think the major wage earner argument holds when finances are separate to this extent, and the major wage earner is both refusing to take time off himself or provide monetary compensation for his "partner" to do so in his place.

And in my family, where we share our finances completely, DH may be the major wage earner, but I have greater job security, and plan to keep things that way. We both take our share of time off for sick children.

MammaTJ · 09/07/2012 21:49

If he is not prepared to cover illness of your mutual DC then he has to cover cost of you covering illness of mutual DC!

Nanny0gg · 09/07/2012 21:51

I am at the thought your husband is questioning the fact that, having taken time off, you can't put as much money in the 'pot'.

I would have a big problem with that attitude if he were my H.

Tightwad.

GnocchiNineDoors · 09/07/2012 21:52

If you earn 25% of the joint household income then you should cover 25% of the outgoings.

Am I missng something or is yiur DH either (1) actually thick and not realise this or (2) a bit of a dick for making you think this is correct?

Kayano · 09/07/2012 21:53

Wtf is wrong with so many women putting up with financial inequality?

Seriously

LadyInDisguise · 09/07/2012 21:53

I know it makes sense for me to take time off really as i only work half the day, it just makes me cross that he assumes its going to be me.

Actually I don't agree with that. You have been back at work for just 4 months. And you already have taken time off twice.
Time for your DH to step up me think.

As for the financial arrangement.....

Yama · 09/07/2012 21:59

Good God, of course YANBU. On either issue.

Dh and I discuss how to work illnesses between ourselves and any available grandparents/family. Probably he has taken more time off than me because he can do some of his work from home if he goes in and emails himself some stuff.

As for the money. Dh and I do what you do but only because we earn roughly the same amount. When on mat leave, dh pays for everything and we tighten our belts. You only work part time for goodness sake. How can he expect you to put in an equal amount?

Your dh is taking the utter piss.

nocake · 09/07/2012 22:02

Before DD arrived DW and I would put £x each into the joint account each month for bills etc. After DD that didn't work any more for various reasons. There are more joint expenses, DD is now part time, we have nursery bills to pay etc. So we now each keep £x a month to spend how we want and everything else goes into a joint account. That means it doesn't matter who is earning the most and we don't have to justify our personal spending. Perhaps you should consider doing this, which would make the finances fairer.

Blu · 09/07/2012 22:03

So have you always worked p/t or only since you had your DD?

If you are now working p/t to save on childcare bills or to look after your dd then I presume your DH pays you half his wage for the hours you look after your DD as it is you enabling him to earn during those hours?

I understand about independence, pride etc, but running a household as a partnership caring for a child means that more things than money contribute to the resources needed to run the family. And time is just as important as money.

And if you are married it all belongs to both of you, anyway.

LadyStark · 09/07/2012 22:03

DP and I keep our money separate but we have almost identical income and outgoings (I do nursery fees, he does mortgage payment and utility bills).

YANBU to expect him to take time out, if DD is sick we look at who has what meetings on what days and try to work from home/take time off quite equally.

igggi · 09/07/2012 22:04

We had the same financial arrangement prior to dcs, but even then we earned very similar amounts. With subsequent reductions in wages due to children, we've continued paying into the pot in such a way as to leave each of us with the same money - eg we could each keep £500, and him pay in the remaining 1500 in his salary and me 800. (Random figures, but you get the idea - we pay a proportion, as I'm not part-time for the fun of it but to mind his child.

AllPastYears · 09/07/2012 22:06

"he doesn't offer to put more in the pot"

I'm shocked here because I don't see why he gets the choice to "offer". You need a better arrangement. One like, all the money goes in one pot and gets spent on the family finances as needed. He sounds like the part-timer here - in terms of his commitment to his family.

Blu · 09/07/2012 22:06

What did he think would happen at times like this? That you would just not work, he would keep all his money himself and you would just starve to death? Ask him if he really thought that you would bear all the financial brunt of having your shared child!

igggi · 09/07/2012 22:06

If your job is something important to you, I would start insisting on sharing leave requirements. Or his attitude will never change, even if you're back at work full-time. I'm not happy that I feel I do a bit more than dh (nursery usually calls the mum first I feel) but we each took time off when ds had CP.

Original poster

lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 22:08

To be fair he did take 2 days off one of the times when dd was ill before but his boss was not happy. Its only a small company and other staff either have adult children or no children, so he says he is the only one who asks for time off with kids.

He works an hour away from home so if he went to work for 9 he would have to leave before 12 to get back for me starting at 1. So could only work 3 hours.

I am worried what my boss will say! when i phoned up today to say dd was ill and couldnt go in nursery for a week she said let me know asap what days you can work when dh is off with her

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2012 22:11

He can take time off or pay you to. Actually, he can pay you for all the childcare you do. Cheeky tightwad.

Yama · 09/07/2012 22:13

I'm sorry Lily but it very much reads like your dh is your boss and he has instructed you to take this time off.

You need to start sticking up for yourself.

You asked us for opinions. The consensus is that your dh is being unreasonable. On both counts.

lindsell · 09/07/2012 22:13

Yanbu

I work part time (though currently on mat leave) and dh works full time and earns at least 2x my salary. With ds1 (and i expect it to be the same with ds2 when i'm back) when he was sick we would negotiate it between us, usually if it was only a day then I'd work from home/switch my day off that week/take leave as necessary but if longer then we would share the time off, sometimes doing half days each so eg I would go in to the office v early and leave by lunchtime so dh could then go in and work late. We're both lucky in that our work/bosses are pretty flexible so we can do this and I would usually end up with a bit more time off than dh but he would certainly do some of it.

With money we put in prorata to joint account to cover all bills etc, so I put in c30% of the outgoings and dh 70%. Like you OP I didn't like the idea of not being financially independent but this seems a fair way of doing it, we contribute equally according to our salary rather than equal amounts iyswim.

Blu · 09/07/2012 22:22

His boss isn't happy, your boss isn't happy.

This thread is utterly depressing.

Look at the number of people saying you should take the time off because your DH earns more.

Look at the vicious circle of economic decline and dependency that this puts women into.

You work p/t because you have a child, and earn less. becuase you earn less you are expected to take time off to cover sickness and earn even less. you piss your boss off enough times and you earn zilch.

And ultimately every employer thinks maybe women are a risk because they will be the ones to take time off every time the child is ill.

Maybe the answer is HE should take all the sickness time off as unpaid leave because he is the one who can more afford to do so!!! Since you do have separate finances what is the benefit to you of looking at it in terms of 'you should take time off as you earn less so less will be lost'?

Original poster

lilygoodtime · 09/07/2012 22:23

I work part time since having dd.

He earns double what i earn, neither of us have good paid jobs.

He does pay for the car, building/content insurance and a few other bits from what he has left though, so its not like he has loads of money left for himself but still more than me

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 09/07/2012 22:25

Your husband is pocketing a lot of money at your expense.

You can't be "independent" of someone when you share a 24//7/365 responsibility.

If you left him he'd soon find out how much he'd need to pay for your "independence".

Tell him to buck his ideas up, act like a man, and stop exploiting his wife.

Jenstar21 · 09/07/2012 22:26

We both work full time, and try to juggle things when DD is ill. It's a nightmare, to be honest. DP is a teacher, which means it's less easy for him to take time off, so I end up doing about half the time, DM does about 20-30%, and DP does the rest when/if he can. We're very lucky DM is nearby and willing to help out when DD is unwell.

The money thing would concern me too. We have always paid the same % of our salaries into a joint account for our costs - ie. We both pay 70% of our salaries into a joint account, and the rest is ours for other things. It means we both feel we still have cash for other things, but contribute at a similar level. I earn more than DP, but I'm happy to contribute more, as it means we have the best lifestyle we can afford. DP also completely stepped up to the plate when I was unemployed, and was to be found forcing £20 on me to go out with friends! I think you need to discuss the financial split again - it's not sustainable how you describe....

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 22:26

I think things sound very unbalanced in your relationship. Your DH sounds like a bit of an arse

Flip

1 2 3 4