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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want other people feeding my baby?

69 replies

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:21

PFB is 12 weeks old. For various health reasons, I chose to formula feed my baby after a couple of days of being breastfed.

I had a difficult time bonding with my baby at first, and didn't feel that immediate rush of love you hear about. My husband and I decided that we would be the only ones to feed the baby, to help us bond properly.

I wasn't coping health-wise for a good 4 or 5 weeks post-birth. I had the flu, a kidney infection and was generally feeling tired and exhausted due to a difficult birth and lots of blood loss. My mum offered to stay over a couple of nights a week to help out, and give my husband and I a well-needed rest.

So we obviously had to "let" her feed the baby. We're very grateful of her help, and so it wasn't an issue.

I feel completely bonded with PFB now, and I feel that not letting everyone feed him is the right thing for us to do. Also my HV mentioned that it's not good for the baby to pass him around to be fed, and limited the amount of people that feed him helps us to bond.

My dad is giving me a really hard time about it. I wasn't going to "tell" anyone that they couldn't feed PFB, I was just planning on avoiding it IYSWIM, however one evening we dropped PFB off at my parents whilst we popped to the supermarket, and so had to mention that we only want my mum to feed him.

My dad has come out with passive aggressive comments when talking to the baby, such as "Your mummy is so mean, she won't let me feed you" etc. It's really getting me down.

If I was breastfeeding, it wouldn't be an issue about who feeds him, so I don't think it should be an issue just because I'm formula feeding. I already feel like enough of a failure as it is. Then whilst flicking through my mum's camera (she asked me to have a look at some pics she'd taken) I see a picture of my dad feeding the baby! I was upset, she apologised and said she felt guilty, but I feel betrayed by them now, that they couldn't respect my wishes.

So.. AIBU?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/07/2012 19:24

Your child so your rules but I really can't see why your dad can't - there are loads of ways to bond wiht your baby, settling them to sleep etc. And FF feeding IS different to breastfeeding cos as you have already said, your partner is doing it whereas if you were bf''ing they couldn't!!

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 19:24

Yes YABU

If you're going to let your Mum feed the baby then why not your Dad?

It's got nothing to do with bonding anymore as you said you've already bonded.

The baby's not being 'passed around' to be fed in this case.

I'd be upset too if I was your Dad.

usualsuspect · 09/07/2012 19:24

Yabu, your dad feeding her occasionally won't affect yoour relationship with your baby in any way

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2012 19:24

Your Dad is being a bit PA and annoying. He should respect your views. However, I do think you might be being a little U. Your Dad wants to feed the baby because he is in that GP place now. It must hurt that you wanted your Mum to feed DS, not him.

Anyway, believe me it wouldn't be any better if you were BFing. People wanted to feed DD expressed milk.

chandellina · 09/07/2012 19:25

Yabu, I don't see the harm at all.

LentillyFart · 09/07/2012 19:26

YABU. And weird.

SnapesOnAPlane · 09/07/2012 19:27

I think it was hurtful to tell him you only wanted your mother to feed the baby. There's absolutely no point to it - your baby being fed by another person is not going to magically soul-bond them making them forever joined together. Chill out.

hairylemon · 09/07/2012 19:27

Yabu to feel betrayed that your dad fed his grandchild. Massively ott imo.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 19:27

And if your baby had older siblings, they'd be queuing up to feed him too.

It's an important part of bonding for many family members to be fair.

numbum · 09/07/2012 19:28

YABU

numbum · 09/07/2012 19:28

Is your dad allowed to hold the baby?

Original poster
PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:29

I guess I didn't really see it from my dad's point of view. We only let my mum feed the baby as she was staying over to help us out, and give us a full nights sleep.
I just feel that feeding is a special moment. I barely saw the baby for the first week or so, and feel so guilty about it, that I want to be his main feeder..

OP posts:
raininginbaltimore · 09/07/2012 19:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I am going to have to ff from almost birth for medication reasons. We have decided that only myself and dh will feed the baby. I don't care what anyone else says, for the first few weeks that is what we want. It is important to me because I won't be able to BF.

Original poster
PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:31

hairylemon - I don't feel betrayed about the feeding, I feel betrayed that they went against the wishes of myself and DH, and then documented it too!

numbum - Yes, he is allowed to hold the baby.

OP posts:
TenaciousOne · 09/07/2012 19:33

Yabu. Tbh if your mum was busy for whatever reason would you prefer dd to be fed by your dad or left to wait until your mum had finished doing whatever.

hairylemon · 09/07/2012 19:34

Still very ott. It's feeding the baby a bottle, not regurgitating worms into its mouth. Pfb will still remember you Grin

greenbananas · 09/07/2012 19:34

There will always be somebody who tells you YABU.

I breastfed DS and was told by various members of family that I ought to be formula-feeding him so that DH and MIL could share that special bond (but fortunately DH was content to bond in other ways.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2012 19:34

But raining the baby is 12 weeks old so the "first few weeks" are gone anyway.

I do understand why you are pissed off he did what you asked him not to, though.

pinguthepenguin · 09/07/2012 19:35

Sorry, yabvvvvvu and I feel you will squirm at your preciousness in years to come. I've been there though! Used to make my visitors use bacterial hand gel before they touched my pfb, oh the shame!Grin

SuperTressy · 09/07/2012 19:35

YABU. I feel really sorry for your dad.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 19:35

I just feel that feeding is a special moment. I barely saw the baby for the first week or so, and feel so guilty about it, that I want to be his main feeder..

Yes feeding is a special moment which is precisely why your Dad wanted to share that moment with his Grandson.

It doesn't mean you're not the main feeder does it? Confused

pinguthepenguin · 09/07/2012 19:37

Just saw that 'you don't care what anyone else says'. Fair enough. Can I ask though.....um why did you bother asking our opinion?

Original poster
PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:38

Ok thank you, i'll try and relax more and let him be fed by others.

It's probably down to my own issues about failing to breastfeed, and I shouldn't let that affect decisions about who can feed. I didn't think for one minute that i'd end up FF, so i'm very prickly about it.

I am also very over-protective, PFB is an IVF baby, and I honestly didn't think i'd ever have a baby, so it makes me over-bearing sometimes.

I appreciate your opinions.

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 09/07/2012 19:38

I totally understand where you are coming from. Close your ears to passive aggressive comments.

Having said that at least you are not propping baby up with the bottle and walking away as I've seen. That makes me pull my judgy pants up so far I get a wedgy Grin

Original poster
PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:39

pinguthepenguin - it was raininginbaltimore that said that, not me.

OP posts: