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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want other people feeding my baby?

69 replies

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:21

PFB is 12 weeks old. For various health reasons, I chose to formula feed my baby after a couple of days of being breastfed.

I had a difficult time bonding with my baby at first, and didn't feel that immediate rush of love you hear about. My husband and I decided that we would be the only ones to feed the baby, to help us bond properly.

I wasn't coping health-wise for a good 4 or 5 weeks post-birth. I had the flu, a kidney infection and was generally feeling tired and exhausted due to a difficult birth and lots of blood loss. My mum offered to stay over a couple of nights a week to help out, and give my husband and I a well-needed rest.

So we obviously had to "let" her feed the baby. We're very grateful of her help, and so it wasn't an issue.

I feel completely bonded with PFB now, and I feel that not letting everyone feed him is the right thing for us to do. Also my HV mentioned that it's not good for the baby to pass him around to be fed, and limited the amount of people that feed him helps us to bond.

My dad is giving me a really hard time about it. I wasn't going to "tell" anyone that they couldn't feed PFB, I was just planning on avoiding it IYSWIM, however one evening we dropped PFB off at my parents whilst we popped to the supermarket, and so had to mention that we only want my mum to feed him.

My dad has come out with passive aggressive comments when talking to the baby, such as "Your mummy is so mean, she won't let me feed you" etc. It's really getting me down.

If I was breastfeeding, it wouldn't be an issue about who feeds him, so I don't think it should be an issue just because I'm formula feeding. I already feel like enough of a failure as it is. Then whilst flicking through my mum's camera (she asked me to have a look at some pics she'd taken) I see a picture of my dad feeding the baby! I was upset, she apologised and said she felt guilty, but I feel betrayed by them now, that they couldn't respect my wishes.

So.. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hopeforever · 09/07/2012 19:40

Ps congratulations on the birth of your baby and please don't worry about not EBF, it's not the most important thing, even if it's nice if it works out.

IceCubes · 09/07/2012 19:40

YANBU re choosing who feeds PFB, but I promise you that you'll get over it in a few weeks when you're exhausted and need a break!

Also you are not a failure AT ALL for not BFing!!!!

Babylon1 · 09/07/2012 19:41

YABU. that is all.

BambieO · 09/07/2012 19:41

Ah I can see why you are upset. It's probably more the feeling of not being listened to, like what you say isn't enough to be respected and adhered to. My very fear when our PFB comes along as I already get grief now over not wanting D IL's to not actually lend a hand and deliver our baby

I wouldn't take it personally would just be glad DF is so happy about his new grandchild. I would probably say pick your battles and maybe let this one slide if you can

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 19:44

YABU and you are running the risk of making your parents feel uncomfortable with their own grandchild.

Dont be surprised if you find that they do not show much interest in your child as time goes on if this is the way you treat your dad now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2012 19:44

Don't worry about the BFing. My DM used to worry about having FFed me and DB. I started asking her exactly how intelligent and good-looking she wanted us to be.

LoveHandles88 · 09/07/2012 19:48

I wouldn't let anyone else feed my dc for months (other than dh). I couldn't have cared less if anyone thought I was being unreasonable. It was one of the few times that it was just me and my dd. It was important to me. I couldn't really tell you why. No one found it offensive as far as I'm aware.
I think your dad had a right to be a little put out, as your mum was allowed to feed your dc. Passive aggression is not the way forward though.
YANBU imo.

Rubirosa · 09/07/2012 19:48

I think YANBentirelyU.

I hate seeing babies passed round like dolls just because they are bottlefed, it seems sensible to keep the number of people who feed a baby to a minimum.

However, your baby isn't a newborn any more and if you are happy to let other people babysit, then surely it should be ok to let them feed the baby?

TheSpokenNerd · 09/07/2012 19:49

yabu and the baby is lucky to have a granddad who is there to feed them.

TouTou · 09/07/2012 19:51

Oh, this sounds tricky. I'd say your head must be telling you YABU, but your heart must be saying YANBU. When it comes to babies, the heart tends to lead.

I remember feeling very sad that I couldn't feed my DN from a bottle (nor push her in the pram) because my sister was being PFB, so only my mum could feed her apart from sister. I felt pretty shit about it because my DN was this gorgeous pink bundle of loveliness and it was like having a picket fence saying 'back off!'

I definitely bonded more with her next DD as she was thrilled by then to have someone take the baby off her hands! To this day, I can't help but feel fonder of her second DD because I didn't have to tread on eggshells around her.

Original poster

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:52

It was only for 15mins or so Rubirosa, we just popped to the supermarket. I don't feel comfortable leaving the baby for very long, I just want to enjoy him while I can, as I'll be going back to work in the new year.

squeakytoy - You're way off the mark, but if my parents didn't show much interest because of this, then that would say a lot about them!

OP posts:

Dprince · 09/07/2012 19:52

Yabu. You asked your parents to look after the baby so they did. I think its quite mean and it would upset my dad. My dad has an amazing bond with ds because of reasons like this.
Yabu to compare it to bf. Of course it wouldn't be an issue if you bf, because you would be the only one that could bf. Your dad wouldn't feel left out and wouldn't (I hope) have a go. The baby is not being passed around. Your mum and dad were caring for him. He needs that bond if they are going to help you out.

pinguthepenguin · 09/07/2012 19:54

Sorry peazley, my mistake

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 19:55

Oh trust me OP, I am not way off the mark at all. I have 2 grandchildren, and my husband was put in a very similar position by his daughter, so I know very well what I am talking about here.

Becoming a grandparent, as you will hopefully find out one day is usually something that you get really excited about, you feel proud of your child for being a parent themselves. But to then be made to feel as if you are somehow unfit or incapable of being able to have any involvement with that child from the start, yes, you do tend to withdraw somewhat.

LentillyFart · 09/07/2012 19:55

Trust me OP - when your PFB is 21 none of this will have made the smallest impression on him.

Grumpla · 09/07/2012 19:56

You know what? You are being a wee bit unreasonable. But if you can't be unreasonable now, when the hell can you?

I "failed" to breastfeed both of my babies and the hormonal / emotional mess you end up with - quite aside from having been poorly yourself - is really horrible. A few short months on I can look back and see that some of the things I did / said in that time were totally batshit insane a little tiny bit U.

But I think your parents should appreciate the context of this a little more. You've been through a shitty time, if dictating who does / doesn't feed the baby for the first few months makes you feel better then they can bloody well roll their eyes behind your back but go along with it because it makes you feel better .

Don't worry. It does get easier. Soon you will be watching that precious little delicate thing throw itself off climbing frames whilst munching Haribo without batting an eyelid! In the meantime, try and explain to your folks that you know it is daft but it would really help you if they could humour you for a few weeks.

Maybe don't start talking about in terms of betrayal though

Good luck!

sheeplikessleep · 09/07/2012 19:56

I can understand you feel upset that your parents went against your wishes.

BUT, he is your Dad, he's not just anyone and your baby isn't being passed around. I also think you're wanting your parents to look after your baby - part of that is feeding your PFB.

If I were you, I'd talk to your parents, say that it isn't a big deal, but what is more important that they listen to you and if there is something you ask that they cannot abide by, to talk to you and come to a resolution. Your PFB is your baby and they must respect your views. It's about trust.

Equally, they are your PFBs grandparents and them bonding is also important too. Seeing the bond grow between your parents and your child is amazing and in time, you will really appreciate their relationship, it can be so special.

Talk to them, you have to trust them. But your Dad feeding your baby isn't a biggie, really. It's lovely they want to. They didn't document it to annoy you, it is a close thing to do, he just wanted to feel that closeness with his grandchild.

Good luck!

Original poster

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 20:04

Thank you, I know that IABU, I was hoping that maybe you'd say I wasn't but I'm not surprised at your responses really! I know it's not their fault I was ill etc. I will loosen up

Funny how no-one wants to do the nappy changes though, just the nice calm feeds

OP posts:

PaisleyLeaf · 09/07/2012 20:07

I just read about bottle nursing on here the other day and it does all make sense - being the main one to feed the baby etc.
But in this instance, as your parents were babysitting anyway, I don't see how your dad feeding the baby should affect your bonding or being the main feeder. Your mum obviously didn't mind or feel too precious about her position as feeder no 3.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 09/07/2012 20:10

I don't think yabu. If you were bf then you would'be the only one to do the feeding acs trying to replicate that as much as you can is not just to dio with bonding, but aldo with thr baby's sense of security. Since when has a baby been a toy to'be passed around to whoever wants a 'go'?

Anywaywhat it really comes down to its your baby, your rules. If they can go against your wishes with this then what else would they be prepared to do? A parent's wishes have to come before a gp's sense of entitlement.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 20:14

"If they can go against your wishes with this then what else would they be prepared to do? A parent's wishes have to come before a gp's sense of entitlement."

They want to feed the baby it's bottle.. not a can of coke!

Dprince · 09/07/2012 20:14

Just wanted to say I feel you pain re bf. I have been there.
I manages 5 weeks with dd, until I was admitted to hospital and placed on morphine (separate health issue, not baby related) and it dried up. With as (last year) my breasts would produce milk due to am operation I had.
Felt like a failure, but then dh said 'you know what, our kids are happy healthy and fed.' it snapped me out of it. Because that is what is important.
Dh is lovely, not insensitive. He knows how to approach me, might seem a harsh statement but it wasn't iyswim. It was what I needed.

Dprince · 09/07/2012 20:21

My post doesn't make sense. Should have said
Just wanted to say I feel you pain re bf. I have been there.
I managed 5 weeks with dd, until I was admitted to hospital and placed on morphine (separate health issue, not baby related) and it dried up. With ds (last year) my breasts wouldn't produce milk due to am operation I had after dds birth.
Felt like a failure, but then dh said 'you know what, our kids are happy healthy and fed.' it snapped me out of it. Because that is what is important.
Dh is lovely, not insensitive. He knows how to approach me, might seem a harsh statement but it wasn't iyswim. It was what I needed.

Kayano · 09/07/2012 20:41

It's your DAD....

You weren't there anyway.

Yabu

Kayano · 09/07/2012 20:41

I ff too btw, it's both awesome and fine!

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