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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want other people feeding my baby?

69 replies

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 19:21

PFB is 12 weeks old. For various health reasons, I chose to formula feed my baby after a couple of days of being breastfed.

I had a difficult time bonding with my baby at first, and didn't feel that immediate rush of love you hear about. My husband and I decided that we would be the only ones to feed the baby, to help us bond properly.

I wasn't coping health-wise for a good 4 or 5 weeks post-birth. I had the flu, a kidney infection and was generally feeling tired and exhausted due to a difficult birth and lots of blood loss. My mum offered to stay over a couple of nights a week to help out, and give my husband and I a well-needed rest.

So we obviously had to "let" her feed the baby. We're very grateful of her help, and so it wasn't an issue.

I feel completely bonded with PFB now, and I feel that not letting everyone feed him is the right thing for us to do. Also my HV mentioned that it's not good for the baby to pass him around to be fed, and limited the amount of people that feed him helps us to bond.

My dad is giving me a really hard time about it. I wasn't going to "tell" anyone that they couldn't feed PFB, I was just planning on avoiding it IYSWIM, however one evening we dropped PFB off at my parents whilst we popped to the supermarket, and so had to mention that we only want my mum to feed him.

My dad has come out with passive aggressive comments when talking to the baby, such as "Your mummy is so mean, she won't let me feed you" etc. It's really getting me down.

If I was breastfeeding, it wouldn't be an issue about who feeds him, so I don't think it should be an issue just because I'm formula feeding. I already feel like enough of a failure as it is. Then whilst flicking through my mum's camera (she asked me to have a look at some pics she'd taken) I see a picture of my dad feeding the baby! I was upset, she apologised and said she felt guilty, but I feel betrayed by them now, that they couldn't respect my wishes.

So.. AIBU?

OP posts:

Coconutty · 09/07/2012 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

georgethecat · 09/07/2012 20:48

Ah chillax.....a happy mum and family is the best for baby. x

FiftyShadesofViper · 09/07/2012 20:58

Your Mum and Dad sharing the feeding when they are babysitting is not reducing the times you feed PFB so chill and let them do whatever suits when they are babysitting.

Enjoy your time with baby, it is precious so stop worrying and feeling guilty, just enjoy it

ll31 · 09/07/2012 20:59

Truthfully cannot understand this at all. .. think you are being v unreasonable...can't imagine how ur dad is feeling. . And think you may have damaged your relationship quite seriously with him because you treated him as some kind of risk to baby ... but wish u all the best and hope you relax and enjoy your maternity leave

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 09/07/2012 21:02

But squeaky, they went against the Op's direct wishes. Whether those were U or not they should have respected them as the baby's parents. That's more the point than the Op's (understandably) emotional response to the situation.

Dominodonkey · 09/07/2012 21:12

YAB incredibly U. If I was your dad I would refuse to help in any way now. He must be incredibly hurt.

Yes 'Makes cakes' the parents did go against the OP's direct wishes but I would say it's ok when they are as mean and ridiculous as this request.

OP - please don't feel bad about FF. One of my friends went through this - her babies are both healthy and growing fabulously. The two breast fed babies within my group are both sickly. If this issue is genuinely a problem for you, perhaps you should seek counselling of some sort. IMO it is not normal to be this precious.

ShowOfHands · 09/07/2012 21:14

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all actually. Because it's not a calculated decision. It's your hormones and the trauma of the early days.

When I had my first, I was very upset and vulnerable due to the birth and the time immediately afterwards. I felt desperate, almost panicky about some v reasonable things. Other people calming dd when she cried for example. I couldn't hand that over to another person. It was my job. It was ridiculous. I know this, but every fibre of my being screamed that I couldn't do it. I expressed milk once btw so we could go out for lunch. DD was 12 weeks old. I came back to my Mum bottle feeding dd and I wanted to rip the bottle from her and throw it at the wall. There was no reasonable/unreasonable about it. I was vulnerable. And the people closest to me wanted to understand and supported me through it.

I have a ds now. And I know looking back that as well as ptsd (diagnosed), I was also depressed. I had a positive experience with him in the early days and I'm not so fragile or shattered by it all. Good support and understanding from those around me helped first time round.

Talk to your Dad. Explain. It's all just a bit new atm and you're feeling the enormous weight of guilt and responsibility which manifests itself differently for all of us.

ChesterCake · 09/07/2012 21:15

If you don't want anyone else to feed your baby you should of fed them before you left them to go shopping surely?
Or even taken them with you?!

Nikkim30 · 09/07/2012 21:28

I understand why you feel like this as a new mum, I had bonding issues too and felt similar to a certain degree but didn't act on it. I think that when the baby is older and you are bonded you will realise that it wouldn't have made any difference and you will feel
a little guilty for hurting your dads feelings.

ErikNorseman · 09/07/2012 22:08

PFBarama

Original poster

PeazlyPops · 09/07/2012 22:19

Thanks all, I have agreed that I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/07/2012 00:08

Good for you OP. Bear in mind that in a few weeks/months you will have to surgically remove DS to go to the toilet alone. He will be so firmly bonded to you, you won't know what hit you!

midori1999 · 10/07/2012 00:43

I don't think YABU in wanting to feed the baby as much as possible yourself, but in this situation where you weren't going to be able to feed the baby, I don't think it mattered whether your Mum or Dad fed him really? I can see why your Dad wouldn't understand and would feel upset.

However, they shouldn't have gone against your wishes, no matter how much they disagreed.

MrsTerryPratchett Oddly, despite being pretty much the only person to ever feed my DD, I manage to leave her just fine...

Sunnydelight · 10/07/2012 00:58

I'm not coming on to add another YABU because you have already accepted that I just wanted to add that I do sympathise a bit as I think it can be hard when you are FF; people have to give a bf baby back to mum to feed, but without that necessity people seem to feel that because they can feed you're a bit unnecessary.

DS2 was six weeks old one Christmas and my inlaws came to stay. Instead of being able to sit down and have a quiet cuddle with my baby while I gave him his bottle, MIL decided that was her right. For three days. It wsn't really the time to start a full scale family row so I ended up sneaking upstairs with him as often as I could only to have MIL come into my bedroom suggesting she take him for a while. Being helpful is one thing, taking over is another!

thevenerablebidet · 10/07/2012 04:06

My DS is an IVF baby as well. Apparently IVF are more likely to get stressed by parenthood because of all the shit we go through to have our babies. Whenever I think I'm going overboard because of it, I take a deep breath and try to step back, and remember I don't want to transfer the stress onto DS.

Could you relax the feeding rule for close family members? Like, say, maybe ones that you'd trust with an expressed feed if you had been able to bf? That probably isn't that many people, but also gives your baby time with other important family members.

rainydaysarebad · 10/07/2012 04:48

YABU. You've bonded, you know your baby recognises you as mother so what's the problem? Strange. I think you're being a Pfb...also, I don't know anyone who feels a rush of love for their baby even when ebf-ing. Took me a good few weeks with DS this time.

VegansTasteBetter · 10/07/2012 04:55

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. Your parents should respect your wishes. I mean wtf, sneak feeding the baby? That's weird.

tryingtoleave · 10/07/2012 05:07

I think YABU because you are being inconsistent.

If you want one of the advantages of bfing (being the exclusive feeder) then you have to accept one of the disadvantages - that you can't get other people to feed your baby when you do want them to. I get that you were sick, but if you were bfing and you were sick and lucky enough to have your dm over to help she would have had to bring your dc to you to feed at night (even if she was kind enough to settle dc after). You wouldn't have had the option of a full nights sleep. And you wouldn't be able to leave your baby with someone, even for 15 min, if it was at a time when your baby would need feeding. I don't understand anyway, if you don't want your dad feeding your baby, why you would leave your baby at a time when someone would feed him.

OhNoMyFanjo · 10/07/2012 05:21

Oh sweetheart, I really feel like giving you a squeeze. I totally understand why you feel like this, there is so much in there. Firstly I think you need to talk to them, tge reason I say that is yes I think it was a bit silly to say tgat to him and it has obviously hurt his feelings but to completely ignore what you've said for the sake of 15 mins is not on You need to be able to trust tgat they will respect your parenting choices when they have the baby and I think it's important you discuss tgat now. Tge benefit of doing it now is you can say silly me I was a bit ott and I'm sorry but next time please talk to me rather than ignoring my wishings.

I'm so pleased for your your pfb is finally here and that you can now enjoy having a lo, but yes you need to relax a little. Make sure you enjoy every minute because it is over so quickly. And I'm sure tgat is how your parents feel too, no doubt they wanted a grandchild almost as much as you wanted a baby.

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