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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be furious with h over his reaction

62 replies

Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:10

Decided 5 years ago our family was complete. Tried various forms of contraception: coil, pill... nothing worked well so D chose to have the snip.
Discovered last week I am pg !! His response was "hm, maybe I didn't go to the second follow-up visit". No apology, no support, no further mention of it except "have you been to the dr yet?" No discussion of what we should do, given that we decided for sure years ago that didn't want any more children and I am well over 40. I was beyond angry, his response was that he was sorry (when I said I expected apology) but he had gone for the snip and did I realise how big of a deal that was, etc. etc. did I want to be sterlised? No mention of my 3 pregnancies and deliveries, including 1 inducation and major hemmorage!! Maybe it's the shock and the hormones, but I just want to tell him to go away and never come back. How can our relationship recover when he is so thoughtless?

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoLips · 09/07/2012 13:12

YANBU. I would go nuclear. Huge breach of trust.

JuliaScurr · 09/07/2012 13:14

ooh, red line crossed for me.

no wonder you're livid. can you see yourself ever trusting him again?

puds11 · 09/07/2012 13:15

Prick!! That is beyond unreasonable on his part! I would be questioning my relationship if something like that happend.

paidgofyn · 09/07/2012 13:15

Do you want to continue with the pregnancy? Is your health up to coping with another child and a pregnancy? I think your priority is you and what you want/need to get throught the next days/weeks/months.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 09/07/2012 13:15

YANBU not at all

I'm really sorry ashera, you must be feeling so upset

AKMD · 09/07/2012 13:16

YANBU He didn't go for the second appointment and din't even tell you?!

Iggly · 09/07/2012 13:17

YANBU

What on earth was he thinking? Does he want another kid but you don't? Did he even have the snip first time?

Paiviaso · 09/07/2012 13:17

Wow what a breach of trust. No advice unfortunately, but YANBU to be deeply upset about this.

controlpantsandgladrags · 09/07/2012 13:19

Yanbu at all. So sorry op.

How has he reacted to the pregnancy?

Original poster

Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:20

Thank you all so much! This is my first post here because i really don't know who to talk to in rl. Normally he is so reliable and sensible, though not always the most emotionally available or understanding. At the time of the snip he didn't make a big deal of it at all, and now throwing it back at me as if it were such a huge sacrifice. At this point it is the thought of the pregnancy that fills me with dread, can't even get my head around another child. I have 3, 9-16!

OP posts:

GetOrfMoiiLand · 09/07/2012 13:22

I am so sorry. How horrible for you, and what a massive burden of decision you have.

I would be furious and so, so upset.

How can he be so dismissive of it? Is this typical of his behaviour or do you think he has just been shocked into silence by his own stupidity? Not that that is any excuse.

SquashedSquirrel · 09/07/2012 13:22

I'm so sorry. I also gob smacked to be honest. I just don't understand how on earth he could miss the check up and think it was all going to be ok!

ChickensHaveNoLips · 09/07/2012 13:22

Ashera, did he definitely have the vasectomy?

Original poster

Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:23

I am almost certain he doesn't want another, he is even older than me and v busy while struggling to make family time. Hasn't said, only asked what did I want to do to which I replied 'what do you think?' meaning didn't want another but he didn't ask for clarification, I'm sure he knew what I meant.

OP posts:

SquashedSquirrel · 09/07/2012 13:24

Maybe a stupid question but are you sure that he had the operation in the first place?

Pixieonthemoor · 09/07/2012 13:24

Do you want to be sterilised????? Seriously?????? Does he not realise that that is major invasive surgery not a little incision followed by a bag of frozen peas?? OK -I exaggerate but FFS. I am furious on your behalf. If it was me,I am really not sure how the relationship could every quite recover. And he only apologised when you said you wanted him to?? Is he always this appallingly selfish?

Original poster

Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:24

Yes, he def had the snip (I saw the evidence!). There was one followup (6 weeks?) which showed no sperm but another was advised which he 'forgot' to attend.

OP posts:

paidgofyn · 09/07/2012 13:24

Ashera that is a vile thing for him to have done. It leaves you in an awful position. Can you see a future where you love and trust him?

MrsBethel · 09/07/2012 13:27

The majority just assume that once it's snipped, that's that, and they'll only go back if they have some discomfort. It's a common error:

men.webmd.com/news/20060407/vasectomy-not-always-instant-fix
"A quarter of the men didn't do their two-month test, and only 21% followed the full instructions to get two back-to-back negative tests, the study shows."

puds11 · 09/07/2012 13:31

Does he realise the situation he has put you in?

valiumredhead · 09/07/2012 13:33

Oh blimey,OP. I hope you manage to sort something out but for me this would be a deal breaker as I could never trust him again, ever x

Callisto · 09/07/2012 13:35

I can see why you're upset and furious, I would be too. But how long ago did he have the snip? If it was a while and you have been having regular sex, then the two month sperm test may have shown up negative anyway (I'm assuming here).

ChickensHaveNoLips · 09/07/2012 13:36

I'm so sorry, Ashera. What a horrendous situation to be in. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd have to put aside the issue of DH's fuckwittery right now so that I could decided what to do about the pregnancy. Then I'd kill him. Slowly.

So, now that you are pregnant, what do you want to do?

Viviennemary · 09/07/2012 13:36

My first thought was 'did he actually have the vasectomy'. Then I felt immediately guilty for thinking this. But I notice a couple of other people wondered the same.

Mama1980 · 09/07/2012 13:38

My goodness this is awful-what a appalling breach of trust! I am on your behalf! Yanbu for me this would be a deal breaker how could u trust him again? Does he not understand the position he has put you in?

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