to be furious with h over his reaction

[Ashera]

Decided 5 years ago our family was complete. Tried various forms of contraception: coil, pill... nothing worked well so D chose to have the snip.
Discovered last week I am pg !! His response was "hm, maybe I didn't go to the second follow-up visit". No apology, no support, no further mention of it except "have you been to the dr yet?" No discussion of what we should do, given that we decided for sure years ago that didn't want any more children and I am well over 40. I was beyond angry, his response was that he was sorry (when I said I expected apology) but he had gone for the snip and did I realise how big of a deal that was, etc. etc. did I want to be sterlised? No mention of my 3 pregnancies and deliveries, including 1 inducation and major hemmorage!! Maybe it's the shock and the hormones, but I just want to tell him to go away and never come back. How can our relationship recover when he is so thoughtless?

OP I know this probably doesn't help right now, but my mum had my sister at age nearly 41 - I was 10 so the age one of your DC would be - and DSis4 is the much-loved and spoiled darling of the whole family. Mum always says it was so much easier with her as us elder siblings were desperate to be allowed to take care of her - we actually had a rota for who gave her feeds and put her to bed at night!

Mum now 63 and DSis4 nearly 23 - Mum managing to keep up just fine :)

That doesn't help over what happened with your H, but it is not impossible. DSis4 was also a 'surprise' following contraception failure.

I feel your pain, and there is no way I could cope with another child, so my heart goes out to you.

But I also think that there are two people involved here. Every one of my friends whose DH's have had the snip (seems to be the 'done' thing to do amongst parents at DS's school), have refused to have sex until they have had the follow up appointment and confirmed it had worked. And most of the wives have gone to the follow up appointments, as well. So, by not checking yourself that it had all been done properly, you aren't completely innocent.

But it is too late to start getting into the blame game now, you need to move on from that and decide, as a couple, what to do about the pregnancy.

Maybe she trusted her husband, Essex?

Poor you. Horrid situation. I imagine like you he is in shock. As someone else pointed out he could have said much worse.
I have to say though, did you not know about the six months all clear thing?
DH never went back for his but I know this...
Good luck whatever you decide

Essex, I think that is completely unfair. Her DH is an adult and shouldn't need to have his wife checking up on him.

That said, it does sound like you may be the 1 in 100 where it rejoined after a period of time.

I too would be furious in your situation and hope you are OK with whatever decision you make.

I feel for you as I totally get the not wanting another (am waiting for an appointment to be sterlised at the moment) but I agree with EssexGurl and you hold just as much responsibility to make sure the operation had completely worked before stopping other forms of contraception.

This is why I have chosen to have the op even though it is worse for me than DH as although DH agrees that we dont want another it would be my body that had to go through the emotional and physical consequences if I ended up pregnant and I am not prepared to have to make that impossible decision.

All you can do now is talk and make a decision (getting counselling if needed) but aiming all your anger at DH isnt going to help things and isnt 100% fair!

OP, did he tell you he'd been to the second appointment?

Essex, the point wasn't blaming him for the situation but rather his unhelpful and unsympatheric response to it. Also, as there was a period of 5 years from snip to pg, I think it likely that it worked for 5 years and has only failed recently so going to his follow up for the all clear wouldn't have made any difference. It seems there is no way to know it is working until it isn't, iyswim. All your friends may feel relief knowing they have the all clear, but it's not actually that straightforward.

3ismylot just wanted to share my research. My gp says female sterilisation in very rarely done nowadays, and it has a 30times great failure rate than vasectomy, not to mention a significantly increased risk of potentially dangerous ectopic pregnancy. I hope you have all the facts before making this decision. So this 'impossible' decision is not so easy to avoid as some may think. Short of complete abstention, no method, including vasectomy or tubal ligation, is foolproof. In fact, the failure rates of even the safest methods are surprisingly high. Perhaps both partners getting sterilised plus the pill or condom is the (very unsatisfactory) answer :(

Op have you discussed what you are going to do with your dh? I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

Have you tried to discuss it with hm?

The support thing works both ways, this is happening to him as well as you, you both need to support each other.

He might not know what to say because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. If he suggests you terminate, you might be angry with him, if he starts take oing about plans to keep it, you might be angry with him. I think you need to decide how you feel then take the lead, and tell him what you need from him.

I think the OP's DH is getting a hard time here. It's not an issue over the missed appointment as 5 years on, with no pg till now, it obviously worked. The issue is his reaction. Could it be he is just as shocked as the op, but was cautiously waiting for her reaction? After all, an addition to the family was unlikely to have been discussed in the last 5 years. Maybe the op could have changed her mind about a new baby now she is unexpectedly pg. How would he know? I hope , OP, you can have a talk with him now and thrash it out. But I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt here.
Good luck with whatever you decide, OP.