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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with h over his reaction

62 replies

Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:10

Decided 5 years ago our family was complete. Tried various forms of contraception: coil, pill... nothing worked well so D chose to have the snip.
Discovered last week I am pg !! His response was "hm, maybe I didn't go to the second follow-up visit". No apology, no support, no further mention of it except "have you been to the dr yet?" No discussion of what we should do, given that we decided for sure years ago that didn't want any more children and I am well over 40. I was beyond angry, his response was that he was sorry (when I said I expected apology) but he had gone for the snip and did I realise how big of a deal that was, etc. etc. did I want to be sterlised? No mention of my 3 pregnancies and deliveries, including 1 inducation and major hemmorage!! Maybe it's the shock and the hormones, but I just want to tell him to go away and never come back. How can our relationship recover when he is so thoughtless?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashera · 09/07/2012 13:39

Callisto, it was about 5 years ago. What you say is correct (I've done a bit of research) and if that was the case I obviously couldn't blame him (prob would anyway, but know I would bu to do so). The real problem isn't so much how it happened but his attitude and lack of support.

OP posts:
Callisto · 09/07/2012 13:42

I can see that - his reaction was/is bloody pants. Could he be in shock or denial do you think? Not that this excuses his behaviour, but when it has sunk in he may well behave in a more supportive and loving manner.

blisterpack · 09/07/2012 13:43

That is awful for you OP. What he's done is such a violation.

ariadne1 · 09/07/2012 13:44

I don't understand? what is the second appointment? He has had the snip and nothing has happened for 5 years so it must have been reasonably successful.
A much worse reaction would have been to tell you it couldn't be his!!

DeWe · 09/07/2012 13:45

Sometimes after the snip it joins itself up again. When should the follow up appointment have been? If it was recent then, yes it might have made a difference. If it was 3 years ago+ it might have only recently joined up.

Does he usually underreact to things?
My dh does. When we found out dd2 was missing her hand at the 20 week scan. His reaction was to say "we'll get on with it" and go and do a lot of research about it. I wanted to talk about it, get upset together... it took me years to realise actually he was as upset as me, he just showed it differently.

Jenny70 · 09/07/2012 13:46

YANU to be nuclear angry about his reaction to this.

But contraception fails, even back-to-back negative tests can be flawed - he had the vas. and obviously his swimmers are still getting though.

But I am curious about how you perceive your responsibility for this - DH has the snip, you know it's not effective yet, so you're presumably using other contraception at this time (or abstinence). He goes for 2w test (no sperm), but told to get another before assuming it is all OK. Did you continue to use other contraception and when exactly did this stop?

I can't see how if we using other contraception (pill, condom, abstinence) you suddenly stopped without the discussion with him about it being all fine.

If he lied and said he'd been given the all-clear, then that is outright deception and is a testicle-removing-event.

Hassled · 09/07/2012 13:47

If you've been having unprotected regular sex for 5 years without a pregnancy, then I'd say there's a possibility the vasectomy did work but has reversed itself - Google tells me "as many as one in 100 vasectomies may fail to prevent pregnancy within five years of the procedure".

Not that that excuses his failure to go to the follow-up visit. I think he probably got away with it, though.

What do you want to do now re the pregnancy?

kotinka · 09/07/2012 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nizlopi · 09/07/2012 14:04

It sounds more like the V has reversed itself. Shitty situation, sorry you're dealing with it :(

mopbucket · 09/07/2012 14:09

Thought you said u had a 3yr old HmmConfused

mopbucket · 09/07/2012 14:10

Doh no u have 3 children Grin

kotinka · 09/07/2012 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ashera · 09/07/2012 14:11

Jenny/Hassled: I agree it could be that it worked for years and has now failed. I don't really remember all the choronology clearly but imagine that he showed me the results of the first test saying 'no sperm' and I figured that was the all clear. I am pretty sure I didn't know about the need to follow up until he mentioned the 'missed appointment' now. After the seeming 'all clear' we no longer used contraception (which by then would have prob been condoms which we would have been glad to see the end of). I was miserable on the pill and had 2 unsuccesful coils (one painful, the other just came out!). All was fine for 5 years years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ashera · 09/07/2012 14:13

Ariadne: I did wonder whether he could possibly think this, but doubt it and there is absolutely no possibility of this so would happily do Dna test.

OP posts:
BettySuarez · 09/07/2012 14:15

I think it is his reaction and lack of sympathy/support for this unplanned pregnancy which would bother me, not necessarily the fact that he didn't attend his second appointment (DH didn't follow up any appointments but our youngest is now 11 so we are dangerously assuming all is ok Blush)

Hope you are OK OP, what are you going to do?

kotinka · 09/07/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 09/07/2012 14:18

oh dear, it must be awful for him not to be supportive, is he in shock, i would say it sounds like it has reversed, if it worked ofr 5 yrs.

hope he is able to support you in making your decision about what to do, its an awful postion to have to be in xx

Original poster
Ashera · 09/07/2012 14:21

Thanks again everyone, it is great to have your feedback and support.
Re: going forward, I honestly don't know. I am trying to untangle the anger/disappointment with H, my previous expectations about my life/family life and feeling physically wretched. Pregnant at 40+ is just not something I ever wanted which is why I started relatively young (late 20s). Having an 18 year old at over 60, 30+ years of childrearing? I know people do it but really not appealing, not to mention the effect on the rest of the family (though they might be delighted). Also, if our relationship doesn't survive, can't really picture being a single mother of 4... GP was lovely and said of course everyone will completely supportive if I decided not to go ahead, given the situation. Would love to hear from anyone else who has faced similar.

OP posts:
GrahamTribe · 09/07/2012 14:23

He'd be out that door with my foot up his butt if he did that to me. No, on second thoughts, he'd be allowed to stay to help care for and fund the children but he'd never sleep in my bed again. Ever.

Loie159 · 09/07/2012 14:27

Oh you poor poor thing....... I hope you are OK?
Now I am NOT defending your H here, but my DH has just had this done 4 months ago.... you do have to go for follow up after 4 m. But there is a chance that the tubes can rejoin (recanulise) at any stage after it is done. It is a risk of a vasectomy and one that Dr and Surgeon should have told you both at the time. If he did "forget" then that is unforgivable IMO. Apparently the reason for the 4 m check is that it is Most Likely to rejoin in that time, but it can happen at any stage. recanulisation is apparently rare but if he had it done 5 years ago and you have been having regualr sex in that time, if it hadnt worked properly or he didnt do it, then that is a long time to have unprotected sex before a conception IYSWIM?

It doesnt take away from the fact that you are in a very difficult position now, and feel totally betrayed an unsupported... and I hope you are OK.

Can you talk to him about this again to see if he did go back - like I said his reaction is terrible, but it could have been something that happened only recently.....

GiserableMitt · 09/07/2012 14:28

so sorry to hear of your situation.

I think you need to separate all the different issues and concentrate on them in order of importance.

I think you need to work out what you ant to happen wrt the pregnancy and go from there.
You need to get your DH to talk you you about your feelings and his attitude.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt about the missed appointment after all this time. He did get the all clear frist time around and I think you need to ask yourself if you weren't pregnant and he casually said "By the way, I never did go for my 2nd test" would you still be bloody lived or would you think "Well, it was clear first time around and we've not had any problems in 5 years so it doesn't matter"?

good luck.

GiserableMitt · 09/07/2012 14:29

Please excuse all the typos Blush

DeepPurple · 09/07/2012 14:29

Oh what a horrid situation. Sad

It really might not be his fault. There are thousands of men that have had the snip only for it to reverse years later. Even if he had gone for a follow up appointment it could have been a negative result then only for the tubes to fuse back together again later. Remember that it only takes one sperm so even if he was tested now there might not be much that would show up in a test.

I can see why you are angry at him but it's not going to help the situation. You need to sit down together and discuss your options and how you feel about it all.

kotinka · 09/07/2012 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SCOTCHandWRY · 09/07/2012 14:31

Had DC4 at age 42, eldest DC was almost 17. He's 2 now and a delight to all. His teenage siblings are all fantastic with him.

If you go ahead with the pregnancy - you will cope, you will adjust, life expectations change all the time, for one reason or another.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk with your DH about this, and soon!