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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have my wedding on a Friday and make the guests take time off work/ primary school?

81 replies

Ambivalence · 09/07/2012 12:50

I am getting married this spring, the original plan was to have a religious ceremony in our local (very small) temple on the Friday for both families and my parents friends ? about 50 people, then go to a hotel for a meal (mini reception) that afternoon. Then reception for our 100 of our friends ( piss up) on the Saturday, at my old uni.

My mother has managed to find a (gorgeous) wedding venue with a capacity of 200 where we could have the religious ceremony and a reception, so we could invite everyone, the only problem is it is only available on the Friday. If we had our wedding ceremony and reception there, we could invite all our friends to the ceremony, and just have one reception ? which clearly appeals to me in terms of cost, as it would basically halve my mother?s costs ( she has offered to pay for the whole thing).

Is it unreasonable to expect people to take Friday off work ( half the guests will be coming from Holland and would need to fly in on the Thursday evening, take the Friday off work and take their children out of school for a day).

I guess another option is to change the date of the wedding to a Saturday when it is available, but we had our hearts set on the date ( just after easter). Am finding it difficult to strike a balance between pleasing my mother and my fiancé, and the guests and getting a bit stressed about it all...

OP posts:

RevoltingChildren · 09/07/2012 14:12

I've recently had to decline an invite to a Friday wedding despite the fact it is in the August holidays.
Main reason is its a child free wedding. I work for a family business 5 members of the staff were invited (including my parents) we can;t all have the same day off plus my husband has a prior commitment taking my daughter to an important rehearsal in a town 40 miles away then he has to look after our son.

However I also work Satudays in another job (no time off at all allowed in term time) so have to decline just as many Saturday invites.

snuffaluffagus · 09/07/2012 14:18

Fortunately all the weddings I've been to in the past couple of years (and there's been A LOT) have all been Saturdays. I'd find it a bit of a pain in the arse to take a Friday off but if I loved the person getting married I would of course do it.

Do what's right for you and enjoy it, the important people will be able to make it, just give them lots of notice.

ClaireBunting · 09/07/2012 14:28

YANBU.

Have the wedding on the day that suits you and your family's budget. If guests really can't make it, they will catch up with you another time.

We have certainly been invited to weddings we weren't able to attend. That's life.

Our own wedding was on a Thursday, which was perfect for our transatlantic guests as they only had to take one week off work and could make a holiday of it. A weekend wedding would have been much more awkward for them. I don't think any of our guests couldn't come because it was a weekday.

Schools often won't give agreed absences for weddings, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. If the school wants to play hardball, they have to declare it as unapproved, which few schools have the balls for. This is not something for the happy couple to worry about.

YoulllaughAboutItOneDay · 09/07/2012 14:32

As others have said, have it the day that suits you best, but you can't 'make' your guests do anything and be prepared that some won't be able to come - particularly those with school aged children and anyone who works in education.

Annunziata · 09/07/2012 14:53

YABU for thinking that if they really want to come they'll be able to. It's not always that easy. Can you do a quick mass email/ facebook message tonight/ this weekend to find out rough numbers and then go from there?

LAlady · 09/07/2012 15:22

We had to decline an invite last weekend, as the wedding was on a Friday. It meant flying on the Thursday and with children was impossible. If it had been on the Saturday we would have been able to go.

That said, my friend had her wedding on a Friday local to us. As it was afternoon, the children left school after lunch and that one worked out fine.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 09/07/2012 15:27

You must do what you want to, but not hold it against anyone who can't or won't come.

KitCat26 · 09/07/2012 15:41

Do what is most convenient for you, it is your wedding!

But be prepared if its a Friday that people may not be able to come though.
With it being just after Easter is there a chance that the Dutch schools may have holidays so not an issue to take the kids out of school?

A good friend's wedding was on a friday and everyone they invited accepted! Mine and DH's was on a Friday- we had family elders (therefore retired folks) and close friends (ones willing to take day off) to the day and cousins/work colleagues to the evening shindig.

DontmindifIdo · 09/07/2012 15:45

well, first things first, have you tried contacting the venue and asking when the next Saturday availability is rather than asking for specific Saturdays? You might be pleasantly surprised... (especially if you aren't getting married during the Easter holidays, it might be cheaper/less popular at other times)

Friday weddings do cause problems if people need to take time off work or have childcare issues (or issues taking DCs out of school). Remember, your wedding day is the most important day for you, not your guests. This doesn't mean they don't like you, just that by making it difficult for people to attend you shouldn't be surprised/upset if they don't. (Remember as well, if you are having your reception in a venue that's not a hotel, people with children will have to leave at some point early evening to put their DCs to bed, if you are in a hotel it's easier for couples to just pop upstairs and get the hotel to arrange a babysitter for them - clubbing together to make this cheaper, if not, you will find a lot of those people will leave to put DCs to bed and not come back fo the rest of the evening).

marathonrunner · 09/07/2012 15:55

I would have thought that the people who you really want the most will definitely make the effort, e.g. family and close friends. Other people, who you are not so close will hopefully come and it will be a bonus if they do. I have only been to one weekday wedding but I was given loads of notice and there was a really good turnout. Just please yourself, not others

Noqontrol · 09/07/2012 15:58

I had my wedding on a friday, but it was over the summer holidays so school wasn't a problem. Only 2 people couldn't make it, so it was good going, especially as we only gave 3 weeks notice. I was surprised at the effort people did make really.

Original poster

Ambivalence · 09/07/2012 16:01

Have checked and the venue is free the Saturday before, which will def be in the easter holidays ( same price for Fridays and Saturdays btw), so that could work for the dutch contingent. Would need to persaude OH though as he is keener on Oxford, it is just so much trouble to have the reception and venue an hours drive from each other ? would rather have all in the same place...

OP posts:

Original poster

Ambivalence · 09/07/2012 16:02

Not a big hotel - only 9 rooms - 4 needed for family but if 5 of the dutch families stayed, tat woudl cover all the dutch kids i think...

OP posts:

LeeCoakley · 09/07/2012 16:08

I'd be looking at another date I think. Especially if your DF wanted the reception at your old college.

DontmindifIdo · 09/07/2012 16:10

go for the Saturday before then! You could reseve a couple of rooms for the Dutch contingent if they needed somewhere to put DCs down to sleep while they partied. Even better if you can get a list of babysitters for them!

minipie · 09/07/2012 16:12

Ok so it's no longer a Friday vs Saturday debate, it's a venue vs venue debate.

Is there not a place for the ceremony closer to the Oxford college? some friends got married in the Oxford old town hall (central oxford) they have some lovely rooms.

Vixxen · 09/07/2012 16:18

I'm having min on a Friday in the Easter hols. I think YABU for thinking you can force people to take time off and come though :D

sayithowitis · 09/07/2012 17:05

YANBU to have your wedding where and when you want. But, YWBU to think any less of anybody who could not attend on a Friday for whatever reason. it is not always simply a case of 'those that want to make the effort to attend, will'. i work in education, so it would be extremely difficult, not to say expensive, to take a day off work. DH, in theory, can take his annual leave when he wants, however, he only gets the statutory amount and once used up cannot have any more unless he 'buys' a day. Even if he had annual leave available, depending on how many others were already off at that time, he may still be unable to have the day off work, especially if the day is in a school holiday period, as those dates go quickest when staff have to choose their holiday dates. I am sure DH cannot be the only person who is not able to take time off always when it suits him. In fact, despite me being in education and having school holidays off, we tend to only ever get two weeks off together purely because he cannot usually get more time off in school holidays.

Whatever you decide, I hope you have a lovely day.

MyMelody · 09/07/2012 17:17

Go for Friday, a heck of a lot of people work weekends as well you know! You will never please everyone, just give plenty of notice and don't worry about it at all.

ilovesooty · 09/07/2012 18:27

It is very hard to take you children out of school in Holland

Agreed.

manicinsomniac · 09/07/2012 18:33

YANBU to have the wedding when you like as long as you don't get cross with anyone, however close a friend or family, who can't go.

It's a bit annoying to see people say that if someone care's enough they will go. That just isn't always true. If I had a Friday wedding invite it wouldn't matter if it was from my own sister, the person I love most in the world. I still wouldn't be able to take a day off work.

ENormaSnob · 09/07/2012 18:44

We would struggle with a Friday wedding tbh.

Having the reception an hour away from the ceremony is not a great idea either IMO.

VolAuVent · 09/07/2012 18:56

YABU. I've never been to a wedding on a Friday, they've always been at the weekend. You're right that time off work, commuter traffic, or taking children out of school, are all either difficult, ill-advised or impossible.

RafflesWay · 09/07/2012 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdofthenorth · 09/07/2012 19:11

We had our wedding on a Friday and anticipated 60-75% of invited guests would be able to make it. Think it was more like 90%. SIL & a close friend negotiated time off school teaching (without pay I think- very nice of them, not sure I was adequately thankful at the time)

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