Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you are struggling to feed your kids.

61 replies

cuteboots · 09/07/2012 10:05

So a member of my family i.e a cousin is a single mum with 3 kids. An 18 year old son who sits in the house all day playing on line poker and 2 children at school. She has been offered a job in a care home but is going to turn it down? No childcare? So could the 18 year old son not help? Also based on the fact she is obviously struggling could she not take the job for a while . I know its not the ideal job so please tell me if Im being silly? Ive probably opened a tin of worms here

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 09/07/2012 10:07

Do you know it's because of no childcare? Maybe there's another reason.

worriedwretch · 09/07/2012 10:08

Have you spoken to her about it?

Have you offered help?

altinkum · 09/07/2012 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonnieBumble · 09/07/2012 10:11

Impossible to comment without knowing the full situation.

KatherineKavanagh · 09/07/2012 10:11

In similar position here, my 18 year old hasa life and works/college, but she is a school contact and as I am looking for work, will help where poss

Care home work.... It's shifts and nights too. Maybe he can't be trusted to be around?

lauratheexplorer · 09/07/2012 10:12

It's probably not as black and white as you make it sound.

YouOldSlag · 09/07/2012 10:15

If the care home pays minimum wage, she might end up worse off financially than if she stayed on benefits.

It's not right, but it may well be true.

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 10:18

I thought ppl had to work if they could?...won't a person have benefits stopped if she is turning down work opportunities?...
Unless the 18yr old has any difficulties/issues then she doesn't need childcare from outside the home for youngest 2....

Without more info it's difficult to know her position....you can be a supportive or non-supportive auntie...thats up to you....I'm not sure you are best placed to make any assumptions or judgments though....she has obviously got this far in life by herself...thats a great success right there if you ask me...

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:20

I dont get this "the older one can look after them" idea that i have seen alot on here. Why is it so often trotted out as the solution to childcare needs?

Yes, there are those that have their own children at this age, but the whole point is that the child is their child. Being told that you must look after your siblings at 18 is a lot of responsibility, that most 18 year olds wouldnt want and therefore wouldnt take seriously. Add into the mix that most siblings dont listen to each other, and the younger ones dont tend to have the respect for their older brother or sister that they have for their parents, and you have a recipe for disaster!

Its widely accepted that grandparents dont have to do childcare duty if they dont want to, so why is it deemed ok to foist it onto a teenager who has less experience and confidence?

Iggly · 09/07/2012 10:21

Do you think an 18 year old who sits online all day is best placed to look after two young children? Hmm

Can you help?

She's applying for jobs so must have options. However maybe the shifts don't work for her? Hopefully she'll get another one.

She should get the 18 year to get a job too!

EndangeredOtter · 09/07/2012 10:22

What bogey said.

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:23

And.....what if the 18 year old goes to college or gets a job? You cant rely on someone of that age being your long term childminder.

It really baffles me that people genuinely suggest it as a workable option!

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:23

Bogey face but it doesn't sound like he'd be required to do a lot - two children at school may be 14 and 12! He's not going to be changing nappies and doing bedtime. Agree though, if not in education it would be better if he could get a job.

squeakytoy · 09/07/2012 10:25

Why should an 18yo be forced to be responsible for their siblings. It isnt their responsibility.

The 18yo should be out looking for a job themselves though, and contributing to the household income, not pissing about playing poker online all day.

It also depends on the age of the other children and the hours that the job entails.

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:26

Well I am assuming from the OP that they do need care otherwise why mention it?

And yes, getting a job is the ideal but my son has been applying for everything going for 2 years and got nowhere. Thats with retail experience and volunteering, an 18 year old with no experience wouldnt stand a chance!

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:28

And it doesnt change the fact that this is touted as a proper childcare solution on MN quite often. Why is it deemed ok to force someone barely out of childhood themselves to provide care for their younger brothers and sisters? Its neither safe, practical or workable as a longterm fulltime solution.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:30

Well he's an adult in the family and needs to contribute. Eithe financially, or by enabling another adult to work. That's what it comes dkwn to. Him looking after siblings may not be ideal but that's life. I agree it would be better if he could work - bar work, labouring? All I meant was that he may not be the best babysitter in the world but he's an adult and should be able to act like one.

ChaoticismyLife · 09/07/2012 10:31

In some ways children who are 14 & 12 would be worse than younger ones. They're less likely to listen to their elder sibling or recognise his authority.

The 18 year old does need to get a job though, assuming he isn't in college, even then he could look about for part time work.

usualsuspect · 09/07/2012 10:32

If the 18 year old is on benefits, he will have to go to work training interviews etc at some point. So not really an ideal solution to rely on him for child care.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:35

Not ideal but as an adult member of the family he needs to be contributing.
He could think of it as work training - people management, time management, problem solving.

WorraLiberty · 09/07/2012 10:37

No-one in my opinion should do care work for the money, hours or anything else other than the fact they really want to do it because they care.

There are too many old and vulnerable people out there who have totally crap carers who don't give a shit...all they want is the wage at the end of the month.

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:37

he's an adult and should be able to act like one

Should being the word to focus on there. At 18 people are so different, some are very mature and adult in their outlook and some are just overgrown kids that will take a few more years to to catch up. Expecting a contribution is fine, my son has some housework chores that he has to do, but childcare is a big thing to ask anyone to do.

It always surprises me that you can get 2 threads about childcare, with one saying that a CM/Nanny should be CRB checked, come with references and recommendations etc, and another saying that an 18 year old with no childcare experience and no choice in whether they want to do it or not, can "just" look after their brothers and sisters!

Its all a bit DM to suggest that one DC should look after the others so that the feckless single mum can work, after all any job is better than none and they should be jolly well grateful!

usualsuspect · 09/07/2012 10:37

He will have to take part in training courses if he can't find a job, so what will the OPs friend do then?

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:37

Very true

Dropdeadfred · 09/07/2012 10:38

I have two 'adult' dc and a 7 year old. I have never asked the elder two to look after their sister - ever. It's not their responsibility and I think if anything ever happened whilst their sister was in their care they would never forgive themselves. I wouldn't ever expect them to provide child care. My dd is my responisibity ( and dhs)