Page 2 | To think that if you are struggling to feed your kids.

cuteboots · 2012-07-09T09:05:34+00:00

So a member of my family i.e a cousin is a single mum with 3 kids. An 18 year old son who sits in the house all day playing on line poker and 2 children at school. She has been offered a job in a care home but is going to turn it down? No childcare? So could the 18 year old son not help? Also based on the fact she is obviously struggling could she not take the job for a while . I know its not the ideal job so please tell me if Im being silly? Ive probably opened a tin of worms here

Moominsarescary · 09/07/2012 10:39

I have a 17 year old, he occasionally looks after the 15 month old when he's in bed.

However I almost never leave him and the 9 year old together as they argue. No way could he have him in school holidays it just wouldn't work, not to mention the fact that he has his own life and isn't some kind of built in babysitter for me so

Yabu

Al0uise · 09/07/2012 10:40

Totally agree with WorraLiberty. It's impossible to make people care.

Having said that the 18 year old wouldn't be sitting on his arse all day if he was mine and somebody is bankrolling the online poker, its not free to play.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:41

That was to worra.

Training courses are unlikely to be all day every day, are they? I suppose a lot of ths depends on how old the children are. Other arrangements can usually be made
And this isn't about feckless single mothers. Or whatever for ne. I got the impression from the op that she did want to do this but couldn't because of lack of childcare. If its not that straightforwrs fine. But if I had to turn down a job because of childcare while another adult sat and played computer games all day I'd be livid. Does he contribute at all? Does he get his clothes washed and meals cooked?

Original poster

cuteboots · 09/07/2012 10:42

I have offered to help her but work full time so could only do it at weekends really or if she was asked to work evenings.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 09/07/2012 10:43

Actually if hes getting jobseekers, he should be available for work at all times.

He couldn't rock up at the jobcentre and say he was baby sitting so couldn't make the interviews.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:43

It really does come down to how old they are. I assume teenage as otherwise its a big gap. Is he being asked to actively 'parent' or simply e the adult in charge.
And I see nothing wrong with expecting contributions from all members of a family. That is x1000 when they are an adult!

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:45

The argument about carers doing the job because they want to applies equally to the 18 year old!

He cant be forced to be a caring childminder to his siblings. He would be doing the job because his mother is making him, not because he wants to and that is not a safe environment.

And at 18 they are adults legally yes, but emotionally? No, many of them are still children. They dont wake up on their 18th birthdays as fully fledged capable adults you know!

usualsuspect · 09/07/2012 10:45

My older DCs did occasionally help out with childcare with my youngest , however I would never have expected it to be a permanent arrangement.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:47

no of course they don't. I'd be quite surprised at a 17yo being incapable, less surprised at a 16yo, not at all surprised at a 15yo. He is 18. He is an adult member of the family.

Original poster

cuteboots · 09/07/2012 10:48

stealthploarbear-If she did a night shift he d be in the house but the kids are in bed anyway . I think she has been offered lots of trg and NVQ courses etc and would get he kids stuff ready before she left for work.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:48

What I suppose I'm getting at is why is this all her problem?

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:49

He is an adult member of the family.

But he is not a trained or willing child carer. I expect everyone in my house to contribute to running it, but I would not want my 21 year old looking after the others (5 of them ranging in age from 14 to 1).

Would you really, happily, leave your children with someone who didnt want to look after them and therefore wouldnt do a very good job just because they should contribute?

BonnieBumble · 09/07/2012 10:51

Does she want the job, is it just childcare issues that are preventing her from taking it?

bogeyface · 09/07/2012 10:51

why is this all her problem?
Because she is a single mum and it goes with the territory. The 18 year old is her child, not her husband or the other DCs father, so he doesnt have the same level of responsibility. Nor should be be expected to have.

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:51

how old are the otheers?

Lifeissweet · 09/07/2012 10:51

I would say that it is not at all unreasonable for the 18 year old to look after his siblings on an occasional emergency basis as a contribution. However, it's not workable as a long term solution. If anything, it would give him an excuse not to go out and get his own job and fulfil his own ambitions. It sounds as though he needs to have a kick up the bum to get out and bring some money in himself. Then they just may be able to afford some sort of childcare.

He does need to contribute. He is an adult and needs to learn responsibility. He is lucky to have a roof over his head and a mother to support him, but I would argue that that contribution should be financial rather than as childcare.

TwoIfBySea · 09/07/2012 10:52

Why should an 18 year old be forced to look after his siblings? Because if he is part of a struggling family he needs to pull his finger out his bum and help. What is with all the excuses? He is 18 ffs.

I swear but I'd hate it if either dts got to that age & felt their life consisted of sitting online all day taking no responsibility for anything & enjoying the pathetic excuses piled on so they could continue that lifestyle.

You know as parents it is better to have a little ambition that your child has a life than this constant "oh well poor dear can't possibly be expected to manage..."

TwoIfBySea · 09/07/2012 10:52

Why should an 18 year old be forced to look after his siblings? Because if he is part of a struggling family he needs to pull his finger out his bum and help. What is with all the excuses? He is 18 ffs.

I swear but I'd hate it if either dts got to that age & felt their life consisted of sitting online all day taking no responsibility for anything & enjoying the pathetic excuses piled on so they could continue that lifestyle.

You know as parents it is better to have a little ambition that your child has a life than this constant "oh well poor dear can't possibly be expected to manage..."

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:53

But if (and I do mean if, there may be circumstances I don't know about) she is housing, feeding, clothing and providing electricity for his computer, as an adult he needs to grow up and contribute

StealthPolarBear · 09/07/2012 10:54

and sorry, I do agree this could not be a long term solution. It really does depend on the ages of the children involved

Birdsgottafly · 09/07/2012 10:57

This may not be about the 18 year old at all and those that say he needs to get a job are unrealistic and he has to be available for work, or will soon be offered training courses.

Care shifts are either 7/8am-7/8pm, or equivilent nights, so difficult for any single mums.

In the ideal world, the father would be an option, but i take it that isn't the case.

Care work, as said should be done by those that want to do it, not weighed up, like working behind a till. Not everyone can change pads, night shifts are all about cleaning up shit, tbh.

The job doesn't pay sick pay, that is what causes most problems. Go off sick and you cannot pay your rent, you don't earn enough to be better off than on benefits, then.

If she is struggling to feed her children, now. Then she will probably still find it a struggle.

Laquitar · 09/07/2012 11:00

What usual said. He has to be available for job interviews or training.

Also, if he is really that lazy and plays poker all day then he is not the right person to look after 2 teenagers - and teach them how to play poker. Maybe the mother is trying her best to make sure that the other two will have a better future.

cory · 09/07/2012 11:02

Of course he ought to be responsible! But what if he isn't? What if the mum knows something about him we don't? What if he genuinely can't be trusted and she puts him in charge of the childcare and something goes wrong?

I would be happy to put my 15yo in charge of young children (if she had nothing else to do) because I know she is responsible. If I knew she wasn't, then nothing would make me opt for that solution, however much I wished she was different.

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/07/2012 11:02

Depends how young the other two are but I agree with Stealth most part. He is old enough to get a job looking after other people's children so why not take care of his own siblings? He is an adult but he isn't being treated like one if he is not given any responsibility or made to contribute in any way. It is about time he stepped up?

As for being available to go down the job centre - isn't it most likely that he would be going during the school day anyway when he no children in tow. If he gets a job then great, he can start contributing to the household and perhaps his mother can afford some other childcare for the younger two.

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/07/2012 11:02

Depends how young the other two are but I agree with Stealth most part. He is old enough to get a job looking after other people's children so why not take care of his own siblings? He is an adult but he isn't being treated like one if he is not given any responsibility or made to contribute in any way. It is about time he stepped up?

As for being available to go down the job centre - isn't it most likely that he would be going during the school day anyway when he no children in tow. If he gets a job then great, he can start contributing to the household and perhaps his mother can afford some other childcare for the younger two.