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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have used her bacon?

59 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:19

I was making a lovely grilled full English this morning for me and DP. He came in and said I was ungrateful because I didn't use the bacon his mum got us cheap (from god knows where or who) which is in the freeze because there was a lot of it. (I'm worried about defrosting meat anyway).

I promptly burst into tears as I'm very hormonal at 16 weeks pregnant as he was going on about how ungrateful I am and I'm not nice to her (she is schizophrenic and her moods are very unpredictable, so one day she will be all over you, the next she will frighten you). I find her intimidating but I am very polite to her when we go to her house, make conversation, invited her to mine for dinner.

I feel like I've tried so hard and he's still not happy. He's not even close to her btw. Shes also become very excited about the baby, she said she's buying a cot and doing a nursery in her house, which has worried me because I wouldn't feel my baby was safe there alone.

So now we've spent the whole morning in separate rooms and I threw half mine away as I couldn't eat it through crying over fucking bacon.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2012 10:21

YANBU. Making an issue about freezer contents sounds very odd. Does he have a go at you about other trivial stuff? Hmm

Gigondas · 08/07/2012 10:22

Yanbu not to have eaten bacon as I was mega precious about food when pregnant. But this row sounds more about your mil role in your family . Oh and pregnancy hormones make everything seem worse.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:22

Just to add, the last time I saw her she basically threw me out of the house as DP wasn't there. I was in bed at 7am (this was when he lived there, she heard him leave and got the Hoover out and began hoovering outside the door and smashing it against the door in a way to wake me. She then started shouting through the door, are you leaving because I've got to go soon. I ran out really scared. So it was really hard for me to go back and pretend nothing happened and be polite etc

OP posts:
Kennyp · 08/07/2012 10:23

Gosh!! I would,ve streaky-ed round the house naked even if i did have a rash-er and then landed on my back screaming danish ...... And other bacon related unfunny jokes.

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:23

Not usually cog but I think he's defensive of his mum despite knowing how difficult she is

OP posts:
Oogaballoo · 08/07/2012 10:24

I hope he at least backtracked on what he said when you started crying :(

QuintessentialShadows · 08/07/2012 10:24

I am sorry, this sounds very strange. Is he nasty about other things too?
You say "I feel like I've tried so hard and he's still not happy." I assume there is more to it than just absurd behaviour over bacon?
How long have you been together? Do you live together?

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:27

He wasn't shouting at all, just talking. I began raising my voice.

quint I feel like I've tried my best with his mum, not anything else. We've been together 3 years and live together, yes.

OP posts:
Gibbous · 08/07/2012 10:29

YANBU about using your preferred bacon (never thought I'd say that sentence).

But, more importantly, YADNBU about his treatment of you. His pregnant wife is cooking him a full English and he not only has the audacity to complain but call her ungrateful?!

Is he often a twunt like this OP?

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:29

It isn't really about the bacon for him, it's what me not usin the bacon represents - me being ungrateful and not nice to her. But I really think he is wrong here. I've tried very hard, I'm polite, thank her for anything, make pleasant light-hearted conversation, invite her round to mine (that was difficult for me). What more can I do?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 08/07/2012 10:30

It just seems to me that if he mistrusts your judgement over bacon, and is choosing to have a go at you over bacon, when you, his partner, his pregnant partner no less is cooking a fab breakfast, is very nasty. He did not see the good thing you did, he did not see your efforts, all he saw was a snub against his mum. And this I find very odd.

Is he disrespecting you in other ways? Putting you down, or "in your place", so to speak?

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 10:30

Then my previous post plus cherries on the top.

He needs to respect you OP, however difficult is mum is, especially as you aren't doing anything wrong!

trixie123 · 08/07/2012 10:31

yes he's being very silly to make a fuss but it does sound like there might be more to it. Also, what exactly are you worried about with defrosting meat? Its perfectly safe so long as it hasn't been frozen before and you let it defrost properly. When your baby is weaning you'll want to make batches of stuff and freeze it in small portions for defrosting one at a time. Sorry, not really the point of your post I know!

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:31

And the bacon I got was Norfolk black smoked thick cut from butchers, if anyone was interested

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:34

No, good to know trixie! I've never done much freezing/defrosting so I'm always worried. It was more the fact that I didn't know where it was from or when it went off as it's not in any packaging. I think her brother works in a meat factory and gets meat cheap when it's nearly off.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2012 10:34

Hers is going straight in the bin now, right? That would be my response to his bizarre little outburst.

ekidna · 08/07/2012 10:36

sounds like it could be him feeling bad and guilty about his mum and projecting those feelings onto you?
whatever the reason YANBU for putting up with behaviour like this from him.

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 10:36

I'll gladly have your bacon Chips, sounds bloody delicious :)

Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:36

Not usually quint can't think of examples, which is why I was quite shocked and kept saying are you serious? You're starting an argument over bacon?

OP posts:
Original poster
chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:38

Sounds possible ekidna

Thanks for making me laugh cog :)

I burnt most of it gibb because he started all this while it was in grill :(

OP posts:
Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 10:43

I think you need to step back and gain a bit of perspective.

I may be way off the mark here, but I get the feeling through the couple of posts you've put up that despite you saying you make an effort you are still very aware and wary of her condition. That's perfectly understandable, but I can also understand your dp's position of been defensive, especially if the vibes off you always carry an unspoken air of 'but she's schizophrenic!'. It's very demanding and emotionally draining been the child of a parent with any type of condition, never mind one that's associated with the person been frightening.

You said yourself that you were the one to raise your voice, there wasn't really any need for him to raise it, but there was no need for you to turn it into an argument. You may be hormonal, but if this is a subject that is difficult for your do, then I'm afraid he also needs to be cut some slack around his approach.

You said that the last time you saw her do was living there? Unless his move in with you was very recent, then you paying lip service might be a source of tension for him if he feels like he constantly has to engineer situations to avoid you two actually meeting if you don't feel safe or comfortable. He might not appear particularly close to her, but that could also be a sign that he finds the situation difficult and has a lot of guilt surrounding the whole relationship.

All of that armchair analysis might be complete guff of course, but it some of it might be applicable, and I'm inclined to give your dp the benefit of the doubt here unless there is a lot more to the story.

TheVermiciousKnid · 08/07/2012 10:43

Why doesn't he use up the frozen bacon?

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 10:45

Hope you gave him the burnt stuff Chips...

Seriously if this was a one off then it's not quite so worrying, he needs to realise he was BU though.

DontmindifIdo · 08/07/2012 10:45

Right, all of his breakfast goes in the bin (if he's already started it, go get his plate and put it in the bin, hand him his DM's frozen bacon and tell him to sort it out).

For future reference, put frozen meat in the fridge the night before and let it defrost slowly overnight. If you don't think it passes the sniff test or looks a bit ropy, bin it. She'll never know.

BillyBollyBandy · 08/07/2012 10:46

I agree with best