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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have used her bacon?

59 replies

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:19

I was making a lovely grilled full English this morning for me and DP. He came in and said I was ungrateful because I didn't use the bacon his mum got us cheap (from god knows where or who) which is in the freeze because there was a lot of it. (I'm worried about defrosting meat anyway).

I promptly burst into tears as I'm very hormonal at 16 weeks pregnant as he was going on about how ungrateful I am and I'm not nice to her (she is schizophrenic and her moods are very unpredictable, so one day she will be all over you, the next she will frighten you). I find her intimidating but I am very polite to her when we go to her house, make conversation, invited her to mine for dinner.

I feel like I've tried so hard and he's still not happy. He's not even close to her btw. Shes also become very excited about the baby, she said she's buying a cot and doing a nursery in her house, which has worried me because I wouldn't feel my baby was safe there alone.

So now we've spent the whole morning in separate rooms and I threw half mine away as I couldn't eat it through crying over fucking bacon.

OP posts:

Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 10:47

Damnit! All references to 'do' in my last post should have been 'dp'

Spuddybean · 08/07/2012 10:47

Oh dear OP. You have my sympathy. i have a similar situation. PILs are very strange (similar highly strung mum and an odd aloof/nasty dad).

One of the reasons I am banned from their house (thank god!) is that i wouldn't eat the battery eggs they buy.

Now I am pregnant they are buying loads of stuff for the baby, big stuff that we should be choosing - prams, cots etc (I have posted about this before) despite not even talking to me. DP and I have fallen out about it many times as he feels they are just being nice. I on the other hand DO NOT!

I also tried very hard to be nice to them but they just make it impossible for anyone. They buy us a load of old shit (really horrid cheap food too) and I am expected to have it in the house and use it. It is very difficult. But as other posters say it isn't about the bacon. To your DP it is about what it represents. And it is very hard for children of parents like that to not try to normalise their behaviour. He is probably worried about what will happen when the baby comes along. I know my DP is.

He wasn't being nice to you, but perhaps there is more to it and you should try talking about how you both feel about MIL and the baby.

Good luck :)

QuintessentialShadows · 08/07/2012 10:51

Next time you cook breakfast, cook HER bacon for him. Enjoy your Norfolk cut. When pregnant you need to take extra care.

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:53

bestb4 I agree with you, I few points to your reply:

I totally agree, it must've been very difficult to grow up around that. I know she was physically abusive to him. My mum is always saying that I need to understand he didn't have a 'normal' childhood etc.

We moved in together in January and he hadn't seen her since about June o think. He spoke to her a couple of times but didn't see her until he told her about the baby. So he went around there twice in June but I was working, he said to come next time and I did, which was last thurs. I was perfectly polite and nice to her despite how she treated me last time.

No I shouldn't have raised my voice and he asked why I was. I said because you've started something just as I'm serving a nice breakfast on a (meant to be chilled) Sunday morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 10:56

The weirdest thing is, the bacon wasn't for me, personally. It was for the cafe I work for

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/07/2012 10:57

That's not bacon....that's a 'ham-bush'.

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 11:01

OP may have unnecessarily raised her voice but her DP unnecessarily called her ungrateful while she was cooking him a full English breakfast.

Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 11:02

Aw, I am glad that you recognise it can be difficult for him. You do have leeway with the hormones, but perhaps his mum is a subject to try and avoid. Count to ten if you can remember before commenting?

If there's no more to it I would fully recommend salvaging your Sunday if you can, remind him that your hormones will be running the show for a while yet and now you're hungry and as you've already made one meal perhaps he should play Jamie Oliver?

hattifattner · 08/07/2012 11:02

chips. i would serve manky mum bacon to your dp at every meal now, until its all used up. Bacon for breakfast. Bacon for lunch. Bacon for tea. Bacon for supper.

Meanwhile, you have something lovely for yourself.

(My dh once complained about the way I ironed his shirts. 18 years on, he is still having to iron his own shirts. He never complained again)

Spuddybean · 08/07/2012 11:03

Also I would also say YABU to grill a full English. It really has to fried i'm afraid

Oogaballoo · 08/07/2012 11:04

OP my mother doesn't have scizophrenia or a mental illness, but she was very sick when I was growing up with various illnesses.

It sort of goes like this for some people, as it did for me: You realise she's not like other people. Then you feel self-conscious. Then you feel ashamed of yourself for feeling that way about your mother, who loves you and does their best. You start looking at everyone around you, anxious to see what they think. You become hyper-aware and yes, protective. And part of that is due to guilt over wanting them to be well and it's all mixed up in love and it's bloody hard to explain, but it could be that your partner is paranoid about you feeling a certain way about his mother because he recognises that he feels a bit like that himself sometimes. Or has done in the past. And there may be a big chunk of "I have to take care of her" all caught up in this as well.

I wrote the above before I saw your post about the physical abuse. That probably complicates things even more.

But anyway. It was a really silly thing for him to say. It could be that a big defensive response of "She's doing her best!" was triggered by the fact that you preferred to use the other bacon. I once cried at a dinner because of someone called my mother "silly" for being afraid to go on a boat because of her seizures

pumpkinsweetie · 08/07/2012 11:07

Yanbu, you made your dh a full english & he has said YOU are ungrateful? , firstly he is ungrateful to rant at you after you making him a slap up breakfast and secondly yadbu about not eating 'odd' bacon when pregnant when it could make you ill!!
It sounds as though he pussy-foots around his mother a lot, you have done enough by supporting him by being civil around her and having her to dinner.
On that note, i also would be deeply concerned at leaving my newborn with a shizcophrenic too-i hope he doesn't push you into letting her babysit when your baby is born

Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 11:07

Gibbous, I just don't think that berating the man for arguing back is fair or going to do anything but prolong a silly argument which is doing nothing but making chips and her do unhappy.

If there was a lot more to it, then fair enough re-evaluate the situation, but I don't see any point in prolonging the misery by winding her up by agreeing with loads of other posters she's 100% right.

sensuallettuce · 08/07/2012 11:12

Why would you not want to defrost meat?

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 11:13

spuddy good luck with your situation too. Sounds very difficult, I'm trying not to get wound up by things too much while being pregnant but it seems to be harder not to!

ooga thanks for your reply, sorry youve been through similar. I can really understand how he feels as I can see his embarrassment/shame but he really doesn't have to be. When I'm around her I'm very polite etc even if she comes out with something strange.

I think the problem is I comment on her after we leave, like about the cot/nursery as I was worried and he didn't say anything reassuring on it. I also said I felt like she was only being nice to me now because of the baby and to get on side so she can get to him/her after theyre born, but she doesn't have to, it's her grandchild and she will see them, but supervised.

OP posts:

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 11:15

sensual if you read the first page, you will find your answer.

I don't want to prolong anything, I'm just going to keep a myself today. We're meant to be going out with his friends tonight but I don't fancy it at all now. It'll be all fake

OP posts:

Pandoralight · 08/07/2012 11:19

YANBU. I would have been inclined to turn around and tell him: I'm cooking you a full english and you're going on off on one about what bacon I'm using? If you wish to use your mum's bacon - make your own breakfast you ungrateful sod!'

Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 11:20

I think chips that in my experience the most innocent comments can cut like a knife.

Not because they're not true or even because they're not sensible, but because, and I'm not been over dramatic I just can't think of a better way to put it, but every time I'm reminded that my dad in my case isn't normal, not only do I feel all the anguish of embarrassment mixed with defensiveness, but I actually mourn what I don't have. I genuinely grieve for not having a 'normal' situation.

I don't have my mum to balance things out, and from the sounds of it your dp doesn't have his dad around. It makes it harder to hear that you have to take these things into consideration.

Please don't stop raising your concerns as they are perfectly valid, just be aware that it's sensitive information to deliver and give him time to process it internally without nagging.

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 11:20

I think you have been very reasonable, as if my dh had said those things to me (esp at 16 weeks pregnant) he would have been wearing the breakfast.

slartybartfast · 08/07/2012 11:27

perhaps yu should broach the issue of your lo staying at his mum's, which is whatou are worried about.
nd she may be schizophrenic but surely she is on medication?

i think you need to build some bridges with her - try to be more accepting.
and mke up with your dp. not blaming you but as a poster wrote about - he is perhaps hyper aware of her diffiuclty

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 11:27

Best fair point, and I wasn't having a go at you btw, just thought it needed reiterating as it was him who started the whole incident.

And I agree, from what other posters have now said this is a complex issue and they need to find a non-confrontational way through this.

Gibbous · 08/07/2012 11:27

And by incident I mean Bacongate :o

Sallyingforth · 08/07/2012 11:33

This is nothing to do with the bacon is it? That was just a trigger to release some pent-up tension between you.
Somehow you need to let him understand how the pregnancy is affecting you, and find out how it (or something else) is influencing him.
Otherwise it's going to happen again with a different trigger.

Bestb411pm · 08/07/2012 11:35

You know you've made it on MN when a Sunday morning argument gets 'gated!

Original poster

chipsandmushypeas · 08/07/2012 11:35

When I said I felt like nothing I do is enough, I mean, I try hard and I'm nice and polite etc but I'm never going to be close to her. She probably wouldn't want that either and is very unapproachable? I feel like he wants me to be really pally with her, which wont ever happen due to her ways. I would love a mil who I could cook with, hang out with etc. My mother isn't maternal at all so it wouldve been nice.

Best I will bear that in mind and be more sensitive. I apologised when we got home for my comments and we made up. It feels like he's bringing it up again and again. He said at breakfast, he could tell that I wasn't keen on her etc. Am I not allowed to be not keen on her? As long as I'm polite when I see her? Surely he knows she's v difficult and can appreciate it's hard for us all to see her.

OP posts:

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