to not have used her bacon?

[chipsandmushypeas]

I was making a lovely grilled full English this morning for me and DP. He came in and said I was ungrateful because I didn't use the bacon his mum got us cheap (from god knows where or who) which is in the freeze because there was a lot of it. (I'm worried about defrosting meat anyway).

I promptly burst into tears as I'm very hormonal at 16 weeks pregnant as he was going on about how ungrateful I am and I'm not nice to her (she is schizophrenic and her moods are very unpredictable, so one day she will be all over you, the next she will frighten you). I find her intimidating but I am very polite to her when we go to her house, make conversation, invited her to mine for dinner.

I feel like I've tried so hard and he's still not happy. He's not even close to her btw. Shes also become very excited about the baby, she said she's buying a cot and doing a nursery in her house, which has worried me because I wouldn't feel my baby was safe there alone.

So now we've spent the whole morning in separate rooms and I threw half mine away as I couldn't eat it through crying over fucking bacon.

Of course you're allowed not to be keen on her, it just takes a while for everybody to find a balance that suits everyone and that adjustment takes time, especially with the new baby to take into consideration.

If you got the same vibes off him about your mother you'd feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It's natural to want a happy family, and to want to provide your children with grandparents who love them. For all he's been through, assuming this is his first child, this is very new territory of untangling what he would like in an ideal world, what can realistically happen, and coming to terms with that.

I'm not trying to bully you into tip toeing round him, I'm just trying to put across what might be his point of view. It might not even be right or he hasn't analysed himself closely enough to realise what he's doing, but either way I think you having some understanding of what may be going on in his head could save you a lot of stress and make putting your view across a lot more successful without all the arguing that naturally follows when people broach a touchy subject.

"it must've been very difficult to grow up around that. I know she was physically abusive to him. My mum is always saying that I need to understand he didn't have a 'normal' childhood etc."

OK, so hard facts here. If he grew up in this kind of environment, he will have been damaged by it. It might impair HIS ability to be a 'normal/adequate' parent himself.

You don't need to be told off by this man, for any reason. HE was ungrateful, and rude.

Don't cook him a breakfast for a good while to come. Let HIM sort himself out.

One point I ought to make at this stage is that his mother was, for reasons of schizophrenia, abusive to him. That's what he thinks a parent is. You getting PG may be triggering him to behave like that parent. This could be the start of a very dark period. Abuse often starts in pregnancy.

Fact is, you need to make sure everyone understands that YOU have a choice, to be treated with respect by everyone, or you can walk away.

Your mother's words bother me intensely, as if she is saying that you have to put up with his mother for the sake of your relationship. That YOU are not entitled to be upset, and that you have to lump it. Why does she think that? Is/Was her marriage abusive/dysfunctional? You don't have to put up with ANYTHING. Life doesn't have to be hard, relationships shouldn't be so strained.

Your P needs to understand that HE deals with his mother - not pussy footing around her. Her being schizophrenic isn't YOUR problem. He needs to try to insulate you against her behaviour, not berate you for her episodes.

He needs to tell her that she has to be respectful of you, or that she will be on her own. YOU get put into first place as you are NOT schizophrenic, and when you are aggrieved it is with GOOD reason. If she needs help, medical help, she has to get it, he can support her in that, but tiptoeing around her, feeding her behaviour is not acceptable long term.

FWIW, I'd have binned the relationship after the hoover smashing into the door. Who in their right mind wants THAT as a MIL? or now even worse as a Grandmother for your child.

Your P needs to FULLY understand that as a package, he is flawed, and accusing YOU of anything is a bloody cheek. He has no right to berate you, making you cry and ruining an otherwise happy Sunday is just ridiculous.

This is the time for you to be strong love, with everyone.

with his response I would have binned all her bacon (being hormonal and all) but I can be childish

ps thehappyhissy has it totally right there

Thanks for your replies. happy I agree with you in parts, especially about him insulating me from her, he does. He's the first to tell her off if she's rude, which is good because you hear of many men who won't go against their mothers.

Things still aren't very good, we went out wi friends last night and on the way he said sorry but just because he didn't want an awkward dinner.

I think you need to understand that you have a right to be respected, that you can set your boundaries and stick to them.

accept his apology in good faith, and make sure that the line in the sand is drawn.

Calmly point out to him if he kicks off at you in the future, that what you put in your mouth is your business, and he must have a very low opinion of you if he thinks that not using frozen bacon was to spite someone, when he knows how unsure you are of defrosting.

Thanks Happy, I will

On that note, i also would be deeply concerned at leaving my newborn with a shizcophrenic too

Why?

My friends brother is a schizophrenic and he returned some keys he borrowed to her by taping an envelope with them in to her communal street door with her name and door number on