Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to just not bother with this woman anymore?

73 replies

PollyGoHome · 07/07/2012 22:26

My DS is four, I've been single since I was pregnant, but DS's dad has been around(ish). His mum has always made an effort to be involved, and while I don't really like the woman I'm glad DS has a relationship with her and have fully encouraged it.

I've welcomed this woman into my house and family from day one, met up for lunch with her so she can see DS sometimes as his dad doesn't see him that much, kept her updated with texts and pictures etc.

She just rang me to see if she can pop in tomorrow. Me and DS are both quite poorly at the moment so I don't fancy visitors (other than my DM armed with soup and magazines). I told her no, that me and DS are poorly and going to have a lazy recovery day so not up for visitors. She said that's fine, see you soon, bye bye..then thinking she put the phone down, I heard her say to whoever she was with 'as if it makes a change, lazy bitch!'

I'm hurt and angry and want to send her a whole number of abusive text messages. So lazy I'm raising her grandson single handedly! I work two part time jobs, put everything I have into my DS and it bloody shows, he's a great kid even if I do say so myself. My house isn't always pristine like hers is but I have a four year old not grown up children.

I've always suspected she judges me slightly, now its clear she does. WIBU to let her know from now on she can see DS on her sons time? Which will obviously mean she sees him a lot less. I don't want to be around someone who judges me and disrespects me like that?

OP posts:

rufus5 · 07/07/2012 22:33

Hey Polly, that's a rotten thing for her to say and totally out of order when you're doing such a good job with her GS. I can understand why you are mad and want to cut her off, but try to think it though before you are too hasty.

What impact would it have on your DS if suddenly he can't see her as often? Do you sometimes need her to help out, and would you therefore lose out if you cut her off?

I know I have said stuff about people behind their backs that I didn't really mean, and would never have said to their faces, except I was pissed off about something and just having a bit of a rant. Perhaps it's the same for her?

I'm not condoning what she said, just don't want you to jump off the deep end and later regret it.

AgentZigzag · 07/07/2012 22:34

I'm not sure whether you should say something or not.

It would be tempting to tell her what you heard so she knows she's the reason why she's not seeing your DS any more and can't palm off the responsibility onto you for it - plus it'd probably feel good to give her a gobfull tell her how you feel.

But then...why should you expend any more energy on letting her get you worked up? If you didn't give a fuck what she thought of you you'd just brush her comment off as the meaningless drivel it was.

You know you're not lazy, and if that's the worst she can come up with then you can't be that bad!

I just wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction that I gave her opinion of me any value, which is what you'd be saying if you text her about it.

Who do you think she was talking to?

MixedClassBaby · 07/07/2012 22:34

Probably the dignified approach would be to ignore. Personally, I'd have to say something and I'd be direct rather that give coded messages. Get it out into the open, let her respond/apologise and move on.

BonnieBumble · 07/07/2012 22:37

I can understand why you want to do that but it won't make you feel any better.

When you see her next, tell her that she hadn't replaced the receiver and that you are really hurt and saddened by her comment.

LentillyFart · 07/07/2012 22:38

I know the bigger thing would be to rise above it but I couldn't I'm afraid and so YWNBU to let her have some, both barrels.

AlmostAHipster · 07/07/2012 22:38

I wouldn't be making an effort with anyone who called me a lazy bitch. I'd let them know why too. How bloody rude!

AgentZigzag · 07/07/2012 22:39

I agree with Bonnie, if you do decide to talk to her about it the hurt and disappointed angle would be better than raging anger.

It's easier to keep your cool and come away feeling OK and in control with the situation.

CrikeyOHare · 07/07/2012 22:42

The mature thing to do would be to ignore it - but, honestly, I don't think I could.

Sit on your hands for tonight - an angry text will just make you look bad, no matter how justified.

Does she have email? If so, I would be inclined to send a calm, measured one saying something like..."Are you aware that I heard you call me a lazy bitch yesterday? As you can imagine, this has upset me because....etc etc".

She'll then have to apologize and explain her shitty remark. Keep the upper hand here, OP.

ekidna · 07/07/2012 22:43

YANBU I think your suggestion is quite reasonable

and you are very clearly not a lazy bitch

Sarcalogos · 07/07/2012 22:43

Also agree with Bonnie.

Mainly because I think this route is most likely to result in a change of attitude from her. Which ultimately is what would be best for your DS (and you!)

Serendipity30 · 07/07/2012 22:48

I suggest send her a text saying Hi soso, just thought you should know the last time we talked you diid not hang up the phone and i heard you say something unpleasant about me. I was hurt because i thought we had a good relationship for the sake of DS and i am sad to hear you fell that way about me.So from now on as far as im concerned you can do one ok dont add that last bit .

You sond like a good mum OP that has tried to do the best for your son by putting his needs before your own. I think you should let her know in a even way.

ValentineBombshell · 07/07/2012 22:50

Bonnie's advice is good and what an unkind remark. She has a good relationship with her gc due to you.

rhoobabble · 07/07/2012 22:52

Hello there, I too was called a lazy bitch by my partners mum. In this case i had offered to do stuff, she wouldnt let me lol. probably a lot of her traits are what annoyed you about your ex. I was really angry, but just pretended i hadnt heard it. I am now aware that she;s the bitch not me. I am always polite but will now stand up for myself. dont change the access, that'll hurt your ds. Letting her know you heard would be great though. I bet she's horrified.

LimeLeafLizard · 07/07/2012 22:52

Another vote for what Bonnie said!

Original poster

PollyGoHome · 07/07/2012 22:54

Will not send her a parade of sweary texts I guess :( and think I'll deal with this tomorrow whatever I do.

She doesn't watch DS on her own, I've just always encouraged visits since her son doesn't see him very much.

I'm also now worried I'm being badmouthed infront of my son. I suspect she was talking to DS's father but I really can't say for certain.

Grrrr!

OP posts:

Serendipity30 · 07/07/2012 22:54

Sorry Bonnie just saw you post , i fully back what you suggested.

LilQueenie · 07/07/2012 23:02

I would wait until next time and keep any texts or calls short and to the point until then. Once you meet let your DS go off somewhere out of earshot and let her know her relationship with him is because you have been open to it and out of your way to acheive it and that you heard what she said. Let her know that you thought you knew her but obviously you were wrong. You wont trust her alone with your DS because you dont know her and cant be sure she will badmouth then limit the visits but always within your presence. You may need to let your ex know this. Ask her who she was speaking to. At least thats how I would handle it/be feeling.

kickingKcurlyC · 08/07/2012 08:45

You must feel betrayed. :(

I hope you won't dwell on this comment. It was an awful thing to hear her say.

You ought to be proud of working so hard and having a son who is a credit to that. Have a nice and focus on that instead!

Megatron · 08/07/2012 09:28

Well I wouldn't ignore it. Why the hell should you? You sound like you are doing a fantastic job raising your son and trying to keep a relationship with his grandmother for his sake.

I would invite her round and tell her, face to face, how disappointed you are to hear what she thinks of you. That you work two jobs to care for your son and try very hard to give him a good life. I would do all this in a non confrontational way then I would keep quiet, look at her and wait for her to respond.

She has no right to speak of you like that and you have every right to pull her up on it.

Gentleness · 08/07/2012 09:35

I think I'd have to ask her if she was talking about me. If she denies it, then at least you've marked her card. You'll not easily forget it and she needs to know you won't stand for it.

ElsieMc · 08/07/2012 09:38

Absolutely agree with Megatron. At least you know now. You sound like a lovely mum and it was very childish of her to make these cruel comments particularly given how accommodating you have been in the best interests of your child.

Pull her up on it in person. You are bringing up her son's child in difficult circumstances and she should damn well show you some respect.

Happyasapiginshite · 08/07/2012 09:53

Another here who agrees with Megatron. I think you should say nothing until you see her in person and then tell her what you heard and that it was hurtful. Then leave it to her to make her explanations. Horrible.

kickingKcurlyC · 08/07/2012 10:07

Actually, I don't think you should ignore it either. I should have made that clearer.

I'd probably send an email though, I'd be too scared to do it in person.

pigletmania · 08/07/2012 10:47

I wouldn't stoop down to her level, but next time you see her during a conversation I would drop it in there tactfully, eg saying I feel like a lazy bitch today or I'm having a lazy bitch day today, do you think I'm a lazy bitch?

GailTheGoldfish · 08/07/2012 11:01

Wasn't there a thread on here recently where the OP heard her MIL criticising her after she thought she'd hung up the phone? Can anyone remember? I think that the OP's DP or DH was at MIL's house and it was him that MIL was complaining to. The OP did make it clear that she heard what was said and I think you should too, don't be rude, just tell her what you heard and you are disappointed that she feels that way as you thought you had a good relationship. Then let the cow grovel

Flip

1 2 3