to have not gone to my mums wedding or to talk that much to her husband!??

[charllie]

I feel kinda silly for holding a grudge for so long! Its been maybe 9 years now :/
When my mum first met her husband, he was alright, got on okay with him. Then one night, we went out with family for a meal and drink (someones bday) and we were stood on the dance floor of the club (had been to comedy club that turns into night club) anyway......i had been deleting photos from my camera and he started putting his hand in front of the screen, taking it away and putting it back, lots. Was very annoying, so i ignored him. He then pinched my nipple!!! I was shocked! Walked away crying. My mum stood there and had seen the whole thing! The next day she phoned me and said he had been joking, fucking joking!! I didn't find it funny. Not even my best friend (male) would do that to get my attention. They got married a year or so after that, i didn't go. Made an excuse that i couldn't get time off work (they went up to gretna green) I talk to him now, but only because she's married to him. The other month, she asked why my DD doesn't call him Grampy! (my sisters little boy, who has grown up knowing him as that does) my DD is 6 and has never called him that. My mum was upset by this! I felt in the wrong. When i said that well he's not her grampy, she bought up the fact that my DD calls my OH dad, even though he's not. I think thats kinda different, he's an amazing dad to her, lives with her, does dad things with her.

You are all far more fogiving than I am never mind a grudge I would have pressed charges for the sexual assualt and if my DM had stood by him then good riddence. I would never let my children near a sexual abuser.

If a random drunk had grabbed my breast in a nightclub- I wouldn't be welcoming him to the family. If however my mum's boyfriend had done that, in front of my mother, and she went on to marry him- HELL YES I'd be carrying that on.

There doesn't have to be Other problems- that's enough of one on its own.

What Mardy said. YANBU!

kotinka

I didn't say that you used the phrase silly. I said that when reading your posts I just felt you were almost saying the OP is silly for feeling the way she does, I think she is quite entitled to.

I meant that this is the impression I get when reading your posts, it is difficult to read tone isn't it? Apologies if I wasn't clear enough in my post.

It wasn't a 'minor incident' to the OP though however long ago it was. It fundamentally changed the relationship with both of these people.

I do kind of understand what you are saying though, I just disagree. I know people who wouldn't think twice about an incident like this and I know others who it would be a big deal for.

I agree that the OP is utterly entitled to feel as she does, she was treated wholly inappropriately and then utterly failed over and over by her own mother.

If any partner of mine did anything remotely like that to my child they would be history, and everyone would know what they did and why they are dumped.

Charllie, I'd not forgive that behaviour from either of them. I think you'd benefit from talking to someone in RL about it. I'm guessing that the difficult relationship with your mother was not as blithe as you are making it out to be, and that there are other areas of your life with her that could do with a bit of sorting out/professional processing.

Mardy is right though, the event you describe IS enough of an issue for you to have taken the path you have done.

Have you thought of lurking/posting on the Stately Homes thread?

It wasn't "assault", it was assault. The guy is a creep. You are being perfectly civil to him, but your mother and Mr Creepo are challenging your right to draw (IMHO perfectly reasonable) boundaries. You are entitled to draw boundaries, and these seem like sensible ones, particularly as no admission has ever been made that he acted inappropriately.

If someone did this to my daughter, I'd dump him so fast his head would spin. You state that if someone treated your daughter this way, you would too. If you give in and adjust your boundaries, you'll find you will have to do it again and again. People like this like to push. Keep him at arm's length- why would you want your DD to have a rubbish grampy like this anyway?

He sexually assaulted you. If any man did that to my dauhter I would leave them. Would people still be saying this if he grabbed your crotch. Same thing in my opinion. Your mum is being unreasonable not you. Made me feel sick just picturing it. Btw whether alcohol was involved or not makes no difference. Being drunk does not allow that behaviour. Quite shocked at anyone who would say UABU!

YANBU. Pinching your nipple was sexual assault and your mother's response was frankly appalling. He was also clearly not sorry or regretful in any way, given he failed to make any effort to apologise.

I'd stay away form him too.

OMG, this is shocking to hear what your FiL didto you. im very sorry as you shouldn't have had to go through this. It is sexual assault and no amount of drink excuses his behaviour. i think it was very deliberate indeed, a grown man who bullied you like this knew what he was doing and wanted to dominate and make fun of you.

Please ensure and continue appropriate boundaries especially for your children.
Do not ever think it is ok that both your mothrr and her husband did not atone and apologise.

Hell yeah, this is utterly unforgiveable even after 20 years. For sure, you can all move on and b civil. they need to earn your trust and respect and if it was me, id be wasting as little of my time on him as possible. Sorry dreadful grammer as writing via phone....