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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have not gone to my mums wedding or to talk that much to her husband!??

85 replies

charllie · 07/07/2012 21:14

I feel kinda silly for holding a grudge for so long! Its been maybe 9 years now :/
When my mum first met her husband, he was alright, got on okay with him. Then one night, we went out with family for a meal and drink (someones bday) and we were stood on the dance floor of the club (had been to comedy club that turns into night club) anyway......i had been deleting photos from my camera and he started putting his hand in front of the screen, taking it away and putting it back, lots. Was very annoying, so i ignored him. He then pinched my nipple!!! I was shocked! Walked away crying. My mum stood there and had seen the whole thing! The next day she phoned me and said he had been joking, fucking joking!! I didn't find it funny. Not even my best friend (male) would do that to get my attention. They got married a year or so after that, i didn't go. Made an excuse that i couldn't get time off work (they went up to gretna green) I talk to him now, but only because she's married to him. The other month, she asked why my DD doesn't call him Grampy! (my sisters little boy, who has grown up knowing him as that does) my DD is 6 and has never called him that. My mum was upset by this! I felt in the wrong. When i said that well he's not her grampy, she bought up the fact that my DD calls my OH dad, even though he's not. I think thats kinda different, he's an amazing dad to her, lives with her, does dad things with her.

OP posts:
kotinka · 08/07/2012 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:43

I didn't say he was a paedophile
I said he has acted inappropriately to WOMEN and has a lack of boundaries, which are harmful for a developing girl to WITNESS expecially if trusted adults are acting like it is okay!

and what if he did the same to the DD once she was legally an ADULT?

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2012 00:44

'Even if he was totally drunk and just did it with out thinking as an unintentional mistake, he should have groveled and aplogised deeply and never acted that way again.'

And that's the crux of it, any decent person on finding out they'd done such a thing to a relative of someone they loved when they were trollied, would be mortified/ashamed/apologetic.

But he chose to brushed it off as a 'joke', yeah...ha ha Hmm what a fucking comedian.

kotinka · 08/07/2012 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FarloRigel · 08/07/2012 00:46

Shock YADNBU! Agree this was sexual assault and I am horrified your DM took that attitude. Sad for you and that anyone thinks that a woman should ever put up with that kind of crap. No amount of alcohol would make a decent man assault a woman like that. This was no 'mistake' (wtf??), the man is an asshole.

kotinka · 08/07/2012 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:49

"What suggests he's going to repeat the behaviour? All the information we have is that one incident happened a long long time ago"

what suggests that he COULD repeat the behaviour is that both he and his wife both condoned the behaviour afterwards as a joke and did not see the problem with that type of behaviour

all we know is he hasn't done this again to the OP... because.. she hasn't let him by not spending time with him, he hasn't had the oportunity to do it again! - that's no proof of 9 years of good respectful behaviour towards women!

Original poster
charllie · 08/07/2012 00:49

my mum........she wont see bad in him. He is an arse! He doesn't help around the house, doesn't ever cook, clean etc but still she never moans, even though i can see that she is really fed up with the cooking etc and no help. I think this has helped my grudge stay! Seeing the way he is at home etc. The saying 'love is blind' i think that is what this is, it has to be. I have a DD, i can't even begin to imagine not sticking up for her if this happened to her. So can't understand why she didn't do anything at the time. I guess it hurt that she didn't, but then our relationship has been quite hard through my adult life and late teens anyway. It's started getting better recently, and thats with me still keeping my distance from her husband. So i'm not going to be all smiley and 'nice' to him, i will carry on the way i am. I'm two faced, because i dont' see that my DD has to be shown how i feel about this man, why should other people need to suffer because of what he done. So i smile, i make polite chit chat and thats all he gets from me. I don't see him as a father figure or grandfather figure.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:51

"But she didn't and now they have to live with the situation"

she doesn't have to spend any time with him ever again if she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to get her DD to call him grampy, ever

kotinka · 08/07/2012 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 00:54

there does seem to be more, but there doesn't NEED to be more for the OP to not be any closer to him or have her DD call him grampy, the fact he assaulted her and then made out she was humourless about it.. was enough in itself!

Viviennemary · 08/07/2012 00:55

Seems as if this man has absolutely no idea of what is correct and appropriate behaviour. I would totally have nothing to do with him ever again. That really is assualt.

Original poster
charllie · 08/07/2012 01:00

That was the start of it, but seeing him treat my mum like a skivvy pisses me off! I think he is pathetic, laughably so.
I will never forgive him for what he done, it opened my eyes to what he is really like and they have stayed open where that is concerned.
I don't see it as others on here do, i've never thought of it as 'sexual assualt' maybe i should have done, but i didn't. All i saw it as was inappropriate behavious, unforgivable and down right out of order. He knows exactly what he done wrong and he knows i don't agree with or like what he done. I didn't talk to him for ages after, would just say hi and thats it. I made him suffer i guess, for his 'joke' and he did seem i guess, embarrassed, but an apology would have been nice.
So yes, kotinka there is alot more on my mind lol.

OP posts:
kotinka · 08/07/2012 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dawndonna · 08/07/2012 01:01

He assaulted you, your mother supported him and not her own daughter. Would you do that to your dd? Unlikely, I suspect.
I wouldn't be speaking to him 'a bit more' now, I'd be ignoring completely.
For good.

Original poster
charllie · 08/07/2012 01:01

my DD will never ever know of him as a grampy, and either will any future children! I will never see him as anything more than my DM's husband.

OP posts:
Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 01:02

Your DD doesn't need a "grampy" like that, it would add nothing to her life if she considered him her "grampy"

Cheriefroufrou · 08/07/2012 01:03

she's not missing out

your mother and her husband are, but it was their choice! if they both respected you more they might have got more back out of you and your DD being in their lives more

Original poster
charllie · 08/07/2012 01:05

As i said before I have a DD, i can't even begin to imagine not sticking up for her if this happened to her
I talk to him as he is married to my mum, he is at family get togethers, i'm not making everyone else feel awkward because i dont' like him and yes, i know i have good reason not to, but its just not me! I can't make people feel uncomfortable because of this.

OP posts:
TheEnthusiasticTroll · 08/07/2012 01:07

YANBU, i would not want my LO around him let alone call him grampy.

i would not be with anyone who would treek another persons nipple for attention let alone my own adult childs nipple, assuming you where an adult OP.

AgentZigzag · 08/07/2012 01:55

So if you talk to him and don't make a fuss when you're around him, this really is them forcing the issue.

Like they think you should go further to 'prove' it wasn't as bad as you said.

I mean your mum was actually arguing with you to treat him as though you're close to him, even though it must be plainly obvious you don't feel like that.

Nine years might seem like a long time, but you can't put a time scale on how long people can feel crap about something.

IceCubes · 08/07/2012 08:36

YA Sooooo NBU! I wouldn't want my child around a weirdo like that! Who would find that funny at all?!?!

Megatron · 08/07/2012 09:07

The "assault" issue should have been dealt with at the time.

Kontinka obviously people seem to have varying definitions of assault. It seems clear you do not view pinching/tweaking/grabbing of an adults breast as sexual assault or you would not be using inverted commas. I think this kind of unwanted/uninvited action is. Also, people sometimes feel unable to deal with a situation at the time, that does not mean it should be ignored or forgotten.

As to not worth ruining relationship with mum, I most definitely beg to differ there too. If anyone did this to my daughter they would be wearing their balls as a necklace because she is my daughter and I would go all out to protect her (child or adult, makes no difference). The fact the OP's mum chose to ignore it and see it as a joke, then go on the marry the man, must be incredibly hurtful to the OP. Her mum should have stuck up for her.

I'm genuinely not trying to be inflammatory here, and I hope I don't come across as such, but when reading your posts I just felt you were almost saying the OP is silly for feeling the way she does, I think she is quite entitled to.

Megatron · 08/07/2012 09:08

*kotinka (apologies)

MardyArsedMidlander · 08/07/2012 09:11

Believe me, if someone had grabbed my breast I'd be 'holding onto' that 'grudge' for a long long time. If he had done that to a stranger in the street, he'd be looking at a sexual assault charge. So it doesn't need to be about anything else- the guy's a freak and I can understand how you feel disappointed in your mother as well.