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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about my partner going to work

92 replies

Cathycomehome · 07/07/2012 20:56

a week after my c section? I might be as I am scared and tired and possibly irrational. Having ELCS on Thursday. Never had a section before, but gather its very painful afterwards. My partner will be on patenity leave officially, but told me today that he's planning to go into work on the following Friday as it is the last day of term and his year six class' last day, and his head teacher "thinks it would be nice" if he was there to do their leavers' assembly.

I want to tell him no bloody chance, but WIBU?

OP posts:
VegansTasteBetter · 08/07/2012 02:05

Yanbu. He could maybe pop his head in for 5 mins to show baby pics abd day good byte though?

FiftyShadesofViper · 08/07/2012 02:11

It is nice that a teacher is there for leavers if it can be worked around.

Do you have a friend who could help? I went to visit and help my old schoolfriend (she lives about 50 miles away) for a day shortly after her CS as her DH had to go into work for an important meeting.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 04:57

His work is more than an hour's drive away, and the kids are doing a few different leaving things, so it willbe all day, but I have accepted my unreasonable-ness now I've heard from so many who have experience of c section!

Was surprised at the idea that he wouldn't take any paternity leave from a couple of people though. We are very lucky that we'll both be able to be there during Summer holidays, but surely physically speaking I'll need him most in those first few days, as well as it being an important time for him too. I'm a teacher too, and the timing of the baby is about a fortnight out for optimal work convenience, I guess, but that's one of those things!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 05:14

Well, six days off work for him actually.

(Shit. This csection is pretty soon. Pathetically scared emoticon)

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 08/07/2012 07:57

Presumably you have known he will be going to school on that day for some time and have had lots of time to make alternative arrangements. Once he has done one day, he will be off school for six weeks. There was no such thing as "paternity" leave when our dc were born. It's one day and you will cope.

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 08:30

I didn't know. Like I said, he told me yesterday.

There was no paternity leave when my older son was born, (I dont think) but I think it's a good thing there is now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 08:33

And what I was objecting to, before I realised it was unreasonable, was him going in so soon after the section, as I had been told by my mother in law and the wrong parts of google that it would be still very painful a week in....

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 08/07/2012 08:36

Make sure your 12 year old knows how to make tea and snacks for you.

BeatriceBean · 08/07/2012 08:59

I was in pain when the pain killers were due but it's important to keep on top of that by taking them regularly (I hadn't realised that in hospital and was trying to take as little as I could. Wrong thing to do. Managing pain gets you mobile etc.)

I would plan for it. Get your husband to set you up on sofa (or bed if you wish). Drinks and snacks in handsreach. Telly remote or magazine or whatever.

Arrange for anything you need for older child's school night before etc.

I still found it painful to move around at a week but a lot of mumsnetters are fine then. Really it's just one day before such a long break if you can plan for it and feel in control you will honestly be fine.

Do you know anyone who could join you for lunch perhaps?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/07/2012 09:07

Another Y6 parent here; it really is a big deal for them. You'll be fine.

I was up and about and wheeling my behemoth pram a week after my cs, but I was a bit strange postpartum and quite nuts (in a nice way).

So yes, plan for it. And you 12 yo will help.

FutTheShuckUp · 08/07/2012 09:26

You sound a bit silly really. Why wouldn't you 'cope' without him? He's entitled to paternity leave but he also has professional responsibilities and he absolutely SHOULD attend the leavers assembly

VolAuVent · 08/07/2012 09:44

YANBU. A c-section is major surgery. I wouldn't have wanted to be without help at that stage after I had mine.

Paternity leave exists for a reason and yes the timing is "one of those things" that the school should just deal with, rather than putting any expectation on your partner that it "would be nice" for him to come into school!

If you partner really wants to go into school then he should arrange for someone else to be with you that day.

FlangelinaBallerina · 08/07/2012 10:07

Yanbu. Of course you want DH to be with you and your baby just a few days after the birth. That should matter infinitely more to him than saying goodbye to the children he teaches, who he presumably will/has been able to bid farewell to anyway. It isn't just about the practicalities, it's about you feeling looked after as well. What other people think of the concept of paternity leave and how others managed when it didn't exist are supremely irrelevant. So is the fact that school will break up soon: he'll have to work over that period too.

holyfishnets · 08/07/2012 10:16

You and the baby needs have to come first. He could just pop to the leavers assembly surely? See everyone off but spend the day supporting you. Alliteratively are you happy to have a close friend or relative help out?

holyfishnets · 08/07/2012 10:17

I'm super fit but couldn't push the buggy or go up stairs very week one week after! I could lift the baby though.

TheProvincialLady · 08/07/2012 10:29

If your DH goes to work that day - which I agree would be good for the children (and for him) - can you get him to negotiate a floating day off in lieu in the next academic year? That would be worth a lot more to you in support terms. For example if you D&V he could stay at home and look after your baby without worrying about the loss of earnings or causing upset at work.

He is entitled to his paternity leave so don't fall for any whinge about how he is having 6 weeks off etc. His holiday entitlement has nothing to do with his paternity leave entitlement and he's not likely to be having endless weeks of PL (unless you are planning a massive family...probably not at this stage I would guess!).

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 10:47

Thanks for replies. He will go to school that Friday, short of anything really unexpected happening.

I know it's rubbish when people ask AIBU and then get cross when told, yes, YABU. but I didn't. I asked if it was unreasonable to be worried about him going that day, people said yes, and gave helpful advice based on their experience of c section, which I don't have yet, and so I accepted that IABU.

I do not think I am being unreasonable to expect him to take the rest of the paternity leave. If I read an AIBU that said something like "I am having a csection on Thursday and my partner intends to go back to work the next day and for the week immediately following, despite the fact that he is entitled to paternity leave, is he being unreasonable", I would say yes, I think he most certainly IS being unreasonable. But that wasn't what I asked.

I hope that doesn't sound stroppy, it wasn't meant to.

OP posts:
nannyof3 · 08/07/2012 11:03

Its only 1 day , he should be there for his year 6 kids !!!!!!!

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 11:07

You know the bit where I said he was going on Friday because I accepted IWBU?....

OP posts:
FlangelinaBallerina · 08/07/2012 11:39

You weren't BU, you know. While some of the posters who disagreed with you provided helpful reassurance, others just berated you. i hope you haven't been influenced by some of the more stupid responses to your OP. Good luck.

IsLovingAndGiving · 08/07/2012 11:50

This would really annoy me, but being a teacher I can understand it's important your dh goes in to school to do this. Ask him to make it clear he will be rushing home as soon as the kids have gone, or earlier. Also make a special arrangement for a friend or family member to come and be with you while he's out.

HeadfirstForRomance · 08/07/2012 11:50

YANBU to be nervous about it but you would BU to stop him.

It's just a few hours and then you will have him for weeks, you are very lucky :)

You will be feeling a little sore a week after, but unless there are complications with the healing you will moving around fairly normally by then, just save any heavy lifting or housework for your dh when he gets home.

GnomeDePlume · 08/07/2012 12:04

In this situation Google and MiL dont help!

Yes, you will be sore but it is manageable. The birth of my middle child (nice calm ELCS) was a really great experience. Make sure you take your camera. We have some amazing pictures of DS' first moments in the world.

After you get home from hospital do make sure that you get as much rest as possible straight away. If you have your baby on Thursday I guess you will be out of hospital on Sunday. Sunday/Monday will be when you need the most support. If it is anything like the hospital I was in it was busy and noisy at night (all the CS new mums together) which meant that it was difficult to sleep.

So make sure that your DH knows that when you get home from hospital you need to rest. Make sure that for those first couple of days home that you have everything you need already in. Make Sunday/Monday/Tuesday perfect holidays for you (total rest). By the time you get to Friday you will be feeling fit enough to face the world.

Good luck and enjoy the birth, ELCS is really the way to go!

Original poster
Cathycomehome · 08/07/2012 12:27

Thank you for advice - this thread has been very helpful and reassuring for the most part.

Wish Thursday would hurry up and come now; the waiting is quite nerve wracking....

OP posts:
welliesandpyjamas · 08/07/2012 12:54

VolAuVent - "paternity leave is there for a reason" ...well, sort of, but not everyone is allowed it so it isn't there wholly for helping the mother out.

OP - all the best for Thursday, relax lots, and enjoy every minute of baby :)