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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is dh? Sleeping with newborn

58 replies

cathyearnshaw · 07/07/2012 19:47

Have a 2 week old dc. Dh has slept in the spare room every night since she was born as I have pregnancy snoring (and has done so for several months).
I'm a bit cross as I think while he's been on paternity leave he could have slept in with us and got up to change her, wind her etc or just shown a bit of solidarity.
I totally accept he shouldn't share a room once he starts back at work.
He says I'm being ott and it's no big deal doing night feeds etc and I don't need him to be there. Which I don't but that's not the point...of I say anything I'm being childish.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 19:48

I think he's being completely unreasonable, what does he think paternity leave is for?

EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 19:49

Congratulations on your baby by the way :)

Hopeforever · 07/07/2012 19:50

Agree with ES

smoggii · 07/07/2012 19:50

Is he helping during the day so you can catch up on some sleep? If so YABU because it's best if he gets some sleep at night so you can take a break in the day

RandomMess · 07/07/2012 19:50

Well I think why would you both want to be awake during the night.

As long as he was running around during the day helping and bonding with the baby I wouldn't mind.

EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 19:50

You might not need him, but with his help you could probably get more sleep and be bette prepared for when he goes back to work. Also he is missing out on an aspect of having a newborn baby.

altinkum · 07/07/2012 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Memoo · 07/07/2012 19:52

Unreasonable? He is totally taking the piss!

soontobemumofthree · 07/07/2012 19:53

It would be nice, like you say, to have a bit of (temporary) solidarity but personally preferred my DH had a good sleep and then was far more helpful in the day - gave me a chance to have a nap for one Also I could (guilt free) ask him to do all kinds of things to help.

NellyBluth · 07/07/2012 19:53

Depends if you are bf or ff. If bf, I don't think its always in everyone's best interests to both be awake as, as others have said, he could give you time to nap during the day. If you are ff, however, then I'd say he is BU and you should take turns sleeping in with baby so you both get some decent sleep.

Flisspaps · 07/07/2012 19:54

Hmm.

See, if you're BF then I don't see why you both need to be awake in the night. If he's sleeping he should be doing everything round the house (and his share of daytime nappies too). I BF DS and DH, whilst in our room, has never got up with me in 'solidarity' whilst I do night feeds.

If you FF then I don't see why he can opt out - there's then nothing you can do that he can't. DD was FF and DH and I did alternate nights - even when DH was working.

Mimmee · 07/07/2012 19:54

hmm, I dunno, I think in those first few weeks you should be together. I know that when DD was newborn DP always got up with me in the first couple of weeks and made me a drink, chatted whatever, and then took DD as soon as she had finished feeding. It's a bit miserable doing it all on your own I think.

Yes, when he goes back to work fair enough, but I'm with you OP I wouldn't have liked that at all.

Kayano · 07/07/2012 19:55

are you co-sleeping?

LadyWidmerpool · 07/07/2012 19:56

Agree with Mimmee. BFing alone can be lonely in the first days.

WheresMrMonkey · 07/07/2012 19:56

I know with my DD just having the support of someone there in those very early, frankly quite scary, weeks was much needed. I dont think you are being at all unreasonable

Scheherezade · 07/07/2012 19:57

Even if bf DH could be doing night changes.

EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 19:57

Whether you are bf or ff doesn't make a difference IMO. It's nice to work together. Child birth can be traumatic as you need as much rest as possible so help with burping, changing, getting baby to sleep are all useful. Unless your baby is really easy and you feel really recovered.

jubilee10 · 07/07/2012 19:57

I think YABU. What is the point of both of you being awake at night. Does dc sleep between feeds? Is there a time when dc is awake and just needs someone to soothe him? I think he should be supporting you by doing everything else that needs doing so that you can rest between feeds. If he does that then he should get a whole nights sleep where possible.

EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 19:58

Is it your first baby? Might make a difference.

attheendoftheday · 07/07/2012 20:00

I think he's taking the piss. Is he not a parent during night time hours then?

And I would still expect some help when he's back at work (not half maybe, but some). Better to have two parents a bit tired than one loosing their mind with lack of sleep.

He does not get to decide you can cope ok unless he has squeezed a person out of his nether regions, and while recovering from this been deprived of sleep for a fortnight.

bbface · 07/07/2012 20:03

I am baffled by people wanting their partners to share the misery of not sleeping.

Surely it makes sense for dh to sleep during the night, when most men are a bit of a lemon anyway if you are breastfeeding, so they can help out during the day.

I guess if you are bottle feeding, it might be different, but still means that he can take over in the morning and let you sleep.

Gentleness · 07/07/2012 20:04

If it is your first baby then YANBU - ok, he doesn't technically "need" to be there, but unless breastfeeding has gone spectacularly easily and baby has settled back to sleep straight away each time and there aren't about 4 night-time nappy changes (and really - is that normal in first 2 weeks?) then having someone else there at least a few nights to help you stay calm and stop you feeling isolated is really useful. Even if it is your second baby it is useful! But it isn't all so much of a shock then.

He needs to face up to the realities of being a dad!

Original poster
cathyearnshaw · 07/07/2012 20:04

Yeah so responses are about half and half. Am bfing, it's second dc, not cosleeping so far this time round. I can't make up my mind whether he should have been in or not, which is why I asked! I totally think once he's back at work he should def be getting his sleep. But I suppose I suddenly realised he's going back to work Monday, at a stag do tonight so that's it now!

OP posts:
blackteaplease · 07/07/2012 20:06

He is being unreasonable, he isn't at work so he should be supporting you at night. You can both nap during the day when the baby sleeps. Also, how does he know it's no big deal doing night feeds if he is in a different room?

When DH went back to work I sent him to the spare room as he has an hours drive each way to work and I felt he needed sleep. But we compromised by me going to bed early and him dealing with dd up to midnight (except breastfeeding) and me then doing night wakings after that. But if I really needed dh he would get up to help.

bbface · 07/07/2012 20:06

Plus, if one of you up, everything tends to be much more hushed. Baby gets used to nighttime to a lot quicker, than when there is talking, and tea making and lights on etc.