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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...or is dh? Sleeping with newborn

58 replies

cathyearnshaw · 07/07/2012 19:47

Have a 2 week old dc. Dh has slept in the spare room every night since she was born as I have pregnancy snoring (and has done so for several months).
I'm a bit cross as I think while he's been on paternity leave he could have slept in with us and got up to change her, wind her etc or just shown a bit of solidarity.
I totally accept he shouldn't share a room once he starts back at work.
He says I'm being ott and it's no big deal doing night feeds etc and I don't need him to be there. Which I don't but that's not the point...of I say anything I'm being childish.

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 07/07/2012 20:07

I think solidarity and shared pain is important in some situations. Can't tell you of this is one of them. Up to you to decide.

mumblecrumble · 07/07/2012 20:07

He better be saying that in a nice way?

PrincessScrumpy · 07/07/2012 20:08

Haha, won't be showing my dh this thread. With dd1 he would get up and change her nappy before handing her to me to feed throughout the night (dd fed for an hour at a time and I could only get the position sitting in a chair). She was a difficult baby with collic and reflux, but dh helped out even though he had to drive to work for an hour.

The pg was twins so we co slept and so he had a baby on him most nights and we would swap when I'd fed one. He may have work but looking after a baby when shattered isn't easy either. I guess with 1 baby you can nap in the day (although I never managed this) but if it's your 2nd or more then daytime naps are out.

I wouldn't put up with it but then I'm a demanding wife Grin

bbface · 07/07/2012 20:09

4 nighttime nappy changes a night???

Ok, I am just going to throw something out there. Only changing nappies for number 2 or very serious heavy urines. Other than that.., leave it!

blackteaplease · 07/07/2012 20:09

Oh, didn't realise this was your second so you can't all pile back to bed for family nap time when the newborn sleeps.

That does change things a little, but I would only say he is reasonable if he is dealing with older dc and pulling weight around the house during the day to make life easier for you while he is off.

bbface · 07/07/2012 20:10

At nighttime only obv!

OhDearNigel · 07/07/2012 20:10

hmm, well I do think that if you're BFing at night there seems little point in you both being tired and sleep-deprived just for the sake of "being supportive". It's not as if he is going to add anything to the equation is it ?

TessTosterone · 07/07/2012 20:10

I have recently had my 4th dc. I have never expected dh to get up in the night when bf. what's the point in us both being knackered. I can't understand why you would want him uP changing nappies either. It's not hard!

He should be preserving his energy to cook, clean and tidy in the day. Also he can look after the baby in the day allowing you to rest.

So IMO YABU

Pozzled · 07/07/2012 20:12

I think it partly depends what he's doing during the day. If he is doing all the housework, cooking and allowing you to sleep as much as you need to in the day, then it does make some sense for him to get a good night's sleep.

However, I think that he should be ready and willing to help at night if you ever need it, especially if this is your first baby. I have had times with a baby that wouldn't settle when I really really needed to walk away for ten minutes. If my DH hadn't been around I would have had to leave the baby crying, which is obviously not ideal.

bbface · 07/07/2012 20:12

Tests.. I totally agree.

ES... Solidarity and shared pain in some situations, definitely. When it comes to the pain of lack of sleep, ridiculous to share it. When the consequence is both walking around like zombies. Cutting your nose off to spite your face I would say.

mumblecrumble · 07/07/2012 20:14

We used to do the following:

Id get up and breast feed - which took ages and allowed DH to wake up a bit
DH would do any changing, a bottle if it got stupidly long and/or I was exhausted and put her down to sleep.

We did this as he has always needed much less sleep than me so figured we both got aprox 6 hours through the nights (DH's usual anyway) and I topped up with booby naps in the afternoon.

We tried to be considerate to each other and so if DH was knakcered or had diffiuclt day at work i would do all, if i was knackered he would do it all.

We always slept together as beleived it better that way but found seperate duvets helped :)

hairytale · 07/07/2012 20:50

Yanbu.

And doing family stuff is not "helping" it's just doing. DP does not help me with the baby and the housework - he cares for her and pulls his weight.

LadyWidmerpool · 07/07/2012 20:50

bbcface My husband was not a lemon, he is the reason I was able to continue BFing after a terrible start. Also he didn't want to sleep while I was crying in pain after my EMCS. Also he wanted to care for his daughter. Finally he understood that my lack of sleep after four nights in hospital was nothing like his lack of sleep.

Breathe

pinkpyjamas · 07/07/2012 20:56

"And doing family stuff is not "helping" it's just doing. DP does not help me with the baby and the housework - he cares for her and pulls his weight".

Abso-bloody-lutely!

It's about doing whatever needs to be done to get through the day (and night), and that involves everyone stepping up and being considerate of everyone else.

ScarletLadyOfTheNight01 · 07/07/2012 21:03

YANBU. The first 3 or 4 nights my DH did everything (we were combination feeding) and let me sleep so I could get over the labour etc. After that he would get up and make me a milky drink when I was BFing...it helped those long dark nights to have someone there...admittedly he wasn't working at the time, so we could both nap during the day when DD did. I'm sure we would have done things differently if he was.

DoMeDon · 07/07/2012 21:11

He could have slept in with you for a cuddle at the very least. If it's 'no big deal' he could do it. Think he's being an arse.

jkklpu · 07/07/2012 21:16

If 2nd dc, it's probably even more important that he's more rested to be able to look after dc1 in the daytime.

Gentleness · 07/07/2012 23:23

bbface - from my limited experience (2dc), in the first 2 weeks most nappies were dirty as well as wet. It all settles down, but the first 2 weeks are the exception to every rule in my book and everyone just has to pitch in and do what needs to be done. Including night-time cuddles for a beloved wife who has just laboured in producing another beloved dc and is racked with cramping and fatigue with every breastfeed for the first few days, weepy with hormones readjusting and I am not just describing my own experience here surely?

Seriously - OP is talking about the FIRST TWO WEEKS! Not a general rule. Surely that man can spare say 4 nights out of 14 to support his wife, if every night is beyond his powers of endurance.

VegansTasteBetter · 07/07/2012 23:34

It's called paternity leave. Not bloody "lay in for 2 weeks leave" you are so not being unreasonable. Congrats btw

G1nger · 07/07/2012 23:35

I had help. I had a lot of it. I don't know how I'd have coped without it. I fed my baby for anything between 40 minutes and 90, which was hard enough without needing to do everything else too. My partner helped with winding, changing and rocking. He got to sleep during the horribly long feeds. The first few weeks are bloody hard enough without having selfish partners.

G1nger · 07/07/2012 23:36

That was, btw, between 40 and 90 minutes every hour or two throughout the night. It wasn't just once! ;)

holyfishnets · 08/07/2012 01:03

My hubby winded all my little ones in the early days. I fed them (multiple long long b feeds) then laid back and slept, I was so exhausted. He would spend 45 mins or whatever winding and settling baby. He would often go to bed early and I would often have a sleep in, so we both got a bit of extra sleep each day.

Once DH was back at work he slept in the spare room weeks days due to long work drives. He gave me as much respite as he could though.

bbface · 08/07/2012 09:14

Ok, agree that maybe comments were too strong. I had an easy time of it tbh, and I think that has clouded my view. My baby ate and then immediately went to sleep, and never ( and I honestly mean this) has ever done a poo at night time.

So yes, if you have had a rough time and need the support, then your dh should be there for you during the night. Easy birth and baby, then it is nonsense to make your dh sit there like a lemon whilst you breastfeed and then wrap your baby up and put him in his Moses. My dh honestly would not have been doing anything other than rubbing his eyes and watching me.

bbface · 08/07/2012 09:16

And perhaps my background drives my view on this issue. Lost my parents in my early twenties and mil lives abroad.

pumpkinsweetie · 08/07/2012 09:20

Congratulations on your new babyBear.
Yanbu, why is he even on paternity leave if he is sleeping in a separate room and not helping with nightfeeds/changes?
Paternity leave isn't compulsory, infact i would chase his arse back into work as he sounds like he is having a lazy holiday rather than acting like a new dad shouldAngry
Ask him if he is willing to help, if not ask him to go back to work

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