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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that XP cough up towards the cost of expensive school trip?

56 replies

shrimponastick · 06/07/2012 17:46

XP isn't loaded. However, he pays minimal maintenance for our DS - and no extras.

My DH pays his XP very well - and half towards all extra expenses - i.e. school trips, uniform, any extras really that are necessary.

So, DS has a big school trip next week. I have repeatedly requested that XP contribute towards it. (also towards music lessons, Scout camps.... yada yada yada). He has just brought home a letter detailing a school trip next year - and it is just short of £1000. It is a trip to Iceland. Sounds fab!

Would it be fair to expect that XP pays some of it? I don't anticipate that he will pay anywehre near half.. But it would be appreciated if he showed willing.

He seems content to let my DH pay for my DS.

Oh, and general grumble.. he doesn't EVER take him away on holiday. Or make up any time which he m isses due to his own holidays! Whereas DSSs come with us for at least two weeks out of the year.

is he just a nobber??

OP posts:
haththefecklessbreeder · 06/07/2012 17:48

If your DH pays over and above, that's a matter for him (and good for him)

However, you can't expect your ex to pay.

You can ask, and if he was a decent man he would, but you can't make him.

As to holidays, my kids are going away with their dad this year, and I can't afford to take them away. Am I a nobber too?

DamnBamboo · 06/07/2012 17:50

If he pays what he has to pay, then that is fair enough. If he paid more than he had to, that would be great (for you and DS) but maybe not for him. YOu say he's not loaded, so do you actually think he'll be able to pay towards this trip, or indeed afford to pay for any of the rest of the stuff.

Based on what you say in your OP, he doesn't sound like a nobber, no!

You however?

elkiedee · 06/07/2012 17:51

haththefeckless - do you go away on holiday without your kids?

haththefecklessbreeder · 06/07/2012 17:51

And if your XP is paying you maintenance at the level he should be, then he is perfectly entitled to refuse to pay any more towards any extra trips or anything else.

darthsillius · 06/07/2012 17:52

The op meant her ex goes on holiday himself but never takes his son so not like your situation at all

haththefecklessbreeder · 06/07/2012 17:52

Elkie - yes I have done.

Not recently, but I have done. Paid for by DP when he was just the boyfriend.

And no I didn't take my kids away that year either.

I must be a total nobber.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 06/07/2012 17:53

YABabitU - if you couldn't afford for DS to go to Iceland then he wouldn't go iyswim - you can't just say to XDH "DS is going to iceland, cough up" whether or not he's able to afford it. Imho it's only fair XDH pays what he is able to pay imho, which is sounds like he is.

FreudianSlipper · 06/07/2012 17:56

if he can afford to pay more then yes why should he not and why would he not want to

thankfully the ex is not like this as we both want ds to be happy

elkiedee · 06/07/2012 17:57

No, I don't think it's wrong to go away without your kids, ever. hath, I don't think you're necessarily the same as OP's ex. I'm not sure I'd condemn him completely based on what's here, not enough info, but I can understand why she's a bit concerned about it.

Original poster
shrimponastick · 06/07/2012 17:58

XP does go on holiday - with his DW and his two DC. However he doesn't take DS.

It isn't just a case of money. That is just one of my gripes. He doesn't ever attend parents' evenings or other school events. I inform him well in advance.

I don't know in fact if he does pay what he is meant to anymore. The nights that DS stays with him have been cut down more and more.

OP posts:
DamnBamboo · 06/07/2012 17:59

You have dripfed.
It is annoying.
Based on your above OP, yes he sounds like a nobber!

Original poster
shrimponastick · 06/07/2012 18:00

We can afford to pay for DS to go on the trip. But the point is that XP knows that and is aware that DS won't miss out because I want him to do these things.

If he lived with him then he probably woulldn't get to go - although I guess the roles would be reversed then and he would be asking me for extra cash??

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 06/07/2012 18:00

I dont think he should pay, no trip abroad is compulsory so if you want your DS to go then you should fund it.

haththefecklessbreeder · 06/07/2012 18:00

I didn't go to parent's night with DD1 this year - exH went. He wanted to, I didn't.

I didn't go to the end of year school BBQ for DD2 - it was exH night and he wanted to go so he did.

I hate school events and attend as few as possible. Especially if there's a chance that exH will be there and I'll have to look at him. It isn't good for my blood pressure.

I go on holiday with DP and don't take the kids. Sometimes.

And I wouldn't pay for DC's to go on a £1000 trip to Iceland.

Total rip off.

lazylula · 06/07/2012 18:01

Do You discuss the school trips with him? If you are deciding your son can go with out talking to him firt then expecting him to pay then Yabu, if you are discussing, he is all for it and saying he will contribute then doesn't then yanbu. It would be nice if he did contribute but maybe he can not afford to.

Original poster
shrimponastick · 06/07/2012 18:01

damn

Thank you. He is.

Nothing will change but I feel better now Grin

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 06/07/2012 18:04

My exP pays maintenance (below what he should) but he also is paying half the school fees when DD starts and half the uniform etc (he offered)

If I was in this position I think I would speak to him and see if he thought he could afford it. If its next year I suppose he has time to save. But I dont think I would demand that he pay.

Also if your son is old enough to be going to Iceland with school couldnt he save his pocket money etc to put towards it? Meaning a bit less for you and him to pay.

pinkyp · 06/07/2012 18:05

I'm on the fence 1 - he pays and sees his child which is great, it would be nice for him to want to pay towards these extra things but I wouldn't say he was a nobber if he didn't.... BUT I can imagine it will annoy you alot

olgaga · 06/07/2012 18:05

I guess school trips aren't obligatory - neither are holidays! Most kids' parents would not be able to afford a trip costing that much. Your son is lucky he can go. No doubt if you were still with your ex, you wouldn't be able to afford it either, as well as a family holiday.

I'm not sure why you'd expect him to cough up when he has never paid for anything over and above maintenance before.

Surely the important thing is your son is going on the trip. Let it go!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 18:16

Your ex is a nobber, and of course he should pay!

Not that he will, or you should expect it, but he should definatly pay, especially as he has two more dc.

Men like your ex make my skin crawl. They don't provide properly for their dc, but then think its ok to go and have more dc so they can play happy families. It's sick.

haththefecklessbreeder · 06/07/2012 18:17

Why should he pay if he's already paying the right amount of maintenance?

And I'm sorry but not paying £1,000 on a trip to fucking bastard Iceland does not mean you aren't providing properly for your DC.

DamnBamboo · 06/07/2012 18:19

See I disagree that he should pay towards this trip. Which is what this AIBU is about I suppose.
It's the other bits of information you've provided about his behaviour generally that make me go Hmm.

The guy is not a nobber because he won't have over £500 for his son to go on a school trip! Seriously.

DamnBamboo · 06/07/2012 18:21

won't give

hairytale · 06/07/2012 18:22

Yabu if he pays maintenance

olgaga · 06/07/2012 18:28

Outraged I read the OP as saying that it was her current H with the two DC from a former relationship who generously pays over and above, not the ex...

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