to expect that XP cough up towards the cost of expensive school trip?

[shrimponastick]

XP isn't loaded. However, he pays minimal maintenance for our DS - and no extras.

My DH pays his XP very well - and half towards all extra expenses - i.e. school trips, uniform, any extras really that are necessary.

So, DS has a big school trip next week. I have repeatedly requested that XP contribute towards it. (also towards music lessons, Scout camps.... yada yada yada). He has just brought home a letter detailing a school trip next year - and it is just short of £1000. It is a trip to Iceland. Sounds fab!

Would it be fair to expect that XP pays some of it? I don't anticipate that he will pay anywehre near half.. But it would be appreciated if he showed willing.

He seems content to let my DH pay for my DS.

Oh, and general grumble.. he doesn't EVER take him away on holiday. Or make up any time which he m isses due to his own holidays! Whereas DSSs come with us for at least two weeks out of the year.

is he just a nobber??

I don't expect him to give me £500.

Just a contribution towards the trp - to show willing.

I do see both sides. I see DH getting regular emails asking for extra cash for his Dss. He willingly pays.

However, I was a LP from DS being 2 until he was 10 - so funded everything myself -I had two jobs to make sure I had enough money.

Thank you all for your input. IABU and IANBU.

Am going to get some later and then I won't have to think about it

But does your Ex pay maintenance?

Just because your current DH pays extra you expect your ex to?

That's hardly fair.

I read that too olgaga, but the ex goes on holiday with his new wife and dc but won't take ops son, or pay towards him going away with school.

Are the DCs that the ex goes on holiday his new DCs or his DSCs?

And even if he does, so what?

Maybe his wife pays for it?

YANBU - sorry but anyone who just pays the bare minimum they can get away with for their non-resident DCs is a bit of a tosser in my mind. Yes, children don't need anything other than food, basic clothes on their back and a roof over their head, but if your ex lived with them and could afford extras, you'd think that he was a complete tosser if he refused to give them anything other than the bare minimum to surivive while spending the excess cash on himself. If you heard someone's DH insisted on paying for holidays just for him and his mates but leaving no money for family holidays, you'd tell her he was a waste of space, yet an absent father does this and is considered to be perfectly fair because "he's paid what he has too".

Ask him to pay half. He might say no, but that way you've at least given him the opportunity to show interest.

Some people don't get any maintenance.

At all.

Not a penny.

hath - yes, but the bare minimum.

And yes, they are his new DCs -not DSCs.

I am mostly resigned to his ways now ,and just 'suck it up'. Am just grunting as DS brought the letter home for the big trip tonight.

I try to be the bigger person and let it go, because it just isn't worth getting het up - but sometimes.......

I don't have £1000 to send myself on holiday, let alone spend on a school trip. DS and I went to Mallorca a week or so ago, cost £500 in flights for the pair of us.

When I was at school my parents were OK for money, but we went on some trips, but not all of them.

If you can afford for your son to go, then good, but not everyone can.

dontmindifido

I have asked for some towards a trip which he goes on next week. It isn't as pricey as this one - it was just over £300. I have asked a few times, but he doesn't reply.

so I should just give up.

Well, if they're his new DCs maybe his new wife pays for the holiday for them as a family unit?

Not great, but hardly any of your business.

Especially since your new DH is so fantastic.

How long is the trip btw? A month? two?

She said "he doesn't EVER take him away on holiday. Or make up any time which he misses due to his own holidays!"

Apart from that, all she says about her ex is that "he isn't loaded". She doesn't say anything about her ex even having a new wife and DC.

She is talking about her current DH paying for half of extra expenses for his own DC - and that they take his sons on holiday with them every year.

Dear God.

Another trip.

See, before you decide your son is going on these trips, do you discuss with your Ex or do you present him with "he's going I want you to contribute"

Because if it is the latter, I'd be damned and double damned if I'd give you a penny.

So?

What her and her current DH decide to do with HIS children (her steps) is NOTHING to do with what her Ex and his new wife do.

Nothing.

Well I think it is harsh if he takes some of his children on holiday but not others.

But he's just getting a trip

Why does he need so many?

Oh right I missed the post at 17.58 - sorry for the confusion.

But OP, you've said your ex isn't loaded - you don't know who pays for their family holidays - how do you know his wife or her parents isn't funding it? Do you think they shouldn't have a holiday? I don't think you should be resentful towards them when it's your ex who is being a disappointing father to your DS.

I can understand your resentment - but look on the bright side - you and your new DH can afford to send your DS on this trip, and that's the main thing.

I'm sure you'll make sure your DS knows who is paying for it all.

Most people wouldn't afford £1000 for a school trip for one child. It's a total luxury in my opinion. Not saying that a child shouldn't go if the parents can afford it. They should. I think you are being a bit unreasonable to be honest to expect it if your Ex doesn't have a lot of money, and to think he is mean if he doesn't pay. Because of how expensive this trip is. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for a contribution to a modestly priced trip.

For me CSA payments should be the bare minimum that it takes to clothe, feed, house the child based on income, and half costs etc.

Things like uniforms, school trips, clubs etc should be shared. They are extra expenses and it is unfair for one parent (NRP) to expect the other parent (RP) to fund them all.

School trips are blindingly expensive though, I wish they weren't. It is very unfair the amount of children that simply cannot afford to go.

I also think its unfair of OPs ex to never take his other child away. Even if just for a weekend if he really cannot afford anything else. Poor kid must feel like a second class citizen.

hath that is a rather harsh line to take don't you think? The child is the one losing out if the NRP won't fund extras.

DH pays minimal maintenance and access is less than it used to be yet he manages holidays and a new car. I'm better off without him, my DS's are better off having a positive relationship with him even if it's limited, my life is better to just accept it is what it is and he's not going to change. I don't go out of my way to tell him about school stuff, I periodically send him brief email updates of important stuff for his information, I just accept the money thing is shit and the legal maintenance payments are too. The more I step away from my involvement and contact with him the lower my blood pressure.

I'm guessing he's been the same for years now and he's not going to change or contribute more. Your DH is the man you choose to be with, no doubt in part because he is a responsible reasonable person in respect to his kids. Support him in that, share your wine and let go. Morally YANBU but practically and for your own sanity after so many years YABU.

the maintenance rates are there to ensure that the children get the same quality of life (financially) as they would if the parents were together. At the same time, NRPs often struggle to pay the bills fro the second family. So there should be a sensible balance.
Maybe OP if you were still with your ex a 1000 pound school trip would be out of the question financially, would you hold a grudge then?
It is harsh he's not taking all his children on holiday, I agree with that, but then maybe his wife is paying for all that and maybe, rightly or wrongly, she is not willing to pay for his son to go on holiday.
I have volunteered in the past for FNF and have seen a lot NRPs getting all the bad press and getting crippled financially, it's not all black and white.
The real question here is: are you sure he'd be able to afford paying any more than he already is?
Is this what really bothers you, or is he not enough of a father to your son and that's the real issue, you just project it onto money matters?
If he was skinned but attended parents' evenings, soccer games, took your DS away for the day on the beach with his other DC, but you only got the infamous fiver a week, would that be ok?

£1,000 for a school trip?

Fuck me, that's expensive.

So you asked him to contribute to a £300 trip and then a £1000 trip? And you've admitted that if he lived with his dad that he probably wouldn't go. Has it actually occurred to you that he can't afford to pay? I know we couldn't just find a few hundred pounds to pay out for these trips if it was my dh's kids. And I would also rather pay hundreds for a family holiday rather than one for one child. (though my SC were always invited on our holidays, so I don't think YABU on that point.)

I couldn't afford to fund a single child for a holiday at £1000 and £300 married or single. Even if I could afford it I wouldn't do it.

The OP says her ex isn't loaded.

He pays maintenance, as he should.

The word no exists for a reason.

Just because the note from school comes home doesn't mean he has to go.

yes it might be harsh. But thems the facts. I could not and would not afford it because it would be unfair to the rest of my children to spend such an unequal part of my "fun" budget on one child.

So I'm a nobber.

Whatever.

meh.