to wonder why Iam so unpopular

[marymary40]

Iam sorry about this post and it feels rather teenage girlish and selfindulgent writing it but I just feel so miserable as I just feel so terribly unpopular, Ijust want to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head and cry.

I think I am nice people and I always try to help others out but I just feel so cold shouldered and not liked in general but especially at work.

I frequently walk into the staffroom at work and people stop talking I really Iam not the parniod type - but I just feel sure people are talking about me.

There is a work night out tonight and Iasked a collegue I work closely with if she was going, she said yes and then turned to another collegue and tried to persuade her to go. Surely if someone asks you if you are going to something like this your response would be to return 'are you'. It was just made so clear she did not want to ask that in case I said yes and 'spolit' their night.

Another thing is that no one ever offers to help me out. I was working halfday today it absoletely pouring here. People know I have a 30 minute walk to the train station - someone could of offered a lift - no one did.

There is one woman at work who is out and out rude to me- she just huffs when I speak and when I took my new baby into work she gave the baby a dirty look - others did comment on how rude she was to meon that occasion.

Out of work similar sortof things hav happened recently - I called old friend from uni as I do about once a year for a bit of a chat and catch up. He was not in but I had a chat with his wife (who I also know from years ago- but it the husband that is my main friend) anyway she told me about this reunion weekend people uni had had - I wasnot invited on- she also said she would get her dh to call me back and took my new number - not heard back in a month.

I go to a mums and tots groups on the day I and try to chat to people but no-one ever makes the effort to talk to me.

I think I must be really boring - how do I become more popular (I know that sounds ridculous for a 42 year old woman to say)? I really am so upset by this particularly the work thing.

Ohh. i dont know what to say but didnt want to not answer. Maybe youve just come accross a bunch of ass holes? You sound nice to me

Ahh thank you - yes tht is pretty much my husbands line

dh just said workplaces can be cliquey - Iam not in it - and because of the work thing Iam overanalysing everything.

sounds like the work people aren't really worth knowing imo.

don't try to 'be more popular', try to 'find nicer people'

Ahh, you sound sad and I really feel for you.
Is it possible that you are focusing just on the bad experiences? I mean I wouldn't worry to much about your friend forgetting to ring you back. I often forget to return calls or texts, it is never personal. I do it to DH more than anyone. Just ring him again when you get the chance.
Have you other friends? I have always been a quality not quantity person, so in work I would only have had a couple of close friends, and never really got in ith the big crowd. Clearly this woman doesn't like you and perhaps she is influencing others. Just have a whatever fuck off attitude to her. Big breezy cheery hellos, she'll make herself look relly petty if you continue to be polite to her. Cultivate a couple of friendships in the staff room and be nice to everyone else.
Mums and tots groups are a bit difficult as everyone is distracted by their own kids. Maybe suggest meeting somewhere on another day to a couple of mothers of similiar aged kids. Most people are open to a playground trip in good weather.

I think unfortunately that when you feel that people don't like you, it affects how you behave and the result can often be that you come across as a bit self-absorbed and unfriendly yourself. If you want to have friends, you have to be a good friend and you have to grow a thick skin in respect of 90% of the people you are friends with. If you're very lucky, 10% of your social friends will be 'true' friends - people you can really rely on to help you out when you are in need. IMO if you have two of this type of friend during your entire lifetime, you're doing well.

Everyone else can be a social friend - someone you can have fun conversation/attend events with, but whose behaviour you should not have too high expectations of. Sometimes you will be left out of invitations, sometimes you have to make 100% of the effort to make conversation with people etc - being popular and having lots of friends takes work. You have to put in a significant level of effort to strike up conversations, to arrange nights out, make the first move to ask if someone fancies going for lunch or a coffee etc - 99% of the time others will be responsive and won't knock you back, but you have to be willing to accept the 1% who might rebuff you.

When you start making more friends, you will feel less hung up on small incidents like you are now - I used to be absolutely devastated if I found out that there was a social event that I wasn't invited to, but now I am invited to so many things it doesn't bother me a jot. Also, the more friends you make the easier you will find it to attract people and the more confident you will be in getting to know people and then... it's a virtuous circle! You will attract more and more friends until you can't keep up with them all.

The key things are to be positive, smile, act happy - don't moan. Don't say negative things about people (any people, whether the person you're talking to knows them or not) to anyone unless they are super close bosom friends. Say nice things. When someone says something nice about someone you know, pass it on to them. Show an interest in people. Be the first to speak to someone. If you see someone who is alone at a baby group, approach them.

I don't follow all these rules if I'm honest - I'm not great at making the first move to be friendly, but I do respond as positively as I can once someone approaches me, and I am very proactive about organising social events. I make sure I go to as many things as I can when I am invited anywhere - even if I don't particularly feel like it. If people know you won't come, they won't bother inviting you - in general, people want to feel that you like them and that you are interested in them. Try not to turn down invitations. And the golden rule really is to avoid being negative - as I said above, don't say negative things about people, and apply this to places and things too. Think of something positive to say.

What an essay. But this issue is really important to me - I felt exactly like you 10 years ago when I graduated from university and came back to my home town. It was lonely and I felt that I had zero friends. It took time to change that, but I now firmly believe that if you want to be popular, you can cultivate popularity by choosing to be a positive, friendly person - it will happen.

the women that is openly rude to me in not in this clique with the colleagues I work closely with so I dont think she is influencing them.

Change the job.
The uni thing is just one of those things - people get busy and move on, it probably isn't personal.
Mum and tots group - try thinking about the people before you go and think of things to ask them about themselves or their children, or ask someone fr advice about something to do with your child or something. People love to be experts and they love to talk about themselves. Then follow up on their advice and or their details about themselves.
It sounds to me like you are shy, and need to learn small talk - I really hope that this and the above does not come acorss as patronising - I am trying to think of things to help but it is difficult without knowing more about you - perhaps you have a stiff manner or a stern face.
I'm a bit deaf and can across a bit brash when I try to cover it up - puts a lot of people off, but I'm very lucky with the friends I do have. ;-)

I agree, it might just be bad luck.

I've had times where I felt really unpopular, then by changing jobs or flats I made new friends and realised I just didn't fit in with the previous crowd.

Maybe it would help to readjust your expectations a bit. Yes, it's nice to have friends at work, but in the end they are just people you work with. Just aim for being civil with everyone and anything more than that is a bonus.

It's pretty natural to drift away from uni friends, right? After 20 years? These things happen.

Try to stay positive. Someday you won't work there anymore and you'll look back and be amazed that you cared what these people thought of you!

Yes Ithink you are right about the friend not calling back and mums and tots - I know realistically this is not personal. Just on top of the work thing it feels like the final straw.

It is the people at work really bothering me. Least writing this has made me focas on were the problem is.

You shouldn't have to try to be more popular, just be yourself & you'll attract like minded people as friends. If you try you are putting on a front which will probably end with you having friends that aren't similar to you & you may not actually like them that much.

Work places can be cliquey & I really wouldn't give a stuff what they think of you tbh-think of them as collegues rather than friends.

Not meaning to sound rude, but do you have any hygine issues? This could be an issue perhaps?

Yeah work places can be a bit like the school gates.........they aint worth it seriously...you sound nice and like someone else said, they are just ass holes!

I'm the same but try not to let it bother me anymore.

I have been through hell the last few years with 2 different tragedies and realised then what a selfish bunch of twats I had been wasting my time with.

Funny how when you stop doing things for people at the drop of a hat you never hear from them anymore

I do get invited to occasional nights out that everyone has but feel that is more to make numbers up.

What I have noticed though is the 4 or so "friends" I do have also have other friends that are not really known to me and all they ever do is slag them off. I could tell you every marital/money problem that any of them are having at any time.

Makes me glad I am on the outside of it all.

It sounds like there is something going on at work that is upsetting you and making you read into things into other situations.

Your uni friend's wife was happy to chat to you. Reunions can be a question if staying in touch with the inviters as much as anything.

Mum & tots groups can be very alienating if the people who run them don't make an effort to include newbies and introduce them to people.

I'm sure you are a nice person. Most people are and very few are boring.

When people are not paying attention it's usually about what's happening in their life, and nothing personal to you.

I was at a toddler group the other week and I was sitting beside a man I didn't know. Normally I would have chatted to him, but I was heavily pregnant and feeling unwell and I just couldn't get it together.

I'm sorry I don't know the answer to your question, but I know personally I give off a "loner" signal. I'm quite happy to do things alone, and be alone. I don't have a best friend or friends I meet regularly. I think because I'm quiet and a bit of an introvert, people mistake it for arrogance. It does mean I'm ignored quite alot, and can't talk out loud in groups. People just think I don't want to engage.

Do you think you may be a bit shy or quiet too?

The other thing I can think of (please don't take it personally!), do you have good hygiene? I'm not pinning anything against you, but sometimes smelly people are ignored by people.

That woman at your workplace sounds jealous.

I read your posts and it could be written by me.

Don't have the answer, just that you are not alone in feeling this way. Try not to dwell on things too much

Puds - loll- no I dont think I have any hygiene issues!!! I always shower and wear chanel. Ithink dh would have give me the heads up on that one.

One thing I have picked up from work is ask about their kids. If not kids, a handbag, shoes, whatever. It instantly starts a conversation, rather than banging on about the weather. Because honestly, no one gives a fuck.

You might be best just writing off those people at work. Either they have no social skills or they're dicks- neither of these qualities tend to make for good friendships. As for the woman who gave your baby a dirty look- who does that?!

I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world right now, but developing a thicker skin will help immeasurably. At the moment you feel every little "slight" ten times sharper than it needs to be. Tell yourself you're friggin' fabulous, because no-one's going to believe it when you don't! I was like you for a looong time. When I got into my first job I realised that actually, I wasn't so bad. And once I stopped feeling crippling self conscious I relaxed a bit, and things got so so much easier. I hope the same happens for you Mary!

I think OP that you sound as though you have low self-esteem, and also that the people you work with are total arses. Some workplaces are just a bit like that. I've worked in places before where I've loved my colleagues and had a fantastic social life with them all, and then in other places where everyone backstabs each other.

I think maybe try and have some counselling and CBT. This will help your self esteem to improve, and you will find it easier to be yourself and focus on those that do like you

I could have written that. I feel 'tolerated' at work. Have just put in an application for more hours and, despite being very well qualified and experienced, I really doubt I will be offered them. My face does not fit. It has been the same throughout my life. Always on the fringes of friendship groups at school, though nice to everyone. Never a bully but often on the receiving end, though not in my adult life.

The thing is, I could change things if I really wanted to. But I am quiet. I'm not shy. I'm quiet. Always on the outskirts. I don't feel at my age (same as OP), that I should have to alter how I am.

I think too that the key is to just stop caring what people think. I've found that since I've done this and vowed to just be myself, people want to chat to me all the time on the school run etc and I seem to attract more people. Having counselling was a turning point for me, it took about a year of counselling but suddenly it was as if an 'off' switch had gone in my brain and I just stopped caring. I stopped caring if anyone chatted to me at the school gates, stopped caring if the shop assistant serving me was friendly towards me or not, and stopped caring what people thought of me on nights out.

Like someone else says, you have to believe you're fabulous before anyone else will :)

well they have a good social life with each other (they are mostly youngers than me- late 20s - earlier30s - no kids) but there are also collegues that are invovled in the nights out etc that arein their lates 40s and 50s.

Op, I feel for you, I really do. YANBU to wonder why this is happening, but I do think that sometimes when this happens there's something going on with you, too. Not that you're smelly or bad or anything, but I worry that you're too worried about this and really focusing on the negative. My only experience with this level of unhappiness is my friend's DH who also suffers from anxiety. He reports almost the same things going on at his work that you do at yours! I am not sure how much is his perception and how much is actually going on, but I do know that you may need to talk to someone professional about how you're feeling just to make sure you're being objective, IYSWIM.

I can't imagine that every interaction with every person is bad, but I know know that some people glide through social situations like fish, and others struggle, and sometomes it has to do with what's going on in our brains.

you brought a baby in, I don't know how old baby is, but could there be some PND going on?

Again, it sounds like this isn't all in your head, the woman who was rude to your baby was witnessed by others, so that was real, but I have a hard time believing EVERYONE hates you.

good luck, and I'm pulling for you!

Well in that case mary i would conclude that they are knobheads .
Try joining a club or something.