to wonder why Iam so unpopular

[marymary40]

Iam sorry about this post and it feels rather teenage girlish and selfindulgent writing it but I just feel so miserable as I just feel so terribly unpopular, Ijust want to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head and cry.

I think I am nice people and I always try to help others out but I just feel so cold shouldered and not liked in general but especially at work.

I frequently walk into the staffroom at work and people stop talking I really Iam not the parniod type - but I just feel sure people are talking about me.

There is a work night out tonight and Iasked a collegue I work closely with if she was going, she said yes and then turned to another collegue and tried to persuade her to go. Surely if someone asks you if you are going to something like this your response would be to return 'are you'. It was just made so clear she did not want to ask that in case I said yes and 'spolit' their night.

Another thing is that no one ever offers to help me out. I was working halfday today it absoletely pouring here. People know I have a 30 minute walk to the train station - someone could of offered a lift - no one did.

There is one woman at work who is out and out rude to me- she just huffs when I speak and when I took my new baby into work she gave the baby a dirty look - others did comment on how rude she was to meon that occasion.

Out of work similar sortof things hav happened recently - I called old friend from uni as I do about once a year for a bit of a chat and catch up. He was not in but I had a chat with his wife (who I also know from years ago- but it the husband that is my main friend) anyway she told me about this reunion weekend people uni had had - I wasnot invited on- she also said she would get her dh to call me back and took my new number - not heard back in a month.

I go to a mums and tots groups on the day I and try to chat to people but no-one ever makes the effort to talk to me.

I think I must be really boring - how do I become more popular (I know that sounds ridculous for a 42 year old woman to say)? I really am so upset by this particularly the work thing.

My ex used to complain that he never saw his friends. And yet when his friends called him up to go out, he was always too tired or had just settled in for the night or whatever. I'm not saying you do this, but friendships take a lot of work...meaning that you have to call them sometimes, even though you may not really feel like it.

Also, use the old classic and ask people about themselves as though it were the only thing you cared about. If you show interest in them, they will think you are great...people are so easy really! Plus smile often...have a silly/funny tale to tell in case the moment arises. It's often a case of putting on a happy face when you feel fed up but sometimes that can actually make you feel happier anyway. And remember everyone is insecure...we all love people to take an interest in us.

I think alot of you (and probabbly from the way I wrote my post) are thinking I do not know these people. Ihaveworked with them for 5 years, we know each other. It is beyond small talk. We do chat about all sorts sat work (they dont have kids so I try not to go on about the kids). We all like to travel, so talk holidays, boyfriends, etc.

I have also been out with them before maybe on 2 occassions in the last 2 years. In fact whenever I have been asked I have gone out. The 2 woman I work most closely with in my team, are best friends out of work (but only met at work) and 10 years younger than me.

Are you a teacher?

ive been in some HORRIBLE STaff rooms

And some LOVELY ones

And I was the same person in each.... to some extent. But the Negativeness is crippling

Any thoughts on moving? Just looking at different jobs?

Yes I am a teacher - well worked out mummycrumble. I have workedat 2 other schools and the first one Ifelt quite like Ido now - but looking back I think i brought that on myself as I was in a long distance relationship and used to spend all weekend with bf. At my last school there was not really a going out culture as the age profile of the staff was older. However, on reflection I never felt left out of things like I do now.

I don't think it's you - I think it's more that you have come across a group of people that you don't entirely 'fit' with (and the woman who gave your baby a dirty look sounds like a total bitch and not worth your time, anyway). That can happen to anyone - even people who are generally very popular and have never struggled to make friends. Your experience in another job could be entirely different. I think you have a couple of choices

a)Continue to be friendly and polite and resign yourself to the fact that they are just not going to ever be proper friends.

b)Try to find another job and remove yourself from an environment which makes you feel sad and lonely.

Baby groups are hellish - I wouldn't take anything that happens there personally. You sound nice to me and I think you need to start caring less about the opinions of bitchy people.

I had this problem. But I realised that I was not being myself with people. I was TRYING to be friendly and that was the problem. If you ask about someone's sick elderly parent/ week in Benidorm/ wedding plans when deep down you do not give a monkeys, they are just platitudes, the receiver will pick that up.
Hexagonalqueen had a good answer, you have to stop caring what others think of you and be yourself.
Counselling might help but it's so hard to find a good counsellor.

I have to remind myself to be myself and to not try too hard and to focus on the person I am with. Just speak if you have something to say and if you ARE talking to someone relax, look at their face/eyes and focus on them, not on what fascinating response you are about to make.

I used to go to nights out because everyone went but hated them as they were all about getting well oiled and having a laugh. Maybe it's just me but having a laugh can't be done to order.

Also the workmates were a bit toxic (female), considered themselves a friendly department but conveniently forgot about people who had left because they didn't fit in.

The thing is - you are at a different life stage to them so while they may like you, they prefer to socialise with each other as they have more in common. That is not personal, just the way of the world. I know I would have felt like that when I was younger and childless.

I see it's a school staffroom. I think people can be nasty (bullying in a way) because they are jealous.

Are you the pretty one with the happy marriage and nice kids or very well paid DH?

Oh, have just reread that you have a new baby. Perhaps that is it.

I can remember an attitude at work of 'well, she needn't think I'm doing all the heavy work' when someone announced she was pregnant which I think was just due to jealousy.

The new baby incident happened a while ago - baby is 2 now. Although dirty look woman has been hateful to me consistently since. My dh says I need to ask her what her problem with me is - I have racked my brain and cant think of anything i havedone to upset her. It does upset the way she is with me always huffing when I speak and really unprofessional towards me but I am definately not a confrontation person - so have gone from just always being nice and saying hi to her and smiling (cant believe someone wont return a smile on the corridor) to just ignoring her.

Iam definately not the pretty one!!!

I do have a happy marriage and I am I suppose dh does have a well paid job.

I think i am just going to keep myself to myself in future and not make the effort - then I cant be in a position to be slighted.

It's not you OP. I'd much rather meet someone genuine than someone who was bitchy or constantly "bubbly" with a fake smile. I can't do put-on smiles and small-talk either.

Can you try to join some local things where you have interests in common or where nice people are likely to be?

OP - I once had a difficult colleague. I found pulling her up on her behaviour made her stop.
Next time she huffs at you, ask what her problem is. You may find she denies a problem but will stop huffing as well.
If she's rude to you, ask "why are you treating me like this?". People like that don't like being called on their behaviour & sometimes tone it down.

getting sensitive about things can be a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you are in a place where you are hyper alert to whether people like/don't like you, this can draw a negative if you're not careful - you'll be standing back and that will come across.

Decide to draw a line under when people behave badly eg the woman who blanks you - she sounds like a bully and, frankly, not worth the breath/a moment's thought: crawling after her trying to get her to be 'nice' is a complete waste of time. If you generally ignore her (as you are doing), you will deprive her of the oxygen that keeps her very petty thing going. Others have noticed, so you're not imagining it. I think it's good to wish people like this well in your heart (iyswim: let them and their petty behaviour go - and don't be petty back!) but draw a line under whether you want them in your life or want to interact with them. Personally, I don't want to be with people who don't want to be with me.

do you complain/grumble/generally moan about work and appear stressed? If people don't want to enter into a real level of relating, ie the good with the bad, then steer clear of expressing anything negative: people have enough stress going on in their own lives. Keep things light. Not fake light but genuine.

and smile . Try to get the smile to come from inside, not just outside iyswim ie from a genuine peace with life (or certain aspects of, at least). The most popular and attractive people I know smile as a matter of course.

You may be in a shit working environment. ime younger people notoriously don't realise that older people are just the same as them but with older bodies! People can also be merciless about getting what they want socially - dog eat dog. Incidentally, how did the comments about the woman blanking you when you brought in your baby come about? ie did you broach the subject or did others? If you initiated it, complaining that she had blanked you, it may be that you aren't close enough to them to talk about personal slights and they may be tense that they may accidentally slight you too (ie that you are high maintenance).

Just a few thoughts...

Well, if you have worked with them for 5 years, it is beyond small talk and you know them, and you were out with them on many occasions in the past, why do you think that they have to especially invite you?

It is not you and them is it? You are all colleagues?

If you want to join them, why not just say "oh, night out, sounds great, I could do with some wine/beer"

I dont think you need a special invitation, you are part of the group. A specific "are you coming?" Should not be necessary!

I think you are over thinking this. I bet nobody thought they had to invite you. You asked somebody if they were going, and they most likely assumed you were also coming, which is why you were asking, so they turned to somebody else to spread the word and get them along.

OP - I take a very careful line at work. I don't mention DH's job, where the dc go to school or the name of my road. I made the great mistake in the early days of inviting the girl I worked with and got along with really well back to the house for supper when she was upset after a bad day. After that she turned and was full of bitter little comments constantly - fortunately she left soon after but I learnt a hard lesson.

Thanks for your words of wisdom emsyj, think your insights are very helpful

1. You do know that most people, even 'popular', 'confident' people with loads of friends feel like big awkward twats a lot of the time and get paranoid about whether people like them or not? I have a lot of friends and a full social life but I still fall victim to feeling left out by, say, mums at school or feel one person avoids me or gives me the dirties. It is really quite normal. It's a balance of accepting this but also and putting yourself forward to resolve it.

1. If you you really feel people are unwilling to befriend you or include you, you have to look to yourself. You've had loads of great advice on here. A big smile, lots of asking about the other person and being genuinely interested in them goes a long way. I do NOT hold truck with 'oh they all must be a bunch of twats' then - that is extremely unlikely and not helpful advice to you. Big groups of individuals at one workplace really not going to all be one big horrible homogenous lump!

The woman in the baby incident sound vile. Just forget about her as her behaviour says a lot more about her than it does about you.

I agree that you can't lump everyone in together (ie in groups) but often a general flavour can permeate a group, whether positive or negative. I recently went into an office to ask for something and the atmosphere there was vile! They were horrible to me - to the point that I asked 'have I don't something wrong?' because I couldn't work out what was going on! This pulled them up short and some of them looked a bit sheepish (one of them left the office and called me outside to talk to me in a perfectly reasonable way).

I've been in a position where I have instigated a change in the general social flavour from negative to positive. It wasn't that hard and tbh most people welcome it. it was actually at my kids' primary school - I was the class rep and generally smashed cliques promoted friendly relations (I wasn't obvious about it). You have to be a rep of some kind, leading something, to do that I would've thought? Doesn't have to be anything serious, you could be the lottery organiser eg. If you are passive then you go along with whatever is taking precedence, whether positive or negative.

The baby dirty look incident - was brought up with me- one of the clique texted me at home and said kids were gorgeous dont know what cathy's prooblem was just told the girls I live with about they cant believe how rude she wasto you.

So yes a nice text - but this was from the same woman that (2 years on) did not ask me if I intended to go on the night out when I asked her if she was going and the same one and the same one I often feel is talking about me when I enter a room. Andwho was free all afternoon on friday - but did not offer me a lift to the station in torrential rain. I normally have a car and frquently drop her off at the airport when she goes straight from work.

Anyway thanks everyone for all the advice - I'll put my best smile on move on - but I am definately going to sit with a different crowd at lunch times.

I get the impression that staff rooms can be really bitchy places. I'm about to start a PGCE - looks like I might be in for a treat .

Good psychology seems like the best way to survive it. I tend to ignore the bitches and concentrate on nice people. The nasty people are all unhappy and they bring everyone down with them. Give them a wide berth and and treat their actions with contempt.

OP - do you work part time? I am also a teacher and when I worked part time, everyone thought I lived the life of Riley and therefore had no right whatsoever to feel human emotions such as unhappiness, anger, jealousy, misery etc. Their viewpoint was always "It's alright for YOU."

Also - and I appreciate this is not the case everywhere, just ime - the T.A.s were the worst at looking at me like shit on their shoe.

I think poisonous workplaces definitely exist - places where everyone is pretty unhappy and this leads to a pervasive negative atmosphere. Are your colleagues happy in their jobs? My wise DMum always says that people who aren't very nice usually are people who aren't very happy, and generally I find this to be true. If it is not a nice place to work, people get grumpy and horrid and form cliques and then before you know where you are, it's just a horrid place and no nice people stick around. If this is your situation OP, get a new job pronto!

Re: not offering you a lift, be aware that doing nice things for people and offering favours is a fairly rare character trait and is very very often not reciprocated. IME most people don't think about others and will happily accept a favour but never offer one - it just wouldn't occur to them. It's not personal, she's just an 'offering favours' type of person (like you seem to be - dropping her off at the airport). I am one of those people who will do favours for all and sundry, but there are very few people I would rely on for a favour in return. I have made my peace with this now, but did spend a long time feeling hurt and offended when I needed something and nobody offered. You have to actually ask if you want a favour IME, very few people will notice that you need one otherwise. If you do ask, most of the time someone will oblige - but the offering part is rare.