to wonder why Iam so unpopular

[marymary40]

Iam sorry about this post and it feels rather teenage girlish and selfindulgent writing it but I just feel so miserable as I just feel so terribly unpopular, Ijust want to go to bed and pull the duvet over my head and cry.

I think I am nice people and I always try to help others out but I just feel so cold shouldered and not liked in general but especially at work.

I frequently walk into the staffroom at work and people stop talking I really Iam not the parniod type - but I just feel sure people are talking about me.

There is a work night out tonight and Iasked a collegue I work closely with if she was going, she said yes and then turned to another collegue and tried to persuade her to go. Surely if someone asks you if you are going to something like this your response would be to return 'are you'. It was just made so clear she did not want to ask that in case I said yes and 'spolit' their night.

Another thing is that no one ever offers to help me out. I was working halfday today it absoletely pouring here. People know I have a 30 minute walk to the train station - someone could of offered a lift - no one did.

There is one woman at work who is out and out rude to me- she just huffs when I speak and when I took my new baby into work she gave the baby a dirty look - others did comment on how rude she was to meon that occasion.

Out of work similar sortof things hav happened recently - I called old friend from uni as I do about once a year for a bit of a chat and catch up. He was not in but I had a chat with his wife (who I also know from years ago- but it the husband that is my main friend) anyway she told me about this reunion weekend people uni had had - I wasnot invited on- she also said she would get her dh to call me back and took my new number - not heard back in a month.

I go to a mums and tots groups on the day I and try to chat to people but no-one ever makes the effort to talk to me.

I think I must be really boring - how do I become more popular (I know that sounds ridculous for a 42 year old woman to say)? I really am so upset by this particularly the work thing.

OP, silly question but have you ever asked about joining in with these nights out? When you hear them talking about one 'Oooh I'd like to come too, when and where shall I meet you all?'. Or maybe organise a night out yourself and invite those that you feel you would like to get to know.

I'm wondering if perhaps because you have a baby they all assume you wouldn't want to/wouldn't be able to go so they don't invite you?

I should say I do have friends- 2close friends I went to school with. One that lives local - who I am actually seeing tonight- so was not free to go on the work night out anyway - it was just the principle of not being asked.

Have you ever been invited on a work night out and said no? Quite often just one 'no thanks' is enough to cut the invites off.

Some workplaces are friendlier than others - some are very cliquey and some are downright poisonous. If your workplace is making you unhappy then apply for new jobs, but if your problem with making friends extends beyond the workplace then think about how you are coming across to others. You don't have to 'put on a front' or be someone else to make friends, you just have to present your friendliest self.

Mother and baby groups are hard work. But we're all in the same boat of needing to make friends with other mothers so perhaps you can be the one to go over and speak to people. You could also pretend to be arranging a meet up with other mothers, such that you can swap numbers or email addresses without the embarrassment (of 'would you like to be my friend' ;) ) - then do this with a few people and you actually can arrange something :)

I think you're reading too much into the uni friends thing. Clearly you haven't stayed in touch with the people who actually organised it, so why would you be invited?

I also agree that it sounds like you work with a bunch of wankers. And that this is affecting your self esteem.

Another thing to think about is that some of us are - or feel - a bit niche. Some people just seem to get on with everybody but we don't. I suspect you need to learn to fake your confidence levels a bit more and work on things that you can draw upon to make yourself into the person who knows how to go up to people and just talk. I think a lot of people fake confidence (aka find ways to overcome shyness/insecurity) and aren't necessarily as confident or likeable as they appear. Learn to fake it, be the one to make the effort, and find a new job.

Meanwhile, if you happen to be in west London then I'm organising a thing with a few mums that you're welcome to come to ;)

Thanks for replying monsterchild - i dont think everyone hates me. I just feel like people would prefer not to spend time with me. I would in someway detract from their night outsenjoyment.

Ahh thank you G1nger one for the offer- Iam in Manchester.

Right off the do some housework - I hope all their hair goes frizzy in the rain on their night out!!! -

Start thinking of it as them doing you a favour- would you really want to spend a night with vile colleagues sitting bitching and being knobbers? If that sounds like an attractive proposal you need your head felt! They just saved you the bother of thinking of an excuse so that you could spend the evening with DD and your loving husband instead

Agree with G1nger, a lot of people have coping mechanisms for social situations, me for one. A woman in work said I seemed like a very confident person, I just barked with laughter!

I know how you feel. Since being bullied a lot as a child I always feel like I'm boring and people don't like me and that everyone is laughing at me behind my back.

Sometimes I'm lucky to work with people who stop me feeling like that, but sometimes I work in a team of people who make me feel it x100!

It's hard, but sometimes I mentally slap myself and tell myself that horrible as it may sounds, they probably aren't talking about me behind my back - they probably aren't even thinking about me at all as soon as I leave their line of vision!

Do you want to spend time with these people or do you just not want to feel left out? Because I suddenly realised that a lot of the people who I thought didn't like me...well in actual fact I didn't like them much either. I liked the idea of being included, but not of spending time with them

I used to work in an environment where no-one was really friendly; there was a bit of a clique which I wasn't in but the whole set-up was very dysfunctional and competitive with the result that it wasn't conducive to forming relationships with each other. Groups used to go out/go to lunch together without inviting me. Then a boss gave me a lot of hassle; I cracked and got a new job. New workplace is much better; everyone gets on really well, really inclusive and lovely to be spending my days with. We actually care about each other- a much healthier environment considering how much or our waking time we spend with each other.

Change in job has transformed my outlook; I am much happier and more confident in myself. Has improved my home life as I no longer come home and whinge about work all evening. I am more confident being friendly with other people outside of work as I am happier in general.

If work is getting you down like that then maybe it's time too elsewhere?

However, I am still a shy person by nature and will never be a social butterfly type. Now on mat leave and starting out on the whole mum and baby thing- am making a real effort to persist with being friendly as it doesn't come naturally. As someone further up has said about themselves I think I come across as guarded, self-sufficient and as though I am not really interested in being friends. It takes hard work on my part to 'pretend' to be friendly and chatty and outgoing etc until I've got to know someone well enough to not have to pretend any more!!

If you have close friends you are likeable.
Are your colleagues older or younger than you? Does the one who gave your baby a filthy look have kids? Might she have been jealous or hurting?
Do you act quiet yourself when you walk into the kitchen or do you cheerfully ask what everyone else is talking about?

Oh dear OP, your work colleagues sound like idiots to be perfectly honest. You are not missing out on their friendship if they are not nice people.

In my experience, I have always found it easy to make friends throughout my life, at school, work, college etc - EXCEPT at the one area where I felt I ought to, which is with other mothers at school. I just have never been able to do it, because it feels forced and I just struggle. On the times where I have gone along to things with other school mums, I haven't enjoyed it because it feels like an obligation. Do you think that if you ease off and stop berating yourself for your perceived unpopularity that friendships may come easier? I bet you're nice, you come across well in your posts so its not you, its them!

I could have written your OP, it reads like my entire life. I found out a few years ago it was because I have AS. I found out many years before that that putting on a more 'girly' voice and acting more vacuous made me more popular. Now I can't be arsed.

I'm shit at making friends and realise it's probably because I've never felt the need. I've got a group of 5 good friends. We all went to school together and still get on. I've made another 2 proper friends since then and that's it really. I've got people I'm friendly with but they know fuck all about me!

I'm sure you're just lovely.

Don't judge yourself, by what your colleagues do or even what you think they might do. Workplaces can be really bitchy, it's no reflection on you apart from you're not joining in which can only be a good thing.

As for no-one offering a lift, did anybody know you needed one, even if they knew you had a walk to the station, sometimes people just don't think. They're not being vindictive, they just don't realise you have a problem.

The woman who was rude to you when you brought your baby in, don't take her problems on to you. Others commented on her behaviour, so it doesn't reflect on you in any way at all.

Your friend that didn't phone, could his wife have made a mistake taking your new number down.

I think you need to realise you're just fine as you are and stop imagining others of having bad intentions that in all probability aren't there.

Wish I could give you a big self esteem injection.

Maybe you are investing your time in the wrong people? Some groups/individuals/work environments are just cliquey and unfriendly.

About the mother and tots group. Don't wait for people to chat to you, chat to everyone you pass and keep trying each week. Ask them about themselves and their kids. Take an interest and be positive in your outlook.

Mary whereabouts in Manchester are? I'm in North Manchester and if you want a meet up or a chat get in touch.

Yes to be honest writing this post has helped i know realise mums and tots and uni friend and just one of those things and work people ate just not the best. Yes mostly 10 year plus younger than me. so maybe that is a factor. the woman that gavemy baby a dirty look is not in with that clique (but her daughter is) she is about 60, so should defknow better.

You have had a lot of good advice on here. What do you think of it? People are being kind to you by taking the time to write. emsyj has said great stuff.

As said above migsy1 Ithink the advice about mum aand tots and uni friend is right definately got more perspective there.

Ihave once said no to a night out -but i have also aid yes on other occasions. And most recently went out with them a month ago. I thought it was a good night out and they enjoyedmy company - how wrong was I????!!!

If you thought it was a good night out and that they enjoyed your company you were probably right. You could be making more of this than there is. Keep smiling - it works wonders.
Good luck.

well obviouly not otherwise they would invite me again!but kindofyou to say XXX

Another Manchester Mumsnetter here, so let me know if you want to meet up for a

Are you sure you're not reading too much into it?
You asked about the night out and weren't invited.

Your conclusion? That your colleagues didn't want you spoiling it for them.

But they might have wrongly assumed you can't make it because:
You have a baby
You don't drive
You live too far away to get a cab home
Whatever.

It just reads from your post that you feel slighted when there may be a more innocent explanation.

Why not suggest having lunch with a colleague? Doesn't have to be expensive or off-site. Jus suggest sharing a sandwich or going out side for lunch in a park and see what happens. You might be surprised.

While you may have many valid points, I can't help feeling you come across a bit sensitive or a bit sorry for yourself and people might pick up on this. For example, if you work only half a day why would you get upset that someone didn't offer you a lift? They are working too and probably have things to do in their lunch hour And it's nothing to do with anything personal to you. With your friend and the invite, why didn't you ring and speak to him? He's a bloke! He probably just didn't think!

Yes, there may he areas you have valid reasons to be 'upset' but if you are coming across as needy or oversensitive it can feel self-absorbed and off-putting to others. It's not always about you is what I'm saying.