to think this is truelly outrageous behaviour and doesnt involve a cloth!

[elizaregina]

Huge problems with PIL for me, who was verbally attacked by them, not only 6 days after giving birth but just over a week after simultaneoulsy loosing my DB. DH who suffered as a child and was in a very bad way when first met him due to them, and now over the years - after initially trying to help them build brigdes have realised its no go and awful to have any dealings at all.

Infact after years of trying to get DH to see them in a diff light - come at them in different ways, I was accused of breaking him up from them, even though he was in counseling due to them when first met him! ..DH had best policy all along! Ie, keep at arms length.

Fil in law is very very tough, robotic business man who is mainly mouthpiece for incredibly rigid and strict german wife....when you go to their house there is a room you are not allowed in, and you are very aware its HER house, and that you WILL be made to be subordinate to HER floor, HER granite work top, HER delicate wood flooring that could WARP at the slightest drip of tea....she is obsessed with cleaning, will bath DD and wash hair and all clothes even if she is only there for a couple of hours and she hasnt seen her for a while. They dont talk to my Dh there just " dont scrape this/dont mark that/ be carful of this....she cried and was highly distressed when DH spilt something on her cream carpets saying" I cant have anyting nice when DH is living here" - she has a house most people would weep at! She has also told DH in the past she knows she is anal but all she has is her house!

anyway - FILS bro is visiting from OS, writes round robin to all fam here - with list of what he wants to do - one thing being for his DS to play with our DD.

DH responds, they communicate - and DH ends up with inviting DU over on sunday am, as thats conveient for him ( DU), in the morning and for lunch and if time play park. No response. But assumed - as his previous mail - was "great - where shall we meet and when" - all was fine. Also we are in between his last place where he will be staying and his new place with PIL. So its very conveint to come to ours then go onto next place 7 miles away!

So to then get another round robin of " final" plans, stating on sunday

"DS and DN playing at PILS, Lunch PILs and perhaps play park where PIL live."
Also a snide comment to all - but we feel aimed at DH - ...." please all reply to all much simpler than invidual emails I have to copy and paste" .
We have given benefit of doubt that he somehow missed invitation to ours on email but in my heart I know he has read it.

he has never been to our house, and we have been here for 6 years, he used to always talk at DH like harry enfield teenager, and seems a bit lost now DH is DH , and Father etc...I thought it was great uncle was coming here to be hosted by us - out of the PIL control zone, and perhaps uncle could see DH in new light and refresh the relationship with maybe more respect for DH!

I just feel uncle has been extraordinarily rude to totally by pass our invite and try and move the action to FILs house.

I have not been to PIL house since they attacked me, and I will not go on sunday. My DH will absoluty not go either without me to take DD!

Why the mention of a cloth?

Never mind emailing, ring him

Does he perhaps just not realise that you have huge problems with the ILs and so he needs to see you all individually.

I'm struggling with the snide interpretation of a request for a blanket email resopnse.

Am I missing something?

Yes perhaps - although he will know FIl dissaproves of DH and myself...probably no gory details though and the extent of it.....

HOwever, he still has an invitation to come to ours between him and DH, that has not been discussed with us - that he isnt coming and totally by passed!

I'm struggling with the snide interpretation of a request for a blanket email resopnse.

Am I missing something?

I am sorry dont know what you mean.

Is a phone call a possibility with timezones and costs? Better for you (or preferably DH) to explain in person that you will not be going round to PILs due to ongoing issues with them, rather than an email.

But if necessary, then do it by email, keeping it simple - "We will not be going to PILs house, and will not be taking dd there. if you'd like to meet up, then we'd be happy to have you round here."

Email / ring and say that it would be better at your house, there are more toys for the children to play with, more child friendly etc etc. be prepared to say that it isn't possible for you to go PILs, no need to give a reason.

Is the Uncle aware of the situation between your family and PILs?

I wouldn't go to PILs and I'm sorry they are such asses.

You maybe have a typo in the thread title? It doesn't make much sense....

Does the cloth thing refer to another thread?

DH has given him the benefit of the doubt and re sent the email with plans to meet at ours etc. so we are awaiting a response to that.

yes could call but dont have Uk no, and would probably have to go through PIL to get it - which wouldnt do.

Also, kinda feel, we have made an arrangemnt with him, why do we need to chase him.

Yes cloth is about another thread on here recently.

They clearly dont want to come to yours, they are clearly a toxic family.

So my question is: WTF? Why are you so keen for contact, when they appear to be such twats?

Stop meddling with your husbands family and let them get on with it.

Just dont reply. You have sent your invite, they have snubbed you. Leave it at this.

Dont try to show anybody what a great man your dh is. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things.

Was that your. 'cloth' thread?

The thread title is a ref to another thread in which a cloth featured heavily :)

I would email the uncle directly explaining that you relationship with the PILs is somewhat fraught and that you're not comfortable going to their house. I can understand your reluctance - I wouldn't want to go there either!

QuintessentialShadows

they are " extremly" snobby, no they wouldnt want to come to our - when thier house is better/bigger and she can cook better.....

I am not that keen for contact with PILS, but wouldnt it be nice for DH to see his uncle? At his house hosting? All his family on FIL and MIL side ALL seem to communciate with him through them, and that in itself leads to control issues, I have tried to encourage him to conact them direclty so he isnt cut off from his family as PIL try to make out I try to do!

This is yet another occasion where I have tried to encourage this - direct contact, thought we had a small break through, uncle coming here etc...then this !

I agree - I would prefer to tell to stuff it, and just not bother...

"The thread title is a ref to another thread in which a cloth featured heavily smile"

I could go into detail on MILs use of cloths, one placed on top of tea towl, on top of doormat - or cloths for glasses, cloths for cups and cloths for the table etc....

Personally I use paper towls and wipes.

Um.

Because I saw no snideness in the comment to just "please reply to all".

I think there must be more to it, to thnik that comment was a snidey comment.

Why would you push for dh to have contact when you know his family are horrible?! That's just bizarre. You do know that every invitation snubbed, every contact dismissed and every visit in which your dh is made to feel unimportant will open up a whole new can of worms for dh. This could affect him in a big way and youre just pushing him to meet them?!! Im quite shocked at your behaviour. They make him unhappy. Just leave it for the sake of your husbands sanity!!

It sounds to me as though the PIL have hi-jacked the event. Is the uncle aware of just how bad things are between PIL and you and DH, because he might not be. I think DH should put him in the picture and be very clear that he, you and DD will not be going to PIL, Uncle is welcome to visit you at your home in the morning as originally offered, but that is it.

Is it likely that he is now staying at PIL home if he wasn't originally, so feels he has to do things the way they want, a victim of their micro managing everyone?

And for the record, no grandparents deserve to have a relationship with their grandchildren if they behave so dreadfully to their parents. Their loss.

You (DH really) need to contact him directly and explain that there have been problems with PILs. Uncle probably knows what they are like - he can then decide either to be in contact with your DH directly, or to "take their side/keep the peace" by not doing so. And then you'd know where you stand.

Same for everyone else on his side of the family - contact them directly when you want to tell them something or arrange to see them. If they don't respond, or copy in the PILs then you can stop trying to keep in touch with them.

Uncle may be getting a very skewed idea about the situation from PILs - "Oh eliza is being odd again, don't let her isolate DH from us" which is why I think it needs to be dealt with by your DH - if he can say, calmly and clearly, that their behaviour has been terrible and he is keeping contact to a minimum, in a way which convinces Uncle he's sincere, then there is a chance of having some kind of contact with him away from them.

Getagrip

I'm struggling with the snide interpretation of a request for a blanket email resopnse.

Am I missing something?

Sorry!!! Yes we feel its snide because FIL and other uncles replied to all, DH however wrote private email to Uncle to arrange for visit here, as a pre emptive strike I suppose agaisnt excaclty what has happened....ie FIL stick oar in, undermine us and shift action to his house where UNcle will be staying for three days.

Get your DH to phone his uncle. Explain that he's not getting on well with his parents, and that his parents don't really let children play/have fun because his mother is obsessed with keeping the house clean. Stress that if they do relocate to PIL, DN will have a terrible time, get him to say that he won't bring his children to that house again, but if DU wants to meet, he'll go along, or meet DU another time in his visit. Get him to stress how DN will be expected to act like a mini adult, not like a child and how horrible it will be for DN.

Then sit back, don't go, wait to hear how terrible the visit has been. People like your MIL can't help themselves, they are terrible to all DCs.

A phone call can't be forwarded on to PILs too. Also hasn't realised DU will be staying at PILs house for 3 days with his child! The family might be desparate for an escape after 24 hours!

YABU with your thread title. Bad form.

"DS and DN playing at PILS, Lunch PILs and perhaps play park where PIL live." - are you sure that DU isn't still coming to yours and dropping his DC at your PILs?

The e-mail been re-sent - all you can do is wait to see if it was an oversight or not.

If it wasn't forget it and try and do something nice that day instead. You could try ringing the uncle and explain but I doubt it would do any good and it would be obvious by repeatedly ignoring your wishes that he'd been told a tale which he believes.

If the do go to your PIL I can't image they'll have a great time with a young DC and a house kept that immaculate - they may be more understanding afterwards and you can then think if you want to get in touch or not.