to think this is truelly outrageous behaviour and doesnt involve a cloth!

[elizaregina]

Huge problems with PIL for me, who was verbally attacked by them, not only 6 days after giving birth but just over a week after simultaneoulsy loosing my DB. DH who suffered as a child and was in a very bad way when first met him due to them, and now over the years - after initially trying to help them build brigdes have realised its no go and awful to have any dealings at all.

Infact after years of trying to get DH to see them in a diff light - come at them in different ways, I was accused of breaking him up from them, even though he was in counseling due to them when first met him! ..DH had best policy all along! Ie, keep at arms length.

Fil in law is very very tough, robotic business man who is mainly mouthpiece for incredibly rigid and strict german wife....when you go to their house there is a room you are not allowed in, and you are very aware its HER house, and that you WILL be made to be subordinate to HER floor, HER granite work top, HER delicate wood flooring that could WARP at the slightest drip of tea....she is obsessed with cleaning, will bath DD and wash hair and all clothes even if she is only there for a couple of hours and she hasnt seen her for a while. They dont talk to my Dh there just " dont scrape this/dont mark that/ be carful of this....she cried and was highly distressed when DH spilt something on her cream carpets saying" I cant have anyting nice when DH is living here" - she has a house most people would weep at! She has also told DH in the past she knows she is anal but all she has is her house!

anyway - FILS bro is visiting from OS, writes round robin to all fam here - with list of what he wants to do - one thing being for his DS to play with our DD.

DH responds, they communicate - and DH ends up with inviting DU over on sunday am, as thats conveient for him ( DU), in the morning and for lunch and if time play park. No response. But assumed - as his previous mail - was "great - where shall we meet and when" - all was fine. Also we are in between his last place where he will be staying and his new place with PIL. So its very conveint to come to ours then go onto next place 7 miles away!

So to then get another round robin of " final" plans, stating on sunday

"DS and DN playing at PILS, Lunch PILs and perhaps play park where PIL live."
Also a snide comment to all - but we feel aimed at DH - ...." please all reply to all much simpler than invidual emails I have to copy and paste" .
We have given benefit of doubt that he somehow missed invitation to ours on email but in my heart I know he has read it.

he has never been to our house, and we have been here for 6 years, he used to always talk at DH like harry enfield teenager, and seems a bit lost now DH is DH , and Father etc...I thought it was great uncle was coming here to be hosted by us - out of the PIL control zone, and perhaps uncle could see DH in new light and refresh the relationship with maybe more respect for DH!

I just feel uncle has been extraordinarily rude to totally by pass our invite and try and move the action to FILs house.

I have not been to PIL house since they attacked me, and I will not go on sunday. My DH will absoluty not go either without me to take DD!

I have say the Uncle is going to be closer to his brother, your FIL, and perhaps understandably take 'their side' and if they are stopping in their house fit round them rather than risk upsetting hosts.

Three days in a house with some one obsessively house proud - bet you get a phone call about dropping round.

You (DH really) need to contact him directly and explain that there have been problems with PILs. Uncle probably knows what they are like - he can then decide either to be in contact with your DH directly, or to "take their side/keep the peace" by not doing so. And then you'd know where you stand.

Well i think he has already done this by snubbing our invite.

I have said to DH should he call/email about still going to PIL Dh MUST say - no, there are problems, we are not going there.

Uncle will definalty be getting skewed messages about me, which is why I was delighted when he was supposed to be coming here to all start afresh as it were. BUT if he doesnt want too, i dont care.

DH DP are horrid - rest of family OK ISH.

What the hell has the cloth got to do with anything?

It's another thread FaceForRadio about IL and family.

I've read your other thread and I've got only one advice: detach.
Why does it worry you so much?
They sound difficult, and I suspect you will never have a good relationship with any of them. So stop trying to figure them out. Let DH handle his family, take a back seat, and live your own life.

I think he may not have meant to snub your invite - he may think he's being sensible by making it a round robin, if he's fielding emails from different family members and feels he's having to coordinate everything separately. But then I don't know him, so if you think it's a snub then you're working from more knowledge of him so you may well be right.

If it's a deliberate snub, then DH just has to say/email "No, we won't be doing that. Have a nice stay." and then leave them all to it.

OP

PHONE
5 minutes on the phone to Oz (call at 10pm our time, breakfast for them)
of actually hearing each others voices, tone, laughing, the whole shebang
will sort ALL of this without anybody needing to get het up
and will cost you less than £5

surely has to be worth reducing the poison in your family relationships.

catus another thread? Where is the other thread, is there a link?

I have say the Uncle is going to be closer to his brother, your FIL, and perhaps understandably take 'their side' and if they are stopping in their house fit round them rather than risk upsetting hosts.

Three days in a house with some one obsessively house proud - bet you get a phone call about dropping round.

YES very true re - closer to his Db than DN.

Quite tellingly this time round - DU has actally chosen to spend most time at another Db house not FIL!!! They are leaving DB1 on sunday - supposed to be stoping via us - on way to DB2 - FIL for the rest of time here.

The only problem is - which is and isnt a problem is that FIL will now be on a usual steam roller mission to pound DH to take DD over there, with emails and calls. Which we shall of course ignore.

Luckily there isnt much occasion now where we would all have to meet - the last GP on thier side sadly passed last NOV< the issues up to the funeral were so horrendous - DH and I were prescribed diazipam to cope with them.Its all very akward but if they cant be bothered to get to know us - and me outside PIL total control zone there is nothing we can do.

OP
Stop telling us about it.
Either phone the buggers and sort it or learn to let it wash over you.

Sorry, I don't know how to do links. The title was something like AIBU to think my IL's behaviour towards me is atrocious? The OP made one mistake on that thread, bless her, and that was to mention a special lovely M&S tea towel.

I didn't see it as a snub, as the round robin said about doing the same things as your invite: visit lunch and play in the park.
I bet he thinks he's accepted your invite.
I really think that as far as your DHs uncle is concerned, he wants to see as much of family as possible within a time limit, he's coming all the way from Oz and you're just 7 miles up the road from his brother's.
It seems he just doesn't know that's not possible because of your problems.

The next stage - if our instincts are right - and it wasnt a genuine mistake will be a barrage from FIL to force DH and DD over to thiers....

if uncle joins in - it wil be a case of - sorry no can do - more than welcome here but not going there.

poor DH!!!! he is treated with such disdain, if it wasnt for DD they wouldnt be bothering with us anyway.

I was in two minds about inviting uncle anyway - as I do get feeling he is swayed by PIL HOWEVER, as he has never really met me or chatted or infact DH since his depression, I thought, maybe we would turn a corner and If he is still swayed and doesnt like so be it....

OP, really these problems exist for one reason : you see them as such and take them to heart. Don't. Stop thinking about it, and everything will become much easier.

Sandalwood Thu 05-Jul-12 14:28:27

I didn't see it as a snub, as the round robin said about doing the same things as your invite: visit lunch and play in the park.
I bet he thinks he's accepted your invite.

He isnt coming from OZ< from europe, sorry I must have made a typo somewhere.

The round robin clearly states the town where PIls live - repeated about four times. Agree there " could" be confusion but in my heart I doubt it. DS will be playing with DN at X, lunch at X, perhaps play park at X. with PIL> in our invite it was VERY CLEAR - it was at our house with us - then onto X place.

" FIL will now be on a usual steam roller mission to pound DH to take DD over there, with emails and calls. Which we shall of course ignore."

I can see that would be a problem even with you both in agreement to ignore. Its not letting them windy you up and you end up giving them head space easy to say hard to do.

I assume you have caller ID to screen calls and therefore not take them, E-mails just delete without reading or more drastically change e-mail addresses ?

OP

PHONE
5 minutes on the phone to Oz (call at 10pm our time, breakfast for them)
of actually hearing each others voices, tone, laughing, the whole shebang
will sort ALL of this without anybody needing to get het up
and will cost you less than £5

surely has to be worth reducing the poison in your family relationships.

I dont feel comfortable phoning uncle at the moment.....he is coming from europe not OZ and is already here at another brothers.... will wait and see whether it was genuine error or whether he is now on board FIL gravey train to try and MAKE dh AND dd go there instead....

It could cause more problems if uncle which i have a feeling he will - will do this..

Hexenbiest Thu 05-Jul-12 14:31:41

" FIL will now be on a usual steam roller mission to pound DH to take DD over there, with emails and calls. Which we shall of course ignore."

I can see that would be a problem even with you both in agreement to ignore. Its not letting them windy you up and you end up giving them head space easy to say hard to do.

I assume you have caller ID to screen calls and therefore not take them, E-mails just delete without reading or more drastically change e-mail addresses ?

YES will do all of that, its just I am 22 weeks pregnant and feeling emotional anyway and THEY spoilt my last preg so much and the birth of my DD that it upsets me that such a SIMPLE and straightforward arrangemnet which has nothing to do with them....has been interefered with - and as much as I try not - does cause me anxiety! ( they dont know I am preg btw!). i am sure I will get over it later on, but last night I couldnt sleep because of it, and all the past problems surronding us.

Please, just get your DH to call his DB and then you will know what the actual plans are. Presumably DH had these high cleanliness standards imposed upon him and his DB when they were young so they will both be aware of what MIL is likely to be like with children around.

You'll sleep better when it's sorted out.

Why do I have a funny feeling that it's religion that's at the heart of this (i.e. you are not of the religion that they would have chosen for their DH)?

pippop1

Why do I have a funny feeling that it's religion that's at the heart of this (i.e. you are not of the religion that they would have chosen for their DH)?

Its DH uncle not his brother.

No religion at all, none of us are particulary religous - they are totally ANTI religion, I take on board all the good bits of it or try too. I have enrolld my DD at a religous school as I like the whole encompass of morality etc.

FWIW - their religion literally is MONEY! they dont like me - because I do not earn alot of money. they are dreadfully dissaspointed in DH because inspite of an expensive education - he does not earn alot of money. We are the loosers....the useless ones. This was confirmed to me by a family friend who said that SIL banker DH was EVERYTHING they wanted DH to be....

SIL on the other hand - banker = good return investment!

You do need to stop letting this get to you.

What do you hope for from Uncle? What does DH hope for from him? Do you want to see him and DN, or do you think it's all just utterly pointless to bother trying?

If you want to see him - DH should email (am I understanding right that he doesn't have the number for his brother where uncle is staying?) and explain, clearly, that you are not going to be visiting PILs house under any circumstances, and that if he would like to meet up, then it will have to be elsewhere, and not include PILs.

If not, well, tbh probably the same email, but with less offer to meet up elsewhere.

Once that's been said, loud and clear, you will be able to assess from his reaction whether he's snubbing you or not. You can then develop a proper separate relationship with him, or leave him to the joy of his brother and SIL.

What you must not do is let them drag you deeper and deeper into caring about what they do - you'll never win, the only solution is to decide not to play their games.

I get why you are upset. My Ils were a nightmare during first pg and afterwards so much so we didn't tell them about second pg till very late. We had some very difficult years but they clearly adored the DC and my IL were not as bad as yours sound and we've managed to find ways to get along.

You need to work on not thinking about them , get your DH to deal or not deal with his family especially while your are pregnant and not moan to you and upset you.

Some techniques for not thinking - picture them on your shoulder and them flick them off - picture them in your mind a picture in a frame frame with pastel colors - picture it getting smaller then disappearing or screw it up. Sounds crap but I found theses things surprisingly helpful.

I hope you mange to enjoy the rest of your pg.

I am surprised your DH doesn't have his other uncle's phone number. He might not be checking email everyday if he's doing other stuff with family and a quick call to other uncle would've solved most of the problem.

On a side note: when I had to babysit my niece (7 months) for a few days while my sister and husband attended a very close relative's funeral, I bathe her every day, watched her hair every day, and before her parents came home, washed her clothes (not every day). Did I do something wrong here?

I understand it's difficult. Especially as you're pregnant (congratulations!).
But it looks like you can't fix it. Some things in life you can't fix, as much as we try. You can't make them into reasonable people, because they don't want to be reasonable. They probably enjoy winding you up, too.
So please, do yourself a favour and stop bothering about them and their behaviour. See them when you have to. Be polite and pleasant, and go back to your life. You only have one, don't waste it on them.

elizaregina - What does your husband want?

It's obviously stressing you out and you don't need the stress. It should be a nice and lovely experience to see you inlaws. If it isn't, then just don't go to this event. It's not worth the heartache and how you will feel afterwards for ages.

And if your DH WANTS to see this Uncle very much, let HIM reach out and do the organising of a get together, at a mutually convenient time and place. If it doesn't happen because Uncle doesn't want to or can't then so be it. At least you tried.

Seriously, not worth wasting your precious time and energies over. I'm sure you have much more important things to get on with.

I completely understand how you feel and care about what other family members say about you and your husband but SO WHAT? Leave the gossip/sniping/slandering at their doorstep - leave them be and get on with your life.

Not sure if that was helpful or not but hug to you.