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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not really feel 'love' for DS?

56 replies

Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:14

Have name-changed for this, as I'm very ashamed of these feelings. I'm not sure if this is normal 2nd-time-around newborn stuff or what.

DS is 7 weeks old. I also have an almost 2 year old DD. I feel very differently towards DS than I did with DD at this age. I don't feel that rush of love when I see him (i'm a SAHM so I see him a lot!)
When he cries (generally for food - he's ebf - although night-times he's insatiable) I don't rush to pick him up like I did with DD. I get quite annoyed with him when he does cry or can't settle.

When he smiles at me I feel like a fraud when I smile back, as I don't feel like I mean it :(

Generally he's quite an easy-going baby, spends lots of time in the sling while I get stuff done in the house or with DD.

I've suffered recently from the effects of sleep deprivation so I'm aware that some of this might be down to that; but how normal is it to feel like this? Does it get better with time? I already feel guilty for not enjoying him as much as I do DD.

OP posts:
TheSpokenNerd · 04/07/2012 21:16

You're twice as tired now as you were when you had DD. Not ALL babies bring that rush...they're different and it will get better is my bet. DO you fee ok otherwise?

thisisyesterday · 04/07/2012 21:17

I do think it's different when you have your second baby, simply because you've done it before and it is not quite so new and exciting and awe-inspiring as the first time round.
Plus the sleepless nights, plus looking after a toddler and generally being worn out..

JustFabulous · 04/07/2012 21:19

YANBU

Having a baby is monumental and you could still be in a state of shock at your family doubling over night.

Have you talked to anyone about how you feel? Do you think you might have the baby blues? I am sure you are knackered and I would suggest you worry less about your love or not for the baby and concentrate on caring for yourself and your children. You do love him. It is just different that is all.

Noqontrol · 04/07/2012 21:20

Ah, I felt a little like this when I had dc2. Dc1 was just over two as well. It was a mixture of exhaustion, guilt over thinking I was neglecting dc1 and simply not having enough time to do anything but the basics. But Dc2 grew on me, massively, over time. After I had got into more of a routine and started getting a bit more sleep. Not sure if it's normal or not, but it was like that for me anyway.

Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:21

I often feel I just go through the motions with him: clean nappy, check. Winded, check. Fed, check. Bath, when I remember check.
Lots of kisses & cuddles? Nope. Sad

OP posts:
WiddyWid · 04/07/2012 21:26

You have a new baby, and 2 year old to look after, the hideous sleep deprivation, and the adjustment of having 2 kids to balance when before it has only been one to give devoted attention to, the guilt about the impact of no 2 on no 1 etc, working out the new family balance. SO much to think about and work through. Don't feel guilty or bad - it'll come. Just relax and take your time getting to know him. I found having two is really really hard, and my love for my second took longer to come because everything was so overwhelmingly hectic. Keep an eye on any baby blues.

numbum · 04/07/2012 21:27

Second babies are (IME) a lot more draining and bring more emotions. You don't get the 'sleep when they sleep' thing you get with your first. You get 2 DC demanding your attention and feel guilty giving it to the youngest one first because the older one has been used to getting all your attention. I had DD when DS was 20 months and I really resented her Sad taking mine and DS' relationship away. It does get better though I promise. My two are both at school now and I wish they were babies again...and I can't imagine life without them both!

It will suddenly click, it might take months but you'll get there

Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:28

Thanks for the replies. It's just so goddam relentless

OP posts:
Imsosorryalan · 04/07/2012 21:29

You are totally normal! I was very worried about my feelings in particular for dd1 when dd2 was born , again not the rush of love as I suppose you don't just get to sit and enjoy every little move and look. But now I'm almost guilty of preferring to spend more time with dd2 than 1! I'm working on this Sad

Wigglewoo · 04/07/2012 21:32

Yanbu. I am having this too. My ds is 3 weeks old and I struggle to enjoy him. My dd is 9 - so massive age gap- and I miss it being just us, the ease of not having to plan everything, the fussing and crying really goes through me this time. I find myself getting really irritated. In fact in "hiding" upstairs now while dh settles him after I said I was going to the loo...

I hope it passes. Ds was a much wanted child, I just keep imagining him as old as my dd. That's the only thing that's keeping me going.

The lack of sleep is killing me too. I've gone from having 8 hours peace a night to getting up every two hours. I hate it. I find no joy whatsoever in the newborn stage. I am doing everything I should do - including the cuddles and the cooing - but I'm pissed off.

There. I wasn't helpful was I. But at leas you know you're not alone. And I don't have pnd either. I don't think you have to have post natal depression because you don't like having a newborn. You can want the child and enjoy the child stage without liking them when all they do is feed, sleep and eat non bloody stop.

Imsosorryalan · 04/07/2012 21:32

Also to add, the first 2 months or so were just such a middle of managing 2. I remember being very crossword friends and family with 2 for not warning me how hard it was!Blush

Imsosorryalan · 04/07/2012 21:34

Damn auto sp. *muddle

Migsy1 · 04/07/2012 21:35

I felt like that with DS2. It was like I was looking after somebody else's baby. When he started doing more stuff and showed a personality I started to love him more. I love him to bits now :)

Iggly · 04/07/2012 21:35

Have a chat with your HV or try that online PND questionnaire.

I only say that because I have had my second 7 months ago with a 2 year age gap and did feel the rush of love for her as I did with my first. It was different but was there. Then I got very down and felt a bit detached from her - I did the questionnaire and came out as high for PND. Several times I almost went to the GP but things are better now so I haven't.

Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:36

Wigglewoo your post is how I feel. I'm so pissed off! It's affecting my relationship with DH too.
I'm glad I'm 'normal' though Confused Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:40

Yy Migsy - I'm desperate for his personality to come through. All I see atm is tiny boring baby that feeds, sleeps if I'm lucky and cries for more feeding and sleeping.
Hopefully in a few months it'll be better.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 04/07/2012 21:42

You poor thing. Second DC's are much harder as you have to continue two sets of parenting. It can really take a toll on the parent who gets unbroken sleep. I would recommend speaking to the HV and also giving yourself time to get used to DS. He is a whole new person, who has needs and a different personality too.

I couldn't tell you if it was PND or just exhaustion, but it took me a long time to adore DD, and she is fabulous. Whether I felt that way at seven weeks I honestly don't remember.

But I remember needing to love her than actually loving her. Which seems odd now. Please be kind to yourself there is a lot to deal with having two little ones. I hope your DP is supportive and helping you too.

bitbewildered · 04/07/2012 21:45

It's bloody exhausting having a toddler and a newborn. Totally takes over your whole life. It got better for me (DD 3 next week, DS 17mths), but I'm not sure when. I suppose just gradually got easier and then I got to enjoy them both more.

Donteventhinkaboutit · 04/07/2012 21:50

I don't think you should worry unless you start too feel properly depressed. It sound very normal and familiar to me. Some kids are just more endearing than others but it doesn't mean you actually love them less. However, I expect the reason that you feel this way is just that you are tired. It is very very understandable. Ask for practical help if you can, don't try to be superwoman and give yourself a whole lot of slack.
Ps. Congrats on the birth of baby No 2. Smile

Vixxen · 04/07/2012 21:55

Can't imagine how hard it is to go from 1 to 2. You sound like you need a good break. Could anyone take the little ones for you just for an afternoon or evening so you can catch up on sleeping and enjoy a little bit of you time? A few hours just recharging your batteries might help!

All sounds normal to me, and you appear to be coping well but remember, if you start to feel worse speak to the health visitor or doctor!

Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:57

Ah see he's very endearing - looks very much like his sister did at his age Smile
Everyone coos & tells me how gorgeous he is. I kinda smile & nod but can't get as excited as I ought.

OP posts:
kotinka · 04/07/2012 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

holyfishnets · 04/07/2012 21:58

I had that with my second. My love for him blossomed slowly but is there 150% now. Just adore him now. Lack of sleep and managing a toddler makes things more difficult. Just be kind to yourself and things will get better in time

Original poster
Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 22:00

I can't be away from DS for more than a few hours as he's bf. I cannot be arsed with expressing - tried that with DD & she refused all bottles with endless screaming Sad

OP posts:
EugenesAxe · 04/07/2012 22:03

I think it's quite normal - talk to your HV about it of course and she will hopefully keep an eye on you and make sure you aren't getting depressed.

If it's any consolation, my DD (DC2) was 8 months yesterday and those months have whizzed by in comparison to DS. Whatever you are going through now will be over sooner than you think. Do whatever you can to make things easier for you and don't feel guilty.

One thing a poster said to me that helped a lot (as I seemed to never get time to bath DD in those early weeks) was to bath them together. I started this from about 6 weeks - it meant she always had a dunk (I would give her pretty much exactly that and a wipe over, then dress her in the bathroom while DS played in the bath) and I fell into a routine for her. It felt like DS' life was far more ordered but actually, I've found routines for second children just kind of materialise around those you already keep for your first.

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