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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not really feel 'love' for DS?

56 replies

Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 21:14

Have name-changed for this, as I'm very ashamed of these feelings. I'm not sure if this is normal 2nd-time-around newborn stuff or what.

DS is 7 weeks old. I also have an almost 2 year old DD. I feel very differently towards DS than I did with DD at this age. I don't feel that rush of love when I see him (i'm a SAHM so I see him a lot!)
When he cries (generally for food - he's ebf - although night-times he's insatiable) I don't rush to pick him up like I did with DD. I get quite annoyed with him when he does cry or can't settle.

When he smiles at me I feel like a fraud when I smile back, as I don't feel like I mean it :(

Generally he's quite an easy-going baby, spends lots of time in the sling while I get stuff done in the house or with DD.

I've suffered recently from the effects of sleep deprivation so I'm aware that some of this might be down to that; but how normal is it to feel like this? Does it get better with time? I already feel guilty for not enjoying him as much as I do DD.

OP posts:

MulberryMoon · 04/07/2012 22:07

Don't worry. I felt exactly the same with my first and second. First one it was love at first sight and second one it took time and built up gradually, but i love her to bits now. We got there in the end and you will too! :) Don't be hard on yourself.

Original poster

Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 22:08

I like the idea of bathing them together although DD goes a bit nuts in the bath so he'd probably get a thorough cleaning

OP posts:

bitbewildered · 04/07/2012 22:21

What does your DD think of him? My DD was very sweet with DS and I was very grateful for that!

Bathing together was (and still is) great, as the little ones really only need a quick dip. Now they have massive splash-fests!

Original poster

Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 22:33

DD is very sweet & affectionate with him, thankfully. She even dragged carried my basket today in Boots as I had DS in the sling & stuff in my hands .
God knows how people cope with not-so-loving older siblings!
She does get a bit jealous though, especially at bedtimes (when all hell broke loose today) - its tricky to know who to deal with first

OP posts:

SelfishCrocodile · 04/07/2012 22:39

I felt very similar when my DD was born. I did love her but not in the way I felt for DS (who was also just over 2 at the time) I was eventually diagnosed with PND but I can remember lying awake sobbing and panicking over things like car accidents and house-fires because I felt so bad that I'd want to save DS first.

It does comes with time, the love; their personalities start to show and you eventually emerge from that new baby sleepless fog and slowly you realise the love is there, just the same and that having 2 or more doesn't dilute anything you feel for either of them. Be gentle with yourself, speak to your HV if you feel you need more support but as long as you are caring for your DS, he'll be just fine.

DD is 6 now and is the light of my life in a totally different way to DS.

EclecticShock · 04/07/2012 22:42

I'm going to go against popular opinion and say I don't think your feelings are typical and maybe you should speak to your HV. Sleep deprivation and goning birth can mess with your hormones and mind. You need support right now, please seek it out. Hope it allows well for you.

thebody · 04/07/2012 22:44

It's ok, it is what it is and it will get better.

Felt like this with ds1 and dd3, cared for them and went through motions.

Dc2 and dd4 total utter love at once.

Wierd and don't know why.

Adore all of them now if course.

Don't worry and try to get babysitter so you can sleep, xx

ImaCleverClogs · 04/07/2012 22:58

Well you say he is not getting a lot of kisses and cuddles but you've got him in the sling so he is getting body contact with you.

I know it is a lot more busy with 2 but do you get time to pop him against your knees while up on the sofa and have a wee chat, sing, smile whatever you can manage. This was recommened to me by a therapist when I did not bond with my ds (ptsd from his birth). Do not berate yourself if it doesn't happen but congratulate yourself when it does. Even just for two minutes to start with.

bitbewildered · 04/07/2012 23:05

It's a constant juggling act. I used to get tunnel vision and just deal with whatever mayhem was in front of me. DD was very good, but only 19mths when DS came along so couldn't understand why I was constantly feeding him when she wanted me to play with her. Very tough, but, on the whole, all fine now. Do see your HV if you feel you should, though. No personal experience of PND, but friends who have all say they wish they'd got help sooner.

Original poster

Snozcumbers · 04/07/2012 23:07

I'm to say I forget to talk to him as much as I should, as I'm always talking/singing to DD. Or I can change his nappy without saying a word just to get it finished.
You're right though, I should make time to do this, even a few minutes a day.

OP posts:

ohmysilverballs · 04/07/2012 23:09

I found it much harder with dc2 as it is just so special with your first and you can never get that same feeling again. I have three now and the love I feel for them all is equal but at the same time different. Don't worry about it it will all come together in the end.

thebody · 04/07/2012 23:11

Snoz all this will pass and before you know it he will be a strapping lad hugging you and eating you out of house and home.

Please don't worry or feel guilty but do talk to Hv, these negative feelings are a lot more commen than people admit to IMO.

Now you should be in bed..

tethersend · 04/07/2012 23:13

Christ, me too!

DD2 is 6 weeks old, and I still do not have the rush of love I had with DD1- however, I had PND with DD1 and I am enjoying this time round so much more. No sight of PND (as yet), and a chilled out baby who I am growing to love a bit more each day.

Keep going through the motions- perhaps work in a couple of kisses and cuddles after the nappy change, no matter how forced. They don't know you don't feel it yet, as long as you meet their physical and emotional needs.

I honestly prefer it this time round in so many ways. I am too knackered to lie awake at night checking her breathing I am certain that I will adore both of my children equally, and am looking forward to it developing IYSWIM.

ZenNudist · 04/07/2012 23:15

I think you need to give yourself a break. I only have 1 ds but I don't recall feeling a rush of love that early on. More like a rush of emotion and terrible fear in case anything bad happened to him or dh. I just think at 7wo it's too early to feel anything rational & coherent. You've got so much on your plate. I think you also look back at how much you now love your dc1 and project that onto your dc2. It can't & won't measure up, give it time & it will. In the meantime keep going. You already know things get so much better. The first 12 weeks have got to be the worst!

lovebunny · 04/07/2012 23:19

you're tired and possibly starting with pnd. from people who have them (i only have one and she's grown up), i've heard that second babies get far less attention than pfbs - because you just don't have the time. don't judge how you feel now by how you felt when you only had one.

lovebunny · 04/07/2012 23:21

oh, and i don't think i smiled at my loved one for the first six weeks - i didn't have any experience of babies and i don't spend a lot of time smiling. but we both smile beautifully now. so don't worry about it! but it might account for why she always looked worried - that's probably how i looked when looking at her...

flyingspaghettimonster · 05/07/2012 00:12

I have pmed you. I would seek help from your GP and therapy if possible, because I didn't get any help and it really caused me terrible issues with my 2nd child. Even now, 6 years on, we are not fully there and it breaks my heart.

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2012 00:17

I've two things to say to you, from experience, sadly.

fake it until you make it. Talk to him, smile at him, big exaggerated smiles. Tell him how wonderful he is. Treat him as you would want him to be treated if he was adopted.
see your doctor and ask for help. I felt like you did and it was PND. I asked for help (in the end) and got ADs - everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - improved. I looked at him and realised I loved him. I wish I'd seen the doctor earlier.

nothingoldcanstay · 05/07/2012 00:56

It may surprise you to know that people can grow up well and happy without total devotion from their mothers from day one. In fact lots of children do better if a parent dies. This doesn't help you if you want to fully love your child I know, but just stop obliged to be feeling the parent guilt about this. Some societies don't name their children till a year old because they don't live that long. Don't think that being a mother is all about hallmark perfect love because that's not right either, it's an ideal (and you only have to look at "perfect mothers" with money or fame to see they get it wrong a lot too).

Every child I have ever known thinks their parents are unreasonable and

embarrassing whether their parents have done an amazing or a crap job. Just do the right thing by your child and it'll be fine.

sesameflower · 05/07/2012 01:24

I think you have the start of PND. Best talk to someone before it gets Worse.
I hope it improves for you. Once the hard slog is over the love will come.

Tanith · 05/07/2012 02:00

Please don't feel ashamed - this is so common and it sounds like you're having a bad enough time without the guilt.
Do talk to someone and make sure your HV or doctor is aware, though.

Poor you - it will get better.

Original poster

Snozcumbers · 05/07/2012 03:42

Thanks for the recent replies. I guess it's been hard for me to know how seriously to take my feelings as a lot of it could be simply down to sleep deprivation.
My doctor knows I had problems last year so would take me seriously if I said I was struggling again...I'll see how it goes now for a few weeks first.

OP posts:

SchrodingersMew · 05/07/2012 04:08

I really don't think it's helpful to tell someone who possibly has the beginnings of PND that "some children do better if a parent dies".

OP, I only have DS, he's 9 months old and I only started feeling that rush of love thing a couple of months ago and sometimes still hs cries go right through me and I get really irritated and almost had to walk out of the room the other night because he was screaming because I took phone from him.

You should maybebtry speaking to a friend or your GP just in case.

Donteventhinkaboutit · 05/07/2012 09:52

Having a little laugh at the time that snozcumbers and schrodengersmew posted their messages.......those were the days.

Anyway snozcumbers 'wait and see' seems like a perfectly good plan. It does all change so quickly. I hope you have a lovely day.

MagicHouse · 05/07/2012 10:03

I felt very like you at first. I had (still have) such an incredible bond with my dd, and knew I didn't feel the same for my ds. I just thought life had become so, so difficult, compared to life with just DD.
But now he's two and all that love has gradually snuck up on me. I love him to pieces. I can't imagine life without either of them.
I think the newborn stage is pretty awful (even with DD, thinking back, I found the newborn baby bit exhausting and upsetting as she never slept). But it will pass, and I'd put bets on it that you will feel very differently when he gets a bit more independent and communicates more with you. (No help now I know)

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