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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to my grandfathers funeral.

64 replies

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 09:59

I am currently 32 wks pg. My Grandfather has recently died. He was ill for quite some time, so altho sad, it was expected. Tbh i am relieved for him. It was awful at the end and he would have hated to have been like that.

Anyway, the funeral has been arranged for over 4 weeks time so i will be approaching 37wks. It is a 3 hour drive away, so would be a 6 hour round trip.

I mentioned to my Mum i might not be up to it, thinking she may have already worked this out, and she was horrified.

I don't drive so DP would have to take a day off work (not easy as he is taking Pat leave too and does not have much A/L) to drive me. DP has never met anyone in my family apart from my parents. (Obviously we are not close at all).

If DP cannot drive me it will be about 4 hours on 3 trains and 2 tubes each way.

I am enormous and uncomfortable now, so i can't imagine how i am going to feel either sitting in a car for 6 hours or traipsing around on trains.

Bit of back story too - GF was not a nice or easy man and was never remotely interested in me. He made an absolute scene at my wedding (Narc who made everything about himself) and in newspaper interviews often forgot he even had me as a gc - showing photos of my cousins and saying he had 7 not 8 gc etc.

Anyway, how robust should i be about not going? Or should i just go? Am i being precious? Go on tell me i'm being a selfish mare...

OP posts:

bejeezus · 04/07/2012 10:01

no, I dont think you need to go
its just a ceremony/a day...if he is/were a nice man you can rmember him in other ways. As he wasnt....meh

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:03

I don't think you should attend, no. If you weren't close to him then your health is much more important, however I can appreciate your mum's feelings. If you can't say no to her then ask her to take you or invent midwife appt/mild tummy contractions (they can turn out to be Braxton Hicks if need be) or something pg related that means it would not be safe for you to travel.

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:04

Oh also tell her you will mark the occasion at home, by lighting a candle perhaps or having some time to reflect on the man he was etc etc etc

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:05

Oh sorry, Mum doesn't live anywhere near me or where the funeral is being held either, so it would be a 3 hour journey to mums then another journey in her car to the funeral.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 04/07/2012 10:07

The funeral is about the mourners saying goodbye and sharing happy memories. It's about recognising someone's life and getting 'closure'.

If you're not mourning and don't have happy memories; if you don't want to acknowledge someone in death who didn't acknowledge you in life; and if you don't need 'closure' then I can't see why you would go.

Kladdkaka · 04/07/2012 10:08

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you but think very carefully about it. I didn't go to my grandad's funeral many years ago because I wasn't close to him and it was a long way away. I felt fine about this, not in the least bit bothered.

... until 2 weeks ago when we buried my dad. I feel terrible now that my mum buried her dad without me there to support her. :(

RackandRuin · 04/07/2012 10:08

I wouldn't commit to a 6 hour round trip at 37 weeks. It would be madness, what if you felt a twinge on the motorway/railway station? Don't do it.

SoleSource · 04/07/2012 10:09

YADNBU I do not see one reason why you should attend. intrigued to know why he would be in newspaper interviews, nosey

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:10

Is it your mum's dad?

ChitChatFlyingby · 04/07/2012 10:15

I wouldn't go! Tell her your Midwife has advised against you going so far away. They say you shouldn't be more than 1 hour away from home/your hospital from 36 weeks, so if you mentioned it to your midwife she probably WOULD advise you not to go.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:15

onetired yes it's mums dad. Sorry but i had to laugh at your suggestion of saying i would light a candle etc to my Mum. Not that it isn't a lovely and thoughtful suggestion, but if you knew my mum you would laugh too.

She would tell me to stop being so woolly, middle class and fucking stupid! This is the woman who threw all home made cards i made as her as a child straight in the bin and asked for her real one from the shop - 'you know the one that cost actual money'

I am :) at the thought of her face tho, it's almost worth saying...

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:18

WHAT! Home made cards in the bin dear lord!

Take the decision making off you & tell her that your midwife has told you not to go.

Otherwise tell her not to be so fucking stupid

MrsTrellisOfSouthWales · 04/07/2012 10:18

I wouldn't go.
It's too far, and for the funeral of someone you are not mourning, or to support someone who doesn't deserve it you don't like much - no.

kerala · 04/07/2012 10:20

Its a no brainer. I am surprised your mother even wants you to go. But then I had my first baby at 37 weeks.

Also I have been thinking recently about "duty" and family. IMO if someone in the family isn't pleasant and polite they cannot expect other family members to put themselves out significantly and to do things they don't want to do. We are having this issue with MIL who has been horrid to DH then cannot understand why we won't fly out to visit them (they live overseas) . Apparently because he is her son she can treat him as she likes and he has to suck it up. Err no.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:21

Oh dear - i am being dense. It has just dawned on me why she wants me to go so much. To entertain Dad!

My dad is also a difficult man and hates mums family. All thru growing up he never attended any family events (weddings etc). he particularly disliked my grandfather. Mum is scared he will cause a scene.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 04/07/2012 10:22

Spuddy you do not need this stress, especially now. You put you first, please.

KellyElly · 04/07/2012 10:23

Don't go. There's every chance that you could actually give birth around that time and you don't want to be hours away from your hospital. Your mum should understand that!

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:24

If that's the case then I think she's being either astoundingly selfish or (lets be kind) misguided in grief.

Don't go, no.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:36

mrstrellis i do like/love my mum, she is just a very specific kind of person.

She has always expected me to do what is convenient for her and dad. They are both very self absorbed and i am the only child which was there to facilitate them. I have been brought up to be quite laid back and that placating dad is basically the main aim. Just like placating her dad was their families aim.

If i say no she will tell me how selfish i am as now SHE will have to deal with dad. As i have got older i have distanced myself from their bizarre behaviour and enabling.

She had me at 36 wks so she should know the risks.

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 04/07/2012 10:38

Absoultely don't go and don't waste time feeling guilty.

Your family (as in you, your DP & baby) should absolutely be your priority here

jubilucket · 04/07/2012 10:39

Even if someone collects you and takes you home again it's still too far at 37 weeks. If he's the sort of person who gave press interviews is there likely to be a memorial service at a later date?

diddl · 04/07/2012 10:39

Was your mum hoping you would be going to support her?

Maryz · 04/07/2012 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kerala · 04/07/2012 10:41

Actually I think it would be irresponsible to go and am surprised you are being pressurised by your family .

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 04/07/2012 10:42

Don't go. And don't let your mum make you feel bad either. If it avoids a scene tell her you are going then just don't turn up and say you felt ill on the day.

Making a 6-8 hour round trip at 37 weeks unless it is really neccessary is not advisable. Put your baby first, that is what your mum should be doing too.

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