to not want to go to my grandfathers funeral.

[Spuddybean]

I am currently 32 wks pg. My Grandfather has recently died. He was ill for quite some time, so altho sad, it was expected. Tbh i am relieved for him. It was awful at the end and he would have hated to have been like that.

Anyway, the funeral has been arranged for over 4 weeks time so i will be approaching 37wks. It is a 3 hour drive away, so would be a 6 hour round trip.

I mentioned to my Mum i might not be up to it, thinking she may have already worked this out, and she was horrified.

I don't drive so DP would have to take a day off work (not easy as he is taking Pat leave too and does not have much A/L) to drive me. DP has never met anyone in my family apart from my parents. (Obviously we are not close at all).

If DP cannot drive me it will be about 4 hours on 3 trains and 2 tubes each way.

I am enormous and uncomfortable now, so i can't imagine how i am going to feel either sitting in a car for 6 hours or traipsing around on trains.

Bit of back story too - GF was not a nice or easy man and was never remotely interested in me. He made an absolute scene at my wedding (Narc who made everything about himself) and in newspaper interviews often forgot he even had me as a gc - showing photos of my cousins and saying he had 7 not 8 gc etc.

Anyway, how robust should i be about not going? Or should i just go? Am i being precious? Go on tell me i'm being a selfish mare...

boschy thats so sad. And very different to the OP I agree.

boschy sorry to hear that. And if it was a parent's funeral i would go.

I spoke to mum earlier and was vague about it. I said well i'd see how i felt. She said well if you get a lift it's fine. I said not really, not for my back/knees/in case of dvt, also that midwives say don't go further than an hour away from home/hospital. She huffed in a 'that's ridiculous' way and said my labour would take longer than an hour so i would be fine.

I said that we'd also have to pack the bag and car seat and everything. And she said well yes.

SO i said well, i am seeing MW the week before so i would do whatever she suggests. SHe huffed and said she had to go. I know she's pissed off but really she should be more understanding.

Dad will probably wade in now and say something like 'after everything your mum has done for you...' (they think they have been perfect/martyr parents for some reason) and 'oh god you're only pregnant ffs'.

Anyway, i shall see. Thanks for the strength guys :)

I don't think anyone is obliged to go to anyones funeral, its a personal decision to go or not.

Wow. Talk about "They fuck you up, your mum and dad..."

Ever thought of writing a novel about them, OP?

Anyway, no need to know what the answer is. Of course you shouldn't go.

Ha! hackmum i often have thought about it, and my GPs, half sis, and my Pils - they're all total loons. They range from Narcs, to other personality disorders and even psycho/sociopathy.

It is truly bizarre how every person in my life is totally self serving and lacks any form of empathy. I am the 'normal' one and i am bipolar!

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing, and in your situation I wouldn't go either.

However, there is just a bit of me that thinks (given how egotistical your Grandfather sounds) that if you went to the funeral and if you went into labour, and as a result you were the centre of attention...how annoyed would he be? btw, not seriously suggesting it!

Dont go, stick to your guns, don't feel the need to lie or make excuses, you aren't prepared to travel that close to your due date and your mother should be able to control your father for one day.

Next, contact cousins/aunts, send an e-mail if you can saying how sorry you are about the death of GF, but as you are pregnant and will be full term by the time of the funeral, you obviously won't be able to go.

fedup That would be total payback! At my wedding my GF snatched the microphone from H's hand while he was doing his speech and wouldn't let go. He started talking about himself and 'how blessed' he had been. it had to be wrestled off him by 3 people. When he realised he wasn't getting it back he just stood in the middle of the room shouting what he wanted to say!

You mum is something else, can you imagine driving home on a three hour trip with a new born!

I think that you should just say no I'm not going. If you need too say You've called the midwife for advice and she has said no you should'nt travel that far so therefore you will not be attending. Just keep repeating it

Don't go. Since your mother seems unlikely to listen to reason I should simply say that you have been advised by your midwife or doctor that it would be unwise to make the journey. If I were you I'd actually get this advice in reality since I doubt that anyone would advise differently.

If your mother cares to argue about advice from a health professional that's her lookout. You can merely say "Well that's the situation, I'm afraid and I'm not prepared to risk the consequences of not following medical advice".

I think you're BU even considering going. You're heavily pregnant, it's hard to get to and you certainly didn't have a close relationship. Don't go. Don't explain. And most of all, don't stress about it. If anyone says anything just stop them by refusing to discuss it. Or, if you can't take the strain of all that, (and this goes against the grain with me because anybody that doesn't understand is totally out of order) say you're going and then have a minor medical emergency or false alarm at the last minute. You don't need this hassle.

I wouldn't go. Lots of babies are born at 37 weeks...both mine were. And it doesn necessarily follow that labour takes hours and hours; mine certainly didn't!

Your mum is being ridiculous.

Well precisely controlpants i was born at 36 wks with a 45 min labour so you'd think she may understand my point!!

Spuddy I didn't not go to my mother's funeral because I was 37 weeks. But I used the fact to sanction the burial quietly on my own without causing an upset. I'd certainly have gone had the funeral and burial both been the other side of the country. But late pregnancy can be useful. Your journey sounds dreadful. Just say no.