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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to my grandfathers funeral.

64 replies

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 09:59

I am currently 32 wks pg. My Grandfather has recently died. He was ill for quite some time, so altho sad, it was expected. Tbh i am relieved for him. It was awful at the end and he would have hated to have been like that.

Anyway, the funeral has been arranged for over 4 weeks time so i will be approaching 37wks. It is a 3 hour drive away, so would be a 6 hour round trip.

I mentioned to my Mum i might not be up to it, thinking she may have already worked this out, and she was horrified.

I don't drive so DP would have to take a day off work (not easy as he is taking Pat leave too and does not have much A/L) to drive me. DP has never met anyone in my family apart from my parents. (Obviously we are not close at all).

If DP cannot drive me it will be about 4 hours on 3 trains and 2 tubes each way.

I am enormous and uncomfortable now, so i can't imagine how i am going to feel either sitting in a car for 6 hours or traipsing around on trains.

Bit of back story too - GF was not a nice or easy man and was never remotely interested in me. He made an absolute scene at my wedding (Narc who made everything about himself) and in newspaper interviews often forgot he even had me as a gc - showing photos of my cousins and saying he had 7 not 8 gc etc.

Anyway, how robust should i be about not going? Or should i just go? Am i being precious? Go on tell me i'm being a selfish mare...

OP posts:

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:48

Yes diddl in a way. My parents and family worry about appearances more than anything. So M's main concerns will be 'who will distract dad' and 'what will people think'. It has not occurred to her how i will feel.

When she told me the date they had agreed on i was shocked, i said that's a month away! She just said yes as if 'and?' i said well i will be almost 37 wks? She still responded blankly. Then i said well depending on how i am i will go. She said WHAT!? in outrage, then well if DP drives you down it's fine, or you can get the train to ours. Umm no i said what difference would 3 hours on trains to you make? than going straight there? She hurrumphed.

OP posts:

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 10:55

She sounds delightful.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 10:56

jubilucket he wasn't famous but he was in paper articles a few times and on tv documentaries.

He probably would have preferred some kind of regimental memorial to a funeral tbh. I wonder if there is something like that for him? hhmmm

I am proud of what he did, his bravery, his generation etc and for that i will mourn. The loss of innocence and the things he did at a very young age. As an expectant mother i cannot comprehend what him and my grandmother went thru and how i would feel if my DC were ever called on to do their duty like he did.

However, i can separate that from the man he was. Perhaps the reason he could do the things he did was exactly because of the bullying and unpleasant personality he had. Or maybe it made him like it - i don't know.

OP posts:

TruthSweet · 04/07/2012 10:57

Would you even be allowed to go because of the risks of Deep Vein Thrombosis (long journeys and pg can cause clots to form which can be very serious). It doesn't sound like you want to mourn your Grandfather (and I don't blame you, he doesn't sound very pleasant) and it could put you and baby at risk, let alone you going into labour while in the car/on the train!

kickingKcurlyC · 04/07/2012 10:57

37 weeks is term. You don't want to be off hours away from home. Don't go!

diddl · 04/07/2012 11:01

"Then i said well depending on how i am i will go."

I think that that´s all you can do in the circs tbh-it´s not your fault that your father needs "distracting" when he should actually be their for your mum.

When my GPs died, it was our parents who did the supporting of each other.

lambethlil · 04/07/2012 11:06

I would have gone, but it's irrelevant because my GPs were lovely and I'd have wanted to be there to support my Mum, as I was a few months later than you are OP. In fact I did a similar journey at 39 weeks and ended up being admitted into hospital early as I confused Braxton Hicks on a stiff and travel weary body for labour

Do not give it another thought, you have a very good reason to not go. You could even play along, say you'll be there and then start having contractions or a bleed a few days before.

onetiredmummy · 04/07/2012 11:09

Well I consider myself to be 'normal' & well adjusted :)

I lost my mum suddenly to cancer last year & we had people not attend the funeral as they were on holiday (they did know about it & asked us whether we wanted them to fly back but we said no, didn't seem fair asking them to cut short their holiday).
If there was someone pregnant, even if they lived nearby we would not have been at all offended by their decision not to come. Even excluding the travel question a funeral can be bloody stressful, pregnancy & stress do not mix well. I'd have phoned the pregnant lady after the wake to tell her how it was & to check she was OK, perhaps I may have expected her to send flowers but that's all.
I think that's pretty normal.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 11:13

Unfortunately diddl my family is very dysfunctional. There is no use trying to explain to them. Part of their dysfunctionality is their belief they are completely normal. They don't interact with anyone not like them so they have completely normalised their behaviour.

Mum spent her childhood 'serving' grandad who barely noticed her and often said he only had 3 children. He was a 'heavy handed' bully who thought nothing of hitting her or my nan if things didn't go his way. He refused any contact with nans family.

My mum has ended up with a man worse (if possible) who also has refused any contact with her family. To not to expect me to do the same as her would be in some way to admit the situation is fucked up. Rather than the easier route of blackmailing me into doing stuff to make her life easier rather than protect me from it (i was always to blame if dad smashed the house up etc).

Interestingly DP's family are just the same (no violence - just psychological torture). His Dad has banned everyone from MILs family (even her 2 children) from the house and was awful when she used to visit them. DP grew up never seeing gp's/family.

I don't know whether i attract these types of people or whether i deserve them? How depressing. :(

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 04/07/2012 11:16

What a crappy situation.

On the plus side, you can see it for what it is and you do have insight into the dysfunction.

Which means you have the power to stop it and change it. And you can do so by putting your family and your child first, and leave the older generations to their own oddness. Change it now.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 11:23

I try to be strong folkgirl and just laugh off their madness. But the problem is they look so normal, you start talking to them and things seem normal so you get sucked in and then the rug gets pulled from under you and you are back to square one.

Literally, no word of exaggeration, there is not one person in my life who isn't fucked up and doesn't have some form of massive personality disorder/issue which needs attention.

Apart from me plate spinning, i do not have anyone to share this with.

Sorry to be melodramatic. But i am just veering between anger and sadness at my circumstances.

If it wasn't for reading normal peoples opinions on MN i think would believe i was the odd one.

OP posts:

GnocchiNineDoors · 04/07/2012 11:28

I think it's time you start putting your new little family firmly in pole position. Your GF sounds like he was very hard work, and little wonder that your DMum appears to have turned out so similar.

At 36/37 weeks you need rest and relaxation not stress, travel and family politics.

Send flowers, put your feet up and please relax in the knowledge that you are doing the best thing for your baby.

BaronessBomburst · 04/07/2012 11:32

Oh, for goodness sake don't go. Anyone who knows that you are 37 weeks pregnant will understand, and you really don't need to care about anyone who doesn't understand.

Just tell your mum that you'll light a candle instead and spend the day giggling at her reaction.

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 12:02

Thanks everyone. I think i will play along with the 'i'll go if i feel up to it' then 'not feel well' or 'say midwife has said no' (i am seeing midwife a couple of days before anyway so she may actually say no in reality).

I just don't want to have my baby there. I want to be at home. I will just have to resign myself to the 'fallout' about my selfishness and sing a little song in my head.

Mum has gone out and bought a dress for me to wear as well :(

OP posts:

ChitChatFlyingby · 04/07/2012 12:15

Oh for heaven's sakes, controlling, or what! Buying you a dress??!! (Hope she keeps the receipt...)

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 12:27

I think it's probably to pre-empt the i've got nothing to wear excuse. (as i don't think they make tents in black!) Rather than controlling.

I feel a bit sad for her tho. She has seen me as her ally, whether i have volunteered or not. She doesn't really get she chose her life and it's not my responsibility. I know that sounds harsh but my interests were never put 1st.

She will be the only sibling there without children for support. I just cannot fathom why they chose that date tho.

Hey ho! Thanks again everyone i really appreciate the support you have all given me :)

To cheer myself up i have just bought the way to expensive pram for the baby :) :)

OP posts:

LilRedWG · 04/07/2012 12:34

OP, I came on here to say, "Of course you must go. Not for your GF nescessarily, but for your Mum". Having lost my Mum, I know how hard the funeral will be for her.

But... having read the thread I have totally changed my mind. Stay at home and take care of yourself. Your Mum sounds selfish at best.

ChitChatFlyingby · 04/07/2012 12:35

Spuddy - that IS controlling. Buying you a dress in order to make you go. I think your judgment has become a bit skewed. It isn't NORMAL behaviour to buy someone a dress to make sure they go where you want them to go - regardless of whether they want to go or not. Not at all the same as offering to buy you a dress because they know it's expensive and you are unlikely to use it again.

ChitChatFlyingby · 04/07/2012 12:36

Oh and good for you for buying the pram. A nice way to cheer yourself up !

Yellowtip · 04/07/2012 12:42

I was 37 weeks when my mother died and I didn't go to her funeral (eight hour round trip). Everyone understood. (That said, she came to the church where I live to be buried, which I did quietly, all by myself, which felt just right).

NervousAt20 · 04/07/2012 12:43

YANBU! Your health must come first and that journey would be really uncomfortable for you

post · 04/07/2012 12:50

You could look at this as the fantastic opportunity to break this unhealthy family pattern for your own dc that's coming; the moment when you decide that for you as a mother, and for your children, the poison stops here, and you are not going to do it like this any more. Your NEW family way of doing things starts today!

Original poster

Spuddybean · 04/07/2012 12:55

I am usually quite good at saying no (something i started about 4 years ago). But because this is a funeral and other family members will be there i was questioning myself.

Well tbh at first i didn't question it at all. Then the more i thought of it it seemed a bit, erm, close. Then the funeral was put back another week and i though woah! No one else seems to think so tho

OP posts:

sesameflower · 04/07/2012 13:03

YANBU
don't go on health and pregnancy alone.

boschy · 04/07/2012 13:11

My father dropped dead when I was 36 wks with my first. I went to the funeral - a 1.5 hour drive, 1 hr flight (had to get doctors letter) and then 3 hour drive.

The difference between my situation and yours? I adored my father; love my mother; and DH and my brother travelled there and back with me.

However, I was very aware that I 'could' give birth in the back of beyond (2 hours from nearest hospital) and it was even more stressful for all of simply because I was so pregnant.

Dont go; dont let anyone tell you you should go; stay home with your feet up.

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