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Original poster

Step Gran not letting Grandad having time with his Grandchildren

62 replies

mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 21:26

My D remarried 6 years ago after splitting with my M after 30+ years of marriage. The woman who is now my step mother is 9 years older than me and has 3 children.
I have done every thing I can to make her and her children feel part of the family but felt there was something not quite adding up (you know that little nag inside your head that something is wrong somewhere).
We are now 6 years into their marriage and gradually my D is seeing us less and less always with an excuse of something has come up with them or he is doing something with them.
My problem is my children they want to spend time with him and see him other than birthdays. For some reason we are never asked round to their house and if he does come over he is on his own and looking at his watch all the time.
Now things have come to a head and we feel that he must make some type of commitment to his grandchildren to spend time with them and stick to it or walk away so that they are not disappointed all the time. :(

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/07/2012 21:30

I don't think you're being fair.

Some grandparents don't see their GCs that often at all...because they're just 'not that way'.

I think I only ever saw my Grandad for Birthdays and Christmas but it never stopped me loving him.

OK so your kids would like to see more of him....but that's no reason to start laying down ultimatums is it?

G1nger · 03/07/2012 21:31

Speak to him. The rest is guesswork. Leave any judgement about his wife out of the conversation.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/07/2012 21:31

What has happened to make things 'come to a head'?

Sandalwood · 03/07/2012 21:33

No, don't be all "it's her or us" about it.
Many children don't see their GPs much, but it's nice when they do.

MissFenella · 03/07/2012 21:38

You say in your title that its step gran stopping grandad from visiting and yet don't mention what she has done that makes you think this. What has she done to make you think its her rather than him just wanting to spend time with his family rather than yours?

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 21:39

She posted on face book on Fathers Day how sad it is to lose a dad and what a gap they leave and I posted "I feel the gap" referring to my father in law that we lost 7 years ago this week and it would have been his birthday this Sunday just gone. She then claimed I was having a dig at my dad and not being respectful to hers I relay can not get me head around it

OP posts:
Sandalwood · 03/07/2012 21:41

She perhaps misunderstood then. It's a pity you didn't write about the sad loss of your FIL with your post.

squeakytoy · 03/07/2012 21:42

well in light of what you have just posted, I can see her point on FB as that is how it would seem to me if you had posted that response.. how on earth would she know your reply was regarding your FIL!!

I also think you know that the comment would be taken the wrong way, and wrote it to get a rise...

mynewpassion · 03/07/2012 21:43

Did you say it was your FIL? Because if you didn't, then I can understand why she would've thought it was a dig at your dad and at her.

MissFenella · 03/07/2012 21:44

TBH I can see why she may think that, but its just a misreading of your intention. It may have hit home to her a little if she was feeling guilty about him not seeing you all.

Would just persevering be an option. I fear if you make a big song and dance about it you still won't get the result you want.

dillnameddog · 03/07/2012 21:49

I think women are often the ones who make the family/social arrangements, so it is difficult when a sm is involved. Perhaps your dad isn't good at managing conflicting needs, perhaps he is not a very engaged dad but does the best he can and still loves you, perhaps he is selfish and thoughtless.

But whatever his reasons, he is the only dad you have. There will come a time when he won't be around and - believe me - the death of your parent is far more shocking and painful than you would imagine (imperfect relationship notwithstanding).

I would get this into perspective, and quickly. Your dc aren't really getting disappointed unless you are putting that thought into their head. If they see their granddad on birthdays only, the so be it. it is better than nothing, and at least gives them the sense that it is important to maintain contact with family (something that you may wish them to carry forward into adulthood).

You may well regret putting your dad into a situation where he has to commit time to you or walk away. It's very easy to get indignant about family things but family rifts are generally more painful than just putting up with a relationship that is less good than you would like.

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 21:49

I did not say its her or us we would just like some of his time when he takes his step daughter who is younger than his grandchildren to a specific place that they want to go and not even ask if they would like to come seems like he has made the choice of them or us, and then for the grandchildren to find out where he has been and with who by it being posted on face book with pictures and thank you comments seems cruel

OP posts:
dillnameddog · 03/07/2012 21:54

How do the grandchildren find out though. Presumably they don't have their own fb account, so is it because you show them.

I don't want to pry but are you getting your children to voice your own sense of pain here? It sounds like your dad is in a family situation, so naturally takes on the role of stepfather - does that make you feel usurped, perhaps?

It might be worth exploring your feelings around your parents' divorce, because it sounds as though you have a lot of pain around the issue.

MissFenella · 03/07/2012 21:54

Hmm but he is parenting his step children, just as you parent your children. Do you offer to take your step brothers and sisters out on your family trips?

mynewpassion · 03/07/2012 21:55

So is it time commitment or taking to certain places commitment? He can spend time with them at the park, in your home, at his home, right? He doesn't have to take them to a Alton Towers.

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 21:57

I did tell her it was about my FIL and did not do it for the rise.I had already spoken to my dad and sent him a card.She also knew about my FIL
I also have to say that my children are teenagers and told me what was going on as I don't use face book that much

OP posts:
Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 21:59

I use to take them or at least ask them

OP posts:
dillnameddog · 03/07/2012 21:59

Ok, fair enough! But if they are teenagers, surely you can just explain that granddad has other priorities and sympathise with any pain they feel around that.

mynewpassion · 03/07/2012 22:00

Did you write it on your facebook stating that it was FIL or were you vague about it? She could've known about your FIL's passing but the FB could've been interpreted either way if you didn't clearly write that it was FIL.

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 22:03

Its a time commitment from my perspective the children would just love to see him.
But I do feel saddened that they posted it on face book my children were very upset

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 03/07/2012 22:04

I bet they more upset about not going to the place then spending time with grandpa.

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 22:06

Why does he have to priorities should he not want to spend time with them
Her children are 21 20 and 14 his grandchildren are 16 and 14

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/07/2012 22:07

If your children are teenagers then why dont they speak to their grandfather themselves?

Or go round there to see him if he doesnt live far away?

Original poster
mumbodragon · 03/07/2012 22:11

I sent her a personal message that my comment was about my FIL and sorry if she misunderstood and her reply was to unfriend the children myself and my husband

OP posts:
MissFenella · 03/07/2012 22:11

Oh goodness I thought these were little children, not teenagers. Confused

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