Step Gran not letting Grandad having time with his Grandchildren

[mumbodragon]

My D remarried 6 years ago after splitting with my M after 30+ years of marriage. The woman who is now my step mother is 9 years older than me and has 3 children.
I have done every thing I can to make her and her children feel part of the family but felt there was something not quite adding up (you know that little nag inside your head that something is wrong somewhere).
We are now 6 years into their marriage and gradually my D is seeing us less and less always with an excuse of something has come up with them or he is doing something with them.
My problem is my children they want to spend time with him and see him other than birthdays. For some reason we are never asked round to their house and if he does come over he is on his own and looking at his watch all the time.
Now things have come to a head and we feel that he must make some type of commitment to his grandchildren to spend time with them and stick to it or walk away so that they are not disappointed all the time. :(

How do you think he'd be if you said something like "Oh let us know if you're taking DSD to such and such again, as we'd love to come with you" ?

tbh it seems like you're putting barriers up a bit and making it harder for him. I assume he knows that you feel the loss of your FIL as much as if he were your dad.

I think people are being a bit unfair here. This is your dad and your children's granddad and I totally understand why you feel the way you do. His family should include you and yours. The two should not have to be exclusive. I think you should talk to him. It may not be her laying the law down as such but him putting all his effort into her and her children in an effort to make her happy without realising how you really feel. Not everyone has a few times a year relationship with their grandparents and it certainly doesn't have to be that way x

They use to talk to him through face book the chat window
They dont go to see him because when they arrange to go he lets them down how he is busy every weekend I dont understand

Being a father, even if its not to your biological children, is more important/priority (I don't want to say more important but can't think of the right word) than being a grandfather, especially if your DH is around.

I agree that he should spend time with them. But, usually teenagers spend less time with their grandparents because they have other priorities such as friends and other activities. And as their old enough, your DCs can be proactive with spending time with him, too.

That's why I said that your DC were probably more upset about not going to X instead of spending time with their granddad. I know I would've been at that age.

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But perhaps he is busy every weekend. Most teenagers are usually busy at weekends too themselves and perhaps he expects them to be.

Does he live near by? Are they friends with your stepsibling, as they are of similar age?

He retired 7 years ago and does not work or play golf

dillnameddog agreed my oh would never see any of his family of it were not for me

And to be honest i do all i can but they are not my family and they say i am stopping him for seeing them but sadly if they only new its down to mans common illness lazyititus

Also do the step children have a dad or is it their dad that died or his wife's dad posted about on fb?

I can't believe your kids are 16 and 14...I thought you were posting about little ones

Reading between the lines, I'd say the resentment is much more on your part than anyone elses.

The kids are old enough to speak to their Grandad and tell them how they feel.

And sorry but the FB thing really does sound like a dig.

The fb thing is odd all round. Your post is easy to misinterpret, and defriending your dc is bizarre. I would just let it go though.

It is sad to feel that your dad doesn't prioritise his relationship with you or with your children, when you obviously want a close relationship with him. But I still wouldn't give him an ultimatum, or walk away. Just maintain the thread, and leave space for closeness to develop again - and maybe talk to your dad and tell him how you feel, but without rancour or trying to push him into a corner. Your dc are just going to have to accept that his priorities have changed, and to let go of expectations for now, I think.

As convenient as it is to blame her for this, the real fault here lies with your Dad. He is NOT BOTHERED ENOUGH to keep contact with you and your DC.

Take it up with him, but be prepared to see him distance himself further.

I asked them this question today and the reply was because they see so little of him and love him they would give up commitments to see him thats a sad thing to here a teenager say just so they get to see there grandfather and when it was all arranged time date weeks in advance I got a text to say he could not do it as she was working nights and he had to look after the 14yr I said thats ok the four of them could do whatever he said she had dance so he would not have time to do anything it was as it the two family's cant mix for some reason would the world end?????????

Personally I would tell him the grand kids want to see more of him but I would also also aim to be more accepting of his lack of interest. Try and move on and fill their lives with more interested and willing relatives.

must admit he does what ever she tells him to my brother has the same problem I just find it hard to understand why we are being treated like this I was Her champion when they got together we did all we could to make her and her children feel loved and excepted and now its as if she has made a dissension we are not worth the time of day and my dad does as he is told

He is coming over Friday (I called him) lets see if it happens
The only other family is my mother in law and I love here to bits and my brother and sister in law and they live a long way away

If you do think you're dad is in a bit of an abusive relationship and is being cut off from his family, then still don't be giving him ultimatums. Value the times you do share and he can know you all love him.

I guess he might be hurt by the facebook comment (whichever way it was meant).

Blending families is hard work and can take years!

There are all sorts of emotions to work through - your dad and his teenage step daughter will undoubtedly be struggling at times with their relationship, your DCs will be dealing with the fact they their grandad is now a father figure to a DC their age, you are coming to terms with a new woman and girl in your dads life - and you will all be at different stages at different times so throwing everyone together might be a recipe for disaster and your dad might realise that, hence his focus on his own home for now.

His marriage is also still quite young - maybe he and his DW enjoy their time together at weekends?

To be honest, it's your DCs behaviour that seems less typical, to be honest - most teens I know would rather walk over hot coals than express any emotion; telling you how hurt they are about their granddad's behaviour without prompting makes me wonder what else might be going on. Do they share a social circle with your Dads step children? Could there be a disagreement or feud going on between teens that they are all caught up in, even if they don't have direct contact with each other?

My DH has just told me to add that 14yr is the only one living at home and the 14yr goes to the dads every other weekend
Also she was our next door neighbor her husband left her for another and then my dad left my mum for her so her children and I grew up together and we were pregnant at the same time yet still I championed her :)

Wow she really must be something of your dad sacrificed 30 years of marriage to get with her

If

We have suffered a great loss of family over the past 6-7 years been to to many funerals so our DC want family contact with who we have left
Her 21 and 20yr are living there own lives and they all interacted through face book until now my DC might be less typical as they are very caring and loving and had to be responsible before there time because of my accident
I have tried my best to give them back as much childhood as I can a child shouldnt have to become a carer it robs them of so much so they are not typical teenagers no they are better :)

I think it's unreasonable of you to blame your stepmother for the fact that your father doesn't spend more time with his teenage grandchildren. He is an able bodied independant adult. men who are hen pecked often use their wives as an excuse but he chose to be with this woman and even if he is choosing her company over yours it is still him making the choices.
My teenage kids only see my dad 2 or 3 times a year as he lives over 8 hours away. They still have a good relationship though and to be honest if my dad lived nearer I'm not sure my kids would be that bothered about spending loads of time with grandparents and I'd probably be leaving them at home whilst I visited my dad or they'd be out with friends when he popped round, I see that as more of a little kid thing, but then my grandparents lived several hours from us when growing up so I don't have expectations of extended families living in each others pockets.
It sounds as though your post is more about your resentment of your stepmother than your father's relationship with your kids.
If your kids are keen to visit grandad more or see him more at weekends you could tell him this.

He wasnt hurt by the face book comment as I had already spoken to him the day before and when I spoke to him tonight about Friday he just said she miss read it and I told him that I sent her a privet message explaining he said I know but thats between you two

The whole dynamic sounds strange - you seem to want contact time for a 14 an 16 year old.

If his (effective) daughter had dance, she had dance.

Maybe he can't afford to take your kids??

All sounds strange.

PS re the FIL misunderstanding - I doubt she really believed you meant your FIL - more that was a post event excuse.

My resentment is with both of them they can drive two hours to see her family as often as possible we stood back as a family so they could start there lives together involving them when we could and should have then this why there was distancing over the years
I sat my dad down last year and asked him if he could please try and spend some time with his grandson (after another loss) and he said yes it lasted 3 months then the excuses started to come
I have known my step mother for years but it wasnt till they married that things changed my son was best man thats how close we all were