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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be putting mum in a home?

63 replies

Downnotout · 02/07/2012 21:44

Has anyone done this?

Mum has Alzheimer's. She divorced my Dad 18 years ago and has had a partner for the last 10 years. They are not married. They lived in a rural location 2 1/2 hours away from me, no other family close by. He has been her carer since she was diagnosed.

He is very seriously ill in hospital, it happened yesterday and is getting worse by the hour. Mum was placed in temporary care by social services. I am going to get her tomorrow and bring her here, so me and my sister are closer to her. I am going to put her in a home.

I am finding it difficult to come to terms with the decision I have made, although it believe it to be the right decision. My sister and brother agree with what I am doing. It is a nice home, I have viewed a few, and it is in the perfect location for my sister and myself to visit every day. But it is still a home.

Conversely I cared for my father when he was dying, two years ago, in my own home. I don't feel I can go through that again. My relationship with mum was non existent after their divorce. She was very bitter, had some mental health issues and completely cut me out of her life. It is only in the last five years that I have started to rebuild our relationship. It is as if the dementia took away all the bitterness and she forgot that she was depressed, so she became very sweet and gentle. Sadly she has had little contact with her grandchildren.

I don't know how I am going to explain to her why we are doing this. She will not be able to take it in as her memory span is so short. She forgets what you have said and asks the same questions over and over. It is also almost certain she will never see her partner again as I suspect he is not going to make it and I am going to have to try and break that news to her at some point.

This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

OP posts:

gordyslovesheep · 02/07/2012 21:51

(((((Hug))))) I can not imagine how hard this must be x You know you are NBU x

CaliforniaLeaving · 02/07/2012 21:57

YANBU It's a sad situation to be in, and your brother and sister are in agreement. She'll be safer in the home too.

GailTheGoldfish · 02/07/2012 22:00

I haven't personally, but have seen a good friend go through something similar over the past couple of years. In his case it was clear that his mum's condition was only going to decline and so there was no way she could remain in her own home or with him or any siblings. I would assume the same is true for your mum? So what you are actually giving her is stability, which is crucial for her, professional care and regular contact with you and your sister. All fantastic things and she is lucky to have a daughter like you. The situation you describe with your Dad is obviously completely different, you don't say what his health issues were but you clearly had good reasons for having a very different relationship with him. You have and are still doing an amazing job of taking care of them. Please remember to take good care of yourself too.

Springforward · 02/07/2012 22:01

YANBU. I have done this, mum had a different sort of dementia. It broke my heart but it was the right thing for us all. She needed care I couldn't give. I visited most days after work. I would make the same decision again.

GoodButNotOutstanding · 02/07/2012 22:01

It will all be fine. If the home is lovely and your brother and sister are happy enough with the arrangement then it sounds like it is the best thing for everyone.
It is what I will be doing when either of my parents need care, I have already promised them that (it is their idea as they hate the thought of being a burden)

StrawberryMojito · 02/07/2012 22:03

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into your decision and you are doing the right thing. Do not be too hard on yourself, it sounds such a sad situation. I hope her partner has family to care for him in his last days too.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 02/07/2012 22:04

You are doing absolutely the right thing. Alzheimers patients need a TEAM of carers to look after them and provide the round the clock care they need, not one individual.

The situation with your Dad was different - he was dying and therefore there was an end in sight to your caring (albeit a very sad one). However, with Alzheimers your Mum COULD live for ages and ages.

You have clearly given this loads of thought and have been careful to consult your siblings and they are on your side. You are doing the very best for your Mother. She is very lucky that you and your sister will be visiting regularly too.

TalkinPeace2 · 02/07/2012 22:08

you are not "putting your mum in a home"
you are "allowing her to live under the supervision of trained professionals"
there is a MAHOOSIVE difference.

AThingInYourLife · 02/07/2012 22:16

Even if your relationship with your mother wasn't damaged, caring for someone with Alzheimer's in your home is not something most people could do.

It can last for years of very gradual decline and requires very specialist care at the end stages.

I'm so sorry for what is happening :(

You are doing a very good thing by putting in place the long-term care your mother needs so quickly.

TheCraicDealer · 02/07/2012 22:18

DP's Mum had this with her mother. She would repeatedly ask after her eldest son, completely unaware of him sadly dying ten years previously. In the end they just started saying, "ohhh, fine" to avoid upsetting her time after time. My own grandfather is reaching a steep decline; last week he asked my Dad when was getting married, coincidently on the day of his 27th wedding anniversary. He and my uncle are slowly realising that a home is the next step.

highlandcoo · 02/07/2012 22:22

Yes, I've done it :(

It was the only solution for my mum (she also suffered from Alzheimer's as well as a range of other medical problems). No one person could possibly have coped with the level of 24-hour care she needed.

The day I moved my mum into the home I came home and howled :( It is never an easy choice to make however I am sure you are doing the right thing. Don't be hard on yourself. You will have the energy to visit and your relationship will be better for it, honestly.

Original poster

Downnotout · 02/07/2012 22:27

Thanks so much for your words of kindness.

Have just had DD 10yo sobbing in bed with me. We have said prayers for mums DP. I know what his family must be going through tonight.

I am so dreading tomorrow and what it will bring.

OP posts:

Hebiegebies · 02/07/2012 22:28

Have you found the thread topic Elderly Parents, there are some really helpful supportive people on there

Wolfiefan · 02/07/2012 22:30

My grandfather cared for my grandma when she had Alzheimer's. I have never seen anyone age so fast. I swear it took 20 years off his life but he felt duty bound to care for her. The rest of my family have all had the discussion "don't you dare do that for me!" my mum jokes we should put her in a home and feed her vodka. I sincerely hope I never have to face the decision you do but I can't see you have any other choice. (Grandma lived for a LOOONG time with Alzheimer's but Grandad didn't live long past her. Miss him still.)

Original poster

Downnotout · 02/07/2012 22:30

I will have a search for it. I just needed some reassurance tonight.

OP posts:

nannyl · 02/07/2012 22:36

[[[[[[HUG]]]]]]]]

YANBU

my father is very ill with alzheimers / dementia

there are 3 people who he will allow look after him; My mum (his ex wife) my sister (who works a 13 hour day 5+ days a week) and his "carer" who was his cleaner but her roll as some how evolved.... i know that when his "carer" cant / doesnt want to care for him anymore he will have to go into a home.

there is NO WAY he could live with me, i dont think i could even cope with it for just 1 night.

like you i know he wont understand, and will keep on asking about the same stuff

but sometimes needs must, and that is why these homes are there.

good luck, and try not to feel guilty.

alzheimers / dementia is just awful.

membershipcard · 02/07/2012 22:47

I visit the Alzheimer's forum a lot and there are regular questions about this kind of situation. Their advice would be not to tell your mum the full truth; basic answers to direct questions.
So don't tell her that she is going to live in a care home; you would have to tell her more than once and each time it may cause her distress. Just say that she has to stay there a little longer whilst you organise a few things.
If she asks about her partner, keep it simple, " he's in hospital". There is no gain for anyone to tell her the whole truth.

Good luck.

Original poster

Downnotout · 02/07/2012 22:48

I suppose there's a lot of guilt involved. I'm feeling like a bad daughter all over again.

I feel a bit angry that I'm having to sort this out because my DB, who lives abroad and my DS who lives alone are both a bit useless. I'm the only one of us who is married or has children, (and i have enough problems going on there- without all this). I'm the youngest and it was the same when Dad was ill.

I always have to be the strong one who sorts everything out and I just don't feel very strong.

OP posts:

membershipcard · 02/07/2012 22:49

Oh, forgot to add. MIL went to live in a care home. It was fantastic for her. She returned to the smart, well-groomed lady she used to be pre-dementia. Hair done, nails manicured, well fed, happy and clean.

Original poster

Downnotout · 02/07/2012 22:55

membershipcard that is very useful advice. If the news tomorrow is as I fear it may be, i think we will have to keep it from her.

OP posts:

paradisechick · 02/07/2012 22:56

You are not being unreasonable. Be gentle on yourself and get some support for you.

lovebunny · 02/07/2012 23:05

tried but no-one else will go along with it. you've done well if you've managed to get care for your mum. don't blame yourself - its the right thing to do.

Fresh01 · 02/07/2012 23:06

I have lots of sympathy for you as it is a very very difficult situation. I had to do this with my uncle at Easter time. He has severe vascular dementia. I found it very difficult and I don't have the emotional involvement that I would have with a parent. My uncle and I didn't live near each other and I saw him every 2 years when I was growing up but recently I moved near to where he lived, he never had any family himself and my dad died 10 years ago so he has no-one else.

I described it to my mum as I could have my 91 year old grandmother live with me as her needs are basic physical needs but can still occupy herself all day but I couldn't have my uncle live with me as someone with advanced dementia cannot be left unsupervised. I have 4 kids under 6 and wouldn't even have been able to do the school run without taking him with us. I think my 2.5 year old could be left unsupervised (he isn't) for longer than my uncle as he wanders.

At first she will ask when is she going home, when can she leave, she doesn't like it, doesn't like the food but it is just a big adjustment for them. The home (I have moved him 10minutes from me instead of over an hour away) said he would take around 6 weeks to settle. I would say it took about 8 weeks and he isn't happy now but content. He knows in his more lucid moments that he needs the care and support that the home provides and he is in the right place but is sad that he needs to live in a home.

We decided not to take him out in the car for the first few months till he accepted the home as his home incase going in the car he thought we were taking him home.

In terms of her DP it will be hard for her to accept not seeing him but in some ways the forgetfulness of the illness may ease some of her pain as she will not remember the details. My uncle can still ask me 4 times in an hour if my dad, his mum and dad (my grandparents) are still alive and telling him they are not is accompanied with tears as though I am telling him for the first time. Have finally worked out that this is dealt with quicker by reminding him that we know he can't remember but he was there for each of their funerals. In a lucid time I did ask if he wanted me to lie and tell him they were fine but he said no to tell him the truth.

Sorry this is long. You have nothing to feel guilty for the staff in Homes are amazing and trained at dealing with people with dementia, it is an incredibly difficult job.

Christelle2207 · 02/07/2012 23:39

Yanbu. You are doing the best thing for you, your family and most importantly for her x

Original poster

Downnotout · 03/07/2012 06:55

I have been up since 5.30. Couldn't sleep anymore.

Have realised I will have to go to mums house to collect clothes and some personal items to help her feel comfortable. I have no idea what she will need. I am not going to take her with me as she will think she is going to stay there and it will also start the "where is DP?" questions.

She will never be going back there again. I will also have to find things like address books and any paperwork to do with financial stuff (her DP had power of attorney- that is no use now) doctors info, solicitors, things like that.

I will feel like I am snooping.

OP posts:

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