To be putting mum in a home?

[Downnotout]

Has anyone done this?

Mum has Alzheimer's. She divorced my Dad 18 years ago and has had a partner for the last 10 years. They are not married. They lived in a rural location 2 1/2 hours away from me, no other family close by. He has been her carer since she was diagnosed.

He is very seriously ill in hospital, it happened yesterday and is getting worse by the hour. Mum was placed in temporary care by social services. I am going to get her tomorrow and bring her here, so me and my sister are closer to her. I am going to put her in a home.

I am finding it difficult to come to terms with the decision I have made, although it believe it to be the right decision. My sister and brother agree with what I am doing. It is a nice home, I have viewed a few, and it is in the perfect location for my sister and myself to visit every day. But it is still a home.

Conversely I cared for my father when he was dying, two years ago, in my own home. I don't feel I can go through that again. My relationship with mum was non existent after their divorce. She was very bitter, had some mental health issues and completely cut me out of her life. It is only in the last five years that I have started to rebuild our relationship. It is as if the dementia took away all the bitterness and she forgot that she was depressed, so she became very sweet and gentle. Sadly she has had little contact with her grandchildren.

I don't know how I am going to explain to her why we are doing this. She will not be able to take it in as her memory span is so short. She forgets what you have said and asks the same questions over and over. It is also almost certain she will never see her partner again as I suspect he is not going to make it and I am going to have to try and break that news to her at some point.

This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

This must be so hard for you, but you are honestly doing the right thing.

I haven't had to do it, but I do work in a home for people with dementia.

I tell people in your situation that me going in for my 11 hour shift then coming home to my family is very different to doing it 24/7.

I had one family come and visit and the DIL asked about MIL sleep. I explained that sometimes she get up once or maybe twice a night, but mostly she sleeps well.

She goa t a guilty look across her face and I asked her why. She said that she felt guilty that I could cope with it but she couldn't.

I told her that me dealing with it on my night shift, then going home and going to bed is very different to her having to cope with it, then having to get up ridiculously early to cope all day.

I couldn't do that!!!

MammaTJ I am hoping I have chosen the right place for her. It all happened so quickly, yesterday, that I just had to make a snap decision. I spent ages researching places where they live a few weeks ago to help her DP, as he needed a bit of time to himself. We found her a lovely place for day care and she had started going 2 days a week but when this happened they had no beds available. As is it I couldn't have left her down there anyway.

I had a choice of 3 here, I looked before when I had Dad with me, for respite care, so could narrow it down quite easily.

One was 6 months old, had every possible amenity but felt like a cross between a 5* hotel and a private hospital. It was only 1/4 full, very quiet and a lady was sat crying in the dining room. I think a grand piano in the foyer doesn't make a "care"home.
One only had a bed in the locked down dementia area. The people were much more advanced in their dementia than mum. They said something about needing a TMI or being TMI otherwise it would take away her liberties too soon. The manager was very rushed and abrupt. I'm sure she was busy but it didn't feel right.
The third is next door to my DDs school. An older style home but undergoing refurbishment. The rooms were all freshly painted, the bedrooms large and bright, an old victorian house just like the one i grew up in, and they were finishing a reminiscence area, with old style fire place and things to touch and look at. They had a lovely coutyard garden, surrounded by trees, with lots of wildlife, birds and squirrels. Mum loves sitting and watching the birds on her balcony at home. The only drawback was they don't do full nursing care, which I suppose there may come a time for, but I feel it is the right place for mum, right now.

that sounds lovely downnotout

me and my sister have looked at lots and lots of homes for my dad

tbh we dont especially like anyone, but if there is space when the time comes, we too, wil choose one that is essentailly a lovely converted house with a nice garden. Not the most modern, could probably do with a coat of paint etc etc, but it was homely and the staff were careing

some were certainly not what i would call care homes

in one the chef was very very proud that they kept the batch number of all the (micro meals) food so when they got food posioning they knew where from

yes i asked 3 times but the chef did not actually cook... she heated up ready meals (and boiled the kettle for tea and coffee)

Please please, to anyone, look beyond paintwork. I worked in a care home once that was as appalling as it was beautifully painted. Touching up the walls each week doesn't make care good

YANBU!!! My MIL had alzheimers and there is no way we could have cared for her. My BIL was still living at home with her so he took care of her (he is single, no g/f, kids etc) but if it hadnt been for him she would have had to go into a home.

You are making the best decision for everyone including your mum. Alzheimers is a heart breaking condition and patients require a lot of care all the time - she will be in the best place.

You know YANBU. I think you have made a very unselfish decision and put your mum's needs above your own wishes. I know it won't feel like it at the moment. Don't worry now about whether your mum will need full nursing care, take each day as it comes. Don't feel that you are snooping either, she needs someone to look after her private affairs.

I think it's great that she will be close to you so that you can do short but frequent visits to see her, beneficial as you tend to run out of conversation after a while. Her memories will all be from the past.

I agree with the others who advise being economical with the truth of what you let your mum know. My aunt would talk very often about her sister in the present tense, even though she had died a few years earlier. The first time her DC explained gently that her sister was no longer living, she got really upset because she thought her sister had died that day, in the hospital where she was, and no-one had told her! They found that they had difficulty pinpointing which era my aunt was in (in her own mind) so it was easier and kinder to just go along with what she was saying. They also made the decision not to tell her when her husband died, because she would not be able to take it in or even remember it.

So sorry for you and DD.

It's been a dreadful, dreadful day. Mum is terribly confused and keeps asking why she is there and when she can see her DP.

He passed away this evening.

I just don't know how I am going to face her with this fake cheerfulness tomorrow.

Oh you poor love x

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for you downnotout , you sound like a wonderfully caring person. Your mum is lucky to have you xx

Oh down So sorry. Wishing you strength.

So sorry to hear the news tonight. Wishing you lots of strength over the
coming weeks.

so sorry to read this

i hope in time it gets easier

I am afraid because I am responsible for her now. I am in control of what happens to her but I am not coping very well at all.

Just another one to say Yanbu. What a difficult situation for you :( have a genuine < hug>
From professional experience (elderly care nurse) I know that in practical terms it is incredibly difficult to care for people with a Dementia at home. They often need 24/7 care and night care isn't readily available/ horrendously expensive and you have a family to care for.
Fron personal experience, both my Grandmas are still with us and both have dementia. Both have had to go to a care home because it was in their best interests. One was 5 years ago but one was quite recent. We didn't realise how much grandma was struggling til we saw the improvement in the home! She's gained 1/2 stone, her kidney problems have resolved (she wasn't drinking enough), her mobility has improved and we are all reassured she's safe - including her.

I know it's a weight on you to feel responsible for her now. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum's DP. I do think you've done the right thing. Your Mum might settle a bit when she gets more familiar with her surroundings and is well fed. Are you going to tell her her DP has died?

It has been suggested that I tell white lies

Ie that we will go soon

Or it's raining today

Or he wants us to wait while he gets his strength back.

And eventually she will forget to ask. But I don't know if I can do it. If I tell her once I will have to tell her 50 times and each time she will be devastated because it will be like she's hearing it for the first time.

It is such a difficult situation with such a horrible illness. I have lost many hours sleep worrying about my uncle in the 18 months since I became responsible for him. Having to make decisions for another adult is very very hard but you have to do what will keep them safe and well.

As I said in my pp, my uncle stopped asking how long he was staying in the home etc after 8 weeks. He now seems to accept that although he can't believe he needs to live in a home he knows it is for the best.

I can complete understand considering lying about her DP. Initially I found it upsetting to continually be telling my uncle my dad and his parents had gone but like all the repetitive conversations it does fall into a pattern and he seems to now know the answer before he asks me the question but still needs to ask the question, if that makes sense. We have been repeating the same brief answer for over 6 months and I think till he slips to the next stage of the illness he will keep asking.

Can you start by telling her a white lie for a week or so whilst you see how you can handle dealing with everything and everything is so raw? Then decide what to tell her long term?

Remember to have some time out for yourself too I found it emotionally exhausting moving my uncle to a home and I didn't have the close bond of it being a parent.

I Understand it's difficult if she's not going to retain it, it'll cause Indye distress. We were fortunate with my (other) Grandma, she'd say 'I suppose he died' when she'd forgotten which make it easier to confirm.

I hope you got some sleep - you have to look after yourself at this time, ok?!

InDye = undue.

The home I work in says we don't do nursing care. The reality is that we tend to get so fond of people that by the time they need it, there is no way they could be sent on to anywhere else. In the three years I have been there, there has only been one person sent to a nursing home, and that was because she needed two people to turn her and change her at night.

The place she is in sounds very like the one I work in, older building, redecorated often.

The owners looks after the staff well too. They care about us and the people we look after. Which means they keep good staff.

Can you tell I love my job?

I don't know how I'm going to manage my own grief today when I'm faced with all the questions.

I'm sat here crying now, I think it's just hit me. I think I'm just going to have to say he's popped out for a while and change the subject because telling her he is in hospital is making her anxious.

MammaTj they said pretty much the same as you have- that they manage end of life care very well. They like to keep them there unless it becomes impossible. Can you tell me though- do you ever judge the families? Like why they don't look after their own? I feel terribly guilty- yet I know she is beyond me being capable of caring for her.

Fresh01 yes that cycle of repetitive questions is exactly how she is. A set of eight or so questions, worded exactly the same, leading questions because she is fixating on the words hospital, stroke etc, but still every time the appropriate responses to the answers we give ie shock, concern and then a worried look flashes across her face. Over and over.

I will have to be so careful today to hold on to my emotions, if I am upset it will scare her. She needs time, we all do.

Absolutely not!! I would never judge anyone for it at all. It is so hard to deal with at home, I know I could never do it and I have years of experience. Just the fact that they are changed so much from the person they used to be is so much harder for a relative to handle than it is for those who care for a job. Then there is the 24 hour needs of someone with dementia. That is impossible for one person to see to.

OK, I will make a judgement, that judgement is that you have totally done the right thing, with your DMs best interests at heart.

A lot of the people I look after do the repetative question thing. Where is my mum? (From a 98 year old chap!) Where am I? Where is my wife? (long dead) being favourites.

I am sorry you are having to go through this, and for what is worth I think the decision to use a care home is entirely up to you and nothing to feel guilty about.

On a practical level (not easy when you are in the middle of a deeply emotional situation) - you will need to talk to DP's family and work out what the legal status is of the house they lived in together, and what assets they had, and where you mum now stands financially. This will affect how you pay for the care home and that may well turn out to be a big issue because they are not cheap.

Also you probably need to sort out power of attorney if she is at all capable of signing one.

Try and get as much help from family as possible - don't take it all on yourself if you can help it.