To be putting mum in a home?

[Downnotout]

Has anyone done this?

Mum has Alzheimer's. She divorced my Dad 18 years ago and has had a partner for the last 10 years. They are not married. They lived in a rural location 2 1/2 hours away from me, no other family close by. He has been her carer since she was diagnosed.

He is very seriously ill in hospital, it happened yesterday and is getting worse by the hour. Mum was placed in temporary care by social services. I am going to get her tomorrow and bring her here, so me and my sister are closer to her. I am going to put her in a home.

I am finding it difficult to come to terms with the decision I have made, although it believe it to be the right decision. My sister and brother agree with what I am doing. It is a nice home, I have viewed a few, and it is in the perfect location for my sister and myself to visit every day. But it is still a home.

Conversely I cared for my father when he was dying, two years ago, in my own home. I don't feel I can go through that again. My relationship with mum was non existent after their divorce. She was very bitter, had some mental health issues and completely cut me out of her life. It is only in the last five years that I have started to rebuild our relationship. It is as if the dementia took away all the bitterness and she forgot that she was depressed, so she became very sweet and gentle. Sadly she has had little contact with her grandchildren.

I don't know how I am going to explain to her why we are doing this. She will not be able to take it in as her memory span is so short. She forgets what you have said and asks the same questions over and over. It is also almost certain she will never see her partner again as I suspect he is not going to make it and I am going to have to try and break that news to her at some point.

This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Please don't think of it as "putting her in a home" we all need to live in different environments at different times in her life and she is simply moving to the place that can offer her the most at this particular time. If it is a good home she will have company, good food, activities to join in and a much better life than if she was bewildered and lonely in her isolated home.

So sorry to hear the sad news about your mums DP.

I think a meeting with the DP's family would be beneficial. He might have left a will and also they will want to know what is happening to the house and so on (if he was a co or sole owner for example, collect his personal belongings and go through any documents etc. You never know, they might turn out to be extremely helpful and supportive.

I would get the advice of a solicitor especially if there is no will and also to organise Power of Attorney for yourself which was previously held by the DP.

I am also trying to ignore the fact that I am supposed to be going on holiday next week. Other people are travelling with us and would not be able to go if I didn't -too complicated to explain- but there is no way we could cancel now- there are lots of flights on different dates and people flying at different times. Oh God it's a nightmare.

I' m not so worried about mum in that respect. My sister and other family are here to cover all the visiting. But I would miss the funeral and therefore mum wouldn't be able to go as there would be no one to drive here that far, there is no public transport and of course, then there would be the distress all over again. I am in an impossible situation - no matter what I do I will be letting people down!

You sound like you are stuck letting someone down no matter which way you turn. I am sure you would have liked to have been at the funeral to pay your respects but is it maybe easier for your mum not being there? Could you and her go to the graveside together when you return to pay your respects together and just gloss over the fact there had been a funeral by saying his family had sorted it all out? Would she be able to cope with a funeral service and all the people there, I know my uncle couldn't cope with a funeral at the moment. Different scenario but we recently didn't invite my uncle to Dc4's christening as we worked out that overall given his illness it was kinder for him to not be under the pressure of attending something he could no longer cope with.

Go and enjoy your holiday safe in the knowledge that going to the funeral would probably not be in her best interests. She is cared for and safe and you will be in a better position to be there for her having had the holiday and being refreshed.

You are both right. She wouldn't cope.

She was very distressed at dads funeral two years ago. She had sat through the whole church service fine, but when we got to the graveside she was asking whose funeral it was and then started crying that she couldn't believe it, as if she had only just heard. And that was two years ago when they'd been divorced 16 years. She was nowhere near as badly affected by the dementia then as she is now.

You have answered your own question. As MamaTj said go enjoy your holiday and come back refreshed as your mum will need you to be more involved from now on even just sorting mail and making phone calls on their behalf takes time and brain space. She will be safe and cared for in the home and you said you had other family members to visit her. Your family need you as well as your mum.

I agree. It's sad neither of you can go but you'd spend the whole service telling her and comforting her. My Grandma came to our wedding but had no idea who was getting married but at least it was a happy occasion!

You need a holiday! And now you can go safe in the knowledge she's being well looked after.

I agree that you should go on the holiday, but make sure the family of your mum's DP understand totally why neither you nor your mum can be at the funeral. Can any of your siblings go to represent your mum ?

I think it will make your life much easier over the next few months if you can keep on good terms with the family of your mum's partner, at least until all their joint assets have been sorted out. You really don't need the added stress of family feuds on top of having to cope with your mother's illness.

I know. I am very worried about this.

Mums DP and his son had power of attorney. She appointed them in 2004 when relations were very strained between us. Obviously much has changed since then. Particularly over the last three or four years. The Alzheimer's meant she had forgotten we had fallen out (she blamed me for taking dads side after their divorce, moved away from me and DSis and has never tried to have any contact with her only grandchildren, my DCs)

She forgot the bitterness she felt towards us and, for a while became the woman I imagine she would have been if it wasn't for the depression and MH issues that she suffered from all through my childhood. It was like she had forgotten to be depressed. We were able to build a relationship and whilst they lived too far away for me to visit very often I was in constant contact with them and had a very good relationship with her DP. I helped him with finding day care so he could get a break. He was reluctant to leave her but it became increasingly obvious that he needed help as mums condition deteriorated.

There home was bought jointly under the terms that either of them could stay in it in the event of the others death. No one could be forced to sell. All finances were separate and their wills state that their own shares passed to their respective families and not to each other. They never married. I have had to deal with lots of financial stuff since Dad died as they still owned some property jointly.

Am now faced with dealing with the son, who I have never met. I know mum has money in different accounts but I don't know where or exactly how much. When I went to mums home to collect clothes and things she might want with her they hovered over me. Clearly they were afraid I would take something that belonged to their Dad. So I just took some clothes and shoes and a couple of books that they said I could take. I felt like I was snooping in someone else's home, it was obvious that they regarded it as their Dads home, but it was mums as well. It was awful.

I need to discuss things with him pretty quickly as there is a lot to sort out for mum. But how can I bring up money when his Dad has just died, having never met him? It makes me seem grasping and like I'm just after the money. All she has is some coppers in her purse and a cheque book. But I have no idea if there is any money in that account. I can cover bits and pieces but I can't begin to cover care fees. There is also the ongoing cost of the property that mum and dad owned which I am responsible for 1/6 of, but I can't pay for mums 50% share of. The insurance needs renewing next week and that is £1000's.

I think all you can do is be honest. Contact him, say how sorry you are about his dad. Explain why your mum and you can't be at the funeral. Explain how complicated it is with your mum. Ask about power of attorney - is the son had it as well, then that is still valid and you have to go through him. Presumably he is legally responsible. I am guessing he would probably like to pass that over to you now - but I am not sure how that is done legally.

You need to talk to him, and say I guess neither of us know how to do this. But I guess he is going have to figure all sorts out as part of winding up his fathers estate and your mum and her status is probably the most complicated part of that. Might be best if you arrange a joint meeting with you both and a solicitor who can help you figure out what you need to do.

I think you and the son need to get in touch with the insurance firm and explain the situation, that one resident of the house is deceased and the other is suffering from Alzheimer's which means she cannot deal with the finances, and is no longer resident because of this. They might be able to help you with a delay in payment until the finances are sorted, especially as the bank accounts get frozen until probate is granted. This might result in the house not being covered though.

I think that as the son has power of attorney at the moment, and as his father did too, he would be the best person to sort this out because I'm sure his dad would need to make sure the bills were paid. I know from personal experience that being bereaved doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of getting the death registered and sending certificates or copies to banks, pension providers, and so on.

If he disputes you taking anything from the house you can suggest you hand every bit of paperwork over to a solicitor who will contact everyone and deal with it - but it will be very expensive and would be quicker to sort a lot of things yourselves. He should remember that he has no right to exclude you from going through documents and so on which are your mother's personal property, especially as I doubt he would take on the responsibility of organising your mum's care and so on with his power of attorney. It is in his interests to let you find out what you need to about your mums' own finances in order to help with the bills.

Please protect your mums' share in the house, there is still the risk that he could sell the house in his P of A (supposedly for her care) and make off with the money. My mums' solicitor told us that when she was widowed and was afraid of making unwise decisions as she became older and more infirm, and we discussed P of A.

I think you and the son need to get in touch with the insurance firm and explain the situation, that one resident of the house is deceased and the other is suffering from Alzheimer's which means she cannot deal with the finances, and is no longer resident because of this. They might be able to help you with a delay in payment until the finances are sorted, especially as the bank accounts get frozen until probate is granted. This might result in the house not being covered though.

I think that as the son has power of attorney at the moment, and as his father did too, he would be the best person to sort this out because I'm sure his dad would need to make sure the bills were paid. I know from personal experience that being bereaved doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of getting the death registered and sending certificates or copies to banks, pension providers, and so on.

If he disputes you taking anything from the house you can suggest you hand every bit of paperwork over to a solicitor who will contact everyone and deal with it - but it will be very expensive and would be quicker to sort a lot of things yourselves. He should remember that he has no right to exclude you from going through documents and so on which are your mother's personal property, especially as I doubt he would take on the responsibility of organising your mum's care and so on with his power of attorney. It is in his interests to let you find out what you need to about your mums' own finances in order to help with the bills.

Please protect your mums' share in the house, there is still the risk that he could sell the house in his P of A (supposedly for her care) and make off with the money. My mums' solicitor told us that when she was widowed and was afraid of making unwise decisions as she became older and more infirm, and we discussed P of A.