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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be sad and a bit annoyed at this...

57 replies

paradisechick · 02/07/2012 12:32

I have a 5 year old and a 12 week old. I have a sister with a 7 year old and a 9 year old. I also have another sister and my mum, we all live within a 10 minute drive of each other.

I'm on maternity leave, this is the first summer holidays I'll have had with my son when I've not been working so I fully understand how tricky the holidays are to juggle regarding childcare. When speaking to my mum a couple of weeks ago she offered to take the baby now and again so I could have some time with my son doing things that the baby might not be able to come along to so easily (ie swimming, cinema).

My sister works, 4 days a week. She isn't with her children's dad anymore and he is unreliable at best. She does have a partner she's been with for 6 years now but they don't live together. She is only taking one week of the summer holidays of. Her partner doesn't help out with childcare and she won't ask her ex as, her words, 'I don't want him to think I need him'. Trouble is she needs someone! So in steps my mum, again. My sister has only booked her children into 1 week of holiday club leaving the other 5 (as she's off 1) to my mum. She has managed to cut her days down to 3 but that's still 3 days a week my mum is going to have them. That'll include some sleepovers.

So I'm sat thinking, maybe a little selfishly, what about me? And more importantly, what about DS? She very, very rarely takes him overnight in compariosn to how often she takes my sisters kids. Since the baby arrived my son has had one sleepover at my mums. My sisters kids have had at least 6. I feel like my son is missing out on this time with my mum. My sisters ex MIL (the 'other granny') isn't involved or interested so I feel my mum is trying to compensate for this. My son has his 'other granny' who is very hands on and he spends a lot of time there. It's not about me wanting free time but it just feels the balance is long.

When we were leaving my mums yesterday she said to my son 'we'll get some sleepovers over the holiday' but I'm sat thinking 'when?' She's going to be so busy with the other 2 I don't want to add to that. I think it's too much for her although I'm sure she would say no.

It just annoys me that my sister doesn't look to her partner, her ex, her friends etc to share the load. I'm to nice, I hardly ever ask my mum to take my son and never have because she always seems to be doing so much for my sisters 2. I know I'm luck to have my partner and in laws support which my sister doesn't but I just feel my son's (and I'm guessing in time, the baby's) relationship with my mum isn't equal in comparison to my sisters.

So, I am being unreasonable aren't I?

OP posts:
TodaysAGoodDay · 02/07/2012 12:35

Not sure about that one. Have you actually asked your mum to have your DS at all?

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 12:40

I think you are in danger of over-thinking things a little. Don't make the dangerous quantum leap of concluding that your relationship with your mum is not equal to that with your sister. Your sister's circumstances are very different (from what you describe) and she has different needs for childcare at the moment. But don't brood on this, get together with your mum and actually work out when you'd like her to help with your ds.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/07/2012 12:41

Well, it sounds like you have more options available to you for childcare than your sis does.

OK yes her ex should pull his weight but I totally get her point about not wanting to ask her partner as they dont live together and I dont see why you think she should ask her friends.

Must be hurtful for you but just be thankful you have a supportive partner and inlaws so that its not a problem.

Speak to your mum about how you are feeling- she will probably be quite mortified you feel that way.

Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 12:41

I don't even need her to take him as I'm not working but she has offered him a sleepover and to have the baby so ds and I can have a bit of time together but I can't see when and would feel bad as she's doing so much already.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:41

Is it not possible for her to have your son and his cousins at the same time?

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:42

and why can you not spend time with your mum, your son, your baby and your nephew/neices.. is that not what family do?

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 12:43

At the moment you are assuming that your dm can't deliver the promised sleepover but why not take her at her word? You are in danger of upsetting yourself over nothing right now.

Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 12:44

I don't like the 3 of them together unless I'm there my sisters older one is quite bullying and has been caught trying wo choke my son before.

OP posts:
Teeb · 02/07/2012 12:46

Your sister is a working single mother, so her childcare needs will be more than yours as someone with an extended network of family and currently on maternity leave. When your baby is older your sisters children will be young teenagers and probably won't want to spend all of their time at grandmas. I don't think life works out equally fair day in day out, but over time things will even themselves out, and I'm sure she enjoys having all of her grandchildren with her.

squeakytoy · 02/07/2012 12:46

Well there is nothing to stop you being there with them all, making sure they play nicely together.

hermioneweasley · 02/07/2012 12:47

If you're worried about your mum having too much on her hands, why don't you help your sister?

I can't imagine how hard it is to be a lone parent, and she's only got one set of grandparents to help. I bet she looks at your set up and wishes she had the support you have.

nosleepwithworry · 02/07/2012 12:50

I am in an almost identical position as you paradise.
I wouldnt presume to advise because what works for me, may not work for you.
What i do is suck it up and shut up. I dont complain because whats the point?

I make my own arrangements and my mum doesnt come into those arrangements becuase she is entirely tied up 6 days a week with my 2 sisters kids.
They assume and presume, never ask, just dump their kids on my mum, sometimes an hour before!
I dont comment, and dont get involved.
As a result, i am an outsider, my son is tenuously connected to my mum, but it is really like he belongs to some where else, not her. He is like a guest in her house, not her grandson.

She never offers, and never asks about him.
Its very hard, but its become kind of "how it is" now. Its fine tbh. I dont want to burden her any more than she already is.
It doesnt upset me and ds doesnt notice really so its fine.

Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 12:51

I know I'm lucky I just feel my son is missing out on time with my mum because he's fortunate enough to have my in laws and his dad about.

OP posts:
nosleepwithworry · 02/07/2012 12:55

yeah, i agree, it is a shame he is missing out.
Could you book a date with her in a few weeks maybe, when she has a free afternoon? For maybe a couple of hours maybe?

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 12:55

He's only going to miss out on time with your dm if you continue to be so pessimistic and envious of your sister and so determined to ensure a state of inequality exists. Why not wait and see how the summer turns out? Your fears may well not be realised and if they are, you cross that bridge by having a sensible discussion with your mother.

Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 12:56

On a slightly related note at what time does a partner start helping out with childcare? They've been together 6 years, they don't live together yet but spend most of their time at each others houses with the kids and talk about living together. He's generally hands on with them but if sister wants a night out the kids go to mums.

OP posts:
overtherooftops · 02/07/2012 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teeb · 02/07/2012 13:03

That's really entirely up to your sister and her partner, there is no obligation that the man your sister is dating should suddenly turn into 'daddy' or a childminder.

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:03

It's not possible to have a balance. Your mum is giving out her time where it is needed the most and as a sister, you shouldn't really deny them that.

What about the father of your children? What about his parents, your children's other grandparents? You say he has a very hands-on granny so you do actually have some help there.

In your OP you didn't mention once how draining this might all be for your mother. Is your father alive or does she have the kids on her own? Can you imagine how hard it must be for someone her age having little ones over for sleepovers every week of the summer hols? How about doing something for her? How about getting together with your sisters and arranging a treat for your mum?

You sound as though you are only focusing on what you don't have rather than what you do have.

You have a fantastic mum who tries her best to help out her daughters.
You have 2 sisters who you are close to.
You have the other granny who loves to have your son.
You don't have to worry about working during the summer hols.

I don't really see what you have got to complain about.

Pandemoniaa · 02/07/2012 13:04

There's no set time when a non-resident partner would start helping with the children. From what you say, your sister's partner is generally hands on but perhaps he's not ready/willing to undertake overnight care just yet and will do this if and when they live together. It's not really your business though, is it?

RackandRuin · 02/07/2012 13:05

I do know something of how you are feeling. My mother spends far more time with my sisters child than she does with mine and I can only see the situation getting worse. And I do worry about the relationship they will have long term. It's easy to get into a position were your sisters needs out weigh your wants.

However, it sounds like your mother really wants to spend time with your children and is keen to have sleepovers. So do take her up on her offer. She will probably be really insulted if you think she would be to tired to cope. (I bet she's not that much older than me!)

TheRhubarb · 02/07/2012 13:05

And I'm sure your mum DOES spend time with your son. It might not be as much as the others, but that's just the way life is. The summer hols are notoriously busy and your mum will be run off her feet. How about she takes him for a sleepover one weekend after the summer hols?

If she wants to that is. The poor woman might feel obliged to have these children staying over but might actually wish things were easier.

Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 13:27

I just think it's too much for my mum and my sister doesn't try to lighten the load. She could take more annual leave, her allowance is as generous as mine (8 weeks) and I managed to take 3 over the course of the summer last year. She could use more holiday club, it runs for 3 weeks but she's only using one. She could get her ex on board (he doesn't work) but chooses not to and never has, she could ask her best mate - who is a childminder (tax credits etc) with spaces over the summer. She could do these things but doesn't, she just puts it all on mum. Last summer I managed, with inlaws or partner stepping in (all work full time) to cover it all with minimal help from mum (2 days if I recall).

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisechick · 02/07/2012 13:28

*without inlaws or partner stepping in.

I mention them because that's the support I have that she doesn't.

OP posts:
Teeb · 02/07/2012 13:39

Has your mother ever told you she is finding it a struggle having to care for your sisters children, or that she doesn't want to do it? You are swinging between being annoyed by how much care your mother does for your sister, and then being annoyed that she doesn't do as much for you.