AIBU to be sad and a bit annoyed at this...

[paradisechick]

I have a 5 year old and a 12 week old. I have a sister with a 7 year old and a 9 year old. I also have another sister and my mum, we all live within a 10 minute drive of each other.

I'm on maternity leave, this is the first summer holidays I'll have had with my son when I've not been working so I fully understand how tricky the holidays are to juggle regarding childcare. When speaking to my mum a couple of weeks ago she offered to take the baby now and again so I could have some time with my son doing things that the baby might not be able to come along to so easily (ie swimming, cinema).

My sister works, 4 days a week. She isn't with her children's dad anymore and he is unreliable at best. She does have a partner she's been with for 6 years now but they don't live together. She is only taking one week of the summer holidays of. Her partner doesn't help out with childcare and she won't ask her ex as, her words, 'I don't want him to think I need him'. Trouble is she needs someone! So in steps my mum, again. My sister has only booked her children into 1 week of holiday club leaving the other 5 (as she's off 1) to my mum. She has managed to cut her days down to 3 but that's still 3 days a week my mum is going to have them. That'll include some sleepovers.

So I'm sat thinking, maybe a little selfishly, what about me? And more importantly, what about DS? She very, very rarely takes him overnight in compariosn to how often she takes my sisters kids. Since the baby arrived my son has had one sleepover at my mums. My sisters kids have had at least 6. I feel like my son is missing out on this time with my mum. My sisters ex MIL (the 'other granny') isn't involved or interested so I feel my mum is trying to compensate for this. My son has his 'other granny' who is very hands on and he spends a lot of time there. It's not about me wanting free time but it just feels the balance is long.

When we were leaving my mums yesterday she said to my son 'we'll get some sleepovers over the holiday' but I'm sat thinking 'when?' She's going to be so busy with the other 2 I don't want to add to that. I think it's too much for her although I'm sure she would say no.

It just annoys me that my sister doesn't look to her partner, her ex, her friends etc to share the load. I'm to nice, I hardly ever ask my mum to take my son and never have because she always seems to be doing so much for my sisters 2. I know I'm luck to have my partner and in laws support which my sister doesn't but I just feel my son's (and I'm guessing in time, the baby's) relationship with my mum isn't equal in comparison to my sisters.

So, I am being unreasonable aren't I?

So you think it's too much for your mum yet you still want your mum to make time for your son as well?

Bit contradictory isn't it?

Holiday clubs are bloody expensive. And you say she has taken one week off - well the summer hols are 6 weeks unless I'm mistaken, so that leaves 5 weeks. She's booked them into a holiday club for another week so that's 4 weeks that your mother is having them.

Tax credits pay up to 75% of the costs of childcare. That's the maximum you get. She might well get less than half her costs paid. Then there's the children themselves who might not want to go to holiday club, very few children do. They will want to spend that time with granny and she may well have offered.

She's offered to take your son too, bless her. So she is trying to please everyone.

I still think you need to rally your sisters round and do something nice to say thanks to your mum. Doing this has plenty of advantages. Not only will it make your mum feel great, but it will also remind your sisters how much your mum does for them and they might, once they have talked to you and each other, decide that they are asking a little too much and back off a bit.

No she hasn't and I don't think she would. She's the type to keep everyone happy and I know she'll want to balance it out but I just think she does more than enough and try to not take her up on offers whereas my sister just seems to pile it on and not think about it.

The more I rationalise it I don't think it's a case of wanting my mum to match what she does for my sister. I just wish my sister eased up a bit so I didn't feel bad about taking up the offers from mum. Does that make sense?

God I dread to imagine how left out my other sister feels. She's child free.

But how do you know your sis piles it on your mum and doesnt think about it - for all you know your mum may be telling her its no problem and anytime etc etc......I know thats what my mum would have said.

its hard being a working mum when you dont have much back up so just be thankful you arent in that position.

Betty that probably is what my mum says but it doesn't take much to think it through and see it's a lot does it not?

I am a working mum under normal circumstances. I've said that and god I know it's not easy. Yeah, I'm not single but the support I have that she doesn't (partner and in laws) aren't around to help during the week. My partner is out until at least 7pm and in laws work full time and live about an hour away. They take the children at the weekends occasionally but can't help with working times.

I can confirm how hard it is. I need childcare for 3 days a week during the hols. I have taken one week off (and getting that week was like pulling teeth) and because we have no friends or family nearby I have booked them into a holiday club for 3 weeks which they are not looking forward to at all. The club charges £35 a day for both of them which is currently more than I am being paid. I am applying for childcare tax credit but can't do that until a week before the childcare starts and I have no idea how much, if any, of the costs they will cover.

A local girl in her twenties is sitting for me for one week and I've yet to fill the other week. I feel dreadful for my kids as their friends are telling them about the holidays they are going on and we're not going anywhere. So if I had a granny nearby who offered to take them I'd be biting her hand off!

But I would also make sure she was thanked properly.

I think you are wrong to be jealous but I do understand you wanting your kids to see your mum too. I guess you just have to put yourself in your sister's boots.

God I dread to imagine how left out my other sister feels. She's child free.

Not necessarily. It may be that she is nowhere near determined to step into the role of Second Class and Abandoned Sister.

I don't think it is an equal comparison between your husband not getting in until 7 and being a single parent. Your husband can cook you dinner and do housework, he can do bath times, he can do morning wake ups. You have someone to speak to and to watch tv with in the evenings and share the burden and joys of parenting. Your sister is ultimately responsible 100% day in and out.

I don't think it would help to know that you were speculating about her relationship and arrangements with her own mother. Do you think your mother is a vulnerable adult that is being taken advantage of and needs someone to make her decisions on her behalf?

Tbh a 7 and 9 year old can entertain themselves so all your mum needs to do is feed them if she doesnt want to take them out. And it's 3 days a week yes? That leaves 4 more days for your DS to have a sleepover or for your mum to have the baby. I'd say looking after either of your two would be more work for her than the older ones

Teeb I'm not saying that him working until 7 is the same as being a single parent, I mention that because I have to count him out in terms of being available to do the childcare as he's not around.

Pandemonia, wow, thanks for giving me a title - in fact 2! I feel special.

You've said her ex is unreliable so she's prob reluctant to ask him in case he lets her down

She doesn't live with her DP so why should he have responsibility for childcare (fwiw I don't live with my DP - he has picked the kids up from school for me twice in the 5 years we've been together when I've been stuck. They're not his kids so why should he take responsibility for them?)

So what's she supposed to do?

You sounds a bit entitled - you want your mom to take the baby at one time (not out of necessity so you can work but because it would be "nice"), and you are moaning that she doesn't have the other one enough as well.

How about your DH (remember - the other parent of your kids) has some time off in the summer so you can do what you want with either / both kids

Rhubarb I totally do appreciate it, I've been juggling it for 4 years since I went back to work after DS and there's been many a time I've went out to work for a loss.

When I did first go back to work my mum was tripping over herself to offer help but I wanted to know I could do it myself and not have to rely on her as I didn't think it was fair. My sister on the other hand bit her hand off and uses my mum 2 evenings a week (for school pick up, tea etc) whilst she's at work and has done for 5 years now. I know my mum finds this hard, especially as when she started doing it she was still at work. That's on top of weekends she'll take them and all that she does over the holidays. All of this are the reasons I firstly don't ask for much and secondly, refuse offers becuase I think my mum does too much.

Maybe I should be as ruthless as my sister and say yes and ask more but I've not got the heart. I tend to think my mum deserves a bit of a life.

My DP, the parent, is taking half of his annual allowance when we go away in September. The other half he took when I had the baby.

My mum offered to take the baby so I could do stuff with DS that I couldn't otherwise which I thought was nice. Nice for my son has his little world has been rocked since the baby arrived.

But that's the difference. You didn't want to rely on anyone and you had a partner that you could discuss issues with and just have those essential adult conversations with. Your sister probably does appreciate all your mother does for her and let's face it, your sister didn't ask but your mother offered.

Still, suggest you all do something for your mum and it might just get her thinking about how much she puts on her mum.

The thing is you're around during the holiday, by your own admission it's the first time so that's to be pleased about rather than getting in a spin (ate probably over nothing given you haven't discussed it with your mum and sister).

I'm sure your mum will be scrupulously fair re your DS, it certainly sounds so. I think perhaps you're in danger of over thinking this is a problem before it really is.

Re the baby, well DM can see her anytime the other 3 are at school, so time-wise she's the outright winner no?

Surely though if you've been with someone that long and you're together for the forseeable (ie making plans to live together, talking about engagement etc) then why should that partner not get involved more? That genuinly puzzles me because it's a situation I've never been in. If a new partner wants to be part of your life and you've got children surely it isn't unreasonable to think that they'd help out with the kids down the line. And 6 years is quite far down the line.

The 2 nights a week my mum does pick ups etc, he's finished work and at my sisters house waiting for her to come in with the kids after she collects them from my mums - could he not be doing it?

Enjoy I am looking forward to it! That's why I wasn't looking for her to take DS over the holidays but she did offer to take the baby so we could do some things that the baby won't be able to tag along with. Swimming is one of those things along with a rock pooling event our local rangers have organised. For all I love my sling I don't fancy traipsing about slippy rock pools! The pool won't let us in all together, we will go at the weekends when DP is home though so that isn't such an issue.

I wasn't looking for her to take DS, she's offered (to try and keep it fair I suspect) but I feel bad for accepting due to all she does for my sister.

So I'm sat feeling resentful at my sister and sorry for my mum but neither are doing anyhting wrong or being taken advantage of. I have to much time on my hands, am overthinking stuff. Need to get on and enjoy what I have planned for the holidays and get back to work.

Paradise TBH your sister sounds the same as mine.......I work full time and in holiday times although I drop down to 3 days per week it is sometimes a struggle getting childcare. I manage though.....my sis on the other hand, she likes to make people feel guilty because she is on her own with the kids, she seems to think that people should be tripping over themselves to have her kids and that she shouldnt even have to ask.

I just let her get on with it, I would hate to be like that, I prefer to be independent and sort out my own issues without railroading others into doing it for me.

I think when you have been a LP you get very used to coping on your own and not asking for help all the time.

My DP has his own kids. I don't expect him to take on childcare responsibility for mine when we don't live together. Maybe your sister feels the same. Maybe, like your DH, he has to work and can't take time off like your DH can't.

And you still haven't answered, what else do you expect your sister to do when her own mother offers to help her? Say no in case it interferes with the odd days out that you thought would be nice for your DS?

Instead of feeling resentful, perhaps you could offer to help her, being as you're not at work atm. Isn't that what families do instaed of keeping score of who's doing what? I know that in this situation, my mom and sister would both help me out, no questions asked. So would I.

Curry with a young baby in tow I don't really feel up to adding 3 boistuirous boys into the mix as well. I feel bad enough for the fact my son is missing out on me when I'm sitting for what feels like hours on end feeding the baby without spreading myself any thinner at the moment. They do need constant supervision, like I've said the oldest is bullying and has seriously hurt my son on occasion. Before I went on maternity leave we did do childcare for each other.

I expect her to maybe stop and think about what she's taking from my mum and look at the available alternatives from time to time to free my mum up a bit more.

To free your mum up more to do what? Help you out?

OP, you have to make compromises. What you might want in an ideal world and what you get are often 2 very different things.

Maybe to free my mum up to the extent that I won't feel bad about accpeting her offers of help. Not to take mine for 3 days a week when there's no need, not to take mine every 2nd weekend when she's not got my sisters but maybe just enough so it doesn't feel like by me saying yes my mum will have no time to do what she wants. Which is why I don't ask or refuse a lot of the time.

Does that make me entitled? A martyr? A total cow to my sister?

It sounds a bit like you're Suffering from second child guilt OP.

If you really want some quality one-on-one time with your ds why don't you either take your mum up on her offer, or make alternative arrangements (dp/in-laws etc)?

There may be a myriad of reasons as to why your sister works her childcare the way that she does, and you sound quite critical and unkind about her parenting/choices.

No amount of justification on your part (eg: dp works late) puts you both in even mildly similar positions.

Lone parenting is hard.
Parenting two young children is hard.
Why the competition?

It woul probably do you a lot of good to stop focusing on your sister and her choices/parenting etc, and to look at your own family and see what you can do to improve your own happiness.

It sounds like your mother isn't actually telling you that she's in any way unhappy with the arrangement so surely this is a lot of unecessary worry an stress on your part when you're already dealing with plenty of your own stuff?

Am I missing a point there. Your dsis and your Dmother live about 10min from each other right? but her dcs stay at your mum for the night. Why??? Why are they not going back home at the end of the day?

I actually think there is more to it than you said in your OP.
So your dsis and her partner are talking being engaged and living together but her partner is not involved at all in the childcare of the dcs.
And your mum is looking after your dsis children every other weekend?
Did I understand it well?