Father-in-Law difficulties

[Minkymum]

Ok. Firstly I accept that I must be a bad person and I'm expecting to be slated here. But as I am here to learn, that's ok.

My father-in-law of many years drives me mad. He is an attention-seeker ( life and soul of the party-hospital dj-stylee), says desperately tactless and hurtful things, flirts inappropriately, plays family members off against each other then has massive sulks when he feels unappreciated, says nobody likes him and then attempts to buy friendship back with gifts and money. This is something I've never risen to as I think he could just be nice in the first place. Plus he flirts with me- euww.

Sadly, my very lovely MIL died recently. They had been together for a very long time and she stoicly bore the brunt of this behaviour, softening it for the rest of us. I must say he took care of her really admirably during a long, traumatic illness; something that surprised me, given his narcissistic tendencies. Once the funeral ( more of a variety performance with him as compere) was over he was all at sea.

During their marriage, she was his audience. Now she has gone he says we don't call him enough (husband calls him a couple of times a week) because his other DIL and son calls several times a day. Now the spotlight has been turned on to me. 'Why isn't she calling to check on me?". The thing is, I never did before. I'd regularly chat to my MIL because we had things in common and... well... I liked her. I don't like pretending but I don't want to be unkind either. To be honest, I'm not really a regular telephoner anyway; my family and friends are used to this now and know that even if I'm not in touch daily/weekly, I still love them. This is not going to be good enough for my FIL and it makes me very uncomfortable. Like I'm expected to fill the sympathetic woman role. I AM sympathetic, but there is something about him that makes me feel irrationally impatient. The thing is, for years I watched his behaviour upset my MIL and whilst he was there at the end when she needed him, he never put her interests first when she was well. Deep down I think, rightly or wrongly, that this constant stress made her ill. I think I feel a bit cornered. I'd like to feel full of love and compassion, but I don't. Somebody tell me the right thing to do.

Ignore him like you would a tantrumming toddler

You sound like you're doing the right things. But it really should be for his own children to be there for him, especially as you don't feel exactly comfortable with the situation.

He will be all over the place, having lost his wife though, so expect him to need some time to grieve.

I think you need your DH to do the calling. It's his father and not yours. Maybe ask FiL round to a meal sometimes or encourage him to join some kind of a club. Sounds like he'd enjoy more socialising.

Well, there is no right really. You cant force yourself to like him more that you do and there is no point phoning him for the sake of it, it will sound forced and whats the point in that.

Maybe your DH could phone more than twice a week - it is his dad after all.

Just remember, he has lost his wife, he is in turmoil so annoying as you find him just feel a bit compassionate to him. When loud people are depressed or whatever it seems to make them that little bit louder, that little bit more annoying - it's just their way of coping. Inside he is probably crying :(

So yes, maybe if your DH just shows a bit more support and calls him more without counting how many times other people call him.

He socialises every night - literally every night. Lots of the time my DH can't get hold of him. He emails us photos of himself with random women, grinning like a loon sigh

just carry on doing it your way. if you start phoning several times a day, the next thing will be 'why doesn't she come round?' then, 'why can't she say over?'. he's manipulative. make your boundaries clear.

He has often described me as 'unusually independent', 'scary' and a 'strong woman'. These are not meant as compliments. When he visits he also likes to point out that my sink needs cleaning. Lovebunny - feckin' terrified he'll move nearby (currently far away). Yes, he is manipulative and he's never really liked that I won't play the game.

Just point out that he is a grown man - why on earth would he need to be "checked on"? Look puzzled when you ask.

Sounds like he is a complete attention seeker and gets his validation from others paying him attention, what you said about your MIL being an audience and your last post about socialising every night seems to show that.

In the short term you could make sure you call his house when you are sure he is out?

If you do this a couple of times a week and ensure your DH does the actual talking to him, you can "show willing" while he is going through this difficult time without actually having to form a fake relationship with him.

After a while hopefully he will need less attention and will have others to prop him up (has he any genuine friends that he is spending time with?) so you'll be off the hook without having to articulate to him why you'll never be hanging on his every word.

I wonder has he also at some level realised that your relationship was primarily with MIL and perhaps he's a bit jealous?

Just reiterate ( well your dh should) that you are there if he needs you but that just because you ate. It constantly calling him dies not mean you do t care

I guess he feels worried that I maybe don't seem to care that he is 'alone' (ignoring the endless string of social engagements). That's what women DO isn't it? Truth is, if it were my MIL I probably would be 'checking' that she was ok. I really loved her x

Are not constantly calling that should have said ... Stupid iphone

Just point out that he is a grown man - why on earth would he need to be "checked on"?

Erm because he has lost his wife??? Because thats whay families do -look out for each other??

So, onthebottom you could have a point about the jealousy. At the funeral he issued a decree that only family were allowed at the graveside, excluding my MIL's oldest, dearest friend. She is also a 'strong woman' and she pushed her way in anyway. This made me very happy.
No, I don't think he really does have a proper friend; zillions of party friends, but no real ones. My MIL was his best and probably only true friend. Very sad really.

You are not a bad person for not wanting to constantly calling your FIL who you don't really like. And he doesn't sound like he is being neglected by any means.

His children and their spouses are not responsible for his happiness. He has to make a life for himself after his wife.

Of course he has to make a life for himself....but she has only recently died and so he is bound to be all over the place. It will take a while and then probably he will want/need the constant contact a bit less.

My mum died almost 2 years ago and I was always calling my dad just making sure he was ok, knew we were all there for him. I know I am not responsible for his happiness but he is still my dad and I want to make sure he's ok.

I'm a bit at some peoples lack of compassion to be honest :(

My father is a widower but I don't phone him daily. Like your FIL he is active and often out when I do phone. My husband never phones my dad though.
I don't understand why he thinks you should phone him and find the "women's job to phone" thing sexist and would tell him this. It sounds as though you don't even like him. I'd just continue with your husband phoning him, if he complains to your husband that you don't phone him he could back you up with "why should Minky phone you, you aren't her dad, you're mine. I don't phone Minky's parents, she phones them, plus you're fit and active and often out"

Betty, I think if it was my own dad ( and he is a very difficult man too) I would probably be on the phone a lot more. I understand him I think, in a way that I don't really understand my FIL. I understand him wanting to talk to my DH, just not 'unusually independent' me ( particularly when he arranged the seating at the funeral so me and the children sat separately to him and my DH) . I'm very sorry to hear about your mum and hope that things are starting to get easier.
Paiviso, thanks for your supportive words. Not feeling so cruel now.

2rebecca - lol. I like your tone!

Thanks Minky - TBH my dad is fine now, never in, socialises all the time for which I am really glad. The phone calls have lessens as time has gone by but I still check in regularly and he calls me too (He lives in Spain).

yeah, thats why I said dont you feel obliged to call him, its for your DH to sort out.

I don't think it's a lack of compassion, it's a lack of belief in the idea that women should always be the ones phoning and fussing over people just because they are women.
I don't phone my inlaws, they're my husband's parents, he doesn't phone my dad.
Women don't have to take on the caring for the whole world role just because it suits men for them to do this.
Can you imagine Minky's dad phoning up complaining that Minky's husband never phoned and check up on him if his wife had died?
No, because it wouldn't occur to him that this was his "job". He would just expect Minky to phone. Minky's husband wouldn't be lacking compassion for not phoning his FIL any more than Minky is for not phoning her FIL.

I can see that FiL has a need for regular contact with his family. I don't see that it needs to be from the women, that it needs to be daily or that he can't initiate it. If he wanted to talk to you, presumably he could ring you. It does sound rather like it's the attention he wants, rather than the contact.

When my FiL died, I called MiL regularly, but never daily. A few years on, I try to call or email her most weeks, or she will call us. Apart from my mum, DH and my best friend, I don't think I could talk to anyone on the phone every day, I need to save up some conversation.

OP I am sorry for your loss of a lovely MiL.

Ignore him like you would a tantrumming toddler

he's manipulative. make your boundaries clear

Just point out that he is a grown man - why on earth would he need to be "checked on

Nope, agree, no lack of compassion at all

Zilion - thanks. She was pretty darned terrific. I miss her. Interestingly FIL has never asked me about that. But then I guess he has blinkers on at the moment.

OP I have a FIL who demands an audience and partly think it is a 'type'. I also think it is an age thing partly, and also a bit of a class thing. But it is exhausting and I don't think many posters here will really understand just how infuriating and exhausting these people can be and how hard it is to be a DIL to one of them.

However, isn't your job to call but I think you do need to be aware of how difficult the next year will be for him.

I would re-evaluate your relationship with him after that.