Father-in-Law difficulties

[Minkymum]

Ok. Firstly I accept that I must be a bad person and I'm expecting to be slated here. But as I am here to learn, that's ok.

My father-in-law of many years drives me mad. He is an attention-seeker ( life and soul of the party-hospital dj-stylee), says desperately tactless and hurtful things, flirts inappropriately, plays family members off against each other then has massive sulks when he feels unappreciated, says nobody likes him and then attempts to buy friendship back with gifts and money. This is something I've never risen to as I think he could just be nice in the first place. Plus he flirts with me- euww.

Sadly, my very lovely MIL died recently. They had been together for a very long time and she stoicly bore the brunt of this behaviour, softening it for the rest of us. I must say he took care of her really admirably during a long, traumatic illness; something that surprised me, given his narcissistic tendencies. Once the funeral ( more of a variety performance with him as compere) was over he was all at sea.

During their marriage, she was his audience. Now she has gone he says we don't call him enough (husband calls him a couple of times a week) because his other DIL and son calls several times a day. Now the spotlight has been turned on to me. 'Why isn't she calling to check on me?". The thing is, I never did before. I'd regularly chat to my MIL because we had things in common and... well... I liked her. I don't like pretending but I don't want to be unkind either. To be honest, I'm not really a regular telephoner anyway; my family and friends are used to this now and know that even if I'm not in touch daily/weekly, I still love them. This is not going to be good enough for my FIL and it makes me very uncomfortable. Like I'm expected to fill the sympathetic woman role. I AM sympathetic, but there is something about him that makes me feel irrationally impatient. The thing is, for years I watched his behaviour upset my MIL and whilst he was there at the end when she needed him, he never put her interests first when she was well. Deep down I think, rightly or wrongly, that this constant stress made her ill. I think I feel a bit cornered. I'd like to feel full of love and compassion, but I don't. Somebody tell me the right thing to do.

Get his friends round then

Nah I suppose, I don't have much experience with grief, but I do think there is a duty to your family to not behave like dog in heat. especially when their are children involved.

Very wise post Pollydecker.
Most older men cannot cope without a woman. You see, the thing is, they have had somebody to wash their socks for so many years... their quest for another -unpaid?- housekeeper is paramount.

eXPLAIN THAT YOU DON'T USE THE PHONE MUCH FOR FRIENDS/FAMILY BUT TELL him he is free to phone you anytime. sORRY ABOUT THE CAPITALS!!

Hmm. Tough one. He doesn't sound like a particularly comfortable person to be around (pinning you in the corner, flirting, wanting cuddles. demanding attention then pulling the rug out, seeing lots of other women). But then he has just lost his wife/primary audience/sounding board, and he's probably feeling a bit lost.

Could you not just send him a weekly chatty email full of blah blah and pics of the grandchildren? that way he doesn't feel neglected by you, but you don't have to deal with his behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable...

That's a good idea TopSop. Holyfishnets - the erratic capitals are like an attack of the hiccups - v.funny :)

I trust the OP to know when her FIL's being creepy. There's a difference between messed up by bereavement and grim.
An oldish man we knew was in a bar with us by chance a few days after his wife's death (we'd all been to the same event). He said to a woman who slipped near him, "well, you can sit on my lap if you like! I'm a rich widower now! ... ... God, I'm sorry, I just..." Bereavement. Not a creepy guy. Ever trying to flirt with your DiL, ever? Grim and suspicious. I'd keep well out of there. lovebunny has it right. Top woman, that poster :)

I think you should listen to your gut and do exactly what pleases you.

your Dh is ringing him and that's enough IMVHO. He's playing you, as he normally finds women fall at his feet and you're being a challenge to him.
Ignore him and get on with you own life the best way you see fit, and do not give him another thought.

I also think he'll drum up an audience for himself very soon: sometimes these men think a woman's a woman and even though they loved their dead wife, at the end of the day, any woman can fill her shoes.

There is some good advice on here but I would aim for some sort of compromise. You AND/OR your husband increase the contact while the bereavement is recent but don't entangle yourselves in any longterm commitments. Perhaps take him out for the day? (all over in one hit )

I do agree with the poster who said about a "type". My dad was widowed at 42 and he went mental. Staying out late, wouldn't tell anyone where or what he was doing, spending money we didn't have like water while the household and family fell apart. I remember him telling me he couldn't bear the thought of spending the rest of his life alone. He was married to my mother for nearly 20 years but was then dating within 8 months! Fast forward some years to disastrous 2nd marriage and massive financial losses and then a few more years to wife no. 3!!!

Cut your FIL some slack, give him a bit more attention for the moment, then gradually resume normal service.

All the best and sorry for your loss

I was going to say something along similar lines to TopSop. Communicate with him in a way that leaves you a bit more in control.

I could have written your OP in full. FIL is a good father to DH and I love him for that. However, he is attention seeking, can't be arsed with DD anything inconvenient, loves to flirt and on and on. I think he has a PD, probably this one. DH calls him almost every day but he never asks about DD (his DGD). I refuse to pander, even now his DW, my lovely and sorely missed MIL has passed. I know that if I take on the dutiful DIL role I will have it for ever. I may sound like a bitch but I am happy to support DH and my SIL with this stuff. FIL will take and never gives.

Minky you have got his measure. He knows this, doesn't like it much, and is trying it on a bit anyhoo. Good that you have kept your sense of humour about it. I wouldn't give in, as has been said up thread, demands would just increase. But maybe treat it as a Sad thing too, which it is, which would help you to 'manage' him.

@MrsTerryPratchett he does sound a bit PD tbh.

My fil is this 'type' as I said in an earlier post, and I don't want to give him some pop psycology lable, but I do wonder....

however, my fil doesn't flirt but goes on about how sexually attractive he finds pretty much every women in the world and brags about previous sexual conquests to me and his sons in front of his wife.

Applauds 2rebecca and everything she said.

ethelb you're right that the pop psychology label may well be nonsense but it helped me feel for him. Somehow if it is a disorder I can keep from stabbing him with a carving knife when he refuses to sit down for the Christmas dinner I have spent since 5am making.

He also goes on about how attractive everyone in the world thinks he is.

My FIL is the dullest man in existence but reading this thread makes think it could be so much worse. DHs grandfather on the other hand gave me a sloppy kiss on the mouth once instead of a polite social kiss on the cheek was just...unspeakable

2Rebecca is so right... If the OP was male saying his MIL wanted him to ring more often and needed a cuddle the response would be a clear "talk to you DW it is her responsibility".

Trying to imagine my DH ringing my Mum for a chat!!! This hasn't happened in the last 10 years and I don't see that it ever would, wtaf would they say to each other??

forgot to say sorry for the loss of your lovely MIL. How sad.

Thanks Captain. Today I printed off some old photos that were on my phone and there were a couple of my MIL on there. Still surprises me to think she's actually, really gone.

The narcisistic theory is a good one and a hell of a lot of it rings true. Having said that, he really did put his all into looking after her at the end. Can't decide whether it was pure love and compassion or if it was a bit of a project though. Whatever, he was there when she needed round the clock care. I don't want to take this away from him because it was very hard, upsetting, worrying work. He is manic when it comes to tidyness ( even used to drive her - an extremely houseproud woman - to distraction) and he took care of everything.

I know this probably sounds great to lots of people, but it's all part of his being busy, being on-top-of the-world-hand-me-the-microphone-i-keep-in-the kitchen-so-I-can-dazzle-you at-any-given-moment-whether-you-like-it-or-not persona. Exhausting actually, and so transparent. All of your posts have been really helpful and I think of him in a slightly different light now. I feel much better now I know I'm not being completely horrible, but also better because I think the control I now have over the situation may not be a bad thing. That sense of control makes me feel more sympathetic if that makes any sense. :)

Pollydecker

Your situation really resonates with me (unfortunately). I completely understand how you feel and I can see myself where you are late in the future when my MIL goes.

At this time, I'm not entertaining FIL in very much for he has very similar self-centered, narcisstic atributes like your FIL. I'm like you - I just can't do with the pretense because I just cannot be arsed. . I've seen him only ONCE this year and he lives about 6miles from my house. If he can't be bothered (he trully can't), nor can I. So let not pretend to play happy 50s family, because it feels so fake.

IPerhaps there just isn't a right. We hold way too much in people like our FILs thinking just because they are a FIL/Senior member of the family that they ought to be of good standing/behaviour/civil/respectful blah. But you know, they are people like everyone else with flaws. Sooner we realise this, the better. If he was a regular person (and not connected to you as FIL) - would you give him the time of day? Perhaps only you can answer that.

In the meantime hugs to you and a glass of .