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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To mention this to DS's new teacher?

59 replies

MegumiEto · 02/07/2012 10:40

DS is my eldest, so possibly being a bit PFB, but also a bit wary because I never enjoyed school at all and I want him to have a better experience than I did. I also don't know much about how schools operate these days, everything is very different than it was when I went.

DS is going to be one of the very youngest in his year, and will only just have turned four when he starts school this Sept. He's also not spent a lot of time away from home, only had 9hrs a week at preschool since November.

For all that, he's not a shy kid, and has settled in pretty well. BUT, he has a real temper and can be very very defiant if not handled properly. By handled properly, I mean you have to encourage him to do something rather than tell him, threaten him etc. If he perceives that he is being told what to do, it's like a switch flips and he reverts back to the terrible twos - screaming, hitting, kicking, refusing to do anything.

Over time, I've realised the best thing to do for a calm household is to encourage him gently to do things and tell him he is helping me etc. I don't sweat the small stuff and things are a lot smoother.

Preschool has been ok, a few behaviour problems but his carer has handled him brilliantly, and brings the best out of him in the same way i do at home.

I'm worried that when he moves up to school, he might just seem like a naughty kid and just get an endless series of punishments rather than have the best brought out of him if the teacher doesn't realise how to handle him.

On the other hand, maybe it would be best if he realised he can't behave like a silly toddler every time something doesn't go his way, and it might help him to stop this behaviour? I have had no success with this approach at home, BTW.

I'm asking for opinions because the teacher is coming for a home visit next week and I'm not sure whether to raise it with her.

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 02/07/2012 10:43

They will be used to all sorts of behavior and IME kids behave totally different at school. If you feel he is not ready for school do not send him.

Shelby2010 · 02/07/2012 10:45

I would raise it in the context of him being nearly a year younger than some of the other children, so perhaps not so emotionally mature? I haven't experience of the 'going to school' bit yet, but I imagine it is for this kind of chat that that the teacher is coming round?

takingiteasy · 02/07/2012 10:45

He's so young! Is that normal in England? Can't he get another year at nursery?

whatlauradid · 02/07/2012 10:45

I wouldn't mention it yet. Let him go in, explore and push the boundaries in his own time. The teacher will expect this is a big change regardless of age and react accordingly. He may settle in fine and not have any behavioural issues but if it's becoming a problem the teacher will ask to speak to you and then you can voice your part of it.

spammertime · 02/07/2012 10:46

My son started reception last September but is also one of the youngest (he's not 5 till later this month). What I would say is that they learn to behave very differently at school! We have had some rotten behaviour from him at home recently, but apparently he continues to be excellent at school. Try not to worry too much. As the other reply says, they are used to seeing all sorts of behaviour.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/07/2012 10:46

My DS was also a young one (just turned 4) when he started school - he was ab fine.

Yes you may as well mention any concerns to the teachers when they do a home visit..not that it will make them treat him any differently than they treat the others. I found reception just an extension of preschool really, very play based so learning in a fun way. I definately wouldnt recommend deferring him as its a very important year for them and it sounds like it will do him good.

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 10:46

No I wouldn't say anything...I'd just leave it and see how he gets on.

My reasons for that are, firstly you'd be very surprised how different most kids are when they're in a classroom environment...they generally want to really please the teacher.

Secondly, teachers tend not to bark orders at young children and they do have very clever ways of encouraging them to do things anyway.

Thirdly, you may end up 'labeling' your child unnecessarily and that's not fair as everyone's entitled to a new start.

If he starts in Sept, you'll have a 'Meet the teacher' session in October anyway so any problems can be spoken about then.

pinkappleby · 02/07/2012 10:47

It is worth raisinig if she is coming for a home visit anyway. My DS (in year R this year) can have 'bad days' and school have been great, when they tried things and they didn't work, they tried something else. He gets different types of punishments to other children because different things work for him. If your school is like ours, they have a varied arsenal to help deal with them

WhiteWidow · 02/07/2012 10:48

I wouldn't warn them. Let them figure him out for theirselves, he may act completely different.

I don't think you're helping with this 'handling' by the way. I know he's only young but he needs to learn that in life he will be told what to do

WorraLiberty · 02/07/2012 10:51

I kind of read 'handling' as 'pandering' to be honest.

It could be that going to school will do him the world of good and he'll learn that not everyone is going to treat him differently.

freddiefrog · 02/07/2012 10:57

I wouldn't mention it either.

My DD2 is the youngest in her class, just turned 4 when she started and we weren't given the option of starting later in the year either so she just had to get on with it.

In our school, Reception class isn't really much different to pre-school, same way of learning through play as they did in pre-school so there was never a teacher barking orders or making them all sit nicely at desks.

They're used to seeing all sorts of behaviour

WhiteWidow · 02/07/2012 10:59

^I kind of read 'handling' as 'pandering' to be honest.

It could be that going to school will do him the world of good and he'll learn that not everyone is going to treat him differently.^

I agree with this too.

imnotmymum · 02/07/2012 11:02

freddie kids do not have to go to be educated until term after 5 years so not sure why could not have started later ? My DS did not start school until 7

freddiefrog · 02/07/2012 11:06

I know legally she didn't have to, but school were so awkward about it and made such a fuss, that we didn't really have any other choice but to send her in September, or miss the whole of reception and start her a year late in Year 1.

We've since changed school where it's much nicer and much friendlier so much happier all round!

piprabbit · 02/07/2012 11:10

Your DS sounds a lot like mine. I find him a real handful to cope with and have to think through how I help him transition from activity to activity if I want to avoid a tantrum.
However, he always behaves nicely at nursery and the creche he sometimes attends. He loves going to play at other children's houses and having them come and play at ours. I've never had anyone say anything that is in anyway negative about him or his behaviour in a social or public setting.
So when his teachers come for a home visit in September, I won't go into loads of detail about how he behaves at home. I'm going to simply tell them that he is a sociable little boy who has enjoyed his time at nursery. That way they will be able to form their own impressions of him at school, without my baggage getting in their way.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/07/2012 11:12

If you defer them they miss reception and go in at year 1. I think reception is a really important year for them, no way would i have wanted to defer my son.

FannyFifer · 02/07/2012 11:14

Wow that is very young starting school.

Don't think you would be able to send a child to school at that age in Scotland.

DD is a Feb birthday so will be one of the youngest at 4 1/2 starting, will prob not start her till 5 1/2 though.

changeforthebetter · 02/07/2012 11:15

Definitely agree that they will figure it out. Deal with any issues if/when they are raised. For better or for worse(depending on what your educational philosophy is), lots of kids figure out pretty quickly that you have to toe the line at school.

DD is a model pupil at school. Works hard. Gets lots of rewards. Never had a sanction in 3 years........................... can be utterly vile at home. I suspect I may be to blame I sometimes think she "saves up" her frustrations from the school day and lets it all out a home.

soverylucky · 02/07/2012 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savoycabbage · 02/07/2012 11:24

The teacher will probably naturally do this anyway.

My friends dd has struggled when starting school as she has never been told to do anything before. So when they are asked to sit on the carpet she doesn't bother as she thinks she doesn't have to. She's got the hang of it now through. It wasn't the activities she didn't want to be joining in with or anything, it was the 'rules'.

littlemachine · 02/07/2012 11:25

As a Foundation Stage teacher, I prefer to be made aware of any existing behaviour issues, as well as triggers, how parents deal with the behaviour and how the child responds to their strategies. It doesn't make me think 'This is a naughty child' and it doesn't make me treat them any differently i.e. I am not more 'wary' of them, I don't pander to them. I still deal with the behaviour on an incident by incident basis. If the parent uses a successful strategy and I can use it successfully too, then I will. Sometimes we share reward charts etc. If a particular strategy won't work in school then I have plenty of my own too. Sometimes, if appropriate, I can recommend a parenting course, or another professional who can visit at home, if the parents are finding things hard and need more help.

Better to be aware of it than to discover it in school and the parent deny all knowledge of it ever happening at home ever-ever because they think they are being 'told off'!

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 02/07/2012 11:28

Keep him at home another year if it bothers you that much. Legally you can, children don't have to start formal education until the term after they turn five, which sounds like next september for your DS.
You do come across a bit as one of "those parents" in your OP though, so I would avoid saying anything to the teacher or risk getting your son labelled as the "special snowflake child of that parent"

BrainSurgeon · 02/07/2012 11:34

I'm amazed at how many say "don't tell the teacher"

DS is starting Reception this September at the tender age of 4 and 3 days :( and his school (hailed by everyone as excellent, string of Outstandinf Ofsted reports etc) have asked all parents to give them as much information as possible about the children. They are very open and interested in kids' personalities and say this will allow them to make sure they give them the best support. They are also a very strucutred school and I'm sure they won't be pandering to anyone, I think they just like to be prepared.

OP, to answer your question, I would probably ask the teacher how much they want to know about your child and take it from there. And whatever you do trust your instinct.

BrainSurgeon · 02/07/2012 11:35

There we go littlemachine :) great minds

littlemachine · 02/07/2012 11:37

I'm not often told I have a great mind, but if it's like that of a BrainSurgeon...

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