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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to think this ex-friend has crossed a line?

60 replies

SomeAngelsAreMeantToBeFallen · 02/07/2012 08:34

For a couple of years I was close friends with a work colleague. We fell out last year and haven't spoken since. There is no way we will ever be friends again.

We have both been bitchy, saying bad things about one another, and I am not proud of it.
But I have found out over the weekend that she has told multiple people a massive secret of mine, something that has the potential to ruin my family.
Yes I have said nasty things about her, and I know it was bad but AIBU to think she has compleatly crossed a line?

And WWUD?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 02/07/2012 08:36

There doesn't seem to be a line for either of you Confused

Maybe she thinks what you have said about her is just as bad as the 'secret' she is now telling.

either way you are not friends so she can say what she likes really.

CinnyCall · 02/07/2012 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/07/2012 08:37

Oh and I'd do nothing apart from berate myself for first of all telling her something so important and second for being nasty about her and colluding in this 'fight'.

BillyBollyBandy · 02/07/2012 08:39

You sound as bad as each other

nilbyname · 02/07/2012 08:40

You are both as bad as each other. How juvenile.

It is out there now, you will just have to deal with the fall out and do some damage limitation.

Original poster
SomeAngelsAreMeantToBeFallen · 02/07/2012 09:20

The things we said about each other before now were all just bitchy nonsense. I know that it was stupid, but I was angry.

What she has said now goes far beyond any bitchy comment that I have made. I trusted her as my friend when I told her the information. I would never tell her secrets to other people.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 02/07/2012 09:32

Sorry, no sympathy here. You are both being nasty and she has just been able to go further than you.

thebackson12 · 02/07/2012 09:44

I'm not trying to pry but without alluding to what kind of secret it might be, don't mean details.

its hard to give you advice on perhaps damage control?

Supercalafraj · 02/07/2012 09:45

Make friends, make friends, never ever break friends, if you do, you'll catch the flu and that will be the end of you!

Oops forgot we are not talking about two children Blush.
If you knew she knew your deep dark secret you were silly to start bitching about her...... Learn your lesson.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 02/07/2012 09:46

sorry, but not much sympathy, both as bad as each other with no clear "line" of conduct either.

Having secretes that can break up your own family is not very wise and it is far less wise to tell sombody them. "Make bed, lay in it", is what springs to my mind.

Cockwomble · 02/07/2012 09:46

Do nothing. You've fallen out, been bitching behind each other's backs...there's no evidence that what she is putting about is true, is there? Especially in light of the way you've both been behaving!

EightiesChick · 02/07/2012 09:54

What's suddenly happened to make her do this now? Has there been a particularly bad spell of bitching lately?

I think you only have 2 options:

  1. Do nothing, as there's not much you can do. In sharing information like this you give people power over you. You might want to cosider whether it is worth telling family members yourself rather than them hearing it from elsewhere if that seems likely. She may lose interest, as may the others who know, and it'll all just fizzle out.
  2. Find her and have a dignified conversation where you basically ask for a truce and suggest you agree that neither of you will even speak about the other again in any way to anyone. But this will only work if you don't get angry with her or attack her for exposing your secret. If you do it will get even worse. So quite a difficult one to pull off. This is the 'OK, we've both acted like kids, let's draw a line under it from here and behave like adults - no more'.

Cockwomble makes a good point, though - in the light of all the bitching, couldn't this just look like another attempt to be nasty? Could she 'prove' it was true in any way?

Paiviaso · 02/07/2012 10:27

YABU.

But maybe you'll be lucky and no one will believe her.

FreeBirdsFlying · 02/07/2012 10:33

First of all how did you find out about the secret telling? If someone told you are they shit stirring?

quoteunquote · 02/07/2012 11:59

Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead,

try to remember that , when sharing information with other people,

If information has got out about something that is potentially damaging to other people, It would be only fair to those other people if you let them know, so they can make informed decisions as to their future actions.

I would stop worrying about how this effects you, and let your family know what has happened, and take responsibility as it is you who has created the situation, by telling her. Your misjudgement, deal with consequences.

HecateHarshPants · 02/07/2012 12:25

I think the two of you need to sit down together and agree to be professional and polite from now on.

SoleSource · 02/07/2012 12:30

You bitched, she bitched. YOU are no better than she is. You just think you are. Reap what we sow...

perfectstorm · 02/07/2012 12:35

I do agree she's crossed a line, tbh. Some confidences are not to be shared, no matter how much you may come to dislike the sharer. If you told her in friendship then that should have been respected, yes. But at the same time, it's pretty bloody stupid to bitch about someone with that kind of power over you. I mean, either she is a decent person, in which case you shouldn't have bitched, or she isn't, in which case you should have been more careful. Sounds like she feels she owes you no loyalty whatsoever. And I do have to wonder, had you had that kind of dirt on her, if you wouldn't have used it - honestly, in your heart of hearts.

You're feeding the whole thing by engaging with it. Just be an adult and leave it. Gossip dies when you don't feed it.

FreeBirdsFlying · 02/07/2012 12:46

A friend from years ago shared a lot of secrets with me,we fell out,there was bad feeling but I would never repeat her secrets. However I know her friend,who she is still friendly with,has told all and sundry something very personal about her,making it out shes a terrible person. I knew this secret so its not a surprise to me.
Be careful who you share with,because even though they might be your friend,it dosen't mean they will keep your secrets.

lovebunny · 02/07/2012 13:52

if you want to keep a secret, don't tell anyone.

she has no responsibility to you.

[if you've been 'unfaithful', get ready to take the consequences. start planning. or if not all your children are your husband's...same thing... sorry, just speculating. well, she knows, why not tell us?]

Original poster
SomeAngelsAreMeantToBeFallen · 02/07/2012 14:00

Thanks for the advice.

I don't expect sympathy, I know I have behaved badly.
But the previous bitchyness was just bland comments about things we didn't like about one another, and things each of us had done. And it has gone both ways for a while.

I thought it was all done with, it has been months since anything was said. But she has recently found out that four months ago I dropped her in it at work (by letting our boss know that the weekly 'physio' that she has to take two hours out of work, while being paid, is actually not physio any more, it hasn't been for about 18 months, she just like to have a paid two hour break) she knew someone told on her, but she didn't know it was me. And in retaliation she has told people my secret.

I also know some big secrets of hers, including the fact that she has been having an affair for two years and that she had a secret abortion her husband and boyfriend knew nothing about and that her youngest isn't her husbands child but I would never tell them.

OP posts:
HippoPottyMouth · 02/07/2012 14:02

Sounds to me like you should hammer it out on Jeremy Kyle.

SoleSource · 02/07/2012 14:05

People I work with are just that to me. Not my friends and I tell colleagues nothing but the basics. Why people feel the need to get involved in each others lives like this at work is beyond me. Doesn't stop people from prying though. :( They only want to gossip and make up lies.

MarthasHarbour · 02/07/2012 14:05

so you told a big secret of hers too then, ok it is not as bad as the 'bigger' secrets you know about, and yes - professionally her boss needed to know about her two hours off, but you really shouldnt be surprised that she has retaliated with your secret. sorry - i dont intend to be mean here but you have been flinging insults for a while now

Sounds like one-upmanship to me

insancerre · 02/07/2012 14:06

If the secret gets out then you will just have to deal with it. That's the only thing that you can do.