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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel my daughters 6th birthday party because of her bad behaviour

68 replies

Rachtoteach · 30/06/2012 21:05

I am seriously considering doing this.

It is taking me and DH 2 hours every night to put her to bed. She comes in and out of her room continuously, disturbing her brother, and generally throwing a tantrum. I am at my wits end. We have tried taking things away, reward charts, laying with her, cd story books.... everything. We have no life in the evenings as we just have to deal with this constant battle.

She turns 6 next week and is due to have five friends round for a tea party which she is, of course, really really excited about. However... I am on the verge of cancelling it as yet another attempt to try and get my point across that her behaviour is not acceptable.

Please help! What would you do? :(

OP posts:

MrsSutherland · 30/06/2012 21:08

If you have already said you will cancel it if she carries on behaving like that then you definitely should as if you don't carry out threats then as I'm sure you know they know they can get away with stuff.

I have no idea if I could cancel an actual party as of course you would usually lose money and often there are lots of kids to cancel but the fact that its a tea party at your house would make it easier. Maybe you could cancel it if the behavious continues then rearrange when her behaviour improves?

NorksAreMessy · 30/06/2012 21:09

I don't think I would cancel the party, as the punishment does not fit the crime, if you see what I mean. At six she would find it difficult to associate the two things and I don't think even the threat of canceling the party will change her behaviour.

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2012 21:09

I would go down the route of sayng that if she wants to be treated like a big girl and invite friends round then she needs to go to bed, like a big girl.

So try positive reinforcement rather than punishment, iyswim.

I don't beleive in cancelling birthdays, any younger than teens, tbh, it is something that children remember forever and it cannot be made up for.

How long has this latest 'battle' been going on for? are you engaging with her when she gets up?

shuffleballchange · 30/06/2012 21:11

Don't cancel her party, too harsh. Ds1 is 7 next week, he does exactly the same. its driving flippin mental I just keep telling myself its yet another stage.

NowThenWreck · 30/06/2012 21:12

Please don't cancel her party. Birthdays are a REALLY big thing for young children. I was struggling recently with a child the same age, and come on here for help.
These books were recommended:
How to talk so kids will listen
and
Playful Parenting.
I have found the former particularly really helpful, and am already seeing massive improvements.

Hulababy · 30/06/2012 21:15

I wouldn't cancel a birthday party. It's a hue huge punishment ESP atbthatbage and it affects not just your dd but also the other girls and the other parents. Find another punishment.

SittingBull · 30/06/2012 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

baskingseals · 30/06/2012 21:16

just come down from dealing with the armageddon that is known as 'bedtime', you have my utmost sympathy. but, you can't cancel her party. trying to think what else to do though, as i patently do not have bedtime sorted. hope somebody who does comes along and gives us all some top tips.

baskingseals · 30/06/2012 21:18

oh sittingbull you heard
thanks

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 30/06/2012 21:19

If you cancel her birthday party it will not solve the going to bed issue and you will seriously upset your young child.

She is six, she is perfectly capable of staying in bed if she wants to. Stop engaging with her when she gets out of bed.

vodkaandcaviar · 30/06/2012 21:19

I agree, don't cancel the party - she'll never forget that - and try to make a big thing about her being more grown up/better at going to bed, that sort of thing. Keep trying other techniques to help with her behaviour though.

Are the tantrums just because she doesn't want to sleep or is there some other issue? I knew a child who threw terrible tantrums about going to bed and it turned out that he was just terrified of being in his room alone. Is she normally well behaved throughout the day?

ontheedgeofwhatever · 30/06/2012 21:20

Please don't cancel her party, she'll never forget it and the punishment will be made much worse by the fact that her friends are disappointed too and she may be teased. Its too big a punishment for such a small child.

I know how frustrating and awful it is when they won't go to bed as DD was appalling about it until she was just gone 5. In the end we resorted to outright bribery - 20p in her hand for every night she got through without disturbing us before 6.30am. She used to come in and wake us for it at bang on 6.30 but £1.40 a week was more than worth it for sleep and peaceful evenings. We used to take her to the pound shop every Saturday and she'd buy something and save the other 40p. After about 10 months we tailed it off and now no longer pay for our sleep

Original poster

Rachtoteach · 30/06/2012 21:21

I haven't - yet - actually threatened to cancel the party as I know I would have to go through with it, it has been on the tip of my tongue though!

Thank you, I will look up the books you recomended.

This has being going on, on and off and to varying extents, for a few months. It has been at its worse (as has her attitude in general) for the last month or so. I am 7 months pregnant and cannot bare the thought of having to deal with this and a newborn. My 8 yo son, thank god, is an utter angel.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 30/06/2012 21:22

I agree with the 'alone' thing, i used to have to buy my youngest bubble lamps with pretend fish in them, so she felt as though she had company.

MrsSutherland · 30/06/2012 21:24

If you haven't yet threatened then don't say it but I like Birdsgottafly's idea.

I hope you figure it out, 6 year olds are a mystery to me at the moment!!!!

Blu · 30/06/2012 21:36

So it's been going on since your pregnancy has been obvious?
I would look at addressing the bedtime behaviour specifically, either in the 6 minute way already suggested, or the harsher 'supernanny' usual method. The 6 minute reassurance sounds good though because it does seem likely that some kind of separation anxiety or worry / jealousy about the baby is likely. Maybe read her some books abut having a baby in the family, role of big sister, and keep telling her how much you will always love her and will have to make sure that the baby goes to sleep so that you will be able to read her a story etc. but be firm and clear about the bedtime technique and don't give up until it has worked. Stick to one technique, don' keep chopping and changing to star chart, etc.

I definitely wouldn't cancel her party.

Good luck.

queenrollo · 30/06/2012 21:55

my DS is 6, nearly 7 and this is behaviour he has displayed periodically over the last couple of years. The first time was the worst, and most prolongued because we just couldn't figure out why he was doing it. Eventually he opened up to my DH (his step-dad) that he was 'missing' mummy. I have shared residency with his dad, and when this becomes disrupted by holidays or the ex's work schedule (busy over Christmas).....
It was all attention seeking to get to see more of me, so I adjusted my day and his bedtime routine to make sure he gets some one on one time with me.
He seems unable to voice when he needs more time with me, and uses the bedtime antics again and again but now we know what is behind it we get i tunder control much faster.

holyfishnets · 30/06/2012 22:01

In a calm and fair manner tell her that you plan to cancel the tea party unless she can go to bed nicely for three nights running. Ask her what she needs to achieve this and make a plan - a bedtime routine. Be on her side but also openly to the other mums that the tea party may have to be cancelled/delayed if you don't get three good nights. Stick to it. If she manages it, reward and praise her hugely.

Aim to have some quality time alone with her playing a game before bedtime. Tell her you both need to make a fresh start. Have lots of cuddles/praise attention. Tell her how special she is and that you are a lucky mummy. Set an alarm/timer and make her promise to go to bed at x time when buzzer goes off.

Thank her and notice her when she is good or polite or helpful. When baby arrives laugh with her it's funny faces, smelly poo and silly hair

NowThenWreck · 30/06/2012 22:27

And don't let her know that you think her older brother is an "utter angel" !

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 30/06/2012 22:33

is she going to bed too early, could you give her an extra 15 mins in your bed looking at a book and when her brother is settled one of you go up and get her into bed.

Dont forget she is also very very excited about her party and has ants in her pants about it. Dont cancel it .

TouTou · 30/06/2012 22:35

SEE! This is the 4th thread about awfully behaved 6YOs in the past couple of days. You seem not to be alone OP. I think it's because they are all tired and need a holiday.
If it's not that that's the cause then it's all a bit spooky and all the 6YO have been taken over by The Borg.

ImaCleverClogs · 30/06/2012 22:35

I read a good idea on here, you promise to return and give her a kiss in a minute if she is quiet and stays in bed and then again in two minutes etc until she is asleep.

TidyDancer · 30/06/2012 22:40

I was about to say the same as NowThenWreck. There are two very bad things you can do with this situation, one is cancel the party and the other is let your DD know that you think of her brother as an angel.

I sympathise though, we've all been there.

TheEnthusiasticTroll · 30/06/2012 22:40

I needed to do that with my dd sittingbull, now I just say ill be up soon, i do give her a little kiss or a thumbs up when i get into her room and her little face scrunches up with joy. Now I just make sure I go in before I predict she will fall asleep. If i know she is just not very tired I do let her look at a book in my bed for a little while before getting her into bed, not sure why but this does make her feel a little speccial and so she is then as good as gold.

happybubblebrain · 30/06/2012 22:40

Find another punishment, don't cancel the party.
In the long term you will think it's far too harsh.

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