To cancel my daughters 6th birthday party because of her bad behaviour

[Rachtoteach]

I am seriously considering doing this.

It is taking me and DH 2 hours every night to put her to bed. She comes in and out of her room continuously, disturbing her brother, and generally throwing a tantrum. I am at my wits end. We have tried taking things away, reward charts, laying with her, cd story books.... everything. We have no life in the evenings as we just have to deal with this constant battle.

She turns 6 next week and is due to have five friends round for a tea party which she is, of course, really really excited about. However... I am on the verge of cancelling it as yet another attempt to try and get my point across that her behaviour is not acceptable.

Please help! What would you do? :(

That technique of leaving and then coming back in a minute and gradually building it up works a treat on dogs who suffer from seperation anxiety aswell

But seriously please dont cancel her birthday. I was chatting with my younger sister (by 9 yrs - she is early 40s) one night about our childhood and she was actually quite tearful but we were pissed when she recalled the time after l left home that mum didnt come downstairs on Xmas Day because she suffered from crippling depression at times.

Even after all these years she still remembers that one Xmas out of the two dozen or so happy ones she/we spent at home ! Your daughter would probably remember that one birthday too for all the wrong reasons.

what would i do?
i'd stop sending her to bed.
make the bed look cosy and inviting. don't tell her when it's bedtime. don't send her. when she asks, say 'oh, you make such a fuss it spoils our evening. we aren't interested in that.' and carry on with your life.

don't cancel the party. do mention to her that she'll need a good night's sleep the night before.

ok i scrolled through a few posts here to say that all my birthday parties were cancelled due to my brothers behaviour at one of his own parties and it didn't scar me for life. They're not [i]that[/i] big a deal

you can't cancel a fucking birthday - or xmas.

you can't cancel a fucking birthday - or xmas.

Please don't cancel her party. That is cruel, she is still so young. It probably won't change this sleeping isue anyways.
Hard in your current pregnant state, but my cousins dc was the same, the only times she slept were when her grandmother had her, as she wore her out with a lot of phyical activities.

When she stayed with us for a week in sumer, we let her stay up. Couldn't be bothed to get stressed out over it.

I agree totally with lovebunny (wiggles ears at fellow carrot muncher)

It is utterly pointless arguing about bed time from June-lateAugust.

It's pretty pointless trying to get a not tired child to bed at any time, but light evenings are a non starter.

I know it's a pitter when you are tired and want adult time, but it's a battle I doubt you'll win.

You can cancel her party, but you can't make her sleep. You can only make downstairs do dull she decides to go to bed herself.

I have resorted to telling DD1 that since she should be in bed I am not going to talk to her and stuck my nose back in a book.

My guess is at six she'll be perfectly reasonable when the baby arrives, but for now she's enjoying a last chance to attention seek like mad.

As the evenings draw in and school approaches is the time to gently return to a reasonable bed time with nice hugs and a bedtime story (bedtime stories are very useful bartering tools even for 11 y who are brilliant readers DD2 can be convinced to go to bed much more easily if Dad reads Asterix to her. It's the undivided attention that's important.)

Set a fixed time to be in bed and a fixed number of chapters to read and then leave. But let her keep her light on and read herself if she wants to.
It's peace for getting the baby to sleep you need. Your daughter will learn how much sleep she needs with time.

I've spent far too many evenings in my life sitting in bedroom doorways reading.

I agree with TouTou

6yr olds are not at the most charming stage.

sorry you are having such a rough time. Please don't cancel the party, a friend of mine did this, and it seemed so mean. Also on her birthday, you will have a lovely time with her, and at the moment when she is being difficult, you need some good times with her.

I am sure bedtime is connected to new baby coming. Also summer, although unless her room is really sunny, I am not sure, mine go off even in a light room. I tend to go down the route that once it is bedtime they have to stay in their room, if they are really not tired they can look at a book in bed or something, the one thing they can't do is come downstairs. If they do, we do the supernanny style silent return. That at least would get you some breathing time if you could get it to work.

My sister -in-law once did a sleep clinic with hers, and they made a point of saying the wind down to bed cycle including bath should not be longer than 45 minutes, because after that they get a second wind and start again. At 6 I might do something like make a chart with the bedtime steps on it (just so there is no argument over what she can have) and then once they are done, she has to stay in her room reading to herself or whatever. I would do lots of ignoring and silent returns. Once she looses the attention and knows you won't budge, she might give in. Good luck!

I'm not an expert, but I think the information that you are pregnant and this has started more or less when she knew you were pregnant is very very relevant.

It sounds like this is all about her being very scared that once the new baby comes along she won't be your little girl anymore. Given that, I'd be tempted to take a rather softly-softly approach with it, because it sounds like it more to d with a genuine fear she has than "naughtiness".

I haven't got to that stage yet so can't really talk but have you tried lots of reassurance that she will still be your little girl and you'll love her just as much ? I guess you probably have...

The party is quite soon so perhaps you could get her to bed by hinting(conspiritorially) that you have party preparations to do and she needs to stay in her room or it will spoil the surprise.

Definitely I suspect a lot of, at least subconscious, getting parental attention while it's available and the realisation that she won't be the youngest much longer.

And, personally I always found my two, DD2 particularly, need less sleep in summer. (DD1 is a night owl from birth and mutters about mornings like me)

Routine here goes totally to pot on nice evenings as we are lucky enough to have a largish garden to tear about in.

But despite going to bed way later DD2 would always be up by 7 brighteyed and awake.

Agree, you can't make her sleep, but you absolutely can enforce bedtime in the summer!
I do quite like lovebunny's idea-that might work, because it stops bedtime being a battle she is trying to win, and she may just end up taking herself off to bed out of sheer tiredness.
However, If it doesn't, you can still expect her to be in her room after, say, 8 pm, whether she sleeps or not.
I have zero tolerance for small children impinging on my precious evenings, and will just shout "bed!" while pointing to said bedroom, and without making eye contact. It is non-negotiable, bar actual illness.
Either way, the more attention she gets for her bedtime antics, the more she will play up.
Make sure you give extra attention for positive behaviours to.

Blackout blinds, and "if you don't get back to bed and stay in in it by the count of 3 you get a smack" worked for us. Our kids were rarely smacked but they didn't piss about when it was bed time.
I would ensure bedtime is a pleasant routine with story etc but then they just get firm and angry parents if they get up once put to bed.
I wouldn't cancel a birthday party.

No, you mustn't cancel her birthday - that is her right. You must deal with it another way. Everyone deserves to celebrate their birthday.

Have you tried a positive reinforcement system with a chart where she can earn soemthing she wants for staying in bed?

My dd is like this. we put her to bed early about 7.45pm to try and get some time to ourselves, but she NEVER goes go sleep befre 9 sometime later She just doesn't need to go to sleep early and is an owl rather than a lark. She is always bright as a button the next day.

Perhaps you have one of these? who doesn't need as much sleep as avarage. She bangs around in her room, drawing, reading, listening audio books, but the sleep comes later. She is often in and out of her room too, but will come an get stuff from downstairs an go back up.

I cancelled ds's party last month although we hadn't actually sent out invites at that stage. I don't think a birthday party is a right at all it is a privilege that has to be earned. Ds was very upset but he did something that meant I had no choice but to cancel.

Hello OP I am 6 months pregnant and have a 6 year old DD. She has too been rather spirited lately and I put it down to feeling a bit insecure with new baby on the way. I have had her in bed with me at 7.30 reading together Im so tired we both fall asleep and her Dad carries her to her own room when he comes up....No help to you sorry.

Living with an utter angel must be soul destroying for anyone.

Living with one utter angel when another utter angel is probably on the way could be the final straw.

No matter how much parents think they treat their offspring the same the general demeanour around an utter angel MUST be different to the general demeanour (slightly anxious, wary, apprehensive) around a stroppy 6 year old. Which I"m sure the 6 year old would detect. Does the utter angel take after one calmer, easier-going parent whilst the other takes over a slightly less confident and affable one?

Try to get to the bottom of the behaviour. She might just have inherited a touchier personality and need more time and attention.

I am surprised so many peolple don't think you can enforce a 6 year olds bed time. My 6 year old does not seem to need to go to sleep very early but he still has to go to bed at 7.30pm, we let him read for about half hour then its lights out. I will tell him off if he keeps getting up as at the end of the day he is 6 and should do as he's told.

Both my DSs have black out blinds so the summer evenings make no difference really.

After reading all the posts I am still not sure that cancelling a birthday party is that damaging to a 6 year old TBH, they are more than old enough to understand consequences of their actions. I think you still have the choice due to the fact that you haven't threatened it and if you don't intend to carry it through then make sure you never even mention it in connection with her behaviour.

Also I do really feel for you re the 6 year old situation as my 6 year old who is normally well behaved seems to completely change towards the end of each term. He cries at every little thing and is acting like a teenager towards me. I do not excuse his behaviour even though I know he's tired but it keeps me sane knowing that his behaviour will improve once school finishes!

I cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of some horrendously bad behaviour. The final straw was when he threw a rock at a boy's head and drew blood. He learnt his lesson.

bisjo - I disagree. A birthday celebration should be a right for everyone - it's essential for a child to grow up with good self-esteem.

Bad behaviour can be dealt with in many other ways - what would you have done instead if your ds's birthday had not been approaching? You would have had to find another solution.

And it does not sound as though the child in the OP is behaving really badly tbh - it sounds more like she's unsettled because her mum is about to have another baby. This happened with my friend's dd and once the baby was born she settled down.

GreatauntIrene: "Living with an utter angel must be soul destroying for anyone."

Yes, I think so. Once you have one child in the family who is as good as gold, then it falls naturally to the other child to take the role of the naughty, attention-seeking one. I'm not in favour of cancelling the party or threatening a smack (as one poster suggested) but I can see that the situation is immensely frustrating for the OP. Do you have any idea why she's behaving like this? Has she told you why she won't go to bed? Is she just not tired, maybe? Or frightened? Or just wanting your attention?

My Sister's daughter has been horrendously behaved for months, and since her baby brother has arrived she has been angelic.

Her behavoiur was totally linked to being completely freaked out at her Mother's pregnancy and now she is fine again!