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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sick of the sight of my baby

87 replies

Tryingtobenice · 30/06/2012 19:38

So i'd just like to know honestly if every mum feels like this for at least a fleeting second at some stage? It's not something you can admit to in RL.
4 week old baby, breast feeding, she is really an angel, but just so clingy. Sleep hasn't been too bad, but last couple of nights were pretty rubbish. Plus we're co-sleeping as she won't go in her own cot. Just wants to be held ALL the time., it's as though her scream has an on switch on her back that gets pushed if you lie her down for a second. Partner being lovely and taking her lots when he is home (been away all week) but still she wants to feed almost all the time and that's on me.

I'm just fed up and wishing for my oldlife back. I've made a huge mistake.

OP posts:

hipposaurus · 30/06/2012 20:47

OP big hugs to you. Please don't beat yourself up as the first few weeks with a newborn are so hard.

My experience was similar to yours. Breastfed baby, very clingy and co slept. However, at six weeks I put the cot against the edge of my bed and started putting ds in it at night, getting him out to feed. As the cot was against the bed he thought he was still in bed with me :)

I still cuddled/breastfed him to sleep until around six months, when he started to learn to put himself to sleep after being fed, rocked a bit etc. Honestly, they do grow out of being clingy, especially when they get more mobile. I remember bring terrified ds would want to be cuddled forever when he was your dds age, but honestly it passes and there's no need to force her along, in my experience they start becoming independent when they are ready. I also felt like ds would never want to stop feeding, but that passes too. In fact, when dd is a bit older you will probably wish she would want more cuddles again, as once they start crawling they are off!!

Hope this reassures you a bit, but honestly Yanbu and it will get better.

Rockpool · 30/06/2012 20:47

God yes,totally normal.

At 6 weeks I cracked open the formula tin-deep bliss!!!!!

Softlysoftly · 30/06/2012 20:52

reportmenowmy HV did that to DD2 last week and it worked a charm! She also advised not instantly jumping in the breast (if you knew they were well fed) but at a movement going in voice first (calmly) then face, then hand, then pick up and slowly slowly they will become more confident that being detached doesn't mean being alone.

Been doing both for about 4 days and I do think there is a small improvement (up to 10 mins pre scream now rather than 1!) worth a shot op?

emsyj · 30/06/2012 20:55

YANBU. I thought DD was a huge mistake for quite a while. She was an early baby and small, so she fed 2 hourly round the clock for 10 weeks. I wanted to die. DH has a long drive to work and so he slept in the spare room (on the next floor up, so felt like miles away) and I was alone with DD all night every night. Sometimes I would just sit in bed and cry I was so exhausted and couldn't see any positives about motherhood - if someone had come along and offered to just take her away, I'd have let them. I remember one particularly horrific night telling her I hated her . I wasn't depressed - just totally drained, exhausted and unprepared for what it's like to have a new baby. It got better and she's now 2 and so much fun (and she sleeps! ).

The newborn stage is hard. But it will end soon.

CrustyBurd · 30/06/2012 21:06

My first born was a screamer, he was in so much pain. Despite be overwhelmingly in love with him I was sick of the screaming, the first few weeks are so, so hard with some babies.

Unfortunately not a babys are in bliss where ever they lay.
My second one was, Id put him down on the sofa and literally forget he was there, half an hour later he'd catch my eye and Id think shit! Id forgotten about you!

My point being, if you have more they wont be the same.

It WILL get better. It gets better and better and lovelier and lovelier.

BetterChoicesChair · 30/06/2012 21:10

Normal. It's panic-inducing because you think you think it's going to be that way forever. Mine all went through growth spurts at about that age and it felt like I couldn't ever put them down. It does get better, you'll get into a routine and by about 6 months you'll be in a "new normal" .

SoleSource · 30/06/2012 21:14

A yes here too, but not often. :) You'll be O.K.

StuntNun · 30/06/2012 21:14

YANBU it's a difficult time and in four weeks time it will be a bit better. When your baby starts to smile at you and interact with you a bit more it gets better again. Just be aware that postnatal depression is a real possibility and be prepared to seek help. I had it with DS1 and I was just miserable for the first few weeks/months whereas with DS2, although it there were difficulties, I was much happier and enjoyed the early weeks a lot more. Hope you feel better soon.

hairymonkey · 30/06/2012 21:16

It's sooo hard with first baby. Somebody told me it's like having war declared on you, and very true!! It's a massive adjustment that takes time, and bonding with your baby isn't always immediate. I know with my 2 I felt protective and linked to them from birth, but the stupid doe eyed

"Look, the child's a genius, he rolled over/got his fist in his mouth yadda yadda yadda"

Took a good couple of months.

I've had nights and days where I thought I couldn't do it anymore, and that every other mum/baby was doing a better job.

Just make sure you're giving yourself and baby a break. Don't make plans that are going to cause extra stress, and do ask and accept help.

Friends really do want to help and your baby will be fine to go out for a walk in the park for an hour so you do can have a bath and not do any house work.

Hope you get some rest over weekend, and as everyone has said this will pass.

emsyj · 30/06/2012 21:16

Just coming back to say, it doesn't help when some people are so 'ooooooh I luv being a mummy hunny lol' etc moments after birth. I saw a friend of a friend post on Facebook less than a week after her baby was born that it was 'The best thing I've ever done, loving every minute xxxx'. I shouted 'fuck you' at the computer screen.

holyfishnets · 30/06/2012 21:35

will get easier I promise. can you get out of the house and go for a walk? Use a sling?

Original poster

Tryingtobenice · 30/06/2012 21:58

Thank you all for the reassurance. I wish this was more honestly confessed to. Everyone keeps telling me to treasure this time because it 'goes so quickly'. Yeah, right. So glad to hear that this is at least partly bollocks and i'm not just an unnatural monster. Thank you.

OP posts:

Rollmops · 30/06/2012 22:06

4 wk old baby clingy? Now I've heard it all............
Is 'tis yet another troll attack/invasion?

ButtonBoo · 30/06/2012 22:27

I agree with arthurfowler. the toughest time for me was between 2-6 weeks. It got easier day by day after that. DD is 8mo now and still keeps me on my toes, but she is weaned (bfing morning and evening only) and sleeps 7-5:30. She chatters away and plays in her own easily. She doesn't scream when she's laid down anymore and once she gives you that killer smile....

It does get easier. You'll get yourself into a routine soon and things will start falling into place for you.

lovebunny · 01/07/2012 01:01

4 week old baby, breast feeding ... just so clingy... co-sleeping as she won't go in her own cot... wants to be held ALL the time... I've made a huge mistake.

you have indeed!

but its not the one you think...

you have a perfect baby. she is doing all the right things. her instinct (which is all she has, apart from her massive learning potential) tells her that with you, she's safe, and if you put her down and go away, she's done for.

she won't go in her own cot? she's a newborn, she needs to be with you.
you and she need to be together 24/7 and she should feed every 20 minutes. if she sleeps for more than two hours, feed her in her sleep.

i know its hard. i used to feel 'touched out' and longed for the few minutes every day when my then-husband held her while i had a shower.

frankly, you're mistaking her for someone who can manage on their own. she can't. you made her. she's part of you. you get to snuggle her.

you are so lucky.

roseum · 01/07/2012 05:21

I have a drop-side cot (mothercare), side permanently down, pulled flush against our bed, so it is almost like co-sleeping, without the worrying about rolling on them etc. It means I can scoop him up for night feeds, and lie him back in his cot when done - not getting up means I go back to sleep much faster.

Mine also didn't like being on his own in the cot - I found having him sleep in a gro-bag helped (feels more enclosed perhaps) also, because they stay in the gro-bag when you pick them up to feed, they stay snuggly and warm, and don't complain about going back into a cold bed.

Also, I think mine felt a little lonely in a big cot - i got a breathable mesh fabric bumper to go round the bars on the cot to enclose the space, and I put soft toys round him, one on either side of his head, and then round his body - they are just small soft toys (jelly cat mainly) that he can move if he wants - but he seems to find them comforting. Now he is bigger he often strokes the toys by his head in his sleep.

It does get better. I second those who suggest ensuring they have eaten enough during the night feeds - blow on their face/ hair to wake them if they start nodding off before you think they've eaten enough.

Mitsouko · 01/07/2012 07:14

What lovebunny said...great post.

We have such unrealistic expectations of very, very young babies these days. If they don't self settle into a cot or peacefully drift off with a bit of shush pat then we feel we are doing something terribly wrong. My DD is 15 weeks, poor sleeper, had dreadful colic til 10 weeks, still struggling with reflux, needs a lot of body contact and generally high need...but this is not abnormal. Yes, its terribly hard and I'm exhausted but I expected this and am just trying my best to take it day by day. OP you have my sympathies as I'm right there with you. Can you get some more rl support in place? It sounds like you're really struggling.

hairymonkey · 01/07/2012 07:29

I never fed either of my sons every 20 mins!! and ds1 was 10lb. I fed on demand and he carried on putting on weight.

With regard to having a newborn, and the adjustments new parents have to make, it's very difficult to prepare for unless you decide to set an alarm clock for every hour in the night and attach a bull dog clip to your nipple.

It's ok to feel overwhelmed and frustrated and still realise how lucky you are to have a healthy baby. Maybe if mothers felt more open to discuss their emotions good and bad without feeling villainous, there would be lower numbers of pnd and we'd all feel a little more supported.

AmberNectarine · 01/07/2012 07:36

Trust me, what you're feeling is completely normal. My DD will be 1yr in a week and she still feeds every 2-3hrs through the night, co-sleeps and won't settle without me. Sometimes it can feel very claustrophobic, and I am bloody exhausted, but it won't be forever and I know before long I'll be looking at a 5 year old, wondering where my baby went.

I know it feels relentless now, and it is, but it will get better, and you will get your life back.

AlpinePony · 01/07/2012 07:45

Reflux? I spent 17 weeks thinking "ugh, my baby is whiny and pukey" and in the end went to the docs in desperation - got referred to the hospital - reflux.

3-4 days after a change of diet I have a changed baby.

I do not recommend waiting 17 weeks to investigate this.

AlpinePony · 01/07/2012 07:47

When I say "whiny baby" - I mean purple through screaming every time he was put down. Of course in hindsight I realise that this was because he was hurting when he was flat. :( Live and learn eh and I hope he doesn't turn out to be an ASBO baby because his mum was so crap.

LoopyLoopsCorgiPoops · 01/07/2012 07:52

I feel a bit like that most days, and mine are 1 and 3. I'm just so shattered, I haven't the patience. That said, I'm off work at the moment for a couple of weeks and today feels a lot better than yesterday. Would it be possible to get a day to yourself?

RedHelenB · 01/07/2012 07:56

Nope I can honestly say I never felt like that. It is hard work though & once baby is smiling and laughing hopefully you will feel better.

beginnings · 01/07/2012 08:00

OP my DD IS eight weeks and I had a similar conversation with DH last night. She doesn't want to be on me all the time but wants my attention all the time, is currently having her third feed since 3.15am and naps dreadfully during the day. I need a break and because her latest trick is to refuse a bottle, I can't have one. If it's any consolation I don't feel like this all of the time however on dy three I did think I wanted my old life back.

Having discussed this with a few good friends, I now know it's normal. Would have been great if someone had told us before so we didn't feel so bad for feeling it!

SeasonOfTheWitch · 01/07/2012 08:14

Same here alpine. Such a confusing and difficult time.

Both of mine had reflux and were exactly as you've described your baby, OP. Deffo worth looking into it.

We survived this stage by giving a dummy (the saliva produced helps wash the acid down - this mad a huge difference to dc2); never ever laying them flat, always on a an angle, even for changes; with dc2 i discovered block feeding after realising my mad flow and letdown were one of the main causes in our case - this almost cured it.

I didn't find gaviscon any good but i know of people who found stronger stuff worked well. I just didn't want to give that unless I had to.

I do also agree with lovebunny though, she is tiny and just wants to be with you and to feel safe and warm. The more secure she feels, the easier it will all get.

Good luck!

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