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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect school to refer to him as Dad?

78 replies

spottyblancmange · 30/06/2012 18:01

Name-changed for this because if someone knows me IRL, it's probably going to be obvious! Going to be a bit long because I don't want to drip feed.

Background - DD (8) has never known her biological father, no contact attempts from him ever, he's just not interested. DH has been around since DD was a few months old, he's always been Dad to her. DH adopted her officially (with biological fathers consent), and that was completed last month. DD changed schools a couple of months ago, so we informed them about the adoption process because we thought it was best they knew. She will have the same class teacher next year because it's a small village school and each class is two years, if that makes sense.

However, the new teacher is insisting on referring to him as "your step-dad". I did initially presume she was doing it to avoid causing offence, so I approached her and explained the situation, but nothing has changed. DD says Teacher has even corrected her when she's said something like "My Dad supports Newcastle".

So I genuinely don't know. Am I being a bit precious about this? It was never a problem at her previous school despite the adoption not having happened at that point. If it wasn't upsetting DD we'd let it go, but it is really bothering her, she came home in tears from making Fathers day cards the other week.

AIBU to expect them to respect that he's her Dad? And if I'm not, has anyone got any suggestions for what I should do? Approach class teacher again, write a letter to her or speak to the head?

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 30/06/2012 18:03

He legally adopted? then he is her father, no step about it.

I'm not one for endless emails and moaning at the school BUT this is a genuinely upsetting thing for your child, so I would be putting it in writing to the teacher and CC-ing to the Head.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 30/06/2012 18:04

Yanbu. He IS her Dad. I'd put it in writing to the teacher and if it happens again take it to the Head.

Charliefarlie1192 · 30/06/2012 18:05

yanbu

Coconutty · 30/06/2012 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 30/06/2012 18:06

If he adopted her, he is her dad. (not that he wasn't before, but someone older or pedantic or twatty could have made a pathetic case that he was in fact step-dad, but now he isn't. He is her father, or I guess "adoptive father" if someone is being really twatty)
I would raise a major stink as the teacher is wilfully ingnoring what you said, and, what's worse, is correcting your child when in fact, DD is right and teacher is wrong.
Since you explicitly asked her not to do it, she is now doing it on purpose, offensively. I wonder why Confused
I would write a letter to the teacher and copy it to the Head. If tht doesn't work, request a meeting with the teacher and the Head to see what they have to say about it.

lovebunny · 30/06/2012 18:08

this is one where you need to put it in writing to the teacher and head, and have it put on your daughter's records.
there is no reason why your daughter's family arrangements should be highlighted or disputed by the teacher. your dad is your dad. he's the man who lives in your house and brings you up.
and if he has adopted her, he's legally her dad, too.
teacher is wrong in this case and is causing distress. that isn't her role.

takingiteasy · 30/06/2012 18:08

Yanbu at all the teacher has absolutely no right to correct your daughter.

HolyCameraConfusionBatman · 30/06/2012 18:08

yanbu, he is her dad and tbh even if he wasn't if that's what your DD wishes to call him then it's fuck all to do with the teacher.

RubyFakeNails · 30/06/2012 18:08

I would write to the head.

If a teacher can't understand that adoption means he is her dad or notice that your dd chooses to say dad I'd be a bit concerned about the teacher.

I would write as i tend to think letters carry more weight and contacting the head means it won't go unnoticed.

picnicbasketcase · 30/06/2012 18:08

YANBU - the teacher is being deliberately and hurtfully pedantic on this. He is her Dad and since you've explained the situation the teacher has no right to keep doing this. Agree you should put it in writing and see if she stops.

DontmindifIdo · 30/06/2012 18:09

Send a letter or e-mail to the head stating that your DH has legally adopted your DD, and he is to be referred to as her 'Dad' not 'Step-Dad' - there are no other 'father figures' in your DD's life and she has not and will not ever have contact with her biological father before she is an adult. State that there has been some confusion about this fact and you just want to clarify your family situation.

Make it clear that this isn't up for discussion and it's not their choice. Next time the class teacher refers to him as 'step-dad' complain that the Head has obviously not passed on the family details.

olimpia · 30/06/2012 18:10

YANBU. They wouldnt be right in calling him stepdad even if he hadn't legally adopted her. I would be as annoyed as you.

RaPaPaPumPumBootyMum · 30/06/2012 18:10

Wow, if this is true the teacher is being hugely unreasonable, insensitive not to mention also incorrect.

i'm not saying I doubt your story OP but rather almost can't believe someone [the teacher] could be so wrongheaded, stubborn and rude so as to disregard your daughter's feelings, your direct instructions and the sheer legality of the situation.

I agree with the above posters in putting your feelings in writing to the teacher and cc-ing the head.

Good luck!

JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 18:10

YANBU.

How sad for your DD. He is her dad. She knows and feels he is her dad. He is her dad and I would send a letter to the Head on Monday tbh, I wouldn't wait until next time.

Oogaballoo · 30/06/2012 18:10

"DD says Teacher has even corrected her when she's said something like "My Dad supports Newcastle".

I think that's bloody rude and ridiculous Angry Why has she got such a bee in her bonnet about what a child calls her father? Having helped raise her from a few months and adopted her, he IS her dad now, it's ridiculous of this teacher to think she has a right to correct both you and your daughter. Utter arrogance.

oftengrumpy · 30/06/2012 18:16

That's just odd. I always go by what the child says so some say Dad, some say step Dad, some call him by name etc I try to do what they do as that's obviously what the child feels comfortable with. (I do agree though that as DH had adopted DD he is her Dad) YANBU

Trish1200 · 30/06/2012 18:20

YANBU the teacher is being cruel and rude. You should complain.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/06/2012 18:20

You are absolutely not being precious, he is her dad. I would want the teacher disciplined for deliberately upsetting your daughter, this is no accidental slip or misunderstanding. Whatever "ishoos" she has with adoption, she does not get to take them out on a child. Angry

ToxicMoxie · 30/06/2012 18:22

YANBU at all! The teacher is being extremely horrible and nasty. A strongly worded letter is in order to her and to the head. She is actually abusing your daughter by doing this. She is purposely humiliating her and trying very hard to make her look ridiculous, wrong and stupid in front of her peers. To me, this would deserve a written warning from the Head.
Since your DH has adopted your DS he is her Dad in fact and in law now.

Perhaps the teacher would change her tune if your DH actually does the writing or speaks with her? Maybe she's dumber than a bag of rocks and needs a kick up the ass more likely to listen to the person she is actually insulting.

ENormaSnob · 30/06/2012 18:26

Yanbu

I would be really upset by this tbh.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 30/06/2012 18:32

So rude! I can't believe this person feels they have the right to correct your child. I would write and keep copies, cc the head teacher. Very unfair on your DD! He is her dad!

I'm thanking my lucky stars that my DCs school are more understanding. As DD calls my DH by his Christian name but DS calls him dad, even though they see their real dad on a regular basis. The school understand and just go by what each of my children say.

Definately common and explain to your DD that this is the teachers ignorance not anything to do with her. Poor thing!

fireice · 30/06/2012 18:32

YANBU. He is her dad, and the teacher is showing her ignorance. I would write to the headteacher about this.

ToryLovell · 30/06/2012 18:32

Wow that teacher is being an arse.

Even if he hadn't been in her life since she was small, even if he hadn't adopted her, even if you weren't married...if DD refers to him as her Dad then school should respect that and follow suit

MulberryMoon · 30/06/2012 18:32

Regardless of legal status, if you have asked the school to call him her dad, then that is exactly what they should do. I would go in and tell the class teacher one more time that he is to be called her dad from now on. Assume she misunderstood last time. But if it happens again, I would complain higher up.

Lilliana · 30/06/2012 18:35

YANBU

As a teacher I go with what the child calls their parents - it is how they feel and they have the right to call parents /step parents / partners what they feel comfortable with and I take the lead from them.

Can't quite see why the teacher is so insistent - Initally if she was refering to your DD's dad maybe she was unsure but if DD herself refers to him in this way I can't see why does it would bother her, let alone enough for her to 'correct' DD.

Quite shocked she did this as family dynamics can be tricky.