To expect school to refer to him as Dad?

[spottyblancmange]

Name-changed for this because if someone knows me IRL, it's probably going to be obvious! Going to be a bit long because I don't want to drip feed.

Background - DD (8) has never known her biological father, no contact attempts from him ever, he's just not interested. DH has been around since DD was a few months old, he's always been Dad to her. DH adopted her officially (with biological fathers consent), and that was completed last month. DD changed schools a couple of months ago, so we informed them about the adoption process because we thought it was best they knew. She will have the same class teacher next year because it's a small village school and each class is two years, if that makes sense.

However, the new teacher is insisting on referring to him as "your step-dad". I did initially presume she was doing it to avoid causing offence, so I approached her and explained the situation, but nothing has changed. DD says Teacher has even corrected her when she's said something like "My Dad supports Newcastle".

So I genuinely don't know. Am I being a bit precious about this? It was never a problem at her previous school despite the adoption not having happened at that point. If it wasn't upsetting DD we'd let it go, but it is really bothering her, she came home in tears from making Fathers day cards the other week.

AIBU to expect them to respect that he's her Dad? And if I'm not, has anyone got any suggestions for what I should do? Approach class teacher again, write a letter to her or speak to the head?

YANBU at all. The teacher should refer to him exactly how your daughter does - it's none of the teacher's business anyway! I would approach the Head directly and say how much it's upsetting your child. Do it first thing Monday!

I wouldn't be too shocked at 47's thinking, she's on another thread telling us how gay people are morally inferior ( as well as single parents and anyone who doesn't follow the teachings of a very particular type of christianity)

OP, contact HT to have a word with the daft teacher,

yadnbu.

quite aside from what everybody else has rightly said,the process that you all went through, your dc as well gave HER THE LEGAL RIGHT to call him dad, him the legal right to be called dad as well as all the responsabilities that entailes.
have you tried asking her directly why she feels the need to correct this? obviously the point of this is to shame her in public because we dont care about her answer we just want her to stop it. oh a letter to the head copied to LA should help to assert dc's legal rights.

47 if anyone ever even so much as refered to my biologicals as parents even in the loosest sense of the word i would feel compeled to instantly smash there face in with a hammer repeatedly till they cried and promised not to do it again,then i would call them a cunt

O my goodness really??
That is actually quite bad you should speak to the head IMHO.
Correcting your child is what is really bad though how mean :(

A mother and a father are the ones who raise, look after and support the child not the ones who made them . Any idoit can create a child, It takes a hell of a lot more to earn the title mum / dad in my mind anyway.

Goodness, 47 is engaged in some kind of Performance Art on MN tonight. Inspired madness in a realm of vitriolic delusion, I think the catalogue might say.

YANBU and unless the teacher is as thick as pigsh*t (you'd like to hope not) she is being an arse.

My brothers (half brothers to any pedants watching) were never adopted by my Dad but he raised them from quite early on (they just never got around to it). They have a different surname to me and our Dad so the situation was blindingly obvious but the teachers at our school did as our family did, referred to me as their sister and our Dad as their Dad.

Their biological father was not around but they still visited some relatives and if he ever came up in conversation or they ever saw him they called him by his first name. Their choice.

By doing this the teacher is potentially forcing your child to have very complicated conversations with her classmates. I do recall at the age of about 7 being asked by a friend why i had a different surname to my brothers and I remember getting very confused and upset about it all when trying to explain it because it really is a very grown up topic. Like I say it was obvious in my situation because of the different surnames so kids would naturally be curious and ask awkward questions.

But in your DDs situation there would be nothing to highlight to the other children that her Dad is not her biological Dad if it weren't for the teacher being so utterly ridiculous.

The teacher sounds like bitch sorry nob , or never mind

the fact you spoke to the teacher and they are correcting your child, if I was you I would head towards the head teachers office pretty sharpish. And I would ask what her problem is.

PS. 47 piss off your making all Christians including myself look bad. And when you get there piss off some more .

I am my kids' adoptive mother.

I'm well aware I am not their biological mother - not the kind of thing to slip your mind! - and if anyone either needs to know (eg the medical profession) or is interested enough to ask, I'm happy to explain that.

However if anyone a) wishes to suggest I'm not their mum or b) dared to dictate how they should refer to me ... well, I would share the reactions of others on this thread.

In addition, I can't imagine how distressed my kids would be if someone corrected them when they talked about 'Mummy'.

Of course you should say to the school that a) he IS his daughter's father and b) regardless of the legal position, would they kindly support your daughter in however she wishes to refer to her own family!

47 has been trolling distastefully all over MN today - ignore ignore ignore

YADNBU. Legally he is her father. Make a fuss.

Well, not seen so much agreement on a AIBU thread before.

I will add to that agreement.

I helped bring up my DStD, then fell pregnant with my daughter. While I was preg, the (now ex)H ex wife had obviously had something to say as the 10 year old StD said 'The baby will only be my half brother or sister'.

I told her that neither of them would be half a person and my children would be her only bro or sis, it was up to her but I prefer bother or sister. she is now 28 and DD is 17 and they are as close as sisters could be!! My DD even sitting with DStDs dying mums bedside with her sister.

I really think you should state as strongly as it is possible to do that it is unacceptable!! Shout as loud and to as high as you need to to stop upsetting your DD!!

I would find it very hard to refrain from calling the teacher a cunt, but I would not try to refrain from telling her politely that what your dd calls her dad is family business and that it's certainly none of her business.

She may be grinding some personal axe, but that's no excuse.

Nice letter in the first instance, then strong letter to the head.

Thanks everyone for your replies, and advice, it's a huge help.

I should probably say that, to be entirely fair to the teacher, I've never heard her actually correct DD. But given that both DH and I have heard her refer to him as step-dad ourselves at pick-up time since I spoke to her, I'm inclined to believe DD that she has corrected her.

DH and I have decided we are going to write a formal letter to the teacher together, and hand a copy to the head too, along the lines of "We believe there has been some confusion about whether DH is step-dad/dad, this is the situation etc" and make it very clear within the letter that we expect them to refer to him as Dad because DD does. Hopefully that will stop it but after that we will complain properly if it continues.

Smoggii - She has already had some questions from her classmates, and that's a big part of the upset for her because she does struggle to answer them. She said one boy called her a liar when she responded to "Where's your real dad?" by saying that DH is her real dad. :( It's so difficult for her.

Good for you Spotty. My Ds1 (27) refers to DH as dad, he's been around since ds was seven. Siblings are brothers and sisters, no differentiation.
Strangely, we had to explain to dd2 what a step-brother was last year, she was 14 and someone had their step-brother coming to stay.
The teacher needs to know that she is making life difficult for dd amongst her peer group, too.

Your poor DD I really sympathise. Kids often don't realise how much their comments can hurt or that queries about something they don't understand can make others uncomfortable.

I think writing a letter is a really good idea and if she still does it then a formal complaint.

You might want to (although i'm sure you probably already have)talk to your DD about the many many different types of family there are. This is what my parents did with me at that time and after that I used to answer along the lines of 'all families are different' until i got old enough to be able to explain it because I fully understood and I think that wasn't until high school age.

I believe that if a child is adoped by the mother's new partner it is actually a joint adoption by both mother and new partner and a new birth certificate is provided and the school register can be amended to the child's new legal name rather than old name, as partner's name.

I think I would just write a note to confirm this to the head along the lines of

"I am enclosing a copy of dd's new birth certificate and adoption papers. DH is her legal father/parent and she is to be known from now on by his name. I trust this will be no problem for the school administratively and hope you will ensure that all staff know that dd is now legally DH's daughter, refers to him as her father and he refers to her as his daughter.

If there are any problems adhering to our wishes, please let me know as soon as possible so they may be addressed as quickly as possible.

I am sure you appreciate that DH is the only father DD has ever known and look forward to your support in this matter.

Best wishes.

OP"

marriedinwhite you are indeed correct but it is a certificate of registration.

i also greatly admire your advice

Teacher is a twat. Hes your daughters dad whether he has adopted her or not. Your child obviously sees him as her dad so he is her dad. You need to take this up with the head. YANBU

"She has already had some questions from her classmates, and that's a big part of the upset for her because she does struggle to answer them. She said one boy called her a liar when she responded to "Where's your real dad?" by saying that DH is her real dad."
Make sure that you include this sort of detail in the letter, emphasise that the teacher's behaviour is affecting not just your daughter but the rest of the class.

I just wanted to update everyone, the letter seems to have had the desired effect, DH has been Dad ever since. DD is much happier, as is DH!

We also did get an apology from the teacher, she claimed she'd had DD mixed up with another child... not quite sure I bought that bit, but I did appreciate that she made the effort to apologise.

I want to thank everyone for all their support and advice, you all helped me feel much more confident about the letter writing, and several of you gave me good ideas for the way to word it.

I'm glad it has all worked out, and that you were generous enough to allow the teacher her face-saving manoeuvre (which might be true, even though you suspect not).

Not every conversation is about a point of law

47 Legally an adoptive dad is the dad. Non-legally, it comes down to who raises, supports and cares for a child. In this case, it is the same man. So again, he is a dad. If you mean that they have different colour eyes then yes, in this instance it would have to be admitted that he is not the biological father. But for everything that matters, he is dad.

OP, I am usually the one screaming about precious parents but this is totally unacceptable. YANBU

YANBU, the teacher is BU though. It is not her business to interfere in your family's dynamic. She clearly has some axe to grind of her own but correcting your DC in that way is totoally out of order. Nip it in the bud quick smart!